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"Then thou knewest her?" said the knight. 

" Not I," answered the squire ; "but the person who told me the story, 
said it was so true and certain, that if ever I should chance to tell it again, 
I might affirm upon oath, that I had seen it with my own eyes." 

Sancho Panza. 

VOL. I. 




- - PAVIS 

ENTERED according to the act of congress, in the year 1835, 
by CARET, LEA, & BLANCHABD, in the clerk's office of the dis 
trict court of the eastern district of Pennsylvania. 


IT is not improbable that some of those who read 
this book, may feel a wish to know in what man 
ner I became possessed of the manuscript. Such 
a desire is too just and natural to be thwarted, and 
the tale shall be told as briefly as possible. 

During the summer of 1828, while travelling 
among those valleys of Switzerland which lie be 
tween the two great ranges of the Alps, and in 
which both the . Rhone and the Rhine take their 
rise, I had passed from the sources of the latter to 
those of the former river, and had reached that 
basin in the mountains that is so celebrated for con 
taining the glacier of the Rhone, when chance gave 
me one of those rare moments of sublimity and 
solitude, which are the more precious in the other 
hemisphere from their infrequency. On every side 
the view was bounded by high and ragged moun 
tains, their peaks glittering near the sun, while di 
rectly before me, and on a level with the eye, lay 
that miraculous frozen sea, out of whose drippings 
the Rhone starts a foaming river, to glance away 
to the distant Mediterranean. For the first time, 
during a pilgrimage of years, I felt alone with na 
ture in Europe. Alas ! the enjoyment, as all such 
enjoyments necessarily are amid the throngs of the 
old world, was short and treacherous. A party 


came round the angle of a rock, along the narrow 
bridle-path, in single files ; two ladies on horseback, 
followed by as many gentlemen on foot, and pre 
ceded by the usual guide. It was but small cour 
tesy to rise and salute the dove-like eyes and bloom 
ing cheeks of the former, as they passed. They 
were English, and the gentlemen appeared to re 
cognize me as a countryman. One of the latter 
stopped, and politely inquired if the passage of the 
Furca was obstructed by snow. He was told not, 
and in return for the information, said that I would 
find the Grimsel a little ticklish ; " but," he added, 
smiling, " the ladies succeeded in crossing, and you 
will scarcely hesitate." I thought I might get over 
a difficulty that his fair companions had conquered. 
He then told me Sir Herbert Taylor was made ad 
jutant-general, and wished me good morning. 

I sat reflecting on the character, hopes, pursuits 
and interests of man, for an hour, concluding that 
the stranger was a" soldier, who let some of the or 
dinary workings of his thoughts overflow in this 
brief and casual interview. To resume my solita 
ry journey, cross the Rhone, and toil my way up 
the rugged side of the Grimsel, consumed two more 
hours, and glad was I to come in view of the little 
chill-looking sheet of water on its summit, which is 
called the Lake of the Dead. The path was filled 
with snow, at a most critical point, where, indeed, 
a misplaced footstep might betray the incautious to 
their destruction. A large party on the other side 
appeared fully aware of the difficulty, for it had 


halted, and- was in earnest discussion with the guide, 
touching the practicability of passing. It was de 
cided to attempt the enterprise. First came a fe 
male of one of the sweetest, serenest countenances 
I had ever seen. She, too, was English ; and though 
she trembled, and blushed, and laughed at herself, 
she came on with spirit, and would have reach 
ed my side in safety, had not an unlucky stone 
turned beneath a foot that was much too pretty for 
those wild hills. I sprang forward, and was so 
happy as to save her from destruction. She felt 
the extent of the obligation, and expressed her 
thanks modestly but with fervor. In a minute we 
were joined by her husband, who grasped my hand 
with warm feeling, or rather with the emotion one 
ought to feel who had witnessed the risk he had just 
run of losing an angel. The lady seemed satisfied 
at leaving us together. 

" You are an Englishman ?" said the stranger. 

" An American." 

"An American! This is singular will you 

pardon a question? You have more than saved 

my life you have probably saved my reason 

will you pardon a question ? Can money serve 


I smiled, and told him, odd as it might appear to 
him, that though an American, I was a gentleman. 
He appeared embarrassed, and his fine face work 
ed, until I began to pity him, for it was evident he 
wished to show me in some way, how much he felt 


he was my debtor, and yet he did not know exactly 
what to propose. 

"We may meet again," I said, squeezing his 

" Will you receive my card ?" 

" Most willingly." 

He put " Viscount Householder" into my hand, 
and in return I gave him my own humble appellation. 

He looked from the card to me, and from me to 
the card, and some agreeable idea appeared to flash 
upon his mind. 

" Shall you visit Geneva this summer ?" he ask 
ed, earnestly. 

"Within a month." 

" Your address " 

" Hotel del'Ecu." 

" You shall hear from me. Adieu." 

We parted, he, his lovely wife and his guides de 
scending to the Rhone, while I pursued my way to 
the Hospice of the GrimseL Within the month, I 
received a large packet at 1'Ecu. It contained a 
valuable diamond ring, with a request that I would 
wear it, as a memorial of Lady Householder, and 
a fairly written manuscript. The following short 
note explained the wishes of the writer. 

" Providence brought us together for more purposes than 
were, at first, apparent I have long hesitated about pub 
lishing the accompanying narrative, for in England there is 
a disposition to cavil at extraordinary facts, but the distance 
of America from my place of residence will completely save 


me from ridicule. The world must have the truth, and I see 
no better means than by resorting to your agency. All I ask 
is that you will have the book fairly printed, and that you 
will send one copy to my address, Householder-hall, Dorset 
shire, England, and another to Capt. Noah Poke, Stonington, 
Connecticut, in your own country. My Anna prays for you, 
and is ever your friend. Do not forget us. 

Yours, most faithfully, 


I have rigidly complied with this request, and 
having sent the two copies according to direction, 
the rest of the edition is at the disposal of any one 
who may feel an inclination to pay for it. In return 
for the copy sent to Stonington, I received the fol 
lowing letter. 

"On board the Debby and Dolly, Stunnin'tun, 

April 1st, 1835. 

Dear Sir, Your favour is come to hand, and found me 
in good health, as I hope these few lines will have the same 
advantage with you. I have read the book, and must say 
there is some truth in it, which, I suppose, is as much as be 
falls any book, the Bible, the Almanac, and the State Laws* 
excepted. I remember Sir John well, and shall gainsay no 
thing he testifies to, for the reason that friends should not 
contradict each other. I was also acquainted with the four 
Monikins he speaks of, though I knew them by differentnames. 
Miss Poke says she wonders if it's all true, which I wunt tell 
her, seeing that a little unsartainty makes a woman rational. 
As to my navigating without geometry, that's a matter that 
was'n't worth booking, for it's no cur'osity in these parts, 
bating a look at the compass once or twice a day, and so I 
take my leave of you, with offers to do any commission for 


you among the Sealing Islands, for which I sail tomorrow, 
wind and weather permitting. 

Yours to sarve, 


To the Author of the Spy, Esquire, 
town, County, York State. 

P. S. I always told Sir John to steer clear of too much 
journalizing, but he did nothing but write, night and day, for 
a week ; and as you brew, so you must bake. The wind has 
chopped, and we shall take our anchor this tide ; so no more 
at present. 

N. B. Sir John is a little out about my eating the mon 
key, which I did, four years before I fell in with him, down 
on the Spanish Main. It was not bad food to the taste, but 
it was wonderful narvous to the eye. I r'ally thought I 
had got hold of Miss Poke's youngest born." 




The Author's pedigree also, that of his Father .... 15 

Touching myself and ten thousand pounds 32 


Opinions of our author's ancestor, together with some of 
his own, and some of other people's 43 


Showing the ups and downs, the hopes and fears, and 
the vagaries of love, some views of death, and an ac 
count of an inheritance 56 


About the social-stake system, the dangers of concentra 
tion, and other moral and immoral curiosities 73 


A theory of palpable sublimity some practical ideas, 
and the commencement of adventures 90 


Touching an amphibious animal, a special introduction, 
and its consequences 104 


An introduction to four new characters, some touches of 
philosophy, and a few capital thoughts on political 

economy 113 

VOL. I. 2 



The commencement of wonders, which are the more ex 
traordinary on account of their truth 129 


A great deal of negotiation, in which human shrewdness 
is completely shamed, and human ingenuity is shown 
to be of a very secondary quality 144 


A philosophy that is bottomed on something substan 
tial Some reasons plainly presented, and cavilling 
objections put to flight, by a charge of logical bayonets 159 


Better and better A higher flight of reason More 
obvious truths, deeper philosophy, and facts that even 
an ostrich might digest 177 


A chapter of preparations Discrimination in character 
A tight fit, and other conveniences, with some judg 
ment 197 


How to steer small How to run the gauntlet with a 
ship How to go clear A new-fashioned screw-dock, 
and certain mile-stones 213 


An arrival ; forms of reception ; several new christen 
ings; an official document, and terra finna 230 



The Author's pedigree also, that of his Father. 

THE philosopher who broaches a new theory is 
bound to furnish, at least, some elementary proofs 
of the reasonableness of his positions, and the his 
torian who ventures to record marvels that have 
hitherto been hid from human knowledge, owes it 
to a decent regard to the opinions of others, to pro 
duce some credible testimony in favor of his vera 
city. I am peculiarly placed in regard to these 
two great essentials, having little more than its 
plausibility to offer in favor of my philosophy, and 
no other witness than myself to establish the impor 
tant facts that are now about to be laid before the 
reading world, for the first time. In this dilemma, 
I fully feel the weight of responsibility under which 
I stand ; for there are truths of so little apparent 
probability as to appear fictions, and fictions so like 
the truth that the ordinary observer is very apt to 
affirm that he was an eye-witness to their exist 
ence : two facts that all our historians would do 
well to bear in mind, since a knowledge of the cir 
cumstances might spare them the mortification of 
having testimony that cost a deal of trouble, dis 
credited in the one case, and save a vast deal of 
painful and unnecessary labor, in the other. Thrown 
upon myself, therefore, for what the French call les 
pieces justificatives of my theories, as well as of 


my facts, I see no better way to prepare the reader 
to believe me, than by giving an unvarnished nar 
rative of my descent, birth, education and life, up 
to the time I became a spectator of those wonder 
ful facts it is my happiness to record, and with 
which it is now his to be made acquainted. 

I shall begin with my descent, or pedigree, both 
because it is in the natural order of events, and be 
cause, in order to turn this portion of my narrative 
to a proper account, in the way of giving credibil 
ity to the rest of it, it may be of use in helping to 
trace effects to their causes. 

I have generally considered myself on a level 
with the most ancient gentlemen of Europe, on the 
score of descent, few families being more clearly 
and directly traced into the mist of time, than that 
of which I am a member. My descent from my 
father is undeniably established by the parish regis 
ter, as well as by the will of that person himself, 
and I believe no man could more directly prove the 
truth of the whole career of his family, than it is 
in my power to show that of my ancestor up to the 
hour when he was found, in the second year of his 
age, crying with cold and hunger, in the parish of 
St. Gites, in the city of Westminster, and in the 
United Kingdom of Great Britain. An orange- 
woman had pity on his sufferings. She fed him 
with a crust, warmed him with purl, and then hu 
manely led him to an individual with whom she 
was in the habit of having frequent but angry in 
terviews the parish officer. The case of my an 
cestor was so obscure as to be clear. No one 
could tell to whom he belonged, whence he came, 
or what was likely to become of him ; and as the 
law did not admit of the starvation of children in 
the street, under circumstances like these, the pa 
rish officer, after making all proper efforts to induce 


some of the childless and benevolent of his ac 
quaintance, to believe that an infant thus abandoned 
was intended as an especial boon from Providence 
to each of them in particular, was obliged to com 
mit my father to the keeping of one of the regular 
nurses of the parish. It was fortunate for the au 
thenticity of this pedigree, that such was the result 
of the orange- woman's application ; for, had my 
worthy ancestor been subjected to the happy acci 
dents and generous caprices of voluntary charity, 
it is more than probable I should be driven to throw 
a veil over those important years of his life that 
were notoriously passed in the work-house, but 
which, in consequence of that occurrence, are now 
easily authenticated by valid minutes and docu 
mentary evidence. Thus it is that there exists no 
void in the annals of our family, even that period 
which is usually remembered through gossiping and 
idle tales in the lives of most men, being matter of 
legal record in that of my progenitor, and so con 
tinued to be down to the day of his presumed ma 
jority, since he was indented to a careful master 
the moment the parish could with any legality, put 
ting decency quite out of the question, get rid of 
him. I ought to have said, that the orange-woman, 
taking a hint from the sign of a butcher opposite to 
whose door my ancestor was found, had very clev 
erly given him the name of Thomas Goldencalf. 

This second important transition in the affairs of 
my father, might be deemed a presage of his future 
fortunes. He was bound apprentice to a trader in 
fancy articles, or a shopkeeper who dealt in such 
objects as are usually purchased by those who do 
not well know what to do with their money. This 
trade was of immense advantage to the future pros 
perity of the young adventurer ; for, in addition to 
the known fact that they who amuse are much bet- 


ter paid than they who instruct their fellow-crea 
tures, his situation enabled him to study those ca 
prices of men, which, properly improved, are of 
themselves a mine of wealth, as well as to gain a 
knowledge of the important truth that the greatest 
events of this life are much oftener the result of 
impulse than of calculation. 

I have it by a direct tradition, orally conveyed 
from the lips of my ancestor, that no one could 
have been more lucky than himself in the charac 
ter of his master. This personage, who came, in 
time, to be my maternal grandfather, was one of 
those wary traders who encourage others in their 
follies, with a view to his own advantage, and the 
experience of fifty years had rendered him so ex 
pert in the practices of his calling, that it was sel 
dom he struck out a new vein in his mine, without 
finding himself rewarded for the enterprise, by a 
success that was fully equal to his expectations. 

" Tom," he said one day to his apprentice, when 
time had produced confidence and awakened sym 
pathies between them, " thou art a lucky youth, or 
the parish officer would never have brought thee 
to my door. Thou little knowest the wealth that 
is in store for thee, or the treasures that are at thy 
command, if thou provest diligent, and in particu 
lar faithful to my interests." My provident grand 
father never missed an occasion to throw in a use 
ful moral, notwithstanding the general character of 
veracity that distinguished his commerce. "Now, 
what dost think, lad, may be the amount of my 
capital ?" 

My ancestor in the male line hesitated to reply, 
for, hitherto, his ideas had been confined to the 
profits ; never having dared to lift his thoughts as 
high as that source from which he could not but see 
they flowed in a very ample stream ; but thrown 


upon himself by so unexpected a question, and being 
quick at figures, after adding ten per cent, to the 
sum which he knew the last year had given as the 
nett avails of their joint ingenuity, he named the 
amount, in answer to the interrogatory. 

My maternal grandfather laughed in the face of 
my direct lineal ancestor. 

' Thou judgest, Tom," he said, when his mirth 
was a little abated, " by what thou thinkest is the 
cost of the actual stock before thine eyes, when thou 
should'st take into the account that which I term 
our Jloating capital." 

Tom pondered a moment, for while he knew that 
his master had money in the funds, he did not ac 
count that as any portion of the available means 
connected with his ordinary business; and as for a 
floating capital, he did not well see how it could be 
of much account, since the disproportion between the 
cost and the selling prices of the different articles 
in which they dealt was so great, that there was no 
particular use in such an investment. As his master, 
however, rarely paid for any thing until he was in 
possession of returns from it that exceeded the debt 
some seven-fold, he began to think the old man was 
alluding to the advantages he obtained in the way 
of credit, and after a little more cogitation, he ven 
tured to say as much. 

Again my maternal grandfather indulged in a 
hearty fit of laughter. 

" Thou art cleyer in thy way, Tom," he said, 
" and I like the minuteness of thy calculations, for 
they show an aptitude for trade ; but there is genius 
in our calling as well as cleverness. Come hither, 
boy," he added, drawing Tom to a window whence 
they could see the neighbors on their way to church, 
for it was on a Sunday that my two provident pro 
genitors indulged in this moral view of humanity, 


as best befitted the day, " come hither, boy, and 
thou shalt see some small portion of that capital 
which thou seemest to think hid, stalking abroad 
by day-light, and in the open streets. Here, thou 
see'st the wife of our neighbor, the pastry-cook ; 
with w T hat an air she tosses her head and displays 
the bauble thou sold'st her yesterday : well, even that 
slattern, idle and vain, and little worthy of trust as 
she is, carries about with her a portion of my cap 
ital !" 

My worthy ancestor stared, for he never knew 
the other to be guilty of so great an indiscretion 
as to trust a woman whom they both knew bought 
more than her husband was willing to pay for. 

" She gave me a guinea, master, for that which 
did not cost a seven-shilling piece !" 

" She did, indeed, Tom, and it was her vanity 
that urged her to it. I trade upon her folly, youn- 
ker, and upon that of all mankind ; now dost not 
see with what a capital I carry on affairs ? There 
there is the maid, carrying the idle hussy's pat 
tens in the rear; I drew upon my stock * in that 
wench's possession, no later than the last week, for 
half a crown !" 

Tom reflected a long time on these allusions of 
his provident master, and although he understood 
them about as well as they will be understood by 
the owners of half the soft humid eyes and sprouting 
whiskers among my readers, by dint of cogitation 
he came at last to a practical understanding of the 
subject, which before he was thirty he had, to use 
a French term, pretty well exploits. 

I learn by unquestionable tradition, received also 
from the mouths of his contemporaries, that the 
opinions of my ancestor underwent some material 
changes between the ages of ten and forty, a cir 
cumstance that has often led me to reflect that peo- 


pie might do well not to be too confident of their 
principles, during the pliable period of life, when 
the mind, like the tender shoot, is easily bent aside 
and subjected to the action of surrounding causes. 

During the earlier years of the plastic age, rny 
ancestor was observed to betray strong feelings of 
compassion at the sight of charity-children, nor 
was he ever known to pass a child, especially a 
boy that was still in petticoats, and who was crying 
with hunger in the streets, without sharing his own 
crust with him. Indeed, his practice on this head 
was said to be steady and uniform, whenever the 
rencontre took place after my worthy father had 
had his own sympathies quickened by a good din 
ner ; a fact that may be imputed to a keener sense 
of the pleasure he was about to confer. 

After sixteen, he was known to converse occa 
sionally on the subject of politics, a topic, on which 
he came to be both expert and eloquent before 
twenty. His usual theme was justice and the sa 
cred rights of man, concerning which he some 
times uttered very pretty sentiments, and such as 
were altogether becoming in one who was at the 
bottom of the great social pot that was then, as 
now, actively boiling, and where he was made to 
feel most, the heat that kept it in ebullition. I am 
assured that on the subject of taxation, and on that 
of the wrongs of America and Ireland, there were 
few youths in the parish who could discourse with 
more zeal and unction. About this time, too, he 
was heard shouting " Wilkes and Liberty !" in the 
public streets. 

But, as is the case with all men of rare capaci 
ties, there was a concentration of powers in the 
mind of my ancestor, which soon brought all his 
errant sympathies, the mere exuberance of acute 
and overflowing feelings, into a proper and useful 


subjection, centering all in the one absorbing and 
capacious receptacle of self. I do not claim for 
my father any peculiar quality in this respect, for I 
have often observed that many of those who, (like 
giddy-headed horsemen that raise a great dust, and 
scamper as if the highway were too narrow for 
their eccentric courses, before they are fairly seat 
ed in the saddle, but who afterwards drive as di 
rectly at their goals as the arrow parting from the 
bow,) most indulge their sympathies at the com 
mencement of their careers, are the most apt to 
wards the close to get a proper command of their 
feelings, and to reduce them within the bounds of 
common sense and prudence. Before five-and- 
twenty, my father was as exemplary and as con 
stant a devotee of Plutus, as was then to be found 
between RatclifTe Highway and Bridge Street: I 
name these places in particular, as all the rest of 
the great capital in which he was born is known to 
be more indifferent to the subject of money. 

My ancestor was just thirty, when his master, 
who like himself was a bachelor > very unexpected 
ly, and a good deal to the scandal of the neighbor 
hood, introduced a new inmate into his frugal abode, 
in the person of an infant female child. It would seem 
that some one had been speculating on his stock of 
weakness too, for this poor, little, defenceless and 
dependent being was thrown upon his care, like 
Tom himself, through the vigilance of the parish- 
officers. There were many good-natured jokes 
practised on the prosperous fancy-dealer, by the 
more witty of his neighbours, at this sudden turn of 
good fortune, and not a few ill-natured sneers were 
given behind his back ; most of the knowing ones 
of the vicinity finding a stronger likeness between 
the little girl and all the other unmarried men of 
the eight or ten adjoining streets, than to the worthy 


housekeeper who had been selected to pay for her 
support. I have been much disposed to admit the 
opinions of these amiable observers as authority in 
my own pedigree, since it would be reaching the 
obscurity in which all ancient lines take root,- a 
generation earlier than by allowing the presumption 
that little Betsey was tny direct male ancestor's 
master's daughter ; but, on reflection, I have deter 
mined to adhere to the less popular but more sim 
ple version of the affair, because it is connected 
with the transmission of no small part of our estate, 
a circumstance of itself that at once gives dignity 
and importance to a genealogy. 

Whatever may have been the real opinion of the 
reputed father touching his rights to the honors of 
that respectable title, he soon became as strongly 
attached to the child, as if it really owed its exist 
ence to himself. The little girl was carefully nursed 
abundantly fed, and throve accordingly. She had 
reached her third year, when the fancy-dealer took 
the small-pox from his little pet, who was just re 
covering from the same disease, and died at the ex 
piration of the tenth day. 

This was an unlooked-for and a stunning blow 
to my ancestor, who was then in his thirty-fifth year, 
and the head-shopman of the establishment, which 
had continued to grow with the growing follies and 
vanities of the age. On examining his master's 
will, it was found that my father, who had certain 
ly aided materially of late in the acquisition of the 
money, was left the good-will of the shop, the com 
mand of all the stock at cost, and the sole executor- 
ship of the estate. He was also intrusted with the 
exclusive guardianship of little Betsey, to whom his 
master had affectionately devised every farthing of 
his property. An ordinary reader may be surprised 
that a man who had so long practised on the foibles 


of his species, should have so much confidence in a 
mere shopman, as to leave his whole estate so com 
pletely in his power ; but, it must be remembered, 
that human ingenuity has not yet devised any means 
by which we can carry our personal effects into the 
other world ; that " what cannot be cured must be 
endured ;" that he must of necessity have confided 
this important trust to some fellow-creature, and 
that it was better to commit the keeping of his mo 
ney to one, who, knowing the secret by which 
it had been accumulated, had less inducement to be 
dishonest, than one who \vas exposed to the tempt 
ation of covetousness, without having a knowledge 
of any direct and legal means of gratifying his 
longings. It has been conjectured, therefore, that 
the testator thought, by giving up his trade to a man 
who was as keenly alive as my ancestor to all its 
perfections, moral and pecuniary, he provided a 
sufficient protection against his falling into the sin 
of peculation, by so amply supplying him with sim 
pler means of enriching himself. Besides, it is fair 
to presume that the long acquaintance had begotten 
sufficient confidence to weaken the effect of that 
saying which some wit has put into the mouth of a 
wag " make me your executor, father; I care not 
to whom you leave the estate." Let all this be as 
it might, nothing can be more certain than that my 
worthy ancestor executed his trust with the scru 
pulous fidelity of a man whose integrity had been 
severely schooled in the ethics of trade. Little Betsey 
was properly educated for one in her condition of 
life ; her health was as carefully watched over as if 
she had been the only daughter of the sovereign, 
instead of the only daughter of a fancy-dealer ; her 
morals were superintended by a superannuated old 
maid ; her mind left to its original purity ; her person 
jealously protected against the designs of greedy 


fortune-hunters ; and, to complete the catalogue of 
his paternal attentions and solicitudes, my vigilant 
and faithful ancestor, to prevent accidents, and to 
counteract the chances of life, so far as it might be 
done by human foresight, saw that she was legally 
married, the day she reached her nineteenth year, 
to the person whom, there is every reason to think, 
he believed to be the most unexceptionable man 
of his acquaintance, in other words, to himself. 
Settlements were unnecessary between parties who 
had so long been known to each other, and, thanks 
to the liberality of his late master's will in more 
ways than one, a long minority, and the industry 
of the ci-devant head-shopman, the nuptial bene 
diction was no sooner pronounced, than our family 
stepped into the undisputed possession of four hun 
dred thousand pounds. One less scrupulous on the 
subject of religion and the law, might not have 
thought it necessary to give the orphan heiress a 
settlement so satisfactory, at the termination of her 

I was the fifth of the children who were the 
fruits of this union, and the only one of them all, 
that passed the first year of its life. My poor mo 
ther did not survive my birth, and I can only record 
her qualities through the medium of that great agent 
in the archives of the family, tradition. By all that 
I have heard, she must have been a meek, quiet, do 
mestic woman; who, by temperament and attain 
ments, was admirably qualified to second the pru 
dent plans of my father for her welfare. If she had 
causes of complaint, (and that she had, there is too 
much reason to think, for who has ever escaped 
them ?) they were concealed, with female fidelity, 
in the sacred repository of her own heart ; and if 
truant imagination sometimes dimly drew an outline 
of married happiness different from the facts that 

VOL. I. 3 


stood in dull reality before her eyes, the picture 
was merely commented on by a sigh, and consign 
ed to a cabinet whose key none ever touched but 
herself, and she seldom. 

Of this subdued and unobtrusive sorrow, for I 
fear it sometimes reached that intensity of feeling, 
my excellent and indefatigable ancestor appeared to 
have no suspicion. He pursued his ordinary occu 
pations with his ordinary single-minded devotion, 
and the last thing that would have crossed his brain 
was the suspicion that he had not punctiliously 
done his duty by his ward. Had he acted other 
wise, none surely would have suffered more by his 
delinquency than her husband, and none would 
have a better right to complain. Now, as her hus 
band never dreamt of making such an accusation, 
it is not at all surprising that my ancestor remained 
in ignorance of his wife's feelings, to the hour of 
his death. 

It has been said that the opinions of the succes 
sor of the fancy-dealer, underwent some essential 
changes between the ages of ten and forty. After 
he had reached his twenty-second year, or, in other 
words, the moment he began to earn money for him 
self, as well as for his master, he ceased to cry "Wilkes 
and Liberty." He was not heard to breathe a syl 
lable concerning the obligations of society towards 
the weak and unfortunate, for the five years that 
succeeded his majority ; he touched lightly on Chris 
tian duties in general, after he got to be worth fifty 
pounds of his own ; and as for railing at human fol 
lies, it would have been rank ingratitude in one 
who so very unequivocally got his bread by them. 
About this time, his remarks on the subject of tax 
ation, however, were singularly caustic, and well 
applied. He railed at the public debt, as at a pub 
lic curse, and ominously predicted the dissolution 


of society, in consequence of the burthens and jn- 
cumbrances it was hourly accumulating on the 
already overloaded shoulders of the trader. 

The period of his marriage and of his succession 
to the hoardings of his former master, may be dated 
as the second epocha in the opinions of my ancestor. 
From this moment his ambition expanded, his views 
enlarged in proportion to his means, and his con 
templations on the subject of his great floating capi 
tal became more profound and philosophical. A 
man of my ancestor's native sagacity, whose whole 
soul was absorbed in the pursuit of gain, who had 
so long been forming his mind, by dealing as it 
were with the elements of human weaknesses, and 
who already possessed four hundred thousand 
pounds, was very likely to strike out for himself 
some higher road to eminence, than that in which 
he had been laboriously journeying, during the 
years of painful probation. The property of my 
mother had been chiefly invested in good bonds 
and mortgages ; her protector, patron, benefactor, 
and legalized father, having an unconquerable re 
pugnance to confiding in that soulless, conventional, 
nondescript body corporate, the public. The first 
indication that was given by my ancestor of a 
change of purpose in the direction of his energies, 
was by calling in the whole of his outstanding debts, 
and adopting the Napoleon plan of operations, by 
concentrating his forces on a particular point, in 
order that he might operate in masses. About this 
time, too, he suddenly ceased railing at taxation. 
This change may be likened to that which occurs in 
the language of the ministerial journals, when they 
cease abusing any foreign state with whom the na 
tion has been carrying on a war, that it is, at length, 
believed politic to terminate ; and for much the same 
reason, as it was the intention of my thrifty ances- 


tor to make an ally of a power that he had hitherto 
always treated as an enemy. The whole of the 
four hundred thousand pounds were liberally in 
trusted to the country, the former fancy-dealer's 
apprentice entering the arena of virtuous and pa 
triotic speculation, as a bull ; and, if with more 
caution, with at least some portion of the energy 
and obstinacy of the desperate animal that gives 
title to this class of adventurers. Success crowned 
his laudable efforts ; gold rolled in upon him like 
water on the flood, buoying him up, soul and body, 
to that enviable height, where, as it would seem, 
just views can alone be taken of society in its in 
numerable phases. All his former views of life, 
which, in common with others of a similar origin 
and similar political sentiments, he had imbibed in 
early years, and which might with propriety be 
called near views, were now completely obscured 
by the sublimer and broader prospect that was 
spread before him. 

I am afraid the truth will compel me to admit, 
that my ancestor was never charitable in the vul 
gar acceptation of the term ; but then, he always 
maintained that his interest in his fellow-creatures 
was of a more elevated cast, taking a comprehen 
sive glance at all the bearings of good and evil, 
being of the sort of love which induces the 
parent to correct the child, that the lesson of pre 
sent suffering may produce the blessings of future 
respectability and usefulness. Acting on these prin 
ciples, he gradually grew more estranged from his 
species in appearance ; a sacrifice that was pro 
bably exacted by the severity of his practical re 
proofs for their growing wickedness, and the aus 
tere policy that was necessary to enforce them. By 
this time, my ancestor was also thoroughly impress 
ed with what is called the value of money ; a sen- 


timent which, I believe, gives its possessor a livelier 
perception than common of the dangers of the pre 
cious metals, as well as of their privileges. and uses. 
He expatiated occasionally on the guarantees that 
it was necessary to give to society, for its own se 
curity ; never even voted for a parish-officer, unless 
he were a warm substantial citizen ; and began to be 
a subscriber to the patriotic fund, and to the other 
similar little moral and pecuniary buttresses of the. 
government, whose common and commendable 
object was, to protect our country, our altars, and 
our firesides. 

The death-bed of my mother has been described 
to me as a touching and melancholy scene. It ap 
pears that as this meek and retired woman was 
extricated from the coil of mortality, her intel 
lect grew brighter, her powers of discernment 
stronger, and her character in every respect more 
elevated and commanding. Although she had said 
much less about pur firesides and altars than her 
husband, I see no reason to doubt that she had ever 
been quite as faithful as he could be to the one, and 
as much devoted to the other. I shall describe the 
important event of her passage from this to a bet 
ter world, as I have often had it repeated from the 
lips of one who was present, and who has had an 
important agency in since making me the man I 
am. This person was the clergyman of the parish, 
a pious divine, a learned man, and a gentleman in 
feeling as well as by extraction. 

My mother, though long conscious that she was 
drawing near to her last great account, had steadi 
ly refused to draw her husband from his absorbing 
pursuits, by permitting him to be made acquainted 
with her situation. He knew that she was ill ; very 
ill, as he had reason to think; but, as he not only 
allowed her, but even volunteered to order her all 


the advice and relief that money could command, 
(my ancestor was not a miser in the vulgar mean 
ing of the word,) he thought that he had dons all 
that man could do, in a case of life and death, in 
terests over which he professed to have no control. 
He saw Dr. Etherington, the rector, come and go 
daily, for a month, without uneasiness or apprehen 
sion, for he thought his discourse had a tendency to 
tranquillize my mother, and he had a strong affec 
tion for all that left him, undisturbed, to the enjoy 
ment of the occupation in which his whole energies 
were now completely centered. The physician got 
his guinea at each visit, with scrupulous punctual 
ity ; the nurses were well received and were well 
satisfied, for no one interfered with their acts but 
the doctor; and every ordinary duty of commis 
sion was as regularly discharged by my ancestor, 
as if the sinking and resigned creature from whom 
he was about to be for ever separated, had been 
the spontaneous choice of his young and fresh 

When, therefore, a servant entered to say that 
Dr. Etherington desired a private interview, my 
worthy ancestor, who had no consciousness of 
having neglected any obligation that became a 
friend of church and state, was in no small mea 
sure surprised. 

" I come, Mr. Goldencalf, on a melancholy duty,*' 
said the pious rector, entering the private cabinet 
to which his application had for the first time ob 
tained his admission; "the fatal secret can no 
longer be concealed from you, and your wife at 
length consents that I shall be the instrument of 
revealing it." 

The Doctor paused ; for, on such occasions it is 
perhaps as well to let the party that is about to be 


shocked, receive a little of the blow through his 
own imagination ; and busily enough was that of my 
poor father said to be exercised on this painful occa 
sion. He grew pale, opened his eyes until they 
again filled the sockets into which they had gradu 
ally been sinking for twenty years, and looked a 
hundred questions that his tongue refused to put. 

" It cannot be, Doctor," he at length querulously 
said, " that a woman like Betsey has got an ink 
ling into any of the events connected with the last 
great secret expedition, and which have escaped my 
jealousy and experience !" 

" I am afraid, dear sir, that Mrs. Goldencalf has 
obtained glimpses of the last great and secret ex 
pedition on which we must all, sooner or later, em 
bark, that have entirely escaped your vigilance. 
But of this I will speak some other time. At pre 
sent it is my painful duty to inform you it is the 
opinion of the physician, that your excellent wife 
cannot outlive the day, if, indeed, she do the hour." 

My father was struck with this intelligence, and 
for more than a minute he remained silent and 
without motion. Casting his eyes towards the pa 
pers on which he had lately been employed, and 
which contained some very important calculations 
connected with the next settling day, he at length 
resumed : 

" If this be really so, Doctor, it may be well for 
me to go to her, since one in the situation of the 
poor woman may indeed have something of im 
portance to communicate." 

" It was with this object that I have now come to 
tell you the truth," quietly answered the divine, who 
knew that nothing was to be gained by contending 
with the besetting weakness of such a man, at such 
a moment. 


My father bent his head in assent, and, first 
carefully inclosing the open papers in a secretary, 
he followed his companion to the bed-side of his 
dying wife. 


Touching myself and ten thousand pounds. 

ALTHOUGH my ancestor was much too wise to 
refuse to look back upon his origin in a worldly point 
of view, he never threw his retrospective glances 
so far as to reach the sublime mystery of his moral 
existence ; and while his thoughts might be said to 
be ever on the stretch to attain glimpses into the 
future, they were by far too earthly to extend be 
yond any other settling day than those which w r ere 
regulated by the ordinances of the stock exchange. 
With him, to be born was but the commencement 
of a speculation, and to die was to determine the 
general balance of profit and loss. A man who 
had so rarely meditated on the grave changes of 
mortality, therefore, was consequently so much the 
less prepared to gaze upon the visible solemnities 
of a death-bed. Although he had never truly loved 
my mother, for love was a sentiment much too 
pure and elevated for one whose imagination dwelt 
habitually on the beauties of the stock-books, he 
had ever been kind to her, and of late he was even 
much disposed, as has already been stated, to con 
tribute as much to her temporal comforts as com 
ported with his pursuits and habits. On the other 
hand, the quiet temperament of my mother required 
some more exciting cause than the affections of her 
husband, to quicken those germs of deep, placid, 


womanly love, that certainly lay dormant in her 
heart, like seed withering with the ungenial cold 
of winter. The last meeting of such a pair was not 
likely to be attended with any violent outpourings 
of grief. 

My ancestor, notwithstanding, was deeply struck 
with the physical changes in the appearance of his 

" Thou art much emaciated, Betsey," he said, 
taking her hand kindly, after a long and solemn 
pause ; " much more so than I had thought, or could 
have believed ! Does nurse give thee comforting 
soups and generous nourishment ?" 

My mother smiled the ghastly smile of death ; 
but waved her hand, with loathing, at his sugges 

" All this is now too late, Mr. Goldencalf," she an 
swered, speaking with a distinctness and an energy 
for which she had long been reserving her strength. 
"Food and raiment are no longer among my 

" Well, well, Betsey, one that is in want of nei 
ther food nor raiment, cannot be said to be in great 
suffering, after all ; and I am glad that thou art so 
much at ease. Dr. Etherington tells me thou art 
far from well bodily, however, and I am come ex 
pressly to see if I can order any thing that will 
help to make thee more easy." 

"Mr. Goldencalf, you can. My wants for this life 
are nearly over ; a short hour, or two, will remove 

me beyond the world, its cares, its vanities, its " 

My poor mother probably meant to add, its heart- 
lessness or its selfishness ; but she rebuked herself, 
and paused. " By the mercy of our blessed Re 
deemer, and through the benevolent agency of this 
excellent man," she resumed, glancing her eye up 
ward at first with holy reverence, and then at the 


divine with meek gratitude, " I quit you without 
alarm, and were it not for one thing, I might say 
without care." 

" And what is there to distress thee, in particular, 
Betsey?" asked my father, blowing his nose, and 
speaking with unusual tenderness; "if it be in my 
power to set thy heart at ease on this, or on any 
other point, name it, and I will give orders to have 
it immediately performed. Thou hast been a good 
pious woman, and can have little to reproach thy 
self with." 

My mother looked earnestly and wistfully at her 
husband. Never before had he betrayed so strong 
an interest in her happiness, and had it not, alas ! 
been too late, this glimmering of kindness might 
have lighted the matrimonial torch into a brighter 
flame than had ever yet glowed upon the past. 

" Mr. Goldencalf, we have an only son " 

" We have, Betsey, and it may gladden thee to 
hear that the physician thinks the boy more likely 
to live than either of his poor brothers and sisters." 

I cannot explain the holy and mysterious princi 
ple of maternal nature that caused my mother to 
clasp her hands, to raise her eyes to heaven, and, 
while a gleam flitted athwart her glassy eyes and 
wan cheeks, to murmur her thanks to God for the 
boon. She was herself hastening away to the eter 
nal bliss of the pure of mind and the redeemed, and 
her imagination, quiet and simple as it was, had 
drawn pictures in which she and her departed 
babes were standing before the throne of the Most 
High, chanting his glory, and shining amid the 
stars and yet was she now rejoicing that the last and 
the most cherished of all her offspring, was likely 
to be left exposed to the evils, the vices, nay, to the 
enormities, of the state of being that she herself so 
willingly resigned. 


" It is of our boy that I wish now to speak, Mr. 
Goldencalf," replied my mother, when her secret 
devotion was ended. " The child will have need 
of instruction and care ; in short, of both mother 
and father." 

" Betsey, thou forgettest that he will still have the 

" You are much wrapped up in your business, 
Mr. Goldencalf, and are not, in other respects, 
qualified to educate a boy born to the curse and to 
die temptations of immense riches." 

My excellent ancestor looked as if he thought 
his dying consort had in sooth finally taken leave 
of her senses. 

" There are public schools, Betsey ; I promise 
thee the child shall not be forgotten : I will have 
him well taught, though it cost me a thousand a 
year !" 

His wife reached forth her emaciated hand to 
that of my father, and pressed the latter with as 
much force as a dying mother could use. For a 
fleet moment she even appeared to have gotten rid 
of her latest care. But the knowledge of charac 
ter that had been acquired by the hard experience 
of thirty years, was not to be unsettled by the grati 
tude of a moment. 

" I wish, Mr. Goldencalf," she anxiously resumed, 
"to receive your solemn promise to commit the 
education of our boy to Dr. Etherington you 
know his worth, and must have full confidence in 
such a man." 

"Nothing would give me greater satisfaction, my 
dear Betsey ; and if Dr. Etherington will consent 
to receive him, I will send Jack to his house this 
very evening ; for, to own the truth, I am but little 
qualified to take charge of a child under a year old. 


A hundred a year, more or less, shall not spoil so 
good a bargain." 

The divine was a gentleman, and he looked grave 
at this speech, though, meeting the anxious eyes of 
my mother, his own lost their displeasure in a 
glance of reassurance and pity. 

" The charges of his education will be easily set 
tled, Mr. Goldencalf" added my mother "but 
the Doctor has consented with difficulty to take 
the responsibility of my poor babe, and that only 
under two conditions." 

The stock-dealer required an explanation with 
his eyes. 

" One is, that the child shall be left solely to his 
own care, after he has reached his fourth year ; and 
the other is, that you make an endowment for the 
support of two poor scholars, at one of the princi 
pal schools." 

As my mother got out the last words, she fell 
back on her pillow, whence her interest in the sub 
ject had enabled her to lift her head a little, and 
she fairly gasped for breath, in the intensity of her 
anxiety to hear the answer. My ancestor contract 
ed his brow, like one who saw it was a subject 
that required reflection. 

" Thou dost not know perhaps, Betsey, that these 
endowments swallow up a great deal of money 
a great deal and often very uselessly." 

" Ten thousand pounds is the sum that has been 
agreed upon between Mrs. Goldencalf and me," 
steadily remarked the Doctor, who, in my soul, I 
believe had hoped that his condition would be re 
jected, having yielded to the importunities of a dy 
ing woman, rather than to his own sense of that 
which might be either very desirable or very useful. 

" Ten thousand pounds !" 


My mother could not speak, though she succeed 
ed in making an imploring sign of assent. 

" Ten thousand pounds is a great deal of money, 
my dear Betsey ; a very great deal !" 

The colour of my mother changed to the hue 
of death, and by her breathing she appeared to be 
in the agony. 

"Well well, Betsey," said my father a little 
hastily, for he was frightened at her pallid counte 
nance and extreme distress "have it thine own 
way the money yes, yes it shall be given as 
thou wish'st now set thy kind heart at rest." 

The revulsion of feeling was too great for one 
whose system had been wound up to a state of ex 
citement like that which had sustained my mother, 
who, an hour before, had seemed scarcely able to 
speak. She extended her hand towards her hus 
band, smiled benignantly in his face, whispered the 
word " Thanks," and then, losing all her powers 
of body, sunk into the last sleep, as tranquilly as the 
infant drops its head on the bosom of the nurse. 
This was, after all, a sudden, and, in one sense, an 
unexpected death ; all who witnessed it were struck 
with awe. My father gazed for a whole minute 
intently on the placid features of his wife, and left 
the room in silence. He was followed by Dr. 
Etherington, who accompanied him to the private 
apartment, where they had first met that night, 
neither uttering a syllable until both were seated. 

"She was a good woman, Dr. Etherington!" 
said the widowed man, shaking his foot with agi 

" She was a good woman, Mr. Goldencalf." 

"And a good wife, Dr. Etherington." 

" I have always believed her to be a good wife, 

VOL. I. 4 


" Faithful, obedient, and frugal." 

" Three qualities that are of much practical use, 
in the affairs of this world." 

" I never shall marry again, sir." 

The divine bowed. 

" Nay, I never could find such another match !" 

Again the divine inclined his head, though the 
assent was accompanied by a slight smile. 

"Well, she has left me an heir." 

"And brought something that he might inherit" 
observed the Doctor, dryly. 

My ancestor looked up inquiringly at his com 
panion, but apparently most of the sarcasm was 
thrown away. 

" I resign the child to your care, Dr. Ethering- 
ton, conformably to the dying request of my beloved 

" I accept the charge, Mr. Goldencalf, conform 
ably to my promise to the deceased ; but you will 
remember that there was a condition coupled with 
that promise which must be faithfully and promptly 

My ancestor was too much accustomed to respect 
the punctilios of trade, whose code admits of frauds 
only in certain categories, which are sufficiently 
explained in its conventional rules of honor ; a sort 
of specified morality, that is bottomed more on the 
convenience of its votaries than on the general law 
of right. He respected the letter of his promise, 
while his soul yearned to avoid its spirit ; and his 
wits were already actively seeking the means of 
doing that which he so much desired. 

" I did make a promise to poor Betsey, certainly," 
he answered in the way of one who pondered 
"and it was a promise, too, made under very 
solemn circumstances." 

"The promises made to the dead are doubly 


binding ; since, by their departure to the world of 
spirits, it may be said they leave the performance 
to the exclusive superintendence of the Being who 
cannot lie." 

My ancestor quailed ; his whole frame shuddered, 
and his purpose was shaken. 

" Poor Betsey left you as her representative in 
this case, however, Doctor" he observed, after 
the delay of more than a minute, casting his eyes 
wistfully towards the divine. 

"In one sense, she certainly did, sir." 
"And a representative with full powers, is legal 
ly a principal under a different name. I think this 
matter might be arranged to our mutual satisfaction, 
Dr. Etherington, and the intention of poor Betsey 
most completely executed ; she, poor woman, knew 
little of business, as was best for her sex ; and when 
women undertake affairs of magnitude, they are 
very apt to make awkward work of it." 

" So that the intention of the deceased be com 
pletely fulfilled, you will not find me exacting, Mr. 

" I thought as much I knew there could be no 
difficulty between two men of sense, who were met 
with honest views to settle a matter of this nature. 
The intention of poor Betsey, Doctor, was to place 
her child under your care, with the expectation 
and I do not deny its justice that the boy would 
receive more benefit from your knowledge than he 
possibly could from mine." 

Dr. Etherington was too honest to deny these 
premises, and too polite to admit them without an 
inclination of acknowledgment. 

" As we are quite of the same mind, good sir, 
concerning the preliminaries," continued my ances 
tor, " we will enter a little nearer into the details. 
It appears to me to be no more than strict justice, 


that he who does the work should receive the re 
ward. This is a principle in which I have been 
educated, Dr. Etherington; it is one in which I 
could wish to have my son educated ; and it is one 
on which I hope always to practise." 

Another inclination of the body conveyed the 
silent assent of the divine. 

" Now, poor Betsey, Heaven bless her ! for she 
was a meek and tranquil companion, and richly de 
serves to be rewarded in a future state but, poor 
Betsey had little knowledge of business. She fan 
cied, that in bestowing these ten thousand pounds 
on a charity, she was acting well; whereas, she 
was in fact committing injustice. If you are to 
have the trouble and care of bringing up little Jack, 
who but you should reap the reward ?" 

" I shall expect, Mr. Goldencalf, that you will 
furnish the means to provide for the child's wants." 

" Of that, sir, it is unnecessary to speak," inter 
rupted my ancestor, both promptly and proudly. 
" I am a wary man, and a prudent man, and am 
one who knows the value of money, I trust ; but I 
am no miser, to stint my own flesh and blood. Jack 
shall never want for any thing, while it is in my 
power to give it. I am by no means as rich, sir, 
as the neighbourhood supposes ; but then I am no 
beggar. I dare say, if all my assets were fairly 
counted, it might be found that! am worth a plum.'" 

" You are said to have received a much larger 
sum than that, with the late Mrs. Goldencalf," the 
divine observed, not without reproof in his voice. 

"Ah, dear sir, I need not tell you what vulgar 

rumor is but I shall not undermine my own 

credit ; and we will change the subject. My ob 
ject, Dr. Etherington, was merely to do justice. 
Poor Betsey desired that ten thousand pounds might 
be given to found a scholarship or two : now, what 


have these scholars done, or what are they likely to 
do, for me or mine ? The case is different with you, 
sir ; you will have trouble much trouble, I make 
no doubt ; and it is proper, that you should have a 
sufficient compensation. I was about to propose, 
therefore, that you should consent to receive my 
check for three, or four, or even for five thou 
sand pounds," continued my ancestor, raising the 
offer as he saw the frown on the brow of the Doc 
tor deepen. " Yes, sir, I will even say the latter 
sum, which possibly will not be too much for your 
trouble and care ; and we will forget the womanish 
plan of poor Betsey, in relation to the two scholar 
ships and the charity. Five thousand pounds down, 
Doctor, for yourself, and the subject of the charity 
forgotten for ever." 

When my father had thus distinctly put his pro 
position, he awaited its effect with the confidence 
of one who had long dealt with cupidity. For a 
novelty, his calculation failed. The face of Dr. 
Etherington flushed, then paled, and finally settled 
into a look of melancholy reprehension. He arose 
and paced the room for several minutes in silence ; 
during which time his companion believed he was 
debating with himself on the chances of obtaining 
a higher bid for his consent, when he suddenly stop 
ped and addressed my ancestor in a mild, but steady 

" I feel it to be a duty, Mr. Goldencalf," he said, 
" to admonish you of the precipice over which you 
hang. The love of money, which is the root of all 
evil, which caused Judas to betray even his Saviour 
and God, has taken deep root in your soul. You 
are no longer young, and, although still proud in 
your strength and prosperity, are much nearer to 
your great account, than you may be willing to 
believe. It is not an hour since you witnessed th 


departure of a penitent soul for the presence of her 
God ; since you heard the dying request from her 
lips ; and since, in such a presence and in such a 
scene, you gave a pledge to respect her wishes ; 
and, now, with the accursed spirit of gain upper 
most, you would trifle with these most sacred obliga 
tions, in order to keep a little worthless gold in a 
hand that is already full to overflowing. Fancy 
that the pure spirit of thy confiding and single- 
minded wife were present at this conversation; fancy 
it mourning over thy weakness and violated faith 
nay, I know not that such is not the fact ; for 
there is no reason to believe that the happy spirits 
are not permitted to watch near, and mourn over 
us, until we are released from this mass of sin and 
depravity in which we dwell and, then, reflect 
what must be her sorrow, at hearing how soon her 
parting request is forgotten, how useless has been 
the example of her holy end, how rooted and fearful 
are thine own infirmities !" 

My father was more rebuked by the manner 
than by the words of the divine. He passed his 
hand across his brow, as if to shut out the view of 
his wife's spirit ; turned, drew his writing materials 
nearer, wrote a check for the ten thousand pounds, 
and handed it to the doctor with the subdued air of 
a corrected boy. 

" Jack shall be at your disposal, goqd sir," he 
said, as the paper was delivered, " whenever it may 
be your pleasure to send for him." 

They parted in silence ; the divine too much dis 
pleased, and my ancestor too much grieved, to in 
dulge in words of ceremony. 

When my father found himself alone, he gazed 
furtively about the room, to assure himself that the 
rebuking spirit of his wife had not taken a shape 
less questionable than air, and then he mused for at 


least an hour, very painfully, on all the principal 
occurrences of the night. It is said that occupation 
is a certain solace for grief, and so it proved to 
be in the present case ; for luckily my father had 
made up that very day his private account of the 
sum total of his fortune. Sitting down, therefore, 
to the agreeable task, he went through the simple 
process of substracting from it the amount for 
which he had just drawn, and, finding that he was 
still master of seven hundred and eighty-two thou 
sand three hundred and eleven pounds odd shillings 
and even pence, he found a very natural consola 
tion for the magnitude of the sum he had just given 
away, by comparing it with the magnitude of that 
which was left. 


Opinions of our author's ancestor, together with some of his 
own, and some of other people's. 

DR. ETHERINGTON was both a pious man and a 
gentleman. The second son of a baronet of an 
cient lineage, he had been educated in most of the 
opinions of his caste, and possibly he was not en 
tirely above its prejudices ; but, this much admitted, 
lew divines were more willing to defer to the ethics 
and principles of the bible, than himself. His hu 
mility had, of course, a decent regard to station \ 
his charity was judiciously regulated by the articles 
of faith ; and his philanthropy was of the dis 
criminating character that became a warm sup 
porter of church and state. 

In accepting the trust which he was now obliged 
to assume, he had yielded purely to a benevolent 


wish to smooth the dying pillow of my mother. 
Acquainted with the character of her husband, he 
had committed a sort of pious fraud, in attaching 
the condition of the endowment to his consent ; 
for, notwithstanding the becoming language of his 
own rebuke, the promise, and all the other little 
attendant circumstances of the night, it might be 
questioned which felt the most surprise after the 
draft was presented and duly honored, he who found 
himself in possession, or he who found himself de 
prived, of the sum of ten thousand pounds sterling. 
Still, Dr. Etherington acted with the most scrupu 
lous integrity in the whole affair ; and, although I 
am aware, that a writer who has so many wonders 
to relate, as must of necessity adorn the succeeding 
pages of this manuscript, should observe a guarded 
discretion in drawing on the credulity of his read 
ers, truth compels me to add, that every farthing 
of the money was duly invested, with a single eye 
to the wishes of the dying Christian, who, under 
Providence, had been the means of bestowing so 
much gold on the poor and unlettered. As to the 
manner in which the charity was finally improved, 
I shall say nothing, since no inquiry, on my part, 
has ever enabled me to obtain such information as 
would justify my speaking with authority. 

As for myself, I shall have little more to add 
touching the events of the succeeding twenty years. 
I was baptized, nursed, breeched, schooled, .horsed, 
confirmed, sent to the university and graduated, 
much as befalls all gentlemen of the established 
church, in the United Kingdoms of Great Britain 
and Ireland, or, in other words, of the land of my 
ancestor. During these pregnant years, Dr. Ethering 
ton acquitted himself of a duty that, judging by a very 
predominant feeling of human nature, (which, singu 
larly enough, renders us uniformly averse to being 


troubled with other people's affairs,) I think he must 
have found sufficiently vexatious, quite as well as 
ray good mother had' any right to expect. Most 
of my vacations were spent at his rectory ; for he 
had first married, then become a father, next a 
widower, and had exchanged his town-living for 
one in the country, between the periods of my mo 
ther's death and that of my going to Eton ; and, 
after I quitted Oxford, much more of my time was 
passed beneath his friendly roof, than beneath that of 
my own parent. Indeed, I saw little of the latter. 
He paid my bills, furnished me with pocket-money, 
and professed an intention to let me travel after I 
should reach my majority. But, satisfied with 
these proofs of paternal care, he appeared willing 
to let me pursue my own course very much in my 
own way. 

My ancestor was an eloquent example of the 
truth of that political dogma which teaches the 
efficacy of the division of labor. No manufacturer 
of the head of a pin ever attained greater dexterity 
in his single-minded vocation, than was reached by 
my father in the one pursuit to which he devoted, 
so far as human ken could reach, both soul and 
body. As any sense is known to increase in acute- 
ness by constant exercise,- or any passion by indul 
gence, so did his ardor in favor of the great object 
of his affections grow with its growth, and become 
more manifest as an ordinary observer would be 
apt to think the motive of its existence at all had 
nearly ceased. This is a moral phenomenon that 
I have often had occasion to observe, and which 
there is some reason to think, depends on a princi 
ple of attraction that has hitherto escaped the sa 
gacity of the philosophers, but which is as active 
in the immaterial, as is that of gravitation in the 
material world. Talents like his, so incessantly 


and unweariedly employed, produced the usual 
fruits. He grew richer hourly, and, at the time 
of which I speak, he was pretty generally known 
to the initiated, to be the warmest man who had 
any thing to do with the stock exchange. 

I do not think that the opinions of my ancestor 
underwent as many material changes between the 
ages of fifty and seventy, as they had undergone 
between the ages of ten and forty. During the 
latter period, the tree of life usually gets deep root, 
its inclination is fixed, whether obtained by bend 
ing to the storms, or by drawing towards the light ; 
and it probably yields more in fruits of its own, 
than it gains by tillage and manuring. Still my 
ancestor was not exactly the same man the day 
he kept his seventieth birth-day, as he had been 
the day he kept his fiftieth. In the first place, he 
was worth thrice the money at the former period, 
that he had been worth at the latter. Of course 
his moral system had undergone all the mutations 
that are known to be dependent on a change of 
this important character. Beyond a question, 
during the last five-and-twenty years of the life of 
my ancestor, his political bias, too, was in favor of 
exclusive privileges and exclusive benefits. I do 
not mean that he was an aristocrat in the vulgar 
acceptation. To him, feodality was a blank ;^he 
had probably never heard the word. Portcullises 
rose and fell, flanking towers lifted their heads, and 
embattled walls swept around their fabrics in vain, 
so far as his imagination was concerned. He cared 
not for the days of courts leet and courts baron ; 
nor for the barons themselves ; nor for the honors 
of a pedigree (why should he ? no prince in the 
land could more clearly trace his family into ob 
scurity, than himself,) nor for the vanities of a 
court, nor for those of society ; nor for aught else 


of the same nature, that is apt to have charms for 
the weak-minded, the imaginative, or the conceit 
ed. His political prepossessions showed themselves 
in a very different manner. Throughout the whole 
of the five lustres I have named, he was never 
heard to whisper a censure against government, 
let its measures, or the character of its administra 
tion, be what it would. It was enough for him 
that it was government. Even taxation no longer 
excited his ire, nor aroused his eloquence. He con 
ceived it to be necessary to order, and especially 
to the protection of property, a branch of political 
science that he had so studied, as to succeed in 
protecting his own estate, in a measure, against 
even this great ally itself. After he became worth 
a million, it was observed that all his opinions grew 
less favorable to mankind in general, and that he 
was much disposed to exaggerate the amount and 
quality of the few boons which Providence has 
bestowed on the poor. The report of a meeting 
of the whigs, generally had an effect on his appe 
tite ; a resolution that was suspected of emanating 
from Brookes', commonly robbed him of a dinner, 
and the radicals never seriously moved that he did 
not spend a sleepless night, and pass a large por 
tion of the next day, in uttering words that it 
would be hardly moral to repeat. I may without 
impropriety add, however, that on such occasions, 
he did not spare allusions to the gallows : Sir Fran 
cis Burdett, in particular, was a target for a good 
deal of billingsgate ; and men as upright and as 
respectable even as my lords Grey, Lansdowne, 
and Holland, were treated as if they were no bet 
ter than they should be. But, on these little details 
it is unnecessary to dwell, for it must be a subject 
of common remark, that the more elevated and 
refined men become in their political ethics, the 


more they are accustomed to throw dirt upon their 
neighbors. I will just state, however, that most 
of what I have here related, has been transmitted 
to me by direct oral traditions, for I seldom saw 
my ancestor, and when we did meet, it was only 
to settle accounts, to eat a leg of mutton together, 
and to part like those who, at least, have never 

Not so with Dr. Etherington. Habit (to say 
nothing of my own merits) had attached him to 
one who owed so much to his care, and his doors 
were always as open to me, as if I had been his 
own son. 

It has been said, that most of my idle time 
(omitting the part mispent in the schools) was 
passed at the rectory. 

The excellent divine had married a lovely 
woman, a year or two after the death of my mo 
ther, who had left him a widower, and the father 
of a little image of herself, before the expiration 
of a twelvemonth. Owing to the strength of his 
affections for the deceased, or for his daughter, or 
because he could not please himself in a second 
marriage as well as it had been his good fortune to 
do so in the first, Dr. Etherington had never spoken 
of forming another connexion. He appeared con 
tent to discharge his duties, as a Christian and a 
gentleman, without increasing them by creating 
any new relations with society. 

Anna Etherington was of course my constant 
companion, during many long and delightful visits at 
the rectory. Three years my junior, the friendship 
on my part had commenced by a hundred acts of 
boyish kindness. Between the ages of seven and 
twelve, I dragged her about in a garden-chair, 
pushed her on the swing, and wiped her ejjgs and 
uttered words of friendly consolation, wnen any 


transient cloud obscured the sunny brightness of her 
childhood. From twelve to fourteen, I told her 
stories ; astonished her with narratives of my own 
exploits at Eton, and caused her serene blue eyes 
to open in admiration, at the marvels of London. 
At fourteen, I began to pick up her pocket-handker 
chief, hunt for her thimble, accompany her in duets, 
and to read poetry to- her, as she occupied herself 
with the little lady-like employments of the needle. 
About the age of seventeen, I began to compare 
cousin Anna, as I was permitted to call her, with the 
other young girls of my acquaintance, and the com 
parison was generally much in her favor. It was 
also about this time, that, as my admiration grew 
more warm and manifest, she became less confiding, 
and less frank : I perceived too that, for a novelty, 
she now had some secrets that she did not choose 
to communicate to me, that she was more with her 
governess, and less in my society than formerly, 
and, on one occasion (bitterly did I feel the slight) 
she actually recounted to her father the amusing 
incidents of a little birth-day fete at which she 
had been present, and which was given by a gen 
tleman of the vicinity, before she even dropped a 
hint to me, touching the delight she had experi 
enced on the occasion ! I was, however, a good 
deal compensated for the slight, by her saying, 
kindly, as she ended her playful and humorous ac 
count of the affair, 

"It would have made you laugh heartily, Jack, 
to see the droll manner in which the servants acted 
their parts;" (there had been a sort of mistified 
masque) "more particularly the fat old butler, of 
whom they had made a Cupid, as Dick Griffin said, 
in order to show that Love becomes drowsy and dull 
by good eating and drinking I do wish you could 
have been there, Jack." 

VOL. I. 5 


Anna was a gentle feminine girl, with a most 
lovely and winning countenance, and I did inherent 
ly like to hear her pronounce the word " Jack" 
it was so different from the boisterous screech of 
the Eton boys, or the swaggering call of my boon 
companions, at Oxford ! 

" 1 should have liked it excessively myself, Anna," 
I answered; "more particularly as you seem to 
have so much enjoyed the fun." 

" Yes, but that could not be" interrupted Miss- 
Mrs. Norton, the governess. " For Sir Harry Grii- 
fin is very difficult about his associates, and you 
know, my dear, that Mr. Goldencalf, though a very 
respectable young man himself, could not expect 
one of the oldest Baronets of the county, to go out 
of his way to invite the son of a stock-jobber to be 
present at a fete given to his own heir." 

Luckily for Miss-Mrs. Norton, Dr. Etherington 
had walked away, the moment his daughter ended 
her recital, or she might have met with a disagree 
able commentary on her notions concerning the fit 
ness of associations. Anna herself looked earnestly 
at her governess, and I'saw a flush mantle over her 
sweet face, that reminded me of the ruddiness of 
morn. Her soft eyes then fell to the floor, and it 
was some time before she spoke. 

The next day I was arranging some fishing-tackle 
under a window of the library, where my person 
was concealed by the shrubbery, when I heard the 
melodious voice of Anna wishing the rector good 
morning. My heart beat quicker as she approach 
ed the casement, tenderly inquiring of her parent 
how he had passed the night. The answers were 
as affectionate as the questions, and then there 
was a little pause. 

"What is a stock-jobber, father?" suddenly re 
sumed Anna, whom I heard rustling the leaves 
above my head. 


"A stock-jobber, my dear, is one who buys and 
sells in the public funds, with a view to profit." 

"And is it thought a particularly disgraceful 
employment ?" 

"Why, that depends on circumstances. On 
'Change it seems to be well enough among mer 
chants and bankers, there is some odium attached 
to it, I believe." 

"And can you say why, father ?" 

" I believe," said Dr. Etherington, laughing, " for 
no other reason than that it is an uncertain calling 
one that is liable to sudden reverses what is 
termed gambling and whatever renders property 
insecure, is sure to obtain odium among those 
whose principal concern is its accumulation ; those 
who consider the responsibility of others of essen 
tial importance to themselves." 

" But is it a dishonest pursuit, father ?" 

"'As the times go, not necessarily, my dear; 
though it may readily become so." 

"And is it disreputable, generally, with the 
world ?" 

" That depends on circumstances, Anna. When 
the stock-jobber loses, he is very apt to be con 
demned ; but I rather think his character rises in 
proportion to his gains. But why do you ask these 
singular questions, love 1" 

I thought I heard Anna breathe harder than 
usual, and it is certain that she leaned, far out of 
the window, to pluck a rose. 

" Why, Mrs. Norton said, Jack was not invited 
to Sir Harry Griffin's, because his father was a 
stock-jobber. Do you think she was right, sir ?" 

"Very likely, my dear," returned the divine, 
who I fancied was smiling at the question. " Sir 
Harry has the advantages of birth, and he proba 
bly did not forget that our friend Jack was not sa 


fortunate and, moreover, Sir Harry, while he 
values himself on his wealth, is not as rich as 
Jack's father, by a million or two in other words, 
as they say on 'Change, Jack's father could buy 
ten of him. This motive was perhaps more likely 
to influence him than the first. In addition, Sir 
Harry is suspected of gambling himself in the 
funds, through the aid of agents ; and a gentleman 
who resorts to such means to increase his fortune, 
is a little apt to exaggerate his social advantages, 
by. way of a set-off to the humiliation." 

" And gentlemen do really become stock-jobbers, 

" Anna, the world has undergone great changes 
in my time. Ancient opinions have been shaken, 
and governments themselves are getting to be 
little better than political establishments to add 
facilities to the accumulation of money. This is 
a subject, however, you cannot very well under 
stand, nor do I pretend to be very profound in it, 

" But is Jack's father really so very, very rich ?" 
asked Anna, whose thoughts had been wandering 
from the thread of those pursued by her father. 

" He is believed to be so." 

" And Jack is his heir ?" 

" Certainly he has no other child ; though it is 
not easy to say, what so singular a being may do 
with his money." 

" I hope he will disinherit Jack !" 

" You surprise me, Anna ! You, who are so 
mild and reasonable, to wish such a misfortune to 
befall our young friend, John Goldencalf !" 

I gazed upward in astonishment, at this extra 
ordinary speech of Anna, and, at the moment, I 
would have given all my interest in the fortune in 
question, to have seen her face, (most of her body 


was out of the window, for I heard her again 
rustling the bush above my head,) in order to judge 
of her motive by its expression ; but an envious 
rose grew exactly in the only spot where it was 
possible to get a glimpse. 

" Why do you wish so cruel a thing ?" resumed 
Dr. Etherington, a little earnestly. 

" Because I hate stock-jobbing, and its riches, 
father. Were Jack poorer, it seems to me, he 
would be better esteemed." 

As this was uttered, the dear girl drew back, 
and I then perceived that I had mistaken her cheek 
for one of the largest and most blooming of the 
flowers. Dr. Etherington laughed, and I distinctly 
heard him kiss the blushing face of his daughter. 
I think I would have given up my hopes in another 
million, to have been the rector of Tenthpig, at 
that instant. 

"If this be all, child," he answered, "set thy 
heart at rest. Jack's money will never bring him 
into contempt, unless through the use he may 
make of it. Alas ! Anna, we live in an age of 
corruption and cupidity! Generous motives ap 
pear to be lost sight of, in the general desire of 
gain ; and he who would manifest a disposition to 
a pure and disinterested philanthropy, is either dis 
trusted as a hypocrite, or derided as a fool. The 
accursed revolution among our neighbors, the 
French, has quite unsettled opinions, and religion 
itself has tottered in the wild anarchy of theories, 
to which it has given rise. There is no worldly 
advantage that has been more austerely denounced 
by the divine writers, than riches, and yet it is fast 
rising to be the god of the ascendant. To say no 
thing of an hereafter, society is getting to be cor 
rupted by it to the core, and even respect for birth 
is yielding to the mercenary feeling." 


" And do you not think pride of birth, father, a 
mistaken prejudice, as well as pride of riches ?" 

" Pride of any sort, my love, cannot exactly be 
defended on evangelical principles ; but surely 
some distinctions among men are necessary, even 
for quiet. Were the levelling principle acknow 
ledged, the lettered and the accomplished must 
descend to an equality with the ignorant and vul 
gar, since all men cannot rise to the attainments 
of the former class, and the world would retro 
grade to barbarism. The character of a Christian 
gentleman is much too precious to trifle with, in 
order to carry out an impracticable theory." 

Anna was silent. Probably she was confused 
between the opinions which she most liked to che 
rish, and the faint glimmerings of truth to which 
we are reduced, by the ordinary relations of life. 
As for the good rector himself, I had no difficulty 
in understanding his bias, though neither his pre 
mises nor his conclusions possessed the logical clear 
ness that used to render his sermons so delightful, 
more especially when he preached about the higher 
qualities of the Saviour's dispensation, such as 
charity, love of our fellows, and, in particular, the 
imperative duty of humbling ourselves before God. 

A month after this accidental dialogue, chance 
made me the auditor of what passed between my 
ancestor and Sir Joseph Job, another celebrated 
dealer in the funds, in an interview that took place 
in the house of the former, in Cheapside. As the 
difference was so patent, as the French express 
it, I shall furnish the substance of what passed. 

" This is a serious and a most alarming move 
ment, Mr. Goldencalf," observed Sir Joseph, " and 
calls for union and cordiality among the holders 
of property. Should these damnable opinions set 
fairly abroad among the people, what would be- 


come of us 1 I ask, Mr. Goldencalf, what would 
become of us ?" 

" I agree with you, Sir Joseph, it is very alarm 
ing ! frightfully alarming !" 

" We shall have Agrarian laws, sir. Your mo 
ney, sir, and mine, our hard earnings, will be 
come the prey of political robbers, and our chil 
dren will be beggared, to satisfy the envious long 
ings of some pitiful scoundrel without a six-pence !" 

"'Tis a sad state of things, Sir Joseph; and 
government is very culpable that it don't raise at 
least ten new regiments." 

" The worst of it is, good Mr. Goldencalf, that 
there are some jack-a-napes of the aristocracy 
who lead the rascals on, and lend them the sanc 
tion of their names. It is a great mistake, sir, 
that we give so much importance to birth in this 
island, by which means proud beggars set unwash 
ed blackguards in motion, and the substantial sub 
jects are the sufferers. Property, sir, is in dan 
ger, and property is the only true basis of society." 

" I am sure, Sir Joseph, I never could see the 
smallest use in birth." 

" It is of no use, but to beget pensioners, Mr. 
Goldencalf. Now, with property, it is a different 
thing money is the parent of money, and by 
money a state becomes powerful and prosperous. 
But this accursed revolution among our neighbors, 
the French, has quite unsettled opinions, and, alas ! 
property is in perpetual danger !" 

" Sorry am I to say, I feel it to be so in every 
nerve of my body, Sir Joseph." 

"We must unite and defend ourselves, Mr. 
Goldencalf, else both you and I, men warm enough 
and substantial enough at present, will be in the 
ditch. Do you not see that we are in actual dan 
ger of a division of property ?" 

" God forbid !" 


" Yes, sir, our sacred property is in danger !" 
Here, Sir Joseph shook my father cordially by 
the hand, and withdrew. I find, by a memoran 
dum among the papers of my deceased ancestor, 
that he paid the broker of Sir Joseph, that day 
month, sixty-two thousand seven hundred and 
twelve pounds of difference, (as bull and bear,) 
owing to the fact of the knight having got some 
secret information through a clerk in one of the 
offices ; an advantage that enabled him, in this in 
stance, at least, to make a better bargain than one 
who was generally allowed to be among the 
shrewdest calculators on 'Change. 

My mind was of a nature to be considerably 
exercised,(as the pious purists express it,)by becom 
ing the depository of sentiments so diametrically 
opposed to each other, as those of Dr. Etherington 
and those of Sir Joseph Job. On the one side, I 
was taught the degradation of birth; on the other, 
the dangers of property. Anna was usually my 
confidant, but on this subject I was tongue-tied, 
for I dared not confess that I had overheard the 
discourse with her father, and I was compelled to 
digest the contradictory doctrines by myself, in the 
best manner I could. 


Showing the upa and downs, the hopes and fears, and the 
vagaries of love, some views of death, and an account of 
an inheritance. 

FROM my twentieth to my twenty-third year, 
no event occurred of any "great moment. The 
day I became of age, my father settled on me 
a regular allowance of a thousand a year, and I 


make no doubt I should have spent my time much 
as other young men, had it not been for the pecu 
liarity of my birth, which I now began to see was 
wanting in a few of the requisites to carry me 
successfully through a struggle for place, with a 
certain portion of what is called the great world. 
While most were anxious to trace themselves into 
obscurity, there was a singular reluctance to ef 
fecting the object as clearly and as distinctly as 
it was in my power to do. From all which, as 
well as from much other testimony, I have been 
led to infer, that the doses of mistification which 
appear to be necessary to the happiness of the hu 
man race, require to be mixed with an experienced 
and a delicate hand. Our organs, both physically 
and morally, are so fearfully constituted, that they 
require to be protected from realities. As the phy 
sical eye has need of clouded glass, to look steadily 
at the sun, so it would seem the mind's eye has also 
need of something smoky, to look steadily at truth. 
But, while I avoided laying open the secret of my 
heart to Anna, I sought various opportunities to 
converse with Dr. Etherington and my father, on 
those points which gave me the most concern. 
From the first, I heard principles which went to 
show that society was of necessity divided into 
orders ; that it was not only impolitic, but wicked, ' 
to weaken the barriers by which they were sepa 
rated ; that Heaven had its seraphs and cherubs, 
its archangels and angels, its saints and its merely 
happy, and that, by obvious induction, this world 
ought to have its kings, lords, and commons. The 
usual winding up of all the Doctor's essays, was a 
lamentation on the confusion in classes that was 
visiting England as a judgment. My ancestor, on 
the other hand, cared little for social classification, 
or for any other conservatory expedient but force, 


On this topic he would talk all day, regiments and 
bayonets glittering in every sentence. When most 
eloquent on this theme, he would cry, (like Mr. 
Manners Sutton,) " ORDER order !" nor can I 
recall a single disquisition that did not end with, 
" Alas, Jack, property is in danger !" 

I shall not say that my mind entirely escaped 
confusion among these conflicting opinions, al 
though I luckily got a glimpse of one important 
truth, for both the commentators cordially agreed 
in fearing and, of necessity, in hating the mass of 
their fellow-creatures. My own natural disposi 
tion was inclining to philanthropy, and, as I was 
unwilling to admit the truth of theories that array 
ed me in open hostility against so large a portion 
of mankind, I soon determined to set up one of my 
own, which, while it avoided the faults, should 
include the excellencies, of both the others. It was, 
of course, no great affair merely to form such a 
resolution ; but I shall have occasion to say a word 
hereafter, on the manner in which I attempted to 
carry it out in practice. 

Time moved on, and Anna became each day 
more beautiful. I thought that she had lost some 
of her frankness and girlish gaiety, it is true, after 
the dialogue with her father; but this I attributed 
to the reserve and discretion that became the 
expanding reason and greater feeling of propriety 
that adorn young womanhood. With me she was 
always ingenuous and simple, and were I to live 
a thousand years, the angelic serenity of counte 
nance with which she invariably listened to the 
theories of my busy brain, would not be erased 
from recollection. 

We were talking of these things one morning 
quite alone. Anna heard me when I was most 
sedate with manifest pleasure, and she smiled 


mournfully when the thread of my argument was 
entangled by a vagary of the imagination. I felt 
at my heart's core what a blessing such a Mentor 
would be, and how fortunate would be my lot 
could I succeed in securing her for life. Still I 
did not could not summon courage to lay bare 
my inmost thoughts, and to beg a boon that, in 
these moments of transient humility, I feared I 
never should be worthy to possess. 

" I have even thought of marrying," I con 
tinued, so occupied with my own theories as not 
to weigh, with the accuracy that becomes the 
frankness and superior advantages which man 
possesses over the gentler sex, the full import of 
my words " could I find one, Anna, as gentle, 
as good, as beautiful, and as wise as yourself, who 
would consent to be mine, I should not wait a 
minute ; but, unhappily, I fear this is not likely to 
be my blessed lot. I arn not the grandson of a 
Baronet, and your father expects to unite you with 
one who can at least show that the "bloody hand" 
has once been borne on his shield ; and, on the 
other side, my father talks of nothing but millions." 
During the first part of this speech, the amiable 
girl looked kindly up at me, and with a seeming de 
sire to soothe me ; but at its close, her eyes dropped 
upon her work, and she remained silent. " Your 
father says that every man who has an interest in 
the state should give it pledges," here Anna 
smiled, but so covertly, that her sweet mouth 
scarce betrayed the impulse " and that none 
others can ever control it to advantage. I have 
thought of asking my father to buy a borough and 
a baronetcy, for with the first, and the influence 
that his money gives, he need not long wish for 
the last ; but I never open my lips on any matter 
of the sort, that he does not answer *Fol lol der 


rol, Jack, with your knighthoods and social order, 
and bishoprics and boroughs property is in dan 
ger! loans and regiments, if thou wilt, give us 
more order 'ORDER order' bayonets are 
what we want, boy, and good wholesome taxes, 
to accustom the nation to contribute to its own 
wants, and to maintain its credit. Why, youngster, 
if the interest on the debt were to remain unpaid 
twenty-four hours, your body corporate, as you 
call it^ would die a natural death ; and what would 
then become of your knights-barro-knights and 
barren enough some of them are getting to be, by 
their wastefulness and extravagance. Get thee 
married, Jack, and settle prudently. There is 
neighbor Silverpenny has an only daughter of a 
suitable age ; and a good hussy is she, in the bar 
gain. The only daughter of Oliver Silverpenny will 
be a suitable wife for the only son of Thomas Gold- 
encalf; though I give thee notice, boy, that thou 
wilt be cut off with a competency; so keep thy head 
clear of extravagant castle-building, learn econo 
my in season, and, above all, make no debts.' " 
Anna laughed as I humorously imitated the well- 
known intonations of Mr. Speaker Sutton, but a 
cloud darkened her bright features when I con 

" Yesterday I mentioned the subject to your 
father," I resumed, "and he thought with me, that 
the idea of the borough and the baronetcy was a 

food one. ' You would be the second of your line, 
ack,' he said, * and that is always better than 
being the first; for there is no security for a man's 
being a good member of society, like that of his 
having presented to his eyes the examples of those 
who have gone before him, and who have been 
distinguished by their services, or their virtues. If 
your father would consent to come into parliament, 


t< S '* - : K ." ,.;.*? _-; "'',. ! 

and sustain government at this critical moment, 
his origin would be overlooked, and you would 
have pride in looking back on his acts. As it is, I 
fear his whole soul is occupied with the unworthy 
and debasing passion of mere gain. Money is a 
necessary auxiliary to rank, and without rank 
there can be no order, and without order no lib 
erty ; but when the love of money gets to occupy 
the place of respect for descent and past actions, 
a community loses the very sentiment on which 
all its noble exploits are bottomed.' So, you see, 
dear Anna, that our parents hold very different 
opinions on a very grave question, and between 
natural affection and acquired veneration, I scarce 
ly know which to receive. If I could find one, 
sweet, and wise, and beautiful as thou, and who 
could pity me, I would marry to-morrow, and cast 
all the future on the happiness that is to be found 
with such a companion." 

As usual, Anna heard me in silence. That she 
did not, however, view matrimony with exactly 
the same eyes as myself, was clearly proved the 
very next day, for young Sir Harry Griffin (the 
father was dead) offered in form, and was very 
decidedly refused. 

Although I was always happy at the rectory, I 
could not help feeling, rather than seeing, that, as 
the French express it, I occupied a false position 
in society. Known to be the expectant of great 
wealth, it was not easy to be overlooked altogether 
in a country whose government is based on a 
representation of property, and in which boroughs 
are openly in market ; and yet they who had ob 
tained the accidental advantage of having their 
fortunes made by their grandfathers, were con 
stantly convincing me that mine, vast as it was 
thought to be, was made by my father. Ten thou- 
VOL. I. 6 


sand times did I wish (as it has since been express 
ed by the great captain of the age,) that I had been 
my own grandson ; for, notwithstanding the pro 
bability that he who is nearest to the founder of 
a fortune, is the most likely to share the largest 
in its accumulations, as he who is nearest in de 
scent to the progenitor who has illustrated his race, 
is the most likely to feel the influence of his char 
acter, I was not long in perceiving that in highly 
refined and intellectual communities, the public 
sentiment, as it is connected with the respect 
and influence that are the meed of both, direct 
ly refutes the inferences of all reasonable con 
jectures on the subject. I was out of my place, 
uneasy, ashamed, proud, and resentful ; in short, 
I occupied a false position, and, unluckily, one 
from which I saw no plausible retreat, except by 
falling back on Lombard Street, or by cutting my 
throat Anna, alone, kind, gentle, serene-eyed 
Anna, entered into all my joys, sympathized in my 
mortifications, and appeared to view me as I was ; 
neither dazzled by my wealth, nor repelled by my 
origin. The day she refused young Sir Harry Grif 
fin, I could have kneeled at her feet, and called her 
blessed ! 

It is said that no moral disease is ever benefited 
by its study. I was a living proof of the truth 
of the opinion, that brooding over one's wrongs or 
infirmities seldom does much more than aggravate 
the evil. I greatly fear it is in the nature of man 
to depreciate the advantages he actually enjoys, 
and to exaggerate those which are denied him. 
Fifty times, during the six months that succeeded 
the repulse of the young baronet, did I resolve to 
take heart, and to throw myself at the feet of 
Anna, and as often was I deterred by the appre 
hension that I had nothing to render me worthy 


of one so excellent, and especially of one who was 
the granddaughter of the seventh English baronet. 
I do not pretend to explain the connexion between 
cause and effect, for I am neither physician nor 
metaphysician; but the tumult of spirits that re 
sulted from so many doubts, hopes, fears, resolu 
tions and breakings of resolutions, began to affect 
my health, and I was just about to yield to the 
advice of my friends (among whom Anna was the 
most earnest and the most sorrowful,) to travel, 
when an unexpected call to attend the death-bed 
of my ancestor was received. I tore myself from 
the rectory, and hurried up to town, with the dili 
gence and assiduity of an only son and heir, sum 
moned on an occasion so solemn. 

I found my ancestor still in the possession of his 
senses, though given over by the physicians ; a cir 
cumstance that proved a degree of disinterested 
ness and singleness of purpose on their part, that 
was scarcely to be expected towards a patient who 
it was commonly believed was worth more than a 
million. My reception by the servants, and by the 
two or three friends who had assembled on this 
melancholy occasion, too, was sympathizing, warm, 
and of a character to show their solicitude and 

My reception by the sick man was less marked. 
The total abstraction of his faculties in the one 
great pursuit of his life ; a certain sternness of pur 
pose, which is apt to get the ascendant with those 
who are resolute to gain, and which usually com 
municates itself to the manners ; and an absence 
of those kinder ties that are developed by the ex 
ercise of the more familiar charities of our exist 
ence, had opened a breach between us, that was 
not to be filled by the simple unaided fact of natu 
ral affinity I say of natural affinity, for, notwith- 


standing the doubts that cast their shadows on that 
branch of my genealogical tree by which I was 
connected with my maternal grandfather, the title 
of the King to his crown is not more apparent, 
than was my direct lineal descent from my father. 
I always believed him to be my ancestor de jure, 
as well as de facto, and could fain have loved him 
and honoured him as such, had my natural yearn 
ings been met with more lively bowels of sympathy 
on his side. 

Notwithstanding the long and unnatural estrange 
ment that had thus existed between the father and 
son, the meeting, on the present occasion, however, 
was not entirely without some manifestations of 

" Thou art come at last, Jack," said my ances 
tor. " I was afraid, boy, thou might'st be too late." 

The difficult breathing, haggard countenance, 
and broken utterance of my father, struck me with 
awe. This was the first death-bed by which I had 
ever stood ; and the admonishing picture of time 
passing into eternity, was indelibly stamped on my 
memory. It was not only a death-bed scene, but 
it was a family death-bed scene. I know not how 
it was, but I thought my ancestor looked more like 
the Goldencalfs than I had ever seen him look be 

" Thou hast come at last, Jack," he repeated, "and 
I'm glad of it. Thou art the only being in whom 
I have now any concern. It might have been bet 
ter, perhaps, had I lived more with my kind 

but thou wilt be the gainer. Ah ! Jack, we are but 
miserable mortals, after all ! To be called away 
so suddenly, and so young !" 

My ancestor had seen his seventy-fifth birth-day ; 
but, unhappily, he had not settled all his accounts 
with the world, although he had given the physi- 


cian his last fee, and sent the parson away with a 
donation to the poor of the parish, that would make 
even a beggar merry for a whole life. 

" Thou art come at last, Jack ! Well, my loss 
will be thy gain, boy ! Send the nurse from the 

I did as commanded, and we were left to our 

" Take this key," handing me one from beneath 
his pillow, " and open the upper draw of my secre 
tary. Bring me the packet which is addressed to 

I silently obeyed ; when my ancestor, first gazing 
at it with a sadness that I cannot well describe 
for it was neither worldly, nor quite of an ethereal 
character, but a singular and fearful compound 
of both, put the papers into my hand, relinquish 
ing his hold slowly and with reluctance. 

" Thou wilt wait till I am out of thy sight, Jack?" 

A tear burst from out its source,' and fell upon 
the emaciated hand of my father. He looked at 
me wistfully, and I felt a slight pressure that de 
noted affection. 

" It might have been better, Jack, had we known 
more of each other. But Providence made me 
fatherless, and I have lived childless by my own 
folly. Thy mother was a saint, I believe ; but I 
fear I learned it too late. Well, a blessing often 
comes at the eleventh hour !" 

As my ancestor now manifested a desire not to 
be disturbed, I called the nurse, and quitted the 
room, retiring to my own modest chamber, where 
the packet, a large bundle of papers sealed and 
directed to myself in the handwriting of the dying 
man, was carefully secured under a good lock. I 
did not meet my father again, but once, under cir 
cumstances which admitted of intelligible com- 


munion. From the time of our first interview he 
gradually grew worse, his reason tottered, and, 
like the sinful cardinal of Shakspeare, " he died 
and gave no sign." 

Three days after my arrival, however, I was left 
alone with him, and he suddenly revived from a 
state approaching to stupor. It was the only time, 
since the first interview, in which he had seemed 
even to know me. 

" Thou art come at last !" he said, in a tone that 
was already sepulchral " Canst tell me, boy, why 
they had golden rods to measure the city ?" his 
nurse had been reading to him a chapter of the 
Revelations, which had been selected by himself 
" Thou seest, lad, the wall itself was of jasper, and 
the city was of pure gold I shall not need money 
in my new habitation ha ! it will not be wanted 
there ! I am not crazed, Jack would I had loved 
gold less and my kind more. The city itself is 
of pure gold, and the walls of jasper precious 
abode! hal Jack, thou hearest, boy I am happy 
too happy, Jack ! gold gold !" 

The final words were uttered with a shout. 
They were the last that ever came from the lips of 
Thomas Goldencalf. The noise brought in the at 
tendants, who found him dead. I ordered the room 
to be cleared, as soon as the melancholy truth was 
fairly established, and remained several minutes 
alone with the body. The countenance was set in 
death. The eyes, still open, had that revolting 
glare of frenzied delight with which the spirit had 
departed, and the whole face presented the dread 
picture of a hopeless end. I knelt, and, though a 
rrotestant, prayed fervently for the soul of the 
deceased. I then took my leave of the first and 
the last of all my ancestors. 

To this scene succeeded the usual period of out- 


ward sorrow, the interment, and the betrayal of 
the expectations of the survivors. I observed that 
the house was much frequented by many who 
rarely or never had crossed its threshold during 
the life of its late owner. There was much cor 
nering, much talking in an under-tone, and looking 
at me, that 1 did not understand, and gradually 
the number of regular visitors increased, until it 
amounted to about twenty. Among them were 
the parson of the parish, the trustees of several 
notorious charities, three attorneys, four or five 
well-known dealers of the stock-exchange, fore 
most among whom was Sir Joseph Job, and three 
of the professionally benevolent, or of those whose 
sole occupation appears to be that of quickening 
the latent charities of their neighbors. 

The day after my ancestor was finally removed 
from our sight, the house was more than usually 
crowded. The secret conferences increased both 
in earnestness and in frequency, and finally I was 
summoned to meet these ill-timed guests in the 
room which had been the sanctum sanctorum of 
the late owner of the dwelling. As I entered 
among twenty strange faces, wondering why I, 
who had hitherto passed through life so little 
heeded, should be so unseasonably importuned, Sir 
Joseph Job presented himself as the spokesman 
of the party. 

" We have sent for you, Mr. Goldencalf," the 
knight commenced, decently wiping his eyes, "be 
cause we think that respect for our late much- 
esteemed, most excellent, and very respectable 
friend requires that we no longer neglect his final 
pleasure, but that we should at once proceed to 
open his will, in order that we may take prompt 
measures for its execution. It would have been 
more regular had we done this before he was in- 


terred, for we cannot have foreseen his pleasure 
concerning his venerable remains ; but it is fully 
my determination to have every thing done as he 
has ordered, even though we may be compelled to 
disinter the body." 

I am habitually quiescent, and possibly credu 
lous, but nature has not denied me a proper spirit. 
What Sir Joseph Job, or any one but myself, 
had to do with the will of my ancestor, did not 
strike me at first sight; and I took care to express 
as much, in terms it was not easy to misunder 

"The only child, and, indeed, the only known 
relative of the deceased," I said, '* I do not well 
see, gentlemen, how this subject should interest, 
in this lively manner, so many strangers !" 

" Very spirited and proper, no doubt, sir," re 
turned Sir Joseph, smiling ; " but you ought to 
know, young gentleman, that if there are such 
things as heirs, there are also such things as exe 
cutors !" 

This I did know already, and I had also some 
where imbibed an opinion that the latter was com 
monly the most lucrative situation. 

" Have you any reason to suppose, Sir Joseph 
Job, that my late father has selected you to fulfil 
this trust?"* 

" That will be better known in the end, young 
gentleman. Your late father is known to have 
died rich; very rich not that he has left as much 
by half a million as vulgar report will have it 
but what I should term comfortably off; and it is 
unreasonable to suppose that a man of his great 
caution and prudence should suffer his money to 
go to the heir-at-law, that heir being a youth only 
in his twenty-third year, ignorant of business, not 
over-gifted with experience, and having the pro- 


all of his years in this ill-behaving 
and extravagant age, without certain trusts and 
provisions, which will leave his hard earnings, for 
some time to come, under the care of men who, 
like himself, know the full value of money." 

"No, never! 'tis quite impossible 'tis more 
than impossible !" exclaimed the by-standers, all 
shaking their heads. 

" And the late Mr. Goldencalf, too, intimate with 
most of the substantial names on 'Change, and 
particularly with Sir Joseph Job !" added another. 

Sir Joseph Job nodded his head, smiled, stroked 
his chin, and stood waiting for my reply. 

"Property is in danger, Sir Joseph," I said, 
ironically ; " but it matters not. If there is a will, 
it is as much my interest to know it as it can pos 
sibly be yours; and I am quite willing that a search 
be made on the spot." 

Sir Joseph looked daggers at me ; but, being a 
man of business, he took me at my word, and, re 
ceiving the keys I offered, a proper person was 
immediately set to work to open the drawers. The 
search was continued for four hours without suc 
cess. Every private drawer was rummaged, every 
paper opened, and many a curious glance was cast 
at the contents of the latter, in order to get some 
clue to the probable amount of the assets of the 
deceased. Consternation and uneasiness very evi 
dently increased among most of the spectators, as 
the fruitless examination proceeded; and when the 
notary ended, declaring that no will was to be 
found, nor any evidence of credits, every eye was 
fastened on me, as if I were suspected of stealing 
that which, in the order of nature, was likely to be 
my own without the necessity of crime. 

" There must be a secret repository of papers 
somewhere," said Sir Joseph Job, as if he sus- 


pected more than he wished just then to express 
" Mr. Goldencalf is largely a creditor on the pub 
lic books, and yet here is not so much as scrip for 
a pound !" 

I left the room, and soon returned, bringing with 
me the bundle that had been committed to me by 
my father. 

" Here, gentlemen," I said, " is a large packet of 
papers that were given to me by the deceased, on 
his death-bed, with his own hands. It is, as you 
see, sealed with his seal, and especially addressed 
to me, in his own hand-writing, and it is not vio 
lent to suppose that the contents concern me only. 
Still, as you take so great an interest in the affairs 
of the deceased, it shall now be opened, and those 
contents, so far as you can have any right to know 
them, shall not be hid from you." 

I thought Sir Joseph looked grave when he saw 
the packet, and had examined the hand-writing of 
the envelope. All, however, expressed their satis 
faction that the search was ,now most probably 
ended. I broke the seals, and exposed the contents 
of the envelope. Within it, there were several smaller 
packets, each sealed with the seal of the deceased, 
and each addressed to me, in his own hand-writing, 
like the external covering. Each of these smaller 
packets, too, had a separate endorsement of its con 
tents. Taking them as they lay, I read aloud the 
nature of each, before I proceeded to the next. 
They were also numbered. 

" No. 1." I commenced " Certificates of pub 
lic stock held by Tho: Goldencalf, June 12th, 1815." 
We were now at June 29th, of the same year. As 
I laid aside this packet, I observed that the sum 
endorsed on its back greatly exceeded a million. 
" No. 2. Certificates of Bank of England stock." 
This sum was several hundred thousands of pounds. 


" No. 3. South Sea Annuities." Nearly three hun 
dred thousand pounds. " No. 4. Bonds and mort 
gages." Four hundred and thirty thousand pounds. 
" No. 5. The Bond of Sir Joseph Job, for sixty- 
three thousand pounds." 

I laid down the paper, and involuntarily exclaim 
ed, " Property is in danger !" Sir Joseph turned 
pale, but he beckoned to me to proceed, saying, 
" We shall soon come to the will, sir." 

" No. 6. " I hesitated ; for it was an assign 
ment to myself, which, from its very nature, I per 
ceived was an abortive attempt to escape the pay 
ment of the legacy duty. 

"Well, sir, No. 6.?" inquired Sir Joseph, with 
tremulous exultation. 

"Is an instrument affecting myself, and with 
which you have no concern, sir." 

" We shall see, sir we shall see, sir if you re 
fuse to exhibit the paper, there are laws to compel 

" To do what, Sir Joseph Job ? To exhibit to 
my father's debtors, papers that are exclusively 
addressed to me, and which can affect me only ? 
But here is the paper, gentlemen, that you so much 
desire to see. No. 7. The Last Will and Testa 
ment of Tho: Goldencalf, dated June 17th, 1816.'" 
(He died June the 24th, of the same year.) 

"Ah! the precious instrument!" exclaimed Sir 
Joseph Job, eagerly extending his hand, as if ex 
pecting to receive the will. 

" This paper, as you perceive, gentlemen," I said, 
holding it up in a manner that all present might see 
it, " is especially addressed to myself, and it shall 
not quit my hands until I learn that some other has 
a better right to it." 

I confess my heart failed me as I broke the seals, 
for I had seen but little of my father, and I knew 


that he had been a man of very peculiar opinions, 
as well as habits. The will was all in his own hand 
writing, and it was very short. Summoning cou 
rage, I read it aloud, in the following words : 

" In the name of God, Amen : I, Tho: Golden- 
calf, of the parish of Bow, in the city of London, 
do publish and declare this instrument to be my 
last Will and Testament : 

" That is to say; I bequeath to my only child and 
much beloved son, John Goldencalf, all my real 
estate in the parish of Bow, and city of London, 
aforesaid, to be held in fee-simple, by him, his heirs, 
and assigns, for ever. 

" I bequeath to my said only child and much be 
loved son, John Goldencalf, all my personal proper 
ty, of every sort and description whatever, of which 
I may die possessed, including bonds and mort 
gages, public debt, bank stock, notes of hand, goods 
and chattels, and all others of my effects, to him, 
his heirs, or assigns. 

" I nominate and appoint my said much beloved 
son, John Goldencalf, to be the sole executor of 
this my last will and testament, counselling him not 
to confide in any of those who may profess to have 
been my friends ; and particularly to turn a deaf 
ear to all the pretensions and solicitations of Sir 
Joseph Job, Knight. In witness whereof," &c. &c. 

The will was duly executed, and it was witness 
ed by the nurse, his confidential clerk, and the 

" Property is in danger, Sir Joseph !" I dryly re 
marked, as I gathered together the papers, in order 
to secure them. 

" This will may be set aside, gentlemen !" cried 
the Knight, in a fury. " It contains a libel !" 

" And for whose benefit, Sir Joseph ?" I quietly 


inquired. " With or without the will, my title to 
my father's assets would seem to be equally valid." 

This was so evidently true, that the more pru 
dent retired in silence ; and even Sir Joseph, after 
a short delay, during which he appeared to be 
strangely agitated, withdrew. The next week, his 
failure was announced, in consequence of some 
extravagant risks on 'Change, and eventually I re 
ceived but three shillings and four-pence in the 
pound, for my bond of sixty-three thousand. 

When the money was paid, I could not help ex 
claiming, mentally, " Property is in danger !" 

The following morning, Sir Joseph Job balanced 
his account with the world, by cutting his throat. 


About the social-stake system, the dangers of concentration, 
and other moral and immoral curiosities. 

THE affairs of my father were almost as easy of 
settlement as those of a pauper. In twenty-four 
hours I was completely master of them, and found 
myself, if not the very richest, certainly one of the 
richest subjects of Europe. I say subjects, for 
sovereigns frequently have a way of appropriating 
the effects of others, that would render a preten 
sion to rivalry ridiculous. Debts there were none ; 
and if there had been, ready money was not want 
ing : the balance in cash in my favor at the bank 
amounted of itself to a fortune. 

The reader may now suppose that I was perfectly 
happy. Without a solitary claim on either my 
time or my estate, I was in the enjoyment of an 
income that materially exceeded the revenues of 

VOL. I. 7 


many reigning princes. I had not an expensive nor 
a vicious habit of any sort. Of houses, horses, 
hounds, packs, and menials, there were none to vex 
or perplex me. In every particular save one, I was 
completely my own master. That one was the 
near, dear, cherished sentiment that rendered Anna 
in my eyes an angel, (and truly she was little 
short of it io those of other people,) and made her 
the polar star to which every wish pointed. How 
gladly would I have paid half a million, just then, 
to be the grandson of a baronet, with precedency 
from the seventeenth century ! 

There was, however, another and a present 
cause for uneasiness, that gave me even more con 
cern than the fact that my family reached the dark 
ages with so much embarrassing facility. In wit 
nessing the dying agony of my ancestor, I had 
got a dread lesson on the vanity, the hopeless 
character, the dangers and the delusions of wealth, 
that time can never eradicate. The history of its 
accumulation was ever present to mar the pleasure 
of its possession. I do not mean that I suspected 
what, by the world's convention, is deemed dis 
honesty of that there had been no necessity but 
simply that the heartless and estranged existence, 
the waste of energies, the blunted charities, and 
the isolated and distrustful habits of rny father, 
appeared to me to be but poorly requited by the 
joyless ownership of his millions. I would have 
given largely to be directed in such a way as, 
while escaping the wastefulness of the shoals of 
Scylla, I might in my own case steer clear of the 
miserly rocks of Charybdis. 

When I drove from between the smoky lines of 
the London houses, into the green fields, and amid 
the blossoming hedges, this earth looked beautiful, 
and as if it were made to be loved. I saw in it 


the workmanship of a divine and a beneficent 
Creator, and it was not difficult to persuade my 
self that he who dwelt in the confusion of a town, 
in order to transfer gold from the pocket of his 
neighbor to his own, had mistaken the objects 
of his being. My poor ancestor, who had never 
quitted London, stood before me with his dying 
regrets; and my first resolution was, to live in 
open communion with my kind. So intense, 
indeed, did my anxiety to execute this purpose 
become, that it might have led even to frenzy, had 
not a fortunate circumstance interposed to save 
me from so dire a calamity. 

The coach in which I had taken passage, (for I 
purposely avoided the parade and trouble of a 
post-chaise and servants,) passed through a mar 
ket town of known loyalty, on the eve of a con 
tested election. This appeal to the intelligence 
and patriotism of the constituency, had occurred 
in consequence of the late incumbent having taken 
office. The new minister, for he was a member 
of the cabinet, had just ended his canvass, and he 
was about to address his fellow-subjects, from a 
window of the tavern in which he lodged. Fa 
tigued, but ready to seek mental relief by any 
means, I threw myself from the coach, secured a 
room, and made one of the multitude. 

The favorite candidate occupied a large balco 
ny, surrounded by his principal friends, among 
whom it was delightful to see Earls, Lords John, 
Baronets, dignitaries of the church, tradesmen of 
influence in the borough, and even a mechanic or 
two, all squeezed together in the agreeable amal 
gamation of political affinity. ' Here then/ thought 
I, * is an example of the heavenly charities ! The 
candidate, himself the son and heir of a peer, feels 
that he is truly of the same flesh and blood as his 


constituents ; how amiably he smiles ! how bland 
are his manners ! and with what cordiality does 
he shake hands with the greasiest and the worst ! 
There must be a corrective to human pride, a 
stimulus to the charities, a never-ending lesson of 
benevolence in this part of our excellent system, 

and I will look farther into it.' The candidate 

appeared, and his harangue commenced. 

Memory would fail me, were I to attempt re 
cording the precise language of the orator, but his 
opinions and precepts are so deeply graven on my 
recollection, that I do not fear misrepresenting 
them. He commenced with a very proper and an 
eloquent eulogium on the constitution, which he 
fearlessly pronounced to be, in its way, the very 
perfection of human reason; in proof of which 
he adduced the well-ascertained fact, that it had 
always been known, throughout the vicissitudes and 
trials of so many centuries, to accommodate itself 
to circumstances, abhorring change. " Yes, my 
friends," he exclaimed, in a burst of patriotic and 
constitutional fervor " whether under the roses, 
or the lilies the Tudors, the Stuarts, or the illus 
trious house of Brunswick, this glorious structure 
has resisted the storms of faction, has been able to 
receive under its sheltering roof the most opposite 
elements of domestic strife, affording protection, 
warmth, ay, and food and raiment" (here the ora 
tor happily laid his hand on the shoulder of a 
butcher, who wore a frieze over-coat that made 
him look not unlike a stall-fed beast) " yes, food 
and raiment, victuals and drink, to the meanest 
subject in the realm. Nor is this all ; it is a con 
stitution peculiarly English : and who is there so 
base, so vile, so untrue to himself, to his fathers, 
to his descendants, as to turn his back on a con 
stitution that is thoroughly and inherently Eng- 


lish a constitution that he has inherited from his 
ancestors, and which, by every obligation, both 
human and divine, he is bound to transmit un 
changed to posterity ;" here the orator, who con 
tinued to speak, however, was deafened by shouts 
of applause, and that part of the subject might 
very fairly be considered as definitively settled. 

From the constitution as a whole, the candidate 
next proceeded to extol the particular feature of 
itj that was known as the borough of Householder. 
According to his account of this portion of the 
government, its dwellers were animated by the 
noblest spirit of independence, the most rooted de 
termination to uphold the ministry, of which he 
was the least worthy member, and were distin 
guished by what, in an ecstasy of political elo 
quence, he happily termed the most freeborn 
understanding of its rights and privileges. This 
loyal and judicious borough had never been known 
to waste its favors on those who had not a stake 
in the community. It understood that fundamental 
principle of good government, which lays down 
the axiom, that none were to be trusted but those 
who had a visible and an extended interest in the 
country ; for without these pledges of honesty and 
independence, what had the elector to expect but 
bribery and corruption a traffic in his dearest 
rights, and a bargaining that might destroy the 
glorious institutions under which he dwelt. This 
part of the harangue was listened to in respectful 
silence, and shortly after the orator concluded ; 
when the electors dispersed with, no doubt, a bet 
ter opinion of themselves and the constitution, 
than it had probably been their good fortune to 
entertain since the previous election. 

Accident placed me, at dinner, (the house being 
crowded,) at the same table with an attorney who 


had been very active the whole morning, among 
the householders, and who, I soon learned from 
himself, was the especial agent of the owner of 
the independent borough in question. He told me 
that he had come down with the expectation of 
disposing of the whole property to Lord Pledge, 
the ministerial candidate named ; but the means 
had not been forthcoming, as he had been led to 
hope, and the bargain was unluckily off, at the 
very moment when it was of the utmost import 
ance to know to whom the independent electors 
rightfully belonged. 

" His Lordship, however," continued the attor 
ney, winking, " has done what is handsome ; and 
there can be no more doubt of his election, than 
there would be of yours, did you happen to own 
the borough." 

" And is the property now open for sale 1" I 

" Certainly my principal can hold out no long 
er. The price is settled, and I have his power oi 
attorney to make the preliminary bargain. Tis 
a thousand pities that the public mind should be 
left in this undecided state on the eve of an elec 

" Then, sir, I will be the purchaser." 

My companion looked at me with astonishment 
and doubt. He had transacted too much business 
of this nature, however, not to feel his way be 
fore he was either off or on. 

" The price of the estate is three hundred and 
twenty-five thousand pounds, sir, and the rental 
is only six !" 

" Be it so. My name is Goldencalf : by accom 
panying me to town, you shall receive the money." 

" Goldencalf !- What, sir, the only son and heir 
of the late Thomas Goldencalf, of Cheapside?" 


"The same. My father has not been dead a 

" Pardon me, sir convince me of your identity 
we must be particular in matters of this sort 
and you shall have possession of the property in 
season to secure your own election, or that of any 
of your friends. I will return Lord Pledge his 
small advances, and another time he will know 
better than to fail of keeping his promises. What 
is a borough good for, if a nobleman's word is not 
sacred ? You will find the electors, in particular, 
every way worthy of your favor. They are as 
frank, loyal, and straight-forward a constituency, 
as any in England. No skulking behind the ballot 
for them ! and, in all respects, they are fearless 
Englishmen, who will do what they say, and say 
whatever their landlord shall please to require of 

As I had sundry letters and other documents 
about me, nothing was easier than to convince the 
attorney of my identity. He called for pen and 
ink ; drew out of his pocket the contract that had 
been prepared for Lord Pledge ; gave it to me to 
read ; filled the blanks ; and affixing his name, call 
ed the waiters as witnesses, and presented me the 
paper with a promptitude and respect that I found 
really delightful. So much, thought I, for having 
given pledges to society by the purchase of a bo 
rough. I drew on my bankers for three hundred 
and twenty-five thousand pounds, and arose from 
table, virtually, the owner of the estate of House 
holder, and of the political consciences of its ten 

A fact so important could not long be unknown ; 
and in a few minutes all eyes in the coffee-room 
were upon me. The landlord presented himself, 
and begged I would do him the honor to take pos- 


session of his family parlour, there being no other 
at his disposal. I was hardly installed, before a 
servant in a handsome livery presented the follow 
ing note : 


I have this moment heard of your being in town, and 
am exceedingly rejoiced to learn it. A long intimacy with 
your late excellent and most loyal father, justifies my claim 
ing you for a friend, and I waive all ceremony, (official, of 
course, is meant, there being no reason for any other be 
tween us,) and beg to be admitted for half an hour. 

Dear Mr. Goldencalf, 
Your's, very faithfully and sincerely, 



Monday evening. 

I begged that the noble visiter might not be made 
to wait a moment. Lord Pledge met me like an 
old and an intimate friend. He made a hundred 
handsome inquiries after my dead ancestor ; spoke 
feelingly of his regret at not having been summon 
ed to attend his death-bed ; and then very ingenu 
ously and warmly congratulated me on my succes 
sion to so large a property. 

" I hear, too, you have bought this borough, my 
dear sir. I could not make it convenient, just at 
this particular moment, to conclude my own ar 
rangement, but it is a good thing. Three hun 
dred and twenty thousand, I suppose, as was men 
tioned between me and the other party?" 

" Three hundred and twenty-jive thousand, Lord 

I perceived by the countenance of the noble can 
didate, that I had paid the odd five thousand as a 
fine, a circumstance which accounted for the 


promptitude of the attorney in the transaction, he 
most probably pocketing the difference himself. 

" You mean to sit, of course ?" 

" I do, my Lord, as one of the members, at the 
next general election; but at present, I shall be 
most happy to aid your return." 

" My dear Mr. Goldencalf " 

" Really, without presuming to compliment, Lord 
Pledge, the noble sentiments I heard you express 
this morning, were so very proper, so exceedingly 
statesmanlike, so truly English, that I shall feel in 
finitely more satisfaction in knowing that you fill 
the vacant seat, than if it were in my own posses 

" I honor your public spirit, Mr. Goldencalf, and 
only wish to God, there was more of it in the world. 
But you can count on our friendship, sir. What 
you have just remarked, is true very true only 
too true true to a hair a-a a I mean, my dear 
Mr. Goldencalf, most especially those sentiments 
of mine which a-a-a I say it, before God, with 
out vanity but which, as you have so very ably 
intimated, are so truly proper and English." 

" I sincerely think so, Lord Pledge, or I should 
not have said it. I am peculiarly situated, myself. 
With an immense fortune, without rank, name, or 
connexions, nothing is easier than for one of my 
years to be led astray ; and it is my ardent desire 
to hit upon some expedient that may connect me 
properly with society." 

" Marry, my dear young friend select a wife 
from among the fair and virtuous of this happy 
isle unluckily I can propose nothing in this way 
myself for both my own sisters are disposed of." 

" I have made my choice, already, I thank you 
a thousand times, my dear Lord Pledge ; although 
I scarcely dare execute my own wishes. There 


are objections, if I were only the child, now, of a 
baronet's second son, or " 

" Become a baronet yourself," once more inter 
rupted my noble friend, with an evident relief from 
suspense ; for I verily believe he thought I was 
about to ask for something better. " Your affair 
shall be arranged by the end of the week and if 
there is any thing else I can do for you, I beg you 
to name it without reserve." 

" If I could hear a few more of those remarka 
ble sentiments of yours, concerning the stake we 
should all have in society, I think it would relieve 
my mind." 

My companion looked at me a moment, with a 
very awkward sort of intensity, drew his hand 
across his brows, reflected, and then obligingly 

" You attach too much importance, Mr. Golden- 
calf, to a few certainly very just, but very ill-ar 
ranged ideas. That a man, without a proper stake 
in society, is little better than the beast of the fields, 
I hold to be so obvious, that it is unnecessary to 
dwell on the point. Reason as you will, forward 
or backward, you arrive at the same result, he 
that hath nothing, is usually treated by mankind 
little better than a dog, and he that is little better 
than a dog, usually has nothing. Again, What 
distinguishes the savage from the civilized man ? 
why, civilization, to be sure. Now, what is civil 
ization ? the arts of life. What feeds, nourishes, 
sustains the arts of life ? money, or property. By 
consequence, civilization is property, and property 
is civilization. If the control of a country is in the 
hands of those who possess the property, the go 
vernment is a civilized government ; but, on the 
other hand, if it is in the hands of those who have 
no property, the government is necessarily an un- 


civilized government. It is quite impossible that 
any one should become a safe statesman, who does 
not possess a direct property interest in society. 
You know there is not a tyro of our political sect 
who does not fully admit the truth of this axiom." 

"Mr. Pitt?' 

" Why, Pitt was certainly an exception, in one 
way ; but then, you will recollect, he was the im 
mediate representative of the tories, who own most 
of the property of England." 

"Mr. Fox?" 

" Fox represented the whigs, who own all the 
rest, you know. No, my dear Goldencalf, reason 
as you will, we shall always arrive at the same 
results. You will, of course, as you have just said, 
take one of the seats yourself, at the next general 
election ?" 

" I shall be too proud of being your colleague, to 

This speech sealed our friendship ; for it was a 
pledge to my noble acquaintance of his future con 
nexion with the borough. He was much too high 
bred to express his thanks in vulgar phrases, (though 
high-breeding rarely exhibits all its finer qualities 
pending an election,) but, a man of the world, and 
one of a class whose main business it is to put the 
suaviter in modo, as the French have it, en evidence, 
the reader may be sure that when we parted that 
night, I was in perfect good humor with myself, 
and, as a matter of course, with my new acquaint 

The next day the canvass was renewed, and we 
had another convincing speech on the subject of 
the virtue of " a stake in society ;" for Lord Pledge 
was tactician enough to attack the citadel, once 
assured of its weak point, rather than expend his 
efforts on the out-works of the place. That night 


the attorney arrived from town with the title-deeds, 
all properly executed, (they had been some time 
in preparation for Lord Pledge,) and the following 
morning early, the tenants were served with the 
usual notices, with a handsomely expressed senti 
ment, on my part, in favor of "a stake in society." 
About noon, Lord Pledge walked over the course, 
as it is expressed at New-Market and Doncaster. 
After dinner we separated, my noble friend return 
ing to town, while I pursued my way to the Rec 

Anna never appeared more fresh, more serene, 
more elevated above mortality, than when we met, 
a week after I had quitted Householder, in the 
breakfast-parlor of her father's abode. 

" You are beginning to look like yourself again, 
Jack," she said, extending her hand, with the sim 
ple cordiality of an Englishwoman ; " and I hope 
we shall find you more rational." 

" Ah, Anna, if I could only presume to throw 
myself at your feet, and to tell you how much and 
what I feel, I should be the happiest fellow in all 

"As it is, you are the most miserable !" the 
laughing girl answered, as, crimsoned to the tem 
ples, she drew away the hand I was foolishly 
pressing against my heart. " Let us go to break 
fast, Mr. Goldencalf my father has ridden across 
the country to visit Dr. Liturgy." 

" Anna," I said, after seating myself, and taking 
a cup of tea from fingers that were rosy as the 
morn, " I fear you are the greatest enemy that I 
have on earth." 

"John Goldencalf!" exclaimed the startled girl, 
turning pale, and then flushing violently. " Pray, 
explain yourself." 

" I love you to my heart's core could marry 


you, and then, I fear, worship you, as man never 
before worshipped woman." 

Anna laughed faintly. 

" And you feel in danger of the sin of idolatry?" 
she at length succeeded in saying. 

" No, I am in danger of narrowing my sympa 
thies of losing a broad and safe hold of life of 
losing my proper stake in society of in short, 
of becoming as useless to my fellows as my poor, 
poor father, and of making an end as miserable ! 
Oh! Anna, could you have witnessed the hopeless 
ness of that death-bed, you could never wish me 
a fate like his !" 

My pen is unequal to convey an adequate idea 
of the expression with which Anna regarded me. 
Wonder, doubt, apprehension, affection, and an 
guish, were all beaming in her eyes; but the 
unnatural brightness of these conflicting senti 
ments was tempered by a softness that resembled 
the pearly lustre of an Italian sky. 

" If I yield to my fondness, Anna, in what will 
my condition differ from that of my miserable 
father's? He concentrated his feelings in the love 
of money, and I yes, I feel it here, I know it is 
here I should love you so intensely, as to shut out 
every generous sentiment in favor of others. I 
have a fearful responsibility on my shoulders, 
wealth gold; gold, beyond limits; and to save 
my very soul, I must extend, not narrow, my interest 
in my fellow-creatures. Were there a hundred 
such Annas, I might press you all to my heart, 
but, one! no no 'twould be misery 'twould be 
perdition! The very excess of such a passion 
would render me a heartless miser, unworthy of 
the confidence of my fellow-men !" 

The radiant and yet serene eyes of Anna seemed 
to read my soul ; and when I had done speaking, 

VOL. I. 8 


she arose, stole timidly to my side of the table, as 
woman approaches when she feels most, placed 
her velvet-like hand on my burning forehead, 
pressed its throbbing pulses gently to her heart, 
burst into tears, and fled. 

We dined alone, nor did we meet again until 
the dinner hour. The manner of Anna was sooth 
ing, gentle, even affectionate; but she carefully 
avoided the subject of the morning. As for myself, 
I was constantly brooding over the danger of con 
centrating interests, and of the excellence of the 
social-stake system. 

*' Your spirits will be better, Jack, in a day or 
two," said Anna, when we had taken wine after 
the soup. " Country air, and old friends, will re 
store your freshness and color." 

" If there were a thousand Annas, I could be 
happy, as man was never happy, before ! But I 
must not, dare not, lessen my hold on society." 

" All of which proves my insufficiency to render 
you happy. But here comes Francis, with yester 
day morning's paper let us see what society is 
about, in London." 

After a few moments of intense occupation with 
the journal, an exclamation of pleasure and sur 
prise escaped the sweet girl. On raising my eyes, 
J saw her gazing (as I fancied) fondly at myself. 

" Read what you have, that seems to give you 
so much pleasure." 

She complied, reading with an eager and tre 
mulous voice the following paragraph : 

" His Majesty has been most graciously pleased 
to raise John Goldencalf, of Householder Hall, in 
the county of Dorset, and of Cheapside, Esquire, 
to the dignity of a Baronet of the United King 
doms of Great Britain and Ireland." 


" Sir John Goldencalf, I have the honor to drink 
to your health and happiness !" cried the delighted 
girl, brightening like the dawn, and wetting her 
pouting lip with liquor less ruby than itself. " Here, 
Francis, fill a bumper, and drink to the new 

The gray-headed butler did as ordered, with a 
very good grace, and then hurried into the ser 
vants' hall, to communicate the news. 

" Here at least, Jack, is a new hold that society 
has on you, whatever hold you may have on 

I was pleased, because she was pleased, and 
because it showed that Lord Pledge had some 
sense of gratitude, (although he afterwards took 
occasion to intimate that I owed the favor chiefly 
to hope,) and I believe my eyes never expressed 
more fondness. 

"Lady Goldencalf would not have an awkward 
sound, after all, dearest Anna." 

" As applied to one, Sir John, it might possibly 
do ; but not as applied to a hundred." Anna 
laughed, blushed, burst into tears once more, and 
again fled. 

" What right have I to trifle with the feelings 
of this single-hearted and excellent girl," said I to 
myself; " it is evident that the subject distresses 
her she is unequal to its discussion, and it is 
unmanly and improper in me to treat it in this 
manner. I must be true to my character as a 
gentleman and a man ay, and, under present 
circumstances, as a baronet; and I will never 
speak of it again as long as I live." 

The following day I took leave of Dr. Ethering- 
ton and his daughter, with the avowed intention 
of travelling for a year or two. The good rector 


gave me much friendly advice, flattered me with 
expressions of confidence in my discretion, and, 
squeezing me warmly by the hand, begged me to 
recollect that I had always a home at the rectory. 
When I had made my adieus to the father, I went, 
with a sorrowful heart, in quest of the daughter. 
She was still in the little breakfast parlor that 
parlor so loved ! I found her pale, timid, sensitive, 
bland, but serene. Little could ever disturb that 
heavenly quality in the dear girl ; if she laughed, it 
was with a restrained and moderated joy ; if she 
wept, it was like rain falling from a sky that still 
shone with the lustre of the sun. It was only 
when feeling and nature were unutterably big 
within her, that some irresistible impulse of her 
sex betrayed her into emotions like those I had 
twice witnessed so lately. 

" You are about to leave us, Jack," she said, 
holding out her hand kindly, and without the affect 
ation of an indifference she did not feel " you 
will see many strange faces, but you will see none 
who " 

I waited for the completion of the sentence, but, 
although she struggled hard for self-possession, it 
was never finished. 

"At my age, Anna, and with my means, it 
would be unbecoming to remain at home, when, 
if I may so express it, * human nature is abroad.' 
I go to quicken my sympathies, to open my heart 
to my kind, and to avoid the cruel regrets that 
tortured the death-bed of my father." 

"Well well" interrupted the sobbing girl, 
" we will talk of it no more. It is best that you 
should travel; and so adieu, with a thousand nay, 
millions of good wishes for your happiness and 
safe return. You will come back to us, Jack, 
when tired of other scenes ?" 


This was said with gentle earnestness, and a 
sincerity so winning, that it came near upsetting 
all my philosophy; but I could not marry the 
whole sex, and to bind down my affections in one, 
would have been giving the death-blow to the de 
velopment of that sublime principle on which I was 
bent, and which I had already decided was to 
make me worthy of my fortune, and the ornament 
of my species. Had I been offered a kingdom, 
however, I could not speak. I took the unresisting 
girl in my arms, folded her to my heart, pressed a 
burning kiss on her cheek, and withdrew. 

" You will come back to us, Jack ?" she half 
whispered, as her hand was reluctantly drawn 
through my own. 

Oh! Anna, it was indeed painful to abandon thy 
frank and gentle confidence, thy radiant beauty, 
thy serene affections, and all thy womanly virtues, 
in order to practise my newly discovered theory ! 
Long did thy presence haunt me nay, never did 
it entirely desert me putting my constancy to a 
severe proof, and threatening, at each remove, to 
contract the lengthening chain that still bound me 
to thee, thy fire-side, and thy altars ! But I tri 
umphed, and went abroad upon the earth, with a 
heart expanding towards all the creatures of God, 
though thy image was still enshrined in its inmost 
core, shining in womanly glory, pure, radiant, and 
without spot, like the floating prism that forms 
the lustre of the diamond. 



A theory of palpable sublimity- some practical ideas, and 
the commencement of adventures. 

THE recollection of the intense feelings of that 
important period of my life has, in some measure, 
disturbed the connexion of the narrative, and may 
possibly have left some little obscurity, in the mind 
of the reader, on the subject of the new sources 
of happiness that had broken on my own intelli 
gence. A word here, in the way of elucidation, 
therefore, may not be misapplied, although it is my 
purpose to refer more to my acts, and to the won 
derful incidents it will shortly be my duty to lay 
before the world, for a just understanding of my 
views, than to mere verbal explanations. 

Happiness happiness, here and hereafter, was 
my goal. I aimed at a life of useful and active 
benevolence, a death-bed of hope and joy, and an 
eternity of fruition. With such an object before 
me, my thoughts, from the moment that I wit 
nessed the dying regrets of my father, had been 
intensely brooding over the means- of attainment. 
Surprising as, no doubt, it will appear to vulgar 
minds, I obtained the clue to this sublime mystery, 
at the late election for the borough of Householde*r, 
and from the lips of my Lord Pledge. Like other 
important discoveries, it is very simple when 
understood, being easily rendered intelligible to 
the dullest capacities, as, indeed, in equity, ought 
to be the case with every principle that is so inti 
mately connected with the well-being of man. 

It is an universally admitted truth, that happiness 
is the only legitimate object of all human associa 
tions. The ruled concede a certain portion of 
their natural rights for the benefits of peace, secu- 


rity and order, with the understanding that they 
are to enjoy the remainder as their own proper 
indefeasible estate. It is true, that there exist, in 
different nations, some material differences of 
opinion on the subject of the quantities to be be 
stowed and retained ; but these aberrations from a 
just medium are no more than so many caprices 
of the human judgment, and in no manner do 
they affect the principle. I found also, that all the 
wisest and best of the species, or, what is much 
the same thing, the most responsible, uniformly 
maintain that he who has the largest stake in so 
ciety, is, in the nature of things, the most qualified 
to administer its affairs. By a stake in society is 
meant, agreeably to universal convention, a multi 
plication of those interests which occupy us in our 
daily concerns or what is vulgarly called, pro 
perty. This principle works by exciting us to do 
right, through those heavy investments of our own 
which would inevitably suffer were we to do wrong. 
The proposition is now clear, nor can the premises 
readily be mistaken. Happiness is the aim of 
society ; and property, or a vested interest in that 
society, is the best pledge of our disinterested 
ness and justice, and the best qualification for its 
proper control. It follows as a legitimate corol 
lary, that a multiplication of those interests will 
increase the stake, and render us more and more 
worthy of the trust, by elevating us, as near as 
may be, to the pure and ethereal condition of the 
angels. One of those happy accidents which 
sometimes make men emperors and kings, had 
made me, perhaps, the richest subject of Europe. 
With this polar star of theory shining before my 
eyes, and with practical means so ample, it would 
have been clearly my own fault, had I not steered 
my bark into the right haven. If he who had the 
heaviest investments was the most likely to love his 


fellows, there could be no great difficulty for one in 
my situation to take the lead in philanthropy* It is 
true that, with superficial observers, the instance 
of my own immediate ancestor might be supposed 
to form an exception, or rather an objection, to 
the theory. So far from this being the case, how 
ever, it proves the very reverse. My father, in a 
great measure, had concentrated all his invest 
ments in the national debt. Now, beyond all cavil, 
he loved the funds intensely ; grew violent when 
they were assailed; cried out for bayonets when 
the mass declaimed against taxation ; eulogized the 
gallows, when there were menaces of revolt, and, 
in a hundred other ways, proved that " where the 
treasure is, there will the heart be also." The 
instance of my father, therefore, like all excep 
tions, only went to prove the excellence of the 
rule. He had merely fallen into the error of con 
traction, when the only safe course was that of 
expansion. I resolved to expand; to do that 
which, probably, no political economist had ever 
yet thought of doing in short, to carry out the 
principle of the social stake in such a way, as 
should cause me to love all things, and conse 
quently to become worthy of being intrusted with 
the care of all things. 

On reaching town, my earliest visit was one of 
thanks to my Lord Pledge. At first, I had felt 
some doubts whether the baronetcy would, or 
w r ould not, aid the system of philanthropy; for, by 
raising me above a large portion of my kind, it 
was, in so much at least, a removal from philan- 
thropical sympathies ; but, by the time the patent 
was received, and the fees were paid, I found that 
it might fairly be considered a pecuniary invest 
ment, and that it was consequently brought within 
the rule I had prescribed for my own government. 


The next thing was to employ suitable agents 
to aid in making the purchases that were ne 
cessary to attach me to mankind. A month was 
diligently occupied in this way. As ready money 
was not wanting, and I was not very particular 
on the subject of prices, at the end of that time, I 
began to have certain incipient sentiments which 
went to prove the triumphant success of the expe 
riment. In other words, I owned much, and was 
beginning to take a lively interest in all I owned. 

I made purchases of estates in England, Scot 
land, Ireland and Wales. This division of real 
property was meant to equalize my sentiments 
justly, between the different portions of my native 
country. Not satisfied with this, however, I ex 
tended the system to the colonies. I had East 
India shares, a running ship, Canada land, a plant 
ation in Jamaica, sheep at the Cape and at New 
South Wales, an indigo concern at Bengal, an 
establishment for the collection of antiques in the 
Ionian Isles, and a connexion with a shipping house, 
for the general supply of our various dependencies 
with beer, bacon, cheese, broadcloths and iron 
mongery. From the British Empire, rny interests 
were soon extended into other countries. On the 
Garonne, and at Xeres, I bought vineyards. In 
Germany I took some shares in different salt and 
coal-mines; the same in South America, in the 
precious metals ; in Russia, I dipped deeply into 
tallow; in Switzerland, I set up an extensive manu- 
factury of watches, and bought all the horses 
for a voiturier on a large scale. I had silk-worms 
in Lombardy, olives and hats in Tuscany, a bath 
in Lucca, and a maccaroni establishment at Na 
ples. To Sicily I sent funds for the purchase of 
wheat, and at Rome I kept a connoisseur to con 
duct a general agency in the supply of British 


articles; such as mustard, porter, pickles, and 
corned beef; as well as for the forwarding of pic 
tures and statues to the lovers of the arts and of virtu. 

By the time all this was effected, I found my 
hands full of business. Method, suitable agents, 
and a resolution to succeed, smoothed the way, 
however, and I began to look about me and to take 
breath. By way of relaxation, I now descended 
into details ; and, for a few days, I frequented the 
meetings of those who are called "the Saints," 
in order to see if something might not be done to 
wards the attainment of my object, through their 
instrumentality. I cannot say that this experiment 
met with all the success I had anticipated. I heard 
a great deal of subtle discussion, found that manner 
was of more account than matter, and had unrea 
sonable and ceaseless appeals to my pocket. So 
near a view of charity had a tendency to expose 
its blemishes, as the brilliancy of the sun is known 
to exhibit defects on the face of beauty, which escape 
the eye when seen through the medium of that artifi 
cial light for which they are best adapted ; and I 
soon contented myself with sending my contributions, 
at proper intervals, keeping aloof in person. This 
experiment gave me occasion to perceive, that 
human virtues, like little candles, shine best in the 
dark, and that their radiance is chiefly owing to 
the atmosphere of a "naughty world." From 
speculating I returned to facts. 

The question of slavery had agitated the benevo 
lent for some years, and finding a singular apathy 
in my own bosom on this important subject, *I 
bought five hundred of each sex, to stimulate my 
sympathies. This led me nearer to the United 
States of America, a country that I had endeavor 
ed to blot out of my recollection ; for, while thus 
encouraging a love for the species, I had scarcely 


thought it necessary to go so far from home. As no 
rule exists without an exception, I confess I was a 
good deal disposed to believe that a Yankee might 
very fairly be an omission in an Englishman's phi 
lanthropy. But, " in for a penny, in for a pound." 
The negroes led me to the banks of the Mississippi, 
where I was soon the owner of both a sugar and 
a cotton-plantation. In addition to these purchases, 
I took shares in divers South-Sea-men, owned a 
coral and pearl-fishery of my own, and sent an agent 
with a proposition to King Tamamamaah to create 
a monopoly of sandal- wood, in our joint behalf. 

The earth and all it contained assumed new glo 
ries in my eyes. I had fulfilled the essential condi 
tion of the political economists, the jurists, the con 
stitution-mongers, and all the "talents and decency," 
and had stakes in half the societies of the world. I 
was fit to govern, I was fit to advise, to dictate to 
most of the people of Christendom ; for I had taken 
a direct interest in their welfares, by making them 
my own. Twenty times was I about to jump into 
a post-chaise, and to gallop down to the rectory, in 
order to lay my new-born alliance with the species, 
and all its attendant felicity, at the feet of Anna, 
but the terrible thought of monogamy, and of its 
sympathy-withering consequences, as often stayed 
my course. I wrote to her, weekly, however, 
making her the participator of a portion of my 
happiness, though I never had the satisfaction of 
receiving a single line in reply. 

Fairly emancipated from selfishness, and pledged 
to the species, I now quitted England on a tour of 
philanthropical inspection. I shall not weary the 
reader with an account of my journeys over the 
beaten tracks of the continent, but transport him 
and myself at once to Paris, in which city I arrived 
on the 17th of May, Anno Domini 1819. I had 


seen much, fancied myself improved, and, by con 
stant dwelling on my* system, saw its excellencies 
as plainly as Napoleon saw the celebrated star 
which defied the duller vision of his uncle, the 
Cardinal. At the same time, as usually happens 
with those who direct all their energies to a given 
point, the opinions originally formed of certain por 
tions of my theory, began to undergo mutation?, as 
nearer and more practical views pointed out incon 
sistencies and exposed defects. As regards Am.;i, 
in particular, the quiet, gentle, unobtrusive, and yet 
distinct picture of womanly loveliness, that was 
rarely absent from my mind, had, for the past 
twelve-month, haunted me with a constancy of ar 
gument that might have unsettled the Newtonian 
scheme of philosophy itself. I already more than 
questioned whether the benefit to be derived from 
the support of one so affectionate and true, would 
not fully counterbalance the disadvantage of a con 
centration of interest, so far as the sex was con 
cerned. This growing opinion was fast getting to 
be conviction, when I encountered on the boule 
vards, one day, an old country neighbor of the rec 
tor's, who gave me the best account of the family, 
adding, after descanting on the beauty and excel 
lence of Anna herself, that the dear girl had, quite 
lately, actually refused a peer of the realm, who 
enjoyed all the acknowledged advantages of youth, 
riches, birth, rank and a good name, and who had 
selected her, from a deep conviction of her worth, 
and of her ability to make any sensible man happy. 
As to my own power over the heart of Anna, I 
never entertained a doubt. She had betrayed it in 
a thousand ways, and on a hundred occasions ; nor 
had I been at all backward in letting her under 
stand how highly I valued her dear self, although 
I had never yet screwed up my resolution so high, 


as distinctly to propose for her hand. But all my 
unsettled purposes became concentrated on hearing 
this welcome intelligence; and, taking an abrupt 
leave of my old acquaintance, I hurried home and 
wrote the following letter : 

Dear very dear, nay dearest ANNA : 

I met your old neighbor , this morning, on the 

boulevards, and during an interview of an hour we did little 
else but talk of thee. Although it has been my most ardent 
and most predominant wish to open my heart to the whole 
species, yet, Anna, I fear I have loved thee alone ! Absence, 
so far from expanding, appears to contract my affections, too 
many of which centre in thy sweet form and excellent vir 
tues. The remedy I proposed is insufficient, and I begin to 
think that matrimony alone can leave me master of sufficient 
freedom of thought and action, to turn the attention I ought 
to the rest of the human race. Thou hast been with me in 
idea, in the four corners of the earth, by sea and by land, 
in dangers and in safety, in all seasons, regions and situa 
tions, and there is no sufficient reason why those who are 
ever present in the spirit, should be materially separated. 
Thou hast only to say a word, to whisper a hope, to breathe 
a wish, and I will throw myself, a repentant truant, at thy 
feet, and implore thy pity. When united, however, we will 
not lose ourselves in the sordid and narrow paths of self 
ishness, but come forth again, in company, to acquire a new 
and still more powerful hold on this beautiful creation, of 
which, by this act, I acknowledge thee to be the most divine 

Dearest, dearest Anna, thine and the species', 
For ever, 


If there was ever a happy fellow on earth, it was 
myself, when this letter was written, sealed, and 
VOL. I. 9 


fairly dispatched. The die was cast ; and I walked 
into the air, a regenerated and an elastic being; Let 
what might happen, I was sure of Anna. Her gen 
tleness would calm my irritability; her prudence 
temper my energies ; her bland but enduring affec 
tions soothe my soul. I felt at peace with all around 
me, myself included, and I found a sweet assurance 
of the wisdom of the step I had just taken in the 
expanding sentiment. If such were my sensations 
now that every thought centered in Anna, what 
would they not become when these personal trans 
ports were cooled by habit, and nature was left to 
the action of the ordinary impulses ! I began to 
doubt of the infallibility of that part of my system 
which had given me so much pain, and to incline to 
the new doctrine, that by concentration on particu 
lar parts, we come most to love the whole. On 
examination, there was reason to question whether 
it was not on this principle even, that, as an espe 
cial landholder, I attained so great an interest in 
my native island ; for, while I did not certainly own 
the whole of Great Britain, I felt that I had a pro 
found respect for every thing in it, that was in any, 
even the most remote manner, connected with my 
own particular possessions. 

A week flew by in delightful anticipations. The 
happiness of this short but heavenly period became 
so exciting, so exquisite, that I was on the point of 
giving birth to an improvement on my theory, (or 
rather on the theory of the political economists and 
constitution-mongers, for it is in fact theirs, and 
not mine,) when the answer of Anna was received. 
If anticipation be a state of so much happiness, 
happiness being the great pursuit of man, why not 
invent a purely probationary condition of society 1 
why not change its elementary features from 
positive to anticipating interests, which would give 


more zest to life, and bestow felicity unimpaired 
by the dross of realities ? I had determined to carry 
out this principle in practice, by an experiment, and 
left the hotel to order an agent to advertise, and to 
enter into a treaty or two, for some new invest 
ments, (without the smallest intention of bringing 
them to a conclusion,) when the porter delivered 
me the ardently expected letter. I never knew 
what would be the effect of taking a stake in so 
ciety by anticipation, therefore; the contents of 
Anna's missive driving every subject that was not 
immediately connected with the dear writer, and 
with sad realities, completely out of my head. It 
is not improbable, however, that the new theory 
would have proved to be faulty, for I have often had 
occasion to remark that heirs (in remainder, for 
instance,) manifest a hostility to the estate, by car 
rying out the principle of anticipation, rather than 
any of that prudent respect for social consequences, 
to which the legislator looks with so much anxiety. 
The letter of Anna was in the following words : , 

Good nay, Dear JOHN, 

Thy letter was put into my hands yesterday. This is 
the fifth answer I have commenced, and you will therefore 
see that I do not write without reflection. I know thy ex 
cellent heart, John, better than it is known to thyself. It has 
either led thee to the discovery of a secret of the last im 
portance to thy fellow-creatures, or it has led thee cruelly 
astray. An experiment so noble and so praiseworthy, ought 
not to be abandoned, on account of a few momentary misgiv 
ings concerning the result. Do not stay thy eagle flight, 
at the instant thou art soaring so near the sun! Should 
we both judge it for our mutual happiness, I can become thy 
wife at a future day. We are still young, and there is no 
urgency for an immediate union. In the mean time, I will 
endeavor to prepare myself to be the companion of a philan- 


thropist, by practising on thy theory, and, by expanding my 
own affections, render myself worthy to be the wife of one 
who has so large a stake in society, and who loves so many 
and so truly. 

Thine imitator and friend, 

Without change, 


P. S. You may perceive that I am in a state of improve 
ment, for I have just refused the hand of Lord M'Dee, because 
I found I loved all his neighbors, quite as well as I loved the 
young peer himself. 

Ten thousand furies took possession of my soul, 
in the shape of so many demons of jealousy. Anna 
expanding her affections ! Anna taking any other 
stake in society than that I made sure she would 
accept through me! Anna teaching herself to 
love more than one, and that one myself! The 
thought was madness. I did not believe in the 
sincerity of her refusal of Lord M'Dee. I ran for 
a copy of the Peerage, (for since my own eleva 
tion in life, I regularly bought both that work and 
the Baronetage,) and turned to the page that con 
tained his name. He was a Scottish Viscount, 
who had just been created a Baron of the United 
Kingdom, and his age was precisely that of my 
own. Here was a rival to excite distrust ! By a 
singular contradiction in sentiments, the more I 
dreaded his power to injure me, the more I under 
valued his means. While I fancied Anna was 
merely playing with me, and had in secret made 
up her mind to be a peeress, I had no doubt that 
the subject of her choice was both ill-favored and 
awkward, and had cheek-bones like a Tartar. 
While reading of the great antiquity of his family, 
(which reached obscurity in the thirteenth century,) 


I set it down as established, that the first of his 
unknown predecessors was a bare-legged thief; 
and, at the very moment that I imagined Anna 
was smiling on him, and retracting her coquettish 
denial, I could have sworn that he spoke with an 
unintelligible border accent, and that he had red 

The torment of such pictures grew to be intole 
rable, and I rushed into the open air for relief. 
How long, or whither I wandered, I know not ; 
but on the morning of the following day I found 
I was seated in a guinguette, near the base of Mont- 
martre, eagerly devouring a roll, and refreshing 
myself with sour wine. When a little recovered 
from the shock of discovering myself in a situation 
so novel, (for, having no investments in guinguettes, 
I had not taken sufficient interest in these popular 
establishments ever to enter one before,) I had 
leisure to look about and survey the company. 
Some fifty Frenchmen of the laboring classes were 
drinking on every side, and talking with a vehe 
mence of gesticulation, and a clamor, that com 
pletely annihilated thought. This then, thought I, 
is a scene of popular happiness. These creatures 
are excellent fellows, enjoying themselves on 
liquor that has not paid the city-duty ; and perhaps 
I may seize upon some point that favors my sys 
tem among spirits so frank and clamorous. Doubt 
less, if any one among them is in possession of any 
important social secret, it will not fail to escape 
him here. From meditations of this philosophical 
character, I was suddenly aroused by a violent 
blow before me, accompanied with an exclama 
tion, in very tolerable English, of the word 


On the centre of the board which did the office 
of a table, and directly beneath my eyes, lay a 


clenched fist of fearful dimensions, that, in color 
and protuberances, bore a good deal of resem 
blance to a freshly unearthed Jerusalem artichoke. 
Its sinews seemed to be cracking with tension, and 
the whole knob was so expressive of intense pug 
nacity, that my eyes involuntarily sought its 
owner's face. I had unconsciously taken my seat 
directly opposite a man whose stature was nearly 
double that of the compact, bustling, sputtering, 
and sturdy little fellows, who were bawling on 
every side of us, and whose skinny lips, instead 
of joining in the noise, were so firmly compressed 
as to render the crevice of the mouth no more 
strongly marked than a wrinkle in the brow of a 
man of sixty. His complexion was naturally fair, 
but exposure had tanned the skin of his face to 
the color of the crackle of a roasted pig; those 
parts which a painter would be apt to term the 
" high lights" being indicated by touches of red, 
nearly as bright as fourth-proof brandy. His eyes 
were small, stern, fiery, and very gray ; and just 
at the instant they met my admiring look, they 
resembled two stray coals, that, by some means, 
had got separated from the body of adjacent heat 
in the face. He had a prominent, well-shaped 
nose, athwart which the skin was stretched like 
leather in the process of being rubbed down on 
the currier's bench, and his ropy black hair was 
carefully smoothed over his temples and brows, in 
a way to show that he was abroad on a holiday 

When our eyes met, this singular-looking being 
gave me a nod of friendly recognition, for no better 
reason that I could discover, than the fact that I 
did not appear to be a Frenchman. 

" Did mortal man ever listen to such fools, Cap- 


tain," he observed, as if certain we must think 
alike on the subject. 

" Really I did not attend to what was said ; 
there certainly is much noise." 

"I don't pretend to understand a word of 
what they are saying, myself; but it sounds like 
thorough nonsense." 

" My ear is not yet sufficiently acute to distin 
guish sense from nonsense by mere intonation and 
sound but it would seem, sir, that you speak 
English, only." 

" Therein you are mistaken ; for, being a great 
traveller, I have been compelled to look about me, 
and as a nat'ral consequence, I speak a little of all 
languages. I do not say that I use the foreign 
parts of speech always fundamentally, but then I 
worry through an idee so as to make it legible 
and of use, especially in the way of eating and 
drinking. As to French, now, I can say ( don- 
nez-me some van,' and ' don-nez-vous some pan 1 as 
well as the best of them ; but when there are a 
dozen throats bawling at once, as is the case with 
these here chaps, why one might as well go on 
the top of Ape's Hill, and hold a conversation with 
the people he will meet with there, as to pretend 
to hold a rational or a discussional discourse. For 
my part, where there is to be a conversation, I 
like every one to have his turn, keeping up the 
talk, as it might be, watch and watch ; but among 
these Frenchmen it is pretty much as if their idees 
had been caged, and the door being suddenly 
opened, they fly out in a flock, just for the pleasure 
of saying they are at liberty." 

I now perceived that my companion was a 
reflecting being, his ratiocination being connected 
by regular links, and that he did not boost his phi 
losophy on the leaping-staff of impulse, like most 


of those who were sputtering, and arguing, and 
wrangling, with untiring lungs, in all corners of 
the guinguette. I frankly proposed, therefore, that 
we should quit the place, and walk into the road, 
where our discourse would be less disturbed, and 
consequently more satisfactory. The proposal was 
well received, and we left the brawlers, walking 
by the outer boulevards towards my hotel in the 
Rue de Rivoli, by the way of the. Champs Elyse'es. 


Touching an amphibious animal, a special introduction, and 
its consequences. 

I SOON took an interest in my new acquaintance. 
He was communicative, shrewd, and peculiar ; and 
though apt to express himself quaintly, it was 
always with the pith of one who had seen a great 
deal of, at least, one portion of his fellow-crea 
tures. The conversation, under such circum 
stances, did not flag; on the contrary, it soon 
grew more interesting by the stranger's beginning 
to touch on his private interests. He told me that 
he was a mariner, who had been cast ashore by 
one of the accidents of his calling, and, by way 
of putting in a word in his own favor, he gave me 
to understand that he had seen a great deal, more 
especially of that caste of his fellow-creatures, who, 
like himself, live by frequenting the mighty deep. 

" I am very happy," I said, "to have met with 
a stranger who can give me information touching 
an entire class of human beings, with whom I 
have, as yet, had but little communion. In order 
that we may improve the occasion to the utmost, 


I propose that we introduce ourselves to each 
other at once, and swear an eternal friendship, or, 
at least, until we may find it convenient to dis 
pense with the obligation." 

" For my part, I am one who like the friendship 
of a dog better than his enmity,*' returned my com 
panion, with a singleness of purpose that left him 
no disposition to waste his breath in idle compli 
ments. " I accept the offer, therefore, with all my 
heart ; and this the more readily, because you are 
the only one I have met, for a week, who can 
ask me how I do, without saying ' Come on, dong, 
portez-vous.' Being used to meet with squalls, how 
ever, I shall accept your offer under the last con 
dition named." 

I liked the stranger's caution. It denoted a pro 
per care of character, and furnished a proof of 
responsibility. The condition was therefore ac 
cepted on my part, as frankly as it had been urged 
on his. 

" And now, sir," I added, "when we had shaken 
each other very cordially by the hand, " may I 
presume to ask your name ?" 

" I am called Noah, and I don't care who knows 
it. I'm not ashamed of either of my names, what 
ever else I may be ashamed of." 

Noah ?" 

"Poke, at your service" he pronounced the 
word slowly and very distinctly, as if what he 
had just said of his self-confidence were true. As 
I had afterwards occasion to take his signature, 1 
shall at once give it in the proper form " Capt 
Noah Poke." 

" Of what part of England are you a native, 
Mr. Poke?" 

" I believe I may say, of the new parts." 

" I did not know that any portion of the island 


was so designated. Will you have the good-nature 
to explain yourself." 

"I'm a native of Stunin'tun, in the state of 
Connecticut, in old New England. My parents 
being dead, I was sent to sea a four-year-old, and 
here I am, walking about the kingdom of France 
without a cent in my pocket, a shipwrecked mari 
ner. Hard as my lot is, to say the truth, I'd about 

as leave starve as live by speaking their d d 


"Shipwrecked a mariner starving and a 
Yankee !" 

"All that, and maybe more, too; though, by 
your leave, commodore, we'll drop the last title. 
I'm proud enough to call myself a Yankee, but my 
back is apt to get up when I hear an Englishman 
use the word. We are yet friends, and it may be 
well enough to continue so, until some good comes 
of it, to one or the other of the parties." 

"I ask your pardon, Mr. Poke, and will not 
offend again. Have you circumnavigated the 

Capt. Poke snapped his fingers, in pure contempt 
of the simplicity of the question. 

" Has the moon ever sailed round the 'arth ! 
Look here a moment, commodore" he took from 
his pocket an apple, of which he had been munch 
ing half-a-dozen during the walk, and held it up to 
view " draw your lines which way you will on 
this sphere; crosswise, or lengthwise, up or down, 
zig-zag or parpendic'lar, and you will not find 
more traverses than I've worked about the old 

" By land, as well as by sea?" 

" Why, as to the land, I've had my share of 
that, too ; for it has been my hard fortune to run 
upon it, when a softer bed would have given a 


more quiet nap. This is just the present difficulty 
with me, for I am now tacking about among 
these Frenchmen in order to get afloat again, like 
an alligator floundering in the mud. I lost my 
schooner on the north-east coast of Russia some 
where hereabouts," pointing to the precise spot on 
the apple ; " we were up there trading in skins 
and finding no means of reaching home by the 
road I'd come, and smelling salt water down here 
away, Pve been shaping my course westward, for 
the last eighteen months, steering as near as might 
be directly athwart Europe and Asia ; and here 1 
am at last, within two days' run of Havre, which 
is, if I can get good Yankee planks beneath me 
once more, within some eighteen or twenty days' 
run of home." is 

" You allow me, then, to call the planks, Yan 

" Call 'em what you please, commodore; though 
I should prefar to call 'em the ' Debby and Dolly 
of Stunin'tun,' to any thing else, for that was the 
name of the craft I lost. Well, the test of us are 
but frail, and the longest-winded man is no dolphin 
to swim with his head under water !" 

" Pray, Mr. Poke, permit me to ask where you 
learned to speak the English language with so 
much purity ?" 

" Stunin'tun I never had a mouthful of school 
ing but what I got at home. It's all homespun. I 
make no boast of scholarship ; but as for naviga 
tion, or for finding my way about the 'arth, I'll 
turn my back on no man, unless it be to leave him 
behind. Now we have people with us, that think 
a great deal of their geometry and astronomies, 
but I hold to no such slender threads. My way is, 
when there is occasion to go anywhere, to settle 
it well in my mind as to the place, and then to 


make as straight a wake, as natur' will allow, 
taking little account of the charts, which are as apt 
to put you wrong as right ; and when they do get 
you into a scrape, it's a smasher! Depend on 
yourself and human natur', is my rule ; though I 
admit there is some accommodation in a compass, 
particularly in cold weather." 

" Cold weather ! I do not well comprehend the 

"Why, I rather conclude that one's scent gets 
to be dullish in a frost ; but this may be no more 
than a conceit, after all, for the two times I've been 
wrecked were in summer, and both the accidents 
happened by sheer dint of hard blowing, and in 
broad day-light, when nothing human, short of a 
change of wind, could have saved us." 

" And you prefer this peculiar sort of naviga 

" To all others, especially in the sealing-business, 
which is my ra'al occupation. It's the very best 
way in the world, to discover islands ; and every 
body knows that \ve sealers are always on the 
look-out for su'thin' of that sort." 

" Will you suffer me to inquire, Captain Poke, 
how many times you have doubled Cape Horn ?" 

My navigator threw a quick, jealous glance at 
me, as if he distrusted the nature of the question. 

" Why, that is neither here nor there ; perhaps I 
don't double either of the capes, perhaps I do. I get 
into the South Sea with my craft, and it's of no great 
moment how it's done. A skin is worth just as much 
in the market, though the furrier may not happen 
to have a glossary of the road it has travelled." 

" A glossary ?" 

" What matters a signification, commodore, when 
people understand each other? This over-land jour 
ney has put me to my wits, for you will understand, 


that I've had to travel among natives that cannot 
speak a syllable of the homespun ; so I brought the 
schooner's dictionary with me as a sort of terres 
trial almanac, and I fancied that, as they spoke gib 
berish to me, the best way was to give it to them 
back again, as near as might be in their own coin, 
hoping I might hit on su'thin' to their liking. By 
this means, I've come to be rather more voluble 
than formerly." 

" The idea was happy." 

" No doubt it was, as is just evinced. But, hav 
ing given you a pretty clear insight into my natur' 
and occupation, it is time that I ask a few questions 
of you. This is a business, you must know, at 
which we do a good deal at Stunm'tun, and at 
which we are commonly thought to be handy." 

" Put your questions, Capt. Poke ; I hope the an 
swers will be satisfactory." 

" Your name ?" 

" John Goldencalf by the favor of His Majesty, 
Sir John Goldencalf, Baronet." 

" * Sir John Goldencalf by the favor of His Ma 
jesty, a Baronet !' Is Baronet a calling ? or what 
sort of crittur or thing is it ?" 

" It is my rank, in the kingdom to which I be 

" I begin to understand what you mean. Among 
your nation, mankind is what we call stationed, 
like a ship's people that are called to go about ; 
you have a certain birth in that kingdom of yours, 
much as I should have in a sealing schooner." 

" Exactly so ; and I presume you will allow that 
order, and propriety, and safety, result from this 
method, among mariners ?" 

" No doubt no doubt ; we station anew, how 
ever, each v'yage, according to experience: I'm 

VOL. I. 10 


not so sure that it would do to take even the cook 
from father to son, or we might have a pretty mess 
of it" 

Here the sealer commenced a series of questions, 
which he put with a vigor and perseverance that, I 
fear, left me without a single fact of my life unre- 
vealed, except those connected with the sacred sen 
timent that bound me to Anna, and which were far 
too hallowed to escape me, even under the ordeal 
of a Stunin'tun inquisitor. In short, finding that I 
was nearly helpless in such hands, I made a merit 
of necessity, and yielded up my secrets, as wood 
in a vice discharges its moisture. It was scarcely 
possible that a mind like mine, subjected to the action 
of such a pair of moral screws, should not yield 
.some hints touching its besetting propensities. The 
Captain seized this clue, and he went at the theory 
like a bull-dog at the muzzle of an ox. 

To oblige him, therefore, I entered, at some 
length, into an explanation of my system. After 
the general remarks that were necessary to give a 
stranger an insight into its leading principles, I 
gave him to understand that I had long been look 
ing for one like him, for a purpose that shall now 
be explained to the reader. I had entertained some 
negotiations with Tamaahmaah, and had certain in 
vestments in the pearl and whale-fisheries, it is true ; 
but, on the whole, my relations with all that por 
tion of mankind who inhabit the islands of the 
Pacific, the north-west coast of America, and the 
north-east coast of the old continent, were rather 
loose, and generalty in an unsettled and vague con 
dition ; and it appeared to me that I had been singu 
larly favored, in having a man so well adapted to 
their regeneration, thrown, as it were, by Provi 
dence, and in a manner so unusual, directly in my 


way. I now frankly proposed, therefore, to fit out 
an expedition, that should be partly of trade and 
partly of discovery, in order to expand my interests 
in this new direction, and to place my new acquaint 
ance at its head. Ten minutes of earnest expla 
nation on my part, sufficed to put my companion 
in possession of the leading features of the plan. 
When I had ended this direct appeal to his love of 
enterprise, I was answered by the favorite exclama 
tion of 


" I do not wonder, Captain Poke, that your admi 
ration breaks out in this manner ; for, I believe, 
few men fairly enter into the beauty of this benevo 
lent system, who are not struck equally with its 
grandeur and its simplicity. May I count on your 
assistance ?" 

" This is a new idee, Sir Goldencalf " 

" Sir John Goldencalf, if you please, sir." 

" A new idee, Sir John Goldencalf, and it needs 
circumspection. Circumspection in a bargain, is 
the certain way to steer clear of misunderstandings. 
You wish a navigator to take your craft, let her oe 
what she will, into unknown seas, and I wish, na 
turally, to make a straight course for Stunin'tun. 
You see the bargain is in apogee, from the start." 

" Money is no consideration with me, Captain 

" Well, this is an idee that has brought many a 
more difficult contract at once into perigee, Sir 
John Goldencalf. Money is always a considerable 
consideration with me, and I may say, also, just 
now it is rather more so than usual. But when a 
gentleman clears the way as handsomely as you 
have now done, any bargain may be counted as a 
good deal more than half made." 


A few explicit explanations disposed of this part 
of the subject, and Captain Poke accepted of my 
terms in the spirit of frankness with which they 
were made. Perhaps his decision was quickened 
by an offer of twenty Napoleons, which I did not 
neglect making on the spot. Amicable, and in 
some respects' confidential, relations were now 
established between my new acquaintance and 
myself; and we pursued our walk, discussing the 
details necessary to the execution of our project. 
After an hour or two passed in this manner, I 
invited my companion to go to my hotel, meaning 
that he should partake of my board until we could 
both depart for England, where it was my inten 
tion to purchase, without delay, a vessel for the 
contemplated voyage, in which I also had decided 
to embark in person. 

We were obliged to make our way through the 
throng that usually frequents the lower part of the 
Champs Elysees, during the season of good wea 
ther and towards the close of day. This task was 
nearly over, when my attention was particularly 
drawn to a group that was just entering the place 
of general resort, apparently with the design of 
adding to the scene of thoughtlessness and amuse 
ment. But, as I am now approaching the most 
material part of this extraordinary work, it will 
be proper to reserve the opening for a new chapter. 



An introduction to four new characters, some touches of phi 
losophy, and a few capital thoughts on political economy. 

THE group which drew my attention was com 
posed of six individuals, two of which were ani 
mals of the genus homo, or what is vulgarly termed 
man ; and the remainder were of the order primates, 
and of the class mammalia; or what, in common 
parlance, are called monkeys. 

The first were Savoyards, and may be gene 
rally described as being unwashed, ragged and 
carnivorous,- in colour, swarthy ; in lineaments and 
expression, avaricious and shrewd, and in appetites 
voracious. The latter were of the common species, 
of the usual size, and of approved gravity. There 
were two of each sex ; being very equally paired 
as to years and external advantages. 

The monkeys were all habited with more or less 
of the ordinary attire of our modern European 
civilization ; but peculiar care had been taken with 
the toilet of the senior of the two males. This 
individual had on the coat of a hussar, a cut that 
would have given a particular part of his body a 
more military contour than comported with his 
real character, were it not for a red petticoat, that 
was made shorter than common ; less, however, 
with a view to show a pretty foot and ankle, than 
to leave the nether limbs at liberty to go through 
with certain extravagant efforts, which the Savoy 
ards were unmercifully exacting from his natural 
agility. He wore a Spanish hat, decorated with 
a few bedraggled feathers, a white cockade, and 


a wooden sword. In addition to the latter, he 
carried in his hand a small broom. 

Observing that my attention was strongly at 
tracted to this party, the ill-favored Savoyards 
immediately commenced a series of experiments 
in saltation", with the sole view, beyond a question, 
to profit by my curiosity. The inoffensive victims 
of this act of brutal tyranny, submitted with a 
patience worthy of the profoundest philosophy, 
meeting the wishes of their masters with a readi 
ness and dexterity that was beyond all praise. 
One swept the earth, another leaped on the back 
of a dog, a third threw himself head-over-heels, 
again and again, without a murmur; and the fourth 
moved gracefully to and fro, like a young girl in 
a quadrille. All this might have passed without 
calling for particular remark, (since, alas ! the spec 
tacle is only too common,) were it not for certain 
eloquent appeals that were made to me, through 
the eyes, by the individual in the hussar jacket. 
His look was rarely averted from my face for a 
moment, and, in this way, a silent communion 
was soon established between us. I observed that 
his gravity was indomitable. Nothing could elicit 
a smile, or a change of countenance. Obedient 
to the whip of his brutal master, he never refused 
the required leap ; for minutes at a time, his legs 
and petticoat described confused circles in the 
air, appearing to have taken a final leave of the 
earth; but, the effort ended, he invariably descend 
ed to the ground with a quiet dignity and compo 
sure, that showed how little the inward monkey 
partook of the antics of the outward animal. Draw 
ing my companion a little aside, I ventured to 
suggest a few thoughts to him on the subject. 

" Really, Captain Poke, it appears to me there is 
great injustice in the treatment of these poor crea- 


tares !" I said. " What right have these two foul- 
looking blackguards to seize upon beings much 
more interesting to the eye, and, I dare say, far 
more intellectual, than themselves, and cause them 
to throw their legs about in this extravagant man 
ner, under the penalty of stripes, and without 
regard to their feelings, or to their convenience? 
I say, sir, the measure appears to me to be intole 
rably oppressive, and it calls for prompt redress." 

" King !" 

" King or subject, it does not alter the moral 
deformity of the act. What have these innocent 
beings done, that they should be subjected to this 
disgrace ? Are they not flesh and blood, like our 
selves do they not approach nearer to our form, 
and, for aught we know to the contrary, to our 
reason, than any other animal ? and is it tolerable 
that our nearest imitations, our very cousins, 
should be thus dealt by? Are they dogs, that they 
are treated like dogs ?" 

" Why, to my notion, Sir John, there isn't a dog 
on 'arth that can take such a summerset. Their 
flapjacks are quite extraor'nary !" 

" Yes, sir, and more than extraordinary ; they 
are oppressive. Place yourself, Mr. Poke, for a 
single instant, in the situation of one of these 
persons; fancy that you had a hussar jacket 
squeezed upon your brawny shoulders, a petticoat 
placed over your lower extremities, a Spanish hat 
with bedraggled feathers set upon your head, a 
wooden sword stuck at your side, and a broom 
put into your hand ; and that these two Savoyards 
were to menace you with stripes unless you con 
sented to throw summersets for the amusement of 
strangers I only ask you to make the case your 
own, sir, and then say what course you would 
take, and what you would do ?" 


" I would lick both of these young blackguards, 
Sir John, without remorse, break the sword and 
the broom over their heads, kick their sensibilities 
till they couldn't see, and take my course for 
Stunin'tun, where I belong." 

"Yes, sir, this might do with the Savoyards, 
who are young and feeble" 

"'T wouldn't alter the case much, if two of 
these Frenchmen were in their places" put in 
the Captain, glaring wolfishly about him. " To be 
plain with you, Sir John Goldencalf, being human, 
I'd submit to no such monkey tricks." 

" Do not use the term reproachfully, Mr. Poke, 
I entreat of you. We call these animals monkeys, 
it is true ; but w r e do not know what they call 
themselves. Man is merely an animal, and you 
must very well know" 

" Harkee, Sir John" interrupted the Captain, 
"I'm no botanist, and do not pretend to more 
schooling than a sealer has need of, for finding his 
way about the 'arth ; but, as for a man's being an 
animal, I just wish to ask you, now, if, in your 
judgment, a hog is also an animal ?" 

" Beyond a doubt and fleas, and toads, and 
sea-serpents, and lizards, and water-devils we are 
all, neither more nor less than animals." 

" Well, if a hog is an animal, I am willing to 
allow the relationship; for, in the course of my 
experunce, which is not small, I have met with 
men that you might have mistaken for hogs, in 
every thing but the bristles, the snout, and the tail. 
I'll never deny what I've seen with my own eyes, 
though I suffer for it ; and therefore I admit that 
hogs being animals, it is more than likely that 
some men must be animals too." 

"We call these interesting beings monkeys; but 
how do we know that they do not return the com- 


pliment, and call us, in their own particular dia 
lect, something quite as offensive. It would become 
our species to manifest a more equitable and phi 
losophical spirit, and to consider these interesting 
strangers as an unfortunate family which has fallen 
into the hands of brutes, and which is, in every 
way, entitled to our commiseration and our active 
interference. Hitherto, I have neve.r sufficiently 
stimulated my sympathies for the animal world, 
by any investment in quadrupeds; but it is my 
intention to write to-morrow to my English agent 
to purchase a pack of hounds and a suitable stud 
of horses ; and by way of quickening so laudable 
a resolution, I shall forthwith make propositions to 
the Savoyards for the speedy emancipation of this 
family of amiable foreigners. The slave trade is 
an innocent pastime, compared to the cruel oppres 
sion that the gentleman in the Spanish hat, in par 
ticular, is compelled to endure." 


" He may be a king, sure enough, in his own 
country, Captain Poke ; a fact that would add ten 
fold agony to his unmerited sufferings." 

Hereupon, I proceeded, without more ado, to 
open a negotiation with the Savoyards. The judi 
cious application of a few Napoleons soon brought 
about a happy understanding between the contract 
ing parties, when the Savoyards transferred to my 
hands the strings which confined their vassals, as 
the formal and usual acknowledgment of the right 
of ownership. Committing the three others to the 
keeping of Mr. Poke, I led the individual in the 
hussar-jacket a little on one side, and, raising my 
hat, to show that I was superior to the vulgar feel 
ing of feudal superiority, I addressed him, briefly, 
in the following words : 

"Although I have ostensibly bought the right 

118 THE MOtflKINS. 

which these Savoyards professed to have in your 
persons and services, I seize an early occasion to 
inform you that, virtually, you are now free. As 
we are among a people accustomed to see your 
race in subjection, however, it may not be prudent 
to proclaim the nature of the present transaction, 
lest there might be some further conspiracies 
against your: natural rights. We will retire to my 
hotel, forthwith, therefore, where your future hap 
piness shall be the subject of our more mature and 
of our united deliberations." 

The respectable stranger in the hussar-jacket 
heard me with inimitable gravity and self-command, 
until, in the warmth of feeling, I raised an arm in 
earnest gesticulation, when, most probably over 
come by the emotions of delight that were natu 
rally awakened in his bosom by this sudden change 
of fortune, he threw three summersets, or flapjacks, 
as Captain Poke had quaintly designated his evolu 
tions, in so rapid succession, as to render it, for a mo 
ment, a matter of doubt whether nature had placed 
his head or his heels uppermost. 

Making a sign for Captain Poke to follow, I now 
took my way directly to the rue de Rivoli. We 
were attended by a constantly increasing crowd, 
until the gate of the hotel was fairly entered ; and 
glad was I to see my charge safely housed, for 
there were abundant indications of another design 
upon their rights, in the taunts and ridicule of the 
living mass that rolled up, as it were, upon our 
heels. On reaching my own apartment, a courier, 
who had been waiting my return, and who had 
just arrived express from England, put a packet 
into my hands, stating that it came from my prin 
cipal English agent. Hasty orders were given to 
attend to the comfort and wants of Captain Poke 
and the strangers, (orders that were in no danger 


of being neglected, since Sir John Goldencalf, with 
the reputed annual revenue of three millions of 
francs, had unlimited credit with all the inhabitants 
of the hotel,) and I hurried into my cabinet, and sat 
down to the eager perusal of the different commu 

Alas ! there was not a line from Anna ! The ob 
durate girl still trifled with my misery; and, in re 
venge, I entertained a momentary resolution of 
adopting the notions of Mahmoud, in order to 
qualify myself to set up a harem. 

The letters were from a variety of correspond 
ents, embracing many of those who were entrust 
ed with the care of my interests in very opposite 
quarters of the world. Half an hour before, I had 
been dying to open more intimate relations with 
the interesting strangers ; but my thoughts instant 
ly took a new direction, and I soon found that the 
painful sentiments I had entertained touching their 
welfare and happiness, were quite lost in the newly 
awakened interests that lay before me. It is in 
this simple manner, no doubt, that the system to 
which I am a convert effects no small part of its 
own great purposes. No sooner does any one in 
terest grow painful by excess, than a new claim 
arises to divert the thoughts, a new demand is 
made on the sensibilities ; and, by lowering bur af 
fections from the intensity of selfishness, to the 
more bland and equable feeling of impartiality, 
forms that just and generous condition of the mind 
at which the political economists aim, when they 
dilate on the glories and advantages of their favor 
ite theory of the social stake. 

In this happy frame of mind, I fell to reading 
the letters with avidity, and with the god-like de 
termination to reverence Providence and to do 
justice. Fiat justitia ruat cselum! 


The first epistle was from the agent of the prin 
cipal West-India estate. He acquainted me with 
the fact that all hopes from the expected crop were 
destroyed by a hurricane, and he begged that I 
would furnish the means necessary to carry on the 
affairs of the plantation, until another season might 
repair the loss. Priding myself on punctuality as 
a man of business, before I broke another seal, a 
letter was written to a banker in London, request 
ing him to supply the necessary credits, and to no 
tify the agent in the West-Indies of the circum 
stance. As he was a member of parliament, I 
seized the occasion, also, to press upon him the 
necessity of government's introducing some early 
measure for the protection of the sugar-growers, a 
most meritorious class of his fellow-subjects, and 
one whose exposures and actual losses called loud 
ly for relief of this nature. As I closed the letter, 
I could not help dwelling, with complacency, on 
the zeal and promptitude with which I had acted 
the certain proof of the usefulness of the theory of 

The second communication was from the man 
ager of an East-India property, that "very happily 
came with its offering to fill the vacuum left by the 
failure of the crops just mentioned. Sugar was 
likely to be a drug in the peninsula, and my cor 
respondent stated that the cost of transportation 
being so much greater than from the other colonies, 
this advantage would be entirely lost, unless go 
vernment did something to restore the East-Indian 
to his natural equality. I enclosed this letter in one 
to my Lord Say and Do, who was in the ministry, 
asking of him, in the most laconic and pointed terms, 
whether it were possible for the empire to prosper, 
when one portion of it was left in possession of 
exclusive advantages, to the prejudice of all the 


others ? As this question was put with a truly Brit 
ish spirit, I hope it had some tendency to open the 
eyes of his Majesty's ministers; for much was 
shortly after said, both in the journals and in Par 
liament, on the necessity of protecting our East- 
Indian fellow-subjects, and of doing natural justice 
by establishing the national prosperity on the only 
firm basis, that of Free Trade. 

The next letter was from the acting partner of 
a large manufacturing house, to which I had ad 
vanced quite half the capital, in order to enter into 
a sympathetic communion with the cotton-spinners. 
The writer complained heavily of the import duty 
on the raw article ; made some poignant allusions 
to the increasing competition on the continent and 
in America ; and pretty clearly intimated that the 
Lord of the manor of Householder ought to make 
himself felt by the administration, in a question of 
so much magnitude to the nation. On this hint I 
spake. I sat down, on the spot, and wrote a long 
letter to my friend, Lord Pledge, in which I pointed 
out to him the danger that threatened our political 
economy ; that we were imitating the false theories 
of the Americans, (the countrymen of Captain 
Poke) ; that trade was clearly never so prosperous 
as when it was the most successful ; that success 
depended on effort, and effort was the most efficient 
when the least encumbered ; and, in short, that, as 
it was self-evident a man would jump farther with 
out being in foot-irons, or strike harder without be 
ing handcuffed, so it was equally apparent, that a 
merchant would make a better bargain for himself, 
when he could have things all his own way, than 
when his enterprise and industry were shackled 
by the impertinent and selfish interposition of the 
interests of others. In conclusion, there was an 
eloquent description of the demoralizing conse- 

VOL. I. 11 


quences of smuggling, and a pungent attack on the 
tendencies of taxation in general. I have written 
and said some good things in my time, as several 
of my dependants have sworn to me, in a way that 
even my natural modesty cannot repudiate ; but I 
shall be excused for the weakness, if I now add, 
that I believe this letter to Lord Pledge contained 
some as clever points, as any thing I remember, 
in their way; the last paragraph, in particular, 
being positively the neatest and the best turned 
moral I ever produced. 

Letter fourth was from the steward of the House 
holder estate. He spoke of the difficulty of getting 
the rents ; a difficulty that he imputed altogether to 
the low price of corn. He said that it would soon 
be necessary to re-let certain farms; and he feared 
that the unthinking cry against the corn-laws would 
affect the conditions. It was incumbent on the land 
ed interest to keep an eye on the popular tendencies, 
as respected this subject ; for any material variation 
from the present system would lower the rental of 
all the grain-growing counties in England, thirty 
per cent., at least, at a blow. He concluded with 
a very hard rap at the Agrarians, a party that was 
just coming a little into notice in Great Britain, 
and, by a very ingenious turn, in which he com 
pletely demonstrated that the protection of the 
landlord and the support of the Protestant religion 
were indissolubly connected. There was also a 
vigorous appeal to the common sense of the subject, 
on the danger to be apprehended by the people 
from themselves ; which ne treated in a way that, 
a little more expanded, would have made a delight 
ful homily on the rights of man. 

I believe I meditated on the contents of this letter 
fully an hour. Its writer, John Dobbs, was as worthy 
and upright a fellow as ever breathed; and I could 


not but admire the surprising knowledge of men 
which shone through every line he had indite . 
Something must be done, it was clear; and, at 
length, I determined to take the bull by the horns, 
and to address Mr. Huskisson at once, as the 
shortest way of coming at the evil. He was the 
political sponsor for all the new notions on the 
subject of our foreign mercantile policy ; and, by 
laying before him, in a strong point of view, the 
fatal consequences of carrying his system to ex 
tremes, I hoped something might yet be done for 
the owners of real estate, the bones and sinews of 
the land. 

I shall just add, in this place, that Mr. Huskis 
son sent me a very polite and a very statesman-like 
reply, in which he disclaimed any intention of med 
dling improperly with British interests, in any way ; 
that taxation was necessary to our system, and of 
course every nation was the best judge of its own 
means and resources ; but that he merely aimed at 
the establishment of just and generous principles, 
by which nations that had no occasion for British 
measures should not unhandsomely resort to them ; 
and that certain eternal truths should stand, like so 
many well-constructed tubs, each on its own bot 
tom. I must say I was pleased with this attention 
from a man generally reputed as clever as Mr. 
Huskisson, and from that time I became a convert 
to most of his opinions. 

The next communication that I opened, was 
from the overseer of the estate in Louisiana, who 
informed me that the general aspect of things in 
that quarter of the world was favorable, but the 
small-pox had found its way among the negroes, 
and the business of the plantation would imme 
diately require the services of fifteen able-bodied 
men, with the usual sprinkling of women and chil- 


dren. He added, that the laws of America prohi 
bited the further importation of blacks from any 
country without the limits of the Union, but that 
there was a very pretty and profitable internal 
trade in the article ; and that the supply might be 
obtained, in sufficient season, either from the Caro- 
linas, Virginia, or Maryland. He admitted, how 
ever, that there was some choice between the 
different stocks of these several states, and that some 
discretion might be necessary in making the selec 
tion. The negro of the Carolinas was the most 
used to the cotton-field, had less occasion for 
clothes, and it had been proved by experiment, 
could be fattened on red herrings; while, on the 
other hand, the negro farther north had the highest 
instinct, could sometimes reason, and that he had 
even been known to preach, when he had got 
as high up as Philadelphia. He much affected, 
also, bacon and poultry. Perhaps it might be well 
to purchase samples of lots from all the different 
stocks in market. 

In reply, I assented to the latter idea, suggesting 
the expediency of getting one or two of the higher 
castes from the north ; I had no objection to 
preaching, provided they preached work; but I 
cautioned the overseer particularly against schis 
matics. Preaching, in the abstract, could do no 
harm ; all depending on doctrine. 

This advice was given as the result of much 
earnest observation. Those European states that 
had the most obstinately resisted 'the introduction 
of letters, I had recently had occasion to remark, 
were changing their systems, and were about to 
act on the principle of causing " fire to fight fire." 
They were fast having recourse to school-books, 
using no other precaution than the simple expedient 
of writing them themselves. By this ingenious 


invention, poison was converted into food, and 
truths of all classes were at once put above the 
dangers of disputations and heresies. 

Having disposed of the Louisianian, I very 
gladly turned to the opening of the sixth seal. The 
letter was from the efficient trustee of a company 
to whose funds I had largely contributed, by way 
of making an investment in charity. It had struck 
me, a short time previously to quitting home, that 
interests positive as most of those I had embarked 
in, had a tendency to render the spirit worldly; and 
I saw no other check to such an evil, than by seek 
ing for some association with the saints, in order to 
set up a balance against the dangerous propensity. 
A lucky occasion offered through the wants of the 
Philo-african-anti-compulsion-free-labour Society, 
whose meritorious efforts were about to cease for 
want of the great charity-power gold. A draft 
for five thousand pounds had obtained me the honor 
of being advertised as a shareholder and a patron ; 
and, I know not why ! but it certainly caused me 
to inquire into the results with far more interest than 
I had ever before felt in any similar institution. 
Perhaps this benevolent anxiety arose from that 
principle in our nature, which induces us to look 
after whatever has been our own, as long as any 
part of it can be seen. 

The principal trustee of the Philo-african-anti- 
compulsion-free-labour Society now wrote to state 
that some of the speculations which had gone pan 
passu with the charity, had been successful, and 
that the shareholders were, by the fundamental 
provisions of the association, entitled to a dividend, 
but how often that awkward word stands between 
the cup and the lip ! but, that he was of opinion the 
establishment of a new factory, near a point where 
the slavers most resorted, and where gold-dust and 


palm-oil were also to be had in the greatest quan 
tities, and consequently at the lowest prices, would 
equally benefit trade and philanthropy ; that, by a 
judicious application of our means, these two inte 
rests might be made to see-saw very cleverly, as 
cause and effect, effect and cause ; that the black 
man would be spared an incalculable amount of 
misery, the white man a grievous burthen of sin, 
and the particular agents of so manifest a good 
might quite reasonably calculate on making, at the 
very least, forty per cent, per annum on their 
money, besides having all their souls saved, in the 
bargain. Of course I assented to a proposition so 
reasonable in itself, and which offered benefits so 
plausible ! 

The next epistle was from the head of a great 
commercial house in Spain, in which I had taken 
some shares, and whose interests had been tempo 
rarily deranged by the throes of the people in their 
efforts to obtain redress for real or imaginary 
wrongs. My correspondent showed a proper indig 
nation on the occasion, and \vas not sparing in his 
language whenever he was called to speak of 
popular tumults. " What do the wretches wish !" 
he asked, with much point " Our lives, as well as 
our property? Ah! my dear sir, this bitter fact 
impresses us all (by us, he meant the mercantile 
interests) with the importance of strong executives. 
Where should we have been, but for the bayonets 
of the king ? or what would have become of our 
altars, our firesides and our persons, had it not 
pleased God to grant us a .monarch indomitable in 
will, brave in spirit, and quick in action ?" I wrote 
a proper answer of congratulation, and turned to 
the next epistle, which was the last of the communi 

The eighth letter was from the acting head of 

THE MOfflKItfS. 127 

another commercial house, in New-York, United 
States of America, or the country of Captain Poke, 
where it would seem the President, by a decided 
exercise of his authority, had drawn upon him 
self the execrations of a large portion of the 
commercial interests of the country; since the 
effect of the measure, right or wrong, as a legiti 
mate consequence or not, by hook or by crook, had 
been to render money scarce. -There is no man so 
keen in his philippics, so acute in discovering and 
so prompt in analyzing facts, so animated in his phi 
losophy, and so eloquent in his complaints, as your 
debtor, when money unexpectedly gets to be scarce ! 
Credit, comfort, bones, sinews, marrow and all, ap 
pear to depend on the result ; and it is no wonder 
that, under so lively impressions, men who have 
hitherto been content to jog on in the regular and 
quiet habits of barter, should suddenly start up into 
logicians, politicians, ay, or even into magicians. Such 
had been the case with my present correspondent, 
who seemed to know and to care as little in gene 
ral of the polity of his own country as if he had 
never been in it, but who now was ready to split 
hairs with a metaphysician, and who could not 
have written more complacently of the constitution 
if he had even read it. My limits will not allow 
an insertion of the whola letter, but one or two of 
its sentences shall be given. " Is it tolerable, my 
dear sir," he went on to say, " that the executive 
of any country, I will not say merely of our own, 
should possess, or exercise, even admitting that he 
does possess them, such unheard of powers ? Our 
condition is worse than that of the Mussulmans, 
who, in losing their money, usually lose their heads, 
and are left in a happy insensibility to their suffer 
ings : but, alas ! there is an end of the much boast 
ed liberty of America ! The executive has swallow- 


ed up all the other branches of the government, and 
the next thing will be to swallow up us. Our altars, 
our firesides, and our persons will shortly be in 
vaded ; and I much fear that my next letter will be 
received by you, long after all correspondence shall 
be prohibited, every means of communication cut 
off, and we ourselves shall be precluded from writ 
ing, by being chained, like beasts of burthen, to the 
car of a bloody tyrant." Then followed as pretty 
a string of epithets as I remember to have heard 
from the mouth of the veriest shrew at Billings 

I could not but admire the virtue of the " so 
cial-stake system," which kept men so sensibly alive 
to all their rights, let them live where they would, 
or under what form of government, which was so 
admirably suited to sustain truth and render us just. 
In reply, I sent back epithet for epithet, echoed all 
the groans of my correspondent, and railed as be 
came a man who was connected with a losing 

This closed my correspondence for the present, 
and I arose wearied with my labors, and yet great 
ly rejoicing in their fruits. It was now late, but 
excitement prevented sleep ; and before retiring for 
the night, I could not help looking in upon my guests. 
Captain Poke had gone to a room in another part 
of the hotel, but the family of amiable strangers 
were fast asleep in the ante-chamber. They had 
supped heartily, as I was assured, and were now 
indulging in a happy but temporary oblivion to 
use an approved expression of all their wrongs. 
Satisfied with this state of things, I now sought my 
own pillow, or, according to a favorite phrase of 
Mr. Noah Poke, I also " turned in." 



The commencement of wonders, which are the more extra 
ordinary on account of their truth. 

I DARE say my head had been on the pillow fully 
an hour, before sleep closed my eyes. During this 
time, I had abundant occasion to understand the 
activity of what are called the " busy thoughts." 
Mine were feverish, glowing, and restless. They 
wandered over a wide field; one that included 
Anna, with her beauty, her mild truth, her woman 
ly softness and her womanly cruelty ; Captain Poke 
and his peculiar opinions ; the amiable family of 
quadrupeds and their wounded sensibilities ; the ex 
cellencies of the social-stake system ; and, in short, 
most of that which I had seen and heard during 
the last four-and-twenty hours. When sleep did 
tardily arrive, it overtook me at the very moment 
that I had inwardly vowed to forget my heartless 
mistress, and to devote the remainder of my life to 
the promulgation of the doctrine of the expansive- 
super-human-generalized-affection-principle, to the 
utter exclusion of all narrow and selfish views, and 
in which I resolved to associate myself with Mr. 
Poke, as with one who had seen a great deal of 
this earth and its inhabitants, without narrowing 
down his sympathies in favor of any one place or 
person, in particular, Stunin'tun and himself very 
properly excepted. 

It was broad day-light when I awoke on the fol 
lowing morning. My spirits were calmed by rest, 
and my nerves had been soothed by the balmy 
freshness of the atmosphere. It appeared that my 
valet had entered and admitted the morning air, 


and then had withdrawn, as usual, to await the signal 
of the bell, before he presumed to reappear. I lay 
many minutes, in delicious repose, enjoying the pe 
riodical return to life and reason, bringing with it, 
the pleasures of thought and its ten thousand agree 
able associations. The delightful reverie into which 
I was insensibly dropping, was, however, ere long 
arrested by low, murmuring, and, as I thought, 
plaintive voices, at no great distance from my own 
bed. Seating myself erect,! listened intently, and with 
a good deal of surprise ; for il was not easy to ima 
gine whence sounds, so unusual for that place and 
hour, could proceed. The discourse was earnest, 
and even animated ; but it was carried on in so low 
a tone that it would have been utterly inaudible, but 
for the deep quiet of the hotel. Occasionally a word 
reached my ear, and I was completely at fault in en 
deavoring to ascertain even the language. That it 
was in neither of the five great European tongues, I 
was certain, for all these 1 either spoke or read; and 
there were particular sounds and inflexions that in 
duced me to think that it savored of the most an 
cient of the two classics. It is true that the proso 
dy of these dialects, at the same time that is is a 
shibboleth of learning, is a disputed point, the very 
sounds of the vowels even being a matter of na 
tional convention; the Latin word dux, for in 
stance, becoming ducks in England, dooks in Italy, 
and dukes in France : yet there is a 'je ne sais quoij 
a delicacy in the auricular taste of a true scholar, 
that will rarely lead him astray, when his ears are 
greeted with words that have been used by Demos 
thenes or Cicero.* In the present instance, I dis 
tinctly heard the word, my-bom-y-nos-fos-kom-i-ton, 

* Or Chichero, or Kickero, whichever may happen to suit 
the prejudices of the reader. 


which I made sure was a verb in the dual number 
and second person, of a Greek root, but of a signi 
fication that I could not, on the instant, master, but 
which, beyond a question, every scholar will recog 
nize as having a strong analogy to a well-known 
line in Homer. If I was puzzled with the sylla 
bles that accidentally reached me, I was no less 
perplexed with the intonations of the voices of the 
different speakers. While it was easy to under 
stand they were of the two sexes, they had no 
direct affinity to the mumbling sibilations of the 
English, the vehement monotony of the French, 
the gagging sonorousness of the Spaniards, the 
noisy melody of the Italians, the ear-splitting oc 
taves of the Germans, or the undulating, head- 
over-heels enunciation of the countrymen of my 
particular acquaintance, Captain Noah Poke. Of 
all the living languages of which I had any know 
ledge, the resemblance was nearer to the Danish 
and Swedish, than to any other; but I much 
doubted, at the time I first heard the syllables, and 
still question, if there is exactly such a word as 
my-bom-y-nos-fos-kom-i-ton to be found in even 
either of those tongues. I could no longer sup 
port the suspense. The classical and learned 
doubts that beset me, grew intensely painful; and, 
arising with the greatest caution, in order not to 
alarm the speakers, I prepared to put an end to 
them all, by the simple and natural process of 
actual observation. 

The voices came from the ante-chamber, the 
door of which was slightly open. Throwing on a 
dressing-gown, and thrusting my feet into slippers, 
I moved on tiptoe to the aperture, and placed my 
eye in such a situation as enabled me to command 
a view of the persons of those who were still 
earnestly talking in the adjoining room. All sur- 


prise vanished the moment I found that the four 
monkeys were grouped in a corner of the apart 
ment, where they were carrying on a very ani 
mated dialogue, the two oldest of the party (a male 
and a female) being the principal speakers. It was 
not to be expected that even a graduate of Oxford, 
although belonging to a sect so proverbial for 
classical lore, that many of them knew nothing 
else, could, at the first hearing, decide upon the 
analogies and character of a tongue that is so little 
cultivated even in that ancient seat of learning. 
Although I had now certainly a direct clue to the 
root of the dialect of the speakers, I found it quite 
impossible to get any useful acquaintance with the 
general drift of what was passing among them. 
As they were my guests, however, and might pos 
sibly be in want of some of the conveniences that 
were necessary to their habits, or might even be 
suffering under still graver embarrassments, I 
conceived it to be a duty to waive the ordinary 
usages of society, and at once offer whatever 
it was in my power to bestow, at the risk of inter 
rupting concerns that they might possibly wish to 
consider private. Using the precaution, there 
fore, to make a little noise, as the best means of 
announcing my approach, the door was gently 
opened, and I presented myself to view. At first, 
I was a little at a loss in what manner to address 
the strangers; but, believing that a people who 
spoke a language so difficult of utterance and so 
rich as that I had just heard, like those who use 
dialects derived from the Slavonian root, were 
most probably the masters of all others; and remem 
bering, moreover, that French was a medium of 
thought among all polite people, I determined to 
have recourse to that tongue. 

"Messieurs et mesdames," I said, inclining my 


body in salutation, "mille pardons pour cette intrusion 
pen convenable" but, as I am writing in English, 
it may be well to translate the speeches as I pro 
ceed ; although I abandon with regret the advantage 
of going through them literally, and in the appro 
priate dialect in which they were originally spoken. 

" Gentlemen and ladies," I said, inclining my body 
in salutation, " I ask a thousand pardons for this 
inopportune intrusion on your retirement; but over 
hearing a few of what I much fear are but too 
well grounded complaints, touching the false posi 
tion in which you are placed, as the occupant of 
this apartment, and in that light your host, I have 
ventured to approach, with no other desire than 
the wish that you would make me the repository 
of all your griefs, in order, if possible, that they 
may be repaired as soon as circumstances shall in 
any manner allow." 

The strangers were very naturally a little star 
tled at my unexpected appearance, and at the 
substance of what I had just said. I observed 
that the two ladies were apparently, in some slight 
degree, even distressed, the younger turning her 
head on one side in maiden modesty, while the 
elder, a duenna-sort-of-looking person, dropped 
her eyes to the floor, but succeeded in better 
maintaining her self-possession and gravity. The 
eldest of the two gentlemen approached me with 
dignified composure, after a moment of hesitation; 
and, returning my salute, by waving his tail with 
singular grace and decorum, he answered as fol 
lows. I may as well state in this place, that he 
spoke the French about as well as an Englishman 
who has lived long enough on the continent to 
fancy he can travel in the provinces without being 
detected for a foreigner. Au reste, his accent was 
slightly Russian, and his enunciation whistling and 

VOL. I. 12 


harmonious. The females, especially in some of the 
lower keys of their voices, made sounds not unlike 
the sighing tones of the Eolian harp. It was real 
ly a pleasure to hear them ; but I have often had 
occasion to remark that, in every country but one 
which I do not care to name, the language, when 
uttered by the softer sex, takes new charms, and 
is rendered more delightful to the ear. 

" Sir," said the stranger, when he had done 
waving his tail, "I should do great injustice to my 
feelings, and to the monikin character in general, 
were I to neglect expressing some small portion 
of the gratitude I feel on the present occasion. 
Destitute, houseless, insulted wanderers and cap 
tives, fortune has at length shed a ray of happiness 
on our miserable condition, and hope begins to 
shine through the cloud of our distress, like a pass 
ing gleam of the sun. From my very tail, sir, in 
my own name and in that of this excellent and 
most prudent matron, and in those of these two 
noble and youthful lovers, I thank you Yes ! hon 
orable and humane being of the genus homo, spe 
cies Anglicus, we all return our most tail-felt 
acknowledgments of your goodness !" 

Here the whole party gracefully bent the orna 
ments in question over their heads, touching their 
receding foreheads with the several tips, and 
bowed. I would have given ten thousand pounds, 
at that moment, to have had a good investment in 
tails, in order to emulate their form of courtesy ; 
but naked, shorn and destitute as I was, with a 
feeling of humility, I was obliged to put my head 
a little on one shoulder, and give the ordinary 
English bob, in return for their more elaborate 

"If I were merely to say, sir," I continued, 
when the opening salutations were thus properly 


exchanged, " that I am charmed at this accidental 
interview, the word would prove very insufficient 
to express my delight. Consider this hotel as your 
own ; its domestics as your domestics ; its stores 
of condiments as your stores of condiments, and 
its nominal tenant as your most humble servant 
and friend. I have been greatly shocked at the 
indignities to which you have hitherto been ex 
posed, and now promise you liberty, kindness, and 
all those attentions to which, it is very apparent, 
you are fully entitled by your birth, breeding, and 
the delicacy of your sentiments. I congratulate 
myself a thousand times for having been so for 
tunate as to make your acquaintance. My great 
est desire has always been to stimulate the sym 
pathies ; but, until to-day, various accidents have 
confined the cultivation of this heaven-born pro 
perty, in a great measure, to my own species; I 
now look forward, however, to a delicious career 
of new-born interests in the whole of the animal 
creation, I need scarcely say, in that of quadrupeds 
of your family in particular." 

" Whether we belong to the class of quadrupeds 
or not, is a question that has a good deal embar 
rassed our own savans" returned the stranger. 
" There is an ambiguity in our physical action that 
renders the point a little questionable ; and there 
fore, I think, the higher castes of our natural phi 
losophers rather prefer classing the entire monikin 
species, with all its varieties, as caudae-jactans, 
or tail-wavers ; adopting the term from the nobler 
part of the animal formation. Is not this the better 
opinion at home, my Lord Chatterino ?" he asked, 
turning to the youth, who stood respectfully at his 

" Such, I believe, my dear Doctor, was the last 
classification sanctioned by the academy," the 


young noble replied, with a readiness that proved 
him to be both well-informed and intelligent, and, 
at the same time, with a reserve of manner that 
did equal credit to his modesty and breeding. " The 
question of whether we are or are not bipeds has 
greatly agitated the schools for more than three 

"The use of this gentleman's name," I hastily 
rejoined, " my dear sir, reminds me that we are 
but half acquainted with each other. Permit me to 
waive ceremony, and to announce myself, at once, 
as Sir John Goldencalf, Baronet, of Householder- 
Hall, in the Kingdom of Great Britain, a poor ad 
mirer of excellence wherever it is to be found, or 
under whatever form, and a devotee of the system 
of the * social-stake.* " 

" I am happy to be admitted to the honor of this 
formal introduction, Sir John. .In return, I beg you 
will suffer me to say that this young nobleman is, in 
our own dialect, No. 6, purple ; or, to translate the ap 
pellation, my Lord Chatterino. This young lady is 
No. 4, violet, or, my Lady Chatterissa. This excel 
lent and prudent matron is No. 4,626,243, russet, or, 
Mistress Vigilance Lynx, to translate her appella 
tion also into the English tongue ; and that I am 
No. 22,817, brown-study-color, or, Dr. Reasono, 
to give you a literal signification of my name, a 
poor disciple of the philosophers of our race, an 
LL. D., and a F. U. D. G. E., the travelling tutor of 
this heir of one of the most illustrious and the most 
ancient houses of the island of Leaphigh, in the 
monikin section of mortality." 

" Every syllable, learned Dr. Reasono, that falls 
from your revered lips, only whets curiosity, and 
adds fuel to the flame of desire, tempting me to in 
quire further into your private history, your future 
intentions, the polity of your species, and all those 
interesting topics that will readily suggest them- 


selves to one of your quick apprehension and ex 
tensive acquirements. I dread being thought indis 
creet ; and yet, putting yourself in my position, I 
trust you will overlook a wish so natural .and ar 

x " Apology is unnecessary, Sir John, and nothing 
would afford me greater satisfaction than to an 
swer any and every inquiry you may be disposed 
to make." 

" Then, sir, to cut short all useless circumlocu 
tion, suffer me to ask at once an explanation of the 
system of enumeration, by which you indicate in 
dividuals? You are called No. 22,817, brown- 
study-color " 

" Or, Dr. Reasono. As you are an Englishman, 
you will perhaps understand me better, if I refer to 
a recent practice of the new London police. You 
may have observed that the men wear letters in 
red or white, and numbers on the capes of their 
coats. By the letters, the passenger can refer to 
the company of the officer, while the number indi 
cates the individual. Now, the idea of this im 
provement came, I make no doubt, from our sys 
tem, under which society is divided into castes, for 
the sake of harmony and subordination, and these 
castes are designated by colors and shades of colors, 
that are significant of their stations and pursuits 
the individual, as in the new police, being known 
by the number. Our own language being exceed 
ingly sententious, is capable of expressing the most 
elaborate of these combinations in a very few 
sounds. I should add that there is no difference in 
the manner of distinguishing the sexes, with the 
exception that each is numbered apart, and each 
has a counterpart-color to that of the same caste 
in the other sex. Thus, purple and violet are both 
noble, the former being masculine and the latter 

1 - I 


feminine, and russet being the counterpart of 

" And excuse my natural ardor to know more 
and do you bear these numbers and colors mark 
ed on your attire, in your own region ?" 

"As for attire, Sir John, the monikins are too 
highly improved, mentally and physically, to need 
any. It is known that in all cases, extremes meet. 
The savage is nearer to nature than the merely 
civilized being, and the creature that has passed 
the mistifications of a middle state of improvement, 
finds himself again approaching nearer to the habits, 
the wishes, and the opinions of our common mo 
ther. As the real gentleman is more simple in 
manners than the distant imitator of his deport 
ment ; as fashions and habits are always more ex 
aggerated in provincial towns than in polished 
capitals ; or, as the profound philosopher has less 
pretensions than the tyro, so does our common 
genus, as it draws nearer to the consummation of 
its destiny, and its highest attainments, learn to re 
ject the most valued usages of the middle condi 
tion, and to return, with ardor, towards nature, as 
to a first love. It is on this principle, sir, that the 
monikin family never wears clothes." 

" I could not but perceive that the ladies have 
manifested some embarrassment ever since I en 
tered, is it possible, that their delicacy has taken 
the alarm, at the state of rny toilet ?" 

" At the toilet itself, Sir John, rather than at its 
state, if I must speak plainly. The female mind, 
trained as it is with us, from infancy upward, in 
the habits and usages of nature, is shocked by any 
departure from her rules. You will know how to 
make allowances for the squeamishness of the sex, 
for I believe it is much alike, in this -particular, let 
it come from what quarter of the earth it may." 


" I can only excuse the seeming want of polite 
ness by my ignorance, Dr. Reasono. Before I ask 
another question, the oversight shall be repaired. I 
must retire into my own chamber for an instant, 
gentlemen and ladies, and I beg you will find such 
sources of amusement as first offer, until I can re 
turn. There are nuts, I believe, in this closet ; su 
gar is usually kept on that table, and perhaps the 
ladies might find some relaxation by exercising 
themselves on the chairs. In a single moment I 
shall be with you again." 

Hereupon, I withdrew into my bed-chamber, and 
began to lay aside the dressing-gown, as well as 
my shirt. Remembering, however, that I was but 
too liable to colds in the head, I returned to ask 
Dr. Reasono to step in where I was for an instant. 
On mentioning the difficulty, this excellent person 
assumed the office of preparing his female friends 
to overlook the slight innovation of my still wear 
ing the night-cap and slippers. 

" The ladies would think nothing of it," the phi 
losopher good-humoredly remarked, by way of 
lessening my regrets at having wounded their sen 
sibilities, " were you even to appear in a military 
cloak and Hessian boots, provided, it was not 
thought that you were of their acquaintance, and 
in their immediate society. I think you must have 
often remarked among the sex of your own spe 
cies, who are frequently quite indifferent to nudities 
(their prejudices running counter to ours,) that ap 
pear in the streets, but which would cause them 
instantly to run out of the room, when exhibited in 
the person of an acquaintance ; these conventional 
asides being tolerated everywhere, by a judicious 
concession of punctilios that might otherwise be 
come insupportable." 


" The distinction is too reasonable to require an 
other word of explanation, dear sir* Now, let us 
rejoin the ladies, since I am, at length, in some de 
gree, fit to be seen." 

I was rewarded for this bit of delicate attention, 
by an approving smile from the lovely Chatterissa, 
and good Mistress Lynx no longer kept her eyes 
riveted on the floor, but bent them on me, with 
looks of admiration and gratitude. 

" Now that this little contre-tems is no longer an 
obstacle," I resumed, " permit me to continue those 
inquiries which you have hitherto answered with 
so much amenity, and so satisfactorily. As you 
have no clothes, in what manner is the parallel be 
tween your usage and that of the new London po 
lice practically completed ?" 

" Although we have no clothes, Nature, whose 
laws are never violated with impunity, but who is 
as beneficent as she is absolute, has furnished us 
with a downy covering to supply their places, 
wherever clothes are needed for comfort. We have 
coats that defy fashions, require no tailors, and 
never lose their naps. But it would be inconveni 
ent to be totally clad in this manner ; and, there 
fore, the palms of our hands are, as you see, un 
gloved ; the portions of the frame on which we seat 
ourselves are left uncovered, most probably lest 
some inconvenience should arise from taking acci 
dental and unfavorable positions. This is the part 
of the monikin frame the best adapted for receiving 
paint, and the numbers of which I have spoken are 
periodically renewed there, at public offices appoint 
ed for that purpose. Our characters are so minute as 
to escape the human eye ; but by using that opera- 
glass, I make no doubt that you may still see some 
of my own enregistration, although, alas ! unusual 
friction, great misery, and, I may say, unmerited 


wrongs, have nearly un-monikined me in this, as 
well as in various other, particulars." 

As Dr. Reasono had the complaisance to turn 
round, and to use his tail like the index of a black 
board, by aid of the glass, I very distinctly traced 
the figures to which he alluded. Instead of being 
in paint, however, as he had given me reason to 
anticipate, they seemed to be branded, or burnt 
in, indelibly, as we commonly mark horses, thieves, 
and negroes. On mentioning the fact to the phi 
losopher, it was explained with his usual facility 
and politeness. 

" You are quite right, sir," he said ; " the omis 
sion of paint was to prevent tautology, an offence 
against the simplicity of the monikin dialect, as 
well as against monikin taste, that would have 
been sufficient, under our opinions, even to over 
turn the government." 

" Tautology !" 

" Tautology, Sir John ; on examining the back 
ground of the picture, you will perceive that it is 
already of a dusky, sombre hue ; now, this being 
of a meditative and grave character, has been 
denominated by our academy the ' brown-study- 
color;' and it would clearly have been superer 
ogatory to lay the same tint upon it. No, sir ; we 
avoid repetitions even in our prayers, deeming 
them to be so many proofs of an illogical and of 
an anti-consecutive mind." 

"The system is admirable, and I see new beau 
ties at each moment. You enjoy the advantage, 
for instance, under this mode of enumeration, of 
knowing your acquaintances from behind, quite as 
well as if you met them face to face !" 

" The suggestion is ingenious, showing an active 
and an observant mind ; but it does not quite reach 
the motive of the politico-numerical-identity-sys- 


tern of which we are speaking. The objects of 
this arrangement are altogether of a higher and 
more useful nature ; nor do we usually recognize 
our friends by their countenances, which at the 
best are no more than so many false signals, but 
by their tails." 

" This is admirable ! What a facility you pos 
sess for recognizing an acquaintance, who may 
happen to be up a tree ! But may I presume to 
inquire, Dr. Reasono, what are the most approved 
of the advantages of the politico-numerical-identity- 
system? For impatience is devouring my vitals." 

" They are connected with the interests of go 
vernment. You know, sir, that society is estab 
lished for the purposes of governments, and govern 
ments, themselves, mainly to facilitate contributions 
and taxations. Now, by the numerical system, 
we have every opportunity of including the whole 
monikin race in the collections, as they are pe 
riodically checked off by their numbers. The 
idea was a happy thought of an eminent statician 
of ours, who gained great credit at court by the 
invention, and, in fact, who was admitted to the 
academy in consequence of its ingenuity." 

" Still it must be admitted, my dear Doctor," 
put in Lord Chatterino, always with the modesty, 
and perhaps I might add, with the generosity of 
youth, " that there are some among us who deny 
that society was made for governments, and who 
maintain that governments were made for society; 
or, in other words, for monikins." 

"Mere theorists, my goo<^ Lord; and their 
opinions, even if true, are never practised on. 
Practice is every thing in political matters ; and 
theories are of no use, except as they confirm 

"Both theory and practice are perfect," I cried; 


"and I make no doubt that the classification into co 
lors, or castes, enables the authorities to commence 
the imposts with the richest, or the * purples.' " 

" Sir, monikin prudence never lays the founda 
tion-stone at the summit ; it seeks the base of the 
edifice; and as contributions are the walls of 
society, we commence with the bottom. When 
you shall know us better, Sir John Goldencalf, 
you will begin to comprehend the beauty and 
benevolence of the entire monikin economy." 

I now adverted to the frequent use of this word 
"monikin;" and, admitting my ignorance, desired 
an explanation of the term, as well as -a more 
general insight into the origin, history, hopes, and 
polity of the interesting strangers ; if they can be 
so called who were already so well known to me. 
Dr. Reasono admitted that the request was natural 
and was entitled to respect; but he delicately sug 
gested the necessity of sustaining the animal func 
tions by nutriment, intimating that the ladies had 
supped but in an indifferent way the evening 
before, and acknowledging that, philosopher as he 
was, he should go through the desired explanations 
after improving the slight acquaintance he had 
already made with certain condiments in one of 
the armoires, with far more zeal and point, than 
could possibly be done in the present state of his 
appetite. The suggestion was so very plausible 
that there was no resisting it; and, suppressing 
my curiosity as well as I could, the bell was rung, 
I retired to my bed-chamber to resume so much 
of my attire as was necessary to the semi-civili 
zation of man, and then the necessary orders were 
given to the domestics, who, by the way, were 
suffered to remain under the influence of those 
ordinary and vulgar prejudices that are pretty 
generally entertained by the human, against the 
monikin family. 


Previously to separating from my new friend 
Dr. Reasono, however, 1 took him aside, and 
stated that I had an acquaintance in the hotel, a 
person of singular philosophy, after the human 
fashion, and a great traveller ; and that I desired 
. permission to let him into the secret of our intended 
lecture on the monikin economy, and to bring 
* him with me as an auditor. To this request, No. 
22,81-7, brown-study-color, or Dr. Reasono, gave 
a very cordial assent; hinting delicately, at the 
same time, his expectation that this new auditor, 
who, of course, was no other than Captain Noah 
Poke, would not deem it disparaging to his man 
hood, to consult the sensibilities of the ladies, by 
appearing in the garments of that only decent and 
respectable tailor and draper, nature. To this 
suggestion I gave a ready approval ; when each 
went his way, after the usual salutations of bowing 
and tail-waving, with a mutual promise of being 
punctual to the appointment. 


A great deal of negotiation, in which human shrewdness is 
completely shamed, and human ingenuity is shown to be 
of a very secondary quality. 

MR. POKE listened to my account of all that had 
passed, with a very sedate gravity. He informed 
me that he had witnessed so much ingenuity among 
the seals, and had known so many brutes that 
seemed to have the sagacity of men, and so many 
men who appeared to have the stupidity of 
brutes, that he had no difficulty whatever in be- 

' " : - 'i' 5 


Heving every word I told him. He expressed his 
satisfaction, too, at the prospect of hearing a lec 
ture on natural philosophy and political economy 
from the lips of a monkey; although he took occa 
sion to intimate that no desire to learn anything 
lay at the bottom of his compliance ; for, in his 
country, these matters were very generally studied 
in the district schools, the very children who ran 
about the streets of * Stunin'tun* usually knowing 
more than most of the old people in foreign parts. 
" Still a monkey might have some new ideas ; and, 
for his part, he was willing to hear what every 
one had to say; for, if a man did'nt put in a word 
for himself, in this world, he might be certain no 
one else would take the pains to speak for him." 
But when I came to mention the details of the 
programme of the forthcoming interview, and 
stated that it was expected the audience would 
wear their own skins, out of respect to the ladies, 
I greatly feared that my friend would have so far 
excited himself as to go into fits. The rough old 
sealer swore some terrible oaths, protesting " that 
he would not make a monkey of .himself, by ap 
pearing in this garb, for all the monikin philoso 
phers, or high-born females, that could be stowed 
in a ship's hold ; that he was very liable to take 
cold ; that he once knew a man who undertook to 
play beast in this- manner, and the first thing the 
poor devil knew, he had great claws and a tail 
sprouting out of him ; a circumstance that he had 
always attributed to a just judgment for striving 
to make himself more than Providence had intend 
ed him for; that, provided a man's ears were 
naked, he could hear just as well as if his whole 
body was naked ; that he did jiot complain of the 
monkeys going in their skins, and that they ought, 
in reason, not to meddle with his clothes ; that he 
VOL. I. 13 


should be scratching himself the whole time, and 
thinking what a miserable figure he cut ; that he 
would have no place to keep his tobacco; that he 
was apt to be deaf when he was cold ; that he 

would be d d if he did any such thing ; that 

human natur' and monkey natur' were not the same, 
and it was not to be expected that men and mon 
keys should follow exactly the same fashions; that 
the meeting would have the appearance of a box 
ing-match, instead of a philosophical lecture ; that 
he never heard of such a thing at Stunin'tun ; that 
he should feel sneaking at seeing his own shins in 
the presence of ladies ; that a ship always made 
better weather under some canvas, than under 
bare poles ; that he might possibly be brought to 
his shirt and pantaloons, but as for giving up these, 
he would as soon think of cutting the sheet-anchor 
off his bows, with the vessel driving on a lee-shore; 
that flesh and blood were flesh and blood, and they 
liked their comfort; that he should think the whole 
time he was about to go in a swimming, and 
should be looking about for a good place to dive;" 
together with a great many more similar objec 
tions, that have escaped me in the multitude of 
things of greater interest which have since occu 
pied my time. I have frequently had occasion to 
observe, that, when a man has one good, solid 
reason for his decision, it is no easy matter to 
shake it; but, that he who has a great many, 
usually finds them of far less account in the 
struggle of opinions. Such proved to be the fact 
with Captain Poke on the present occasion. I suc 
ceeded in stripping him of his garments, one by 
one, until I got him reduced to the shirt, where, 
like a stout ship that is easily brought to her 
bearings by the breeze, he * stuck and hung' in 
a manner to manifest it would require a heavy 
strain to bring him down any lower. A lucky 


thought relieved us all from the dilemma. There 
were a couple of good large bison-skins among 
my effects, and on suggesting to Dr. Reasono the 
expediency of encasing Captain Poke in the folds 
of one of them, the philosopher cheerfully assented, 
observing that any object of a natural and simple 
formation was agreeable to the monikin senses ; 
their objections were merely to the deformities of 
art, which they deemed to be so many offences 
against Providence. On this explanation, I ven 
tured to hint that, being still in the infancy of the 
new civilization, it would be very agreeable to my 
ancient habits, could I be permitted to use one of 
the skins, also, while Mr. Poke occupied the other. 
Not the slightest objection was raised to the pro 
posal, and measures were immediately taken to 
prepare us to appear in good company. Soon 
after I received from Dr. Reasono a protocol of 
the conditions that were to regulate the approach 
ing interview. This document was .written in 
Latin, out of respect to the ancients, and as I after 
wards understood, it was drawn up .by my Lord 
Chatterino, who had been educated for the diplo 
matic career at home, previously to the accident 
which had thrown him, alas ! into human hands. I 
translate it freely, for the benefit of the ladies, who 
usually prefer their own tongues to any others. 

PROTOCOL of an interview that is to take place 
between Sir John Goldencalf, Bart., of House 
holder Hall, in the kingdom of Great Britain, and 
No. 22,817, brown-study-colour, or Socrates Rea 
sono, F. U. D. G. E., Professor of Probabilities in 
the University of Monikinia, and in the kingdom 
of Leaphigh : 

The contracting parties agree as follows, viz. 
ARTICLE 1. That there shall be an interview. 


ART. 2. That the said interview shall be a peace 
able interview, and not a belligerent interview. 

ART. 3. That the said interview shall be logical, 
explanatory, and discursory. 

ART. 4. That during said interview, Dr. Rea- 
sono shall have the privilege of speaking most, 
and Sir John Goldencalf 'the privilege of hearing 

ART. 5. That Sir John Goldencalf shall have 
the privilege of asking questions, and Dr. Reasono 
the privilege of answering them. 

ART. 6. That a due regard shall be had to both 
human and monikin prejudices and sensibilities. 

ART. 7. That Dr. Reasono, and any monikins 
who may accompany him, shall smooth their coats, 
and otherwise dispose of their natural vestments, 
in a way that shall be as. agreeable as possible to 
Sir John Goldencalf and his friend. 

ART. 8. That Sir John Goldencalf, and any man 
who may accompany him, shall appear in bison- 
skins, wearing no other clothing, in order to render 
themselves as agreeable as possible to Dr. Reasono 
and his friends. 

ART. 9. That the conditions of this protocol shall 
be respected. 

ART. 10. That any doubtful significations in this 
protocol shall be interpreted, as near as may be, in 
favor of both parties. 

ART. 11. That no precedent shall be established 
to the prejudice of either the human or the moni 
kin dialect, by the adoption of the Latin language 
on this occasion. 

Delighted with this proof of attention on the part 
of my Lord Chatterino, I immediately left a card 
for that young nobleman, and then seriously set 
about preparing myself, with an increased scrupu- 


lousness, for the fulfilment of the smallest condition 
of the compact. Capt. Poke was soon ready, and 
I must say that he looked more like a quadruped 
on its hind legs, in his new attire, than a human 
being. As for my own appearance, I trust it was 
such as became -my station and character. 

At the appointed time all the parties were as 
sembled, Lord Chatterino appearing with a copy 
of the protocol in his hand. This instrument was 
formally read, by the young peer, in a very cred 
itable manner, when a silence ensued, as if to in 
vite comment. I know not how it is, but I never 
yet heard the positive stipulations of any bargain, 
that I did not feel a propensity to look out for 
weak places in them. I had begun to see that 
the discussion might lead to argument, argument 
to comparisons between the two species, and 
something like an esprit de corps was stirring within 
me. It now struck me that a question might be 
fairly raised as to the propriety of Dr. Reasono's 
appearing with three backers, while I had but one. 
The objection was, therefore, urged on my part, I' 
hope in a modest and conciliatory manner. In 
reply, my Lord Chatterino observed, it was true 
the protocol spoke in general terms of mutual sup 
porters, but if 

" Sir John Goldencalf would be at the trouble 
of referring to the instrument itself, he would see 
that the backers of Dr. Reasono were mentioned in 
the plural number, while that of Sir John himself 
was alluded to only in the singular number." 

" Perfectly true, my Lord ; but you will, how 
ever, permit me to remark, that two Monikins 
would completely fulfil the conditions in favor of 
Dr. Reasono, while he appears here with three ; 
there certainly must be some limits to this plurality, 
or the Doctor would have a right to attend the 


interview accompanied by all the inhabitants of 

" The objection is highly ingenious, and credit 
able in the last degree to the diplomatic abilities 
of Sir John Goldencalf ; but, among monikins, two 
females are deemed equal to only one male, in the 
eye of the law. Thus, in cases which require two 
witnesses, as in conveyances of real estate, two 
male monikins are sufficient, whereas it would 
be necessary to have four female signatures, in 
order -to give the instrument validity. In the legal 
sense, therefore, I conceive that Dr. Reasono is 
attended by only two monikins." 

Captain Poke hereupon observed that this pro 
vision in the law of Leaphigh was a good one; for 
he had often had occasion to remark that women, 
quite half the time, did not know what they were 
about; and he thought, in general, that they require 
more ballast than men. 

" This reply would completely cover the case, 
my Lord," I answered, " were the protocol purely 
a monikin document, and this assembly purely a 
monikin assembly. But the facts are notoriously 
otherwise. The document is drawn up in a com 
mon vehicle of thought among scholars, and I 
gladly seize the opportunity to add, that I do not 
remember to have seen a better specimen of mo 
dern latinity." 

" It is undeniable, Sir John," returned Lord 
Chatterino, waving his tail in acknowledgment of 
the compliment, "that the protocol itself, is in a 
language that has now become common property ; 
but the mere medium of thought, on such occa 
sions, is of no great moment, provided it is neu 
tral as respects the contracting parties ; moreover, 
in this particular case, article llth of the protocol 
contains a stipulation that no legal consequence* 


whatever are to follow the use of the Latin lan 
guage; a stipulation that leaves the contracting par 
ties in possession of their original rights. Now, 
as the lecture is to be a monikin lecture, given 
by a monikin philosopher, and on monikin grounds, 
I humbly urge that it is proper the interview should 
generally be conducted on monikin principles." 

" If by monikin grounds, is meant monikin 
ground, (which I have a right to assume, since 
the greater necessarily includes the less,) I beg 
leave to remind your Lordship, that the parties 
are, at this moment, in a neutral country, and 
that, if either of them can set up a claim of, terri 
torial jurisdiction, or the rights of the flag, these 
claims must be admitted to be human, since the 
locataire of this apartment is a man, in control of 
the locus in quo, and pro hac vice, the suzerain." 

" Your ingenuity has greatly exceeded my con 
struction, Sir John, and I beg leave to amend my 
plea. All I mean is, that the leading consideration 
in this interview, is a monikin interest that we 
are met to propound, explain, digest, animadvert 
on, and embellish a monikin theme that the 
accessory must be secondary to the principal 
that the lesser must merge, not in your sense, but 
in my sense, in the greater- and, by consequence, 
that " 

"You will accord me your pardon, my dear 
Lord, but I hold " 

" Nay, my good Sir John, I trust to your intel 
ligence to be excused if I say " 

" One word, my Lord Chatterino, I pray you, 
in order that " 

"A thousand, very cheerfully, Sir John, but " 

"My Lord Chatterino !" 

"Sir John Goldencalf!" 


Hereupon we both began talking at the same 
time, the noble young monikin gradually nar 
rowing down the direction of his observations to 
the single person of Mrs. Vigilance Lynx, who, I 
afterwards had occasion to know, was an excel 
lent listener ; and I, in my turn, after wandering 
from eye to eye, settled down into a sort of ora 
tion that was especially addressed to the under 
standing of Captain Noah Poke. My auditor 
contrived to get one ear entirely clear of 'the 
bison's skin, and nodded approbation of what fell 
from me, with a proper degree of human and 
clannish spirit. We might possibly have harangued 
in this desultory manner, to the present time, had 
not the amiable Chatterissa advanced, and, with 
the tact and delicacy which distinguish her sex, 
by placing her pretty patte on the mouth 'of the 
young nobleman, she effectually checked his volu 
bility. When a horse is running away, he usually 
comes to a dead stop, after driving through lanes, 
and gates, and turnpikes, the moment he finds 
himself master of his own movements, in an open 
field. Thus, in my own case, no sooner did I find 
myself in sole possession of the argument, than I 
brought it to a close. Dr. Reasono improved the 
pause, to introduce a proposition that, the experi 
ment already made by myself and Lord Chatterino 
being evidently a failure, he and Mr. Poke should 
retire and make an effort to agree upon an en 
tirely new programme of the proceedings. This 
happy thought suddenly restored peace; and, while 
the two negotiators were absent, I improved the 
opportunity to become better acquainted with the 
lovely Chatterissa and her female Mentor. Lord 
Chatterino, who possessed all the graces of diplo 
macy, who could turn from a hot and angry dis 
cussion, on the instant, to the most bland and win- 


ning courtesy, was foremost in promoting my 
wishes, inducing his charming mistress to throw 
aside the reserve of a short acquaintance, and to 
enter, at once, into a free and friendly discourse. 
Some time elapsed before the plenipotentiaries 
returned ; for it appears that, owing to a constitu 
tional peculiarity, or, as he subsequently explained 
it himself, a * Stunin'tun principle/ Captain Poke 
conceived he was bound, in a bargain, to dispute 
every proposition which came from the other party. 
This difficulty would probably have proved insu 
perable, had not Dr. Reasono luckily bethought 
him of a frank and liberal proposal to leave every 
other article, without reserve, to the sole dictation 
of his colleague, reserving to himself the same 
privilege for all the rest. Noah, after being well 
assured that the philosopher was no lawyer, as 
sented ; and the affair, once begun in this spirit 
of concession, was soon brought to a close. And 
here I would recommend this happy expedient to 
all negotiators of knotty and embarrassing treaties, 
since it enables each party to gain his point, and 
probably leaves as few openings for subsequent 
disputes, as any other mode that has yet been 
adopted. The new instrument ran as follows, it 
having been written, in duplicate, in English and in 
Monikin. It will be seen that the pertinacity of 
one of the negotiators gave it very much the cha 
racter of a capitulation. 

PROTOCOL of an interview, &c. &c. &c. 

The contracting parties agree as follows, viz. 

ARTICLE 1. There shall be an interview. 

ART. 2. Agreed; provided all the parties can 
come and go at pleasure. 

ART. 3. The said interview shall be conducted, 
generally, on philosophical and liberal principles. 


ART. 4. Agreed; provided tobacco may be used 
at discretion. 

ART. 5. That either party shall have the privi 
lege of propounding questions, and either party 
the privilege of answering them. 

ART. 6. Agreed; provided no one need listen, 
or no one talk, unless so disposed. 

ART. 7. The attire of all present shall be con 
formable to the abstract rules of propriety and 

ART. 8. Agreed ; provided the bison-skins may 
be reefed, from time to time, according to the 
state of the weather. 

ART. 9. The provisions of this protocol shall be 
rigidly respected. 

ART. 10. Agreed ; provided no advantage be 
taken by lawyers. 

Lord Chatterino and myself pounced upon the 
respective documents like two hawks, eagerly 
looking for flaws, or the means of maintaining the 
opinions we had before advanced, and which w r e 
had both shown so much cleverness in supporting. 

" Why, my Lord, there is no provision for the 
appearance of any Monikins at all at this inter 
view !" 

" The generality of the terms leaves it to be 
inferred that all may come and go who may be so 

" Your pardon, my Lord ; article 8 contains a 
direct allusion to bison-skins in the plural, arid 
under circumstances from which it follows, by a 
just deduction, that it was contemplated that more 
than one wearer of the said skins should be present 
at the said interview." 

"Perfectly just, Sir John; but you will suffer 
me to observe that by article 1, it is conditioned 


that there shall be an interview; and by article 3, 
it is furthermore agreed that the said interview 
shall be conducted ' on philosophical and liberal 
principles ;' now, it need scarcely be urged, good 
Sir John, that it would be the extreme of illiberality 
to deny to one party any privilege that was pos 
sessed by the other." 

" Perfectly just, my Lord, were this an affair 
of mere courtesy ; but legal constructions must be 
made on legal principles, or .else, as jurists and 
diplomatists, we are all afloat on the illimitable 
ocean of conjecture." 

" And yet article 10 expressly stipulates that 
'no advantage shall be taken by lawyers.' By 
considering articles 3, and 10, profoundly and in 
conjunction, we learn that it was the intention of 
the negotiators to spread the mantle of liberality, 
apart from all the subtilties and devices of mere 
legal practitioners, over the whole proceedings. 
Permit me, in corroboration of what is now urged, 
to appeal to the voices of those who. framed the 
very conditions about which we are now arguing. 
Did you, sir," continued my Lord Chatterino, 
turning to Captain Poke, with emphasis and dig 
nity ; " did you, sir, when you drew up this cele 
brated article 10 did you deem that you were 
publishing authority of which the- lawyers could 
take advantage ?" 

A deep and very sonorous " No," was the ener 
getic reply of Mr. Poke. 

My Lord Chatterino, then turning, with equal 
grace, to the Doctor, first diplomatically waving 
his tail three times, continued : 

" And you, sir, in drawing up article 3 did you 
conceive that you were supporting and promul 
gating illiberal principles ?" 

The question was met by a prompt negative; 


when the young noble paused, and looked at me, 
like one who had completely triumphed. 

" Perfectly eloquent, completely convincing, irre 
futably argumentative, and unanswerably just, my 
Lord," I put in ; " but I must be permitted to hint 
that the validity of all laws is derived from the 
enactment : now the enactment, or, in the case of 
a treaty, the virtue of the stipulation, is not derived 
from the intention of the party who may happen 
to draw up a law or a clause, but from the assent 
of the legal deputies: In the present instance, there 
are two negotiators, and I now ask permission to 
address a few questions to them, reversing the 
order of your own interrogatories; and the result 
may possibly furnish a clue to the quo animo, in a 
new light." Addressing the philosopher, I conti 
nued "Did you, sir, in assenting to article 10, 
imagine that you were defeating justice, counte 
nancing oppression, and succouring might to the 
injury of right?" 

The answer was a solemn, and, I do not doubt, 
a very conscientious, " No." 

"And you, sir," turning to Captain Poke, "did 
you, in assenting to article 3, in the least conceive 
that, by any possibility, the foes of humanity could 
torture your approbation into the means of deter 
mining that the bison-skin wearers were not to be 
upon a perfect footing with the best Monikins of 
the land?" 

"Blast me, if I did!" 

" But, Sir John Goldencalf, the Socratic method 

of reasoning " 

" Was first resorted to by yourself, my Lord " 

" Nay, good Sir " 

" Permit me, my dear Lord " 

" Sir John " 

" My Lord " 


Hereupon the gentle Chatterissa again advanced, 
and by another timely interposition of her graceful 
tact, she succeeded in preventing the reply. The 
parallel of the runaway horse was acted over, 
and I came to another stand-still. Lord Chat- 
terino now gallantly proposed that the whole affair 
should be referred, with full powers, to the ladies. 
I could not refuse; and the plenipotentiaries retired, 
under a growling accompaniment of Captain Poke, 
who pretty plainly declared that women caused 
more quarrels than all the rest of the world, and, 
from the little he had seen, he expected it would 
turn out the same with monikinas. 

The female sex certainly possess a facility of 
composition that is denied our portion of the crea 
tion. In an incredibly short time, the referees 
returned with the following programme. 

PROTOCOL of an interview between, &c. &c. 

The contracting parties agree as follows, viz. 

ARTICLE 1. There shall be an amicable, logical, 
philosophical, ethical, liberal, general, and contro 
versial interview. 

ART. 2. The interview shall be amicable 

ART. 3. The interview shall be general. 

ART. 4. The interview shall be logical. 

ART. 5. The interview shall be ethical. 

ART. 6. The interview shall be philosophical. 

ART. 7. The interview shall be liberal. 

ART. 8. The interview shall be controversial. 

ART. 9. The interview shall be controversial, 
liberal, philosophical, ethical, logical, general, and 

ART. 10. The interview shall be as particularly 
agreed upon. 

VOL. I. 14 


The cat does not leap upon the mouse with more 
avidity than Lord Chatterino and myself pounced 
upon the third protocol, seeking new grounds for 
the argument that each was resolved on. 

"Auguste ! cher Augusts !" exclaimed the lovely 
Chatterissa, in the prettiest Parisian accent I 
thought I had ever heard " Pour moi !" 

"A moi! Monseigneur," I put in, flourishing my 
copy of the protocol I was checked in the midst 
of this controversial ardor, by a tug at the bison- 
skin ; when, casting a look behind me, I saw Cap 
tain Poke winking and making other signs that he 
wished to say a word in a corner. 

" I think, Sir John," observed the worthy sealer, 
" if we ever mean to let this bargain come to a catas 
trophe, it might as well be done now. The females 
have been cunning, but the deuce is in it if we 
can't weather upon two women before the matter 
is well over. In Stunin'tun, when it is thought 
best to accommodate proposals, why we object 
and raise a breeze in the beginning, but towards 
the end we kinder soften and mollify, or else trade 
would come to a stand. The hardest gale must 
blow its pipe out. Trust to me to floor the best 
argument the best monkey of them all can agi 
tate !" 

" This matter is getting serious, Noah, and I am 
filled with an esprit, de corps. Do you not begin 
yourself to feel human?" 

" Kinder ; but more bisonish than any thing 
else. Let them go on, Sir John ; and, when the 
time comes, we will take them aback, or set me 
down as a pettifogger." 

The Captain winked knowingly; and I began to 
see that there was some sense in his opinion. On 
rejoining our friends, or allies, I scarce know 
which to call them, I found that the amiable Chat- 


terissa had equally calmed the diplomatic ardor of 
her lover, again; and we now met on the best pos 
sible terms. The protocol was accepted by accla 
mation ; and preparations were instantly com 
menced for the lecture of Dr. Reasono. 


A philosophy that is bottomed on something substantial 
Some reasons plainly presented, and cavilling objections 
put to flight, by a charge of logical bayonets. 

DR. REASONO was quite as reasonable, in the per 
sonal embellishments of his lyceum, as any public 
lecturer I remember to have seen, who was requir 
ed to execute his functions in the presence of ladies. 
If I say that his coat had been brushed, his tail 
newly curled, and that his air was a little more than 
usually " solemnized," as Captain Poke described 
it in a decent whisper, I believe all will be said 
that is either necessary or true. He placed him 
self behind a footstool, which served as a table, 
smoothed its covering a little with his paws, and 
at once proceeded to business. It may be well to 
add that he lectured without notes, and, as the 
subject did not immediately call for experiments, 
without any apparatus. 

Waving his tail towards the different parts of 
the room in which his audience were seated, the 
philosopher commenced. 

"As the present occasion, my hearers," he said, 
4< is one of those accidental calls upon science, to 
which all belonging to the academies are liable, 
and does not demand more than the heads of our 
thesis to be explained, I shall not dig into the roots 


of the subject, but limit myself to such general 
remarks as may serve to furnish the outlines of our 
philosophy, natural, moral and political " 

" How, sir," I cried, " have you a political as 
well as a moral philosophy ?" 

" Beyond a question ; and a very useful philoso 
phy it is. No interests require more philosophy 
than those connected with politics. To resume, 
our philosophy, natural, moral and political, reserv- 

ing most of the propositions, demonstrations, and 
corollaries, for greater leisure, and a more ad 
vanced state of information in the class. Pre 
scribing to myself these salutary limits, therefore, I 
shall begin only with Nature. 

" Nature is a term that we use to express the 
pervading and governing principle of created 
things. It is known both as a generic and a specific 
term, signifying in the former character the ele 
ments and combinations of omnipotence, as applied 
to matter in general, and in the latter, its particu 
lar subdivisions, in connexion with matter in its 
infinite varieties. It is moreover subdivided into its 
physical and moral attributes, which admit also 
of the two grand distinctions just named. Thus, 
when we say Nature, in the abstract, meaning 
physically, we would be understood as alluding to 
those general, uniform, absolute, consistent, and 
beautiful laws, which control and render harmo 
nious, as a great whole, the entire action, affini 
ties, and destinies of the universe ; and when we 
say Nature in the speciality, we would be under 
stood to speak of the nature of a rock, of a tree, 
of air, fire, water, and land. Again ; in alluding 
to a moral Nature in the abstract, we mean sin, 
and its weaknesses, its attractions, its deformities ; 
in a word, its totality ; while, on the other hand, 
when we use the term, in this sense, under the 

THE MOfflKINS. 161 

limits of a speciality, we confine its signification 
to the particular shades of natural qualities that 
mark the precise object named. Let us illustrate 
our positions by a few brief examples* 

" When we say ' O Nature ! how art thou glo 
rious, sublime, instructive!' we mean that her 
laws emanate from a power of infinite intelligence 
and perfection ; and when we say * O Nature ! 
how art thou frail, vain and insufficient!' we mean 
that she is, after all, but a secondary quality, infe 
rior to that which brought her into existence, for 
definite, limited, and, doubtless, useful purposes. 
In these examples, we treat the principle in the 

" The examples of nature in the speciality will 
be more familiar, and, although in no degree more 
true, will be better understood by the generality 
of my auditors. Especial nature, in the physical 
signification, is apparent to the senses, and is 
betrayed in the outward forms of things, through 
their force, magnitude, substance, and proportions ; 
and, in its more mysterious properties, to examina 
tion, by their laws, harmony, and action. Espe 
cial moral nature is denoted in the different pro 
pensities, capacities and conduct of the different 
classes of all moral beings. In this latter sense 
we have monikin nature, dog nature, horse nature, 
hog nature, human nature -" 

" Permit me, Dr. Reasono," I interrupted, " to 
inquire if, by this classification, you intend to con 
vey more than may be understood by the accidental 
arrangement of your examples ?" 

" Purely the latter, I do assure you, Sir John." 

" And do you admit the great distinctions of 
animal and vegetable natures'?" 

" Our academies are divided on this point. One 
school contends that all living nature is to be em- 


braced in a great comprehensive genus, while 
another admits of the distinctions you have named. 
I am of the latter opinion, inclining to the belief 
that Nature herself has drawn the line between 
the two classes, by bestowing on one the double 
gift of the moral and physical nature, and by with 
holding the former from the other. The existence 
of the moral nature is denoted by the presence of 
the will. The academy of Leaphigh has made an 
elaborate classification of all the known animals, 
of which the sponge is at the bottom of the list, 
and the monikin at the top." 

" Sponges are commonly uppermost," growled 

" Sir," said I, with a disagreeable rising at the 
throat, " am I to understand that your savans 
account man an animal in a middle state between 
a sponge and a monkey?" 

" Really, Sir John, this warmth is quite unsuited 
to philosophical discussion if you continue to 
indulge in it, I shall find myself compelled to 
postpone the lecture." 

At this rebuke I made a successful effort to 
restrain myself, although my esprit de corps nearly 
choked me. Intimating, as well as I could, a 
change of purpose, Dr. Reasono, who had stood 
suspended over his table with an air of doubt, 
waved his tail, and proceeded : 

" Sponges, oysters, crabs, sturgeons, clams, toads, 
snakes, lizards, skunks, opossums, ant-eaters, ba 
boons, negroes, wood-chucks, lions, esquimaux, 
sloths, hogs, hottentots, ourang-outangs, men and 
monikins are, beyond a question, all animals. The 
only disputed point among us is, whether they are 
all of the same genus, forming varieties or species, 
or whether they are to be divided into the three 
great families of the improvabks., the unimprvva- 


bles t and the relrogressives. They who maintain 
that we form but one great family, reason by cer 
tain conspicuous analogies, that serve as so many 
links to unite the great chain of the animal world. 
Taking man as a centre, for instance, they show 
that this creature possesses, in common with every 
other creature, some observable property. Thus, 
man is, in one particular, like a sponge; in another, 
he is like an oyster; a hog is like a man; the skunk 
has one peculiarity of a man ; the ourang-outang 
another ; the sloth another " 


" And so on, to the end of the chapter. This 
school of philosophers, while it has been very 
ingeniously supported, is not, however, the one 
most in favor, just at this moment, in the academy 
of Leaphigh " 

" Just at this moment, Doctor !" 

" Certainly, sir. Do you not know that truths, 
physical as well as moral, undergo their revolu 
tions, the same as all created nature? The acade 
my has paid great attention to this subject ; and 
it "issues annually an almanack, in which the dif 
ferent phases, the revolutions, the periods, the 
eclipses, whether partial or total, the distances 
from the centre of light, the apogee and perigee of 
all the more prominent truths, are calculated, with 
singular accuracy; and by the aid of which the 
cautious are enabled to keep themselves, as near 
as possible, within the bounds of reason. We 
deem this effort of the monikin mind as the sub- 
limest of all its inventions, and as furnishing the 
strongest known evidence of its near approach to 
the consummation of our earthly destiny. This 
is not the place to dwell on that particular point 
of our philosophy, however ; and, for the present, 
we will postpone the subject." 


"Yet you will permit me, Dr. Reasono, in virtue 
of clause 1, article 5, protocol No, 1, (which pro- 
toco/, if not absolutely adopted, must be supposed 
to contain the spirit of that which was,) to inquire 
whether the calculations of the revolutions of truth, 
do not lead to dangerous moral extravagancies, 
ruinous speculations in ideas, and serve to unsettle 
society ?" 

The philosopher withdrew a moment with my 
Lord Chatterino, to consult whether it would be 
prudent to admit of the validity of protocol No. 1, 
even in this indirect manner ; whereupon it was de 
cided between them, that, as such admission would 
lay open all the vexatious questions that had just 
been so happily disposed of, clause 1 of article 5 
having a direct connexion with clause 2 ; clauses 
1 and 2 forming the whole article ; and the said 
article 5, in its entirety, forming an integral por 
tion of the whole instrument ; and the doctrine of 
constructions enjoining that instruments are to be 
construed, like wills, by their general, and not by 
their especial, tendencies, it would be dangerous 
to the objects of the interview to allow the appli 
cation to be granted. But, reserving a protest 
against the concession being interpreted into a 
precedent, it might be well to concede that, as an 
act of courtesy, which was denied as a right. 
Hereupon, Dr. Reasono informed me that these 
calculations of the revolutions of truth did lead to 
certain moral extravagancies, and in many in 
stances to ruinous speculations in ideas ; that the 
academy of Leaphigh, and so far as his informa- 

to manage, the most likely to be abused, and the 
most dangerous to promulgate. I was moreover 


promised, at a future day, some illustrations of 
this branch of the subject. 

" To pursue the more regular thread of my lec 
ture," continued Dr. Reasono, when he had po 
litely made this little digression, " we now divide 
these portions of the created world into animated 
and vegetable nature ; the former is again divided 
into the improvable and the unimprovable, and the 
retrogressive. The improvable embraces all those 
species which are marching, by slow, progressive, 
but immutable mutations, towards the perfection 
of terrestrial life, or to that last, elevated, and 
sublime condition of mortality, in which the mate 
rial makes its final struggle with the immaterial 
mind with matter. The improvable class of ani 
mals, agreeably to the monikin dogmas, com 
mences with those species in which matter has 
the most unequivocal ascendency, and terminates 
with those in which mind is as near perfection as 
this mortal coil will allow. We hold that mind 
and matter, in that mysterious union which con 
nects the spiritual with the physical being, com 
mence in the medium state, undergoing, not, as 
some men have pretended, transmigrations of the 
soul only, but such gradual and imperceptible 
changes of both soul and body, as have peopled 
the world with so many wonderful beings ; won 
derful, mentally and physically ; and all of which 
(meaning all of the improvable class) are no more 
than animals of the same great genus, on the high 
road of tendencies, who are advancing towards 
the last stage of improvement, previously to their 
final translation to another planet, and a new exist 

"The retrogressive class is composed of those spe 
cimens which, owing to their destiny, take a false 
direction; which, instead of tending to the immate- 


rial, tend to the material ; which gradually become 
more and more under the influence of matter, until, 
by a succession of physical translations, the will is 
eventually lost, and they become incorporated with 
the earth itself. Under this last transformation, 
these purely materialized beings are chymically 
analyzed in the great laboratory of nature, and 
their component parts are separated : thus the 
bones become rocks, the flesh earth, the spirits air, 
the blood water, the grizzle clay, and the ashes of 
the will are converted into the element of fire. In 
this class we enumerate whales, elephants, hippo 
potami, and divers other brutes, which visibly ex 
hibit accumulations of matter that must speedily 
triumph over the less material portions of their na 

" And yet, Doctor, there are facts that militate 
against the theory; the elephant, for instance, is 
accounted one of the most intelligent of all the 

" A mere false demonstration, sir. Nature de 
lights in these little equivocations : thus, we have 
false suns, false rainbows, false prophets, false vision, 
and even false philosophy. There are entire races 
of both our species, too, as the Congo and the Es 
quimaux, for yours, and baboons and the common 
monkeys, that inhabit various parts of the world 
possessed by the human species, for ours, which are 
mere shadows of the forms and qualities that pro 
perly distinguish the animal in its state of perfec 

" How, sir ; are you not, then, of the same fami 
ly as all the other monkeys that we see hopping 
and skipping about the streets ?" 

" No more, sir, than you are of the same family 
as the flat-nosed, thick-lipped, low-browed, ink- 
skinned negro, or the squalid, passionless, brutalized 


Esquimaux. I have said that nature delights in 
vagaries ; and all these are no more than some of 
her mistifications. Of this class is the elephant, 
who, while verging nearest to pure materialism, 
makes a deceptive parade of the quality he is fast 
losing. Instances of this species of playing trumps, 
if I may so express it, are common in all classes 
of beings. How often, for instance, do men, just 
as they are about to fail, make a parade of wealth, 
women seem obdurate an hour before they capitu 
late, and diplomatists call Heaven to be a witness 
of their resolutions to the contrary, the day before 
they sign and seal ! In the case of the elephant, 
however, there is a slight exception to the general 
rule, which is founded on an extraordinary struggle 
between mind and matter, the former making an 
effort that is unusual, and which may be said to 
form an exception to the ordinary warfare between 
these two principles, as it is commonly conducted 
in the retrogressive class of animals. The most 
infallible sign of the triumph of mind over matter, 
is in the development of the tail " 


" Of the tail, Dr. Reasono ?" 

" By all means, sir, that seat of reason, the tail ! 
Pray, Sir John, what other portion of our frames 
did you imagine was indicative of intellect ?" 

"Among men, Dr. Reasono, it is commonly 
thought the head is the more honorable member, 
and, of late, we have made analytical maps of this 
part of our physical formation, by which it is pre 
tended to know the breadth and length of a moral 
quality, no less than its boundaries." 

" You have made the best use of your materials, 
such as they were, and I dare say the map in ques 
tion, all things considered, is a very clever perform 
ance. But in the complication and abstruseness of 


this very moral chart (one of which I perceive 
standing on your mantel-piece,) you may learn the 
confusion which still reigns over the human intel 
lect. Now, in regarding us, you can understand 
the very converse of your dilemma. How much 
easier, for instance, is it to take a yard-stick, and 
by a simple admeasurement of a tail, come to a 
sound, obvious and incontrovertible conclusion as 
to the extent of the intellect of the specimen, than 
by the complicated, contradictory, self-balancii ; 
and questionable process to which you are reduced ! 
Were there only this fact, it would abundantly es 
tablish the higher moral condition of the monikin 
race, as it is compared with that of man." 

" Dr. Reasono, am I to understand that the mon 
ikin family seriously entertain a position so extrav 
agant as this : that a monkey is a creature more 
intellectual and more highly civilized than man ?" 

" Seriously, good Sir John ! Why you are the 
first respectable person it has been my fortune to 
meet, who has even affected to doubt the fact. It 
is well known that both belong to the improveable 
class of animals, and that monkeys, as you are 
pleased to term us, were once men, with all their 
passions, weaknesses, inconsistencies, modes of phi 
losophy, unsound ethics, frailties, incongruities and 
subserviency to matter ; that they passed into the 
monikin state by degrees, and that large divisions 
of them are constantly evaporating into the imma 
terial world, completely spiritualized and free from 
the dross of flesh. I do not mean in what is call 
ed death for that is no more than an occasional 
deposit of matter to be resumed in a new aspect, 
and with a nearer approach to the grand results, 
(whether of the improveable or of the retrogressive 
classes;) but those final mutations which transfer 
us to another planet, to enjoy a higher state of be- 

THE MO tf I KINS. 169 

_. -, mj ai&..i : .-;., " V 

ing, and leaving us always on the high road to 
wards final excellence." 

" All this is very ingenious, sir ; but, before you 
can persuade me into the belief that man is an ani 
mal inferior to a monkey, Dr. Reasono, you will 
allow me to say that you must prove it." 

" Ay, ay, or me, either," put in Captain Poke, 

" Were I to cite my proofs, gentlemen," contin 
ued the philosopher, whose spirit appeared to be 
much less moved by our doubts than ours were by 
his position " I should, in the first place, refer you 
to history. All the monikin writers are agreed in 
recording the gradual translation of the species 
from the human family " 

" This may do very well, sir, for the latitude of 
Leaphigh, but permit me to say that no human his 
torian, from Moses down to Buffon, has ever taken 
such a view of our respective races. There is not 
a word in any of all these writers on the subject." 

' How should there be, sir ? History is not a 
prediction, but a record of the past. Their silence 
is so much negative proof in our favor. Does 
Tacitus, for instance, speak of the French revolu 
tion ? Is not Herodotus silent on the subject of the 
independence of the American continent ? or do 
any of the Greek and Roman writers give us the 
annals of Stunin'tun, a city whose foundations 
were most probably laid some time after the com 
mencement of the Christian era ? It is morally 
impossible that men or monikins can faithfully re 
late events that have never happened; and as it has 
never yet happened to any man, who is still a man, 
to be translated to the monikin state of being, it 
follows, as a necessary consequence, that he can 
know nothing about it. If you want historical 
proofs, therefore, of what I say, you must search 

VOL. I. 15 


the monikin annals for the evidence. There it is to 
be found, with an infinity of curious details ; and I 
trust the time is not far distant, when I shall have 
great pleasure in pointing out to you some of 
the most approved chapters of our best writers 
on this subject. But we are not confined to the 
testimony of history, in establishing our condition 
to be of the secondary formation. The internal 
evidence is triumphant : we appeal to our simplici 
ty, our philosophy, the state of the arts among us ; 
in short, to all those concurrent proofs which are 
dependent on the highest possible state of civiliza 
tion. In addition to this, we have the infallible 
testimony which is to be derived from the develop 
ment of our tails. Our system of caudology is, in 
itself, a triumphant proof of the high improvement 
of the monikin reason." 

" Do I comprehend you aright, Dr. Reasono, 
when I understand your system of caudology, or 
tailology, to render it into the vernacular, to dog 
matize on the possibility that the seat of reason in 
a man, which to day is certainly in his brains, can 
ever descend into a tail ?' 

" If you deem development, improvement and 
simplification, a descent, beyond a question, sir. 
But your figure is a bad one, Sir John ; for ocular 
demonstration is before you, that a monikin can 
carry his tail as high as a man can possibly carry 
his head. Our species, in this sense, is morally 
nicked ; and it costs us no effort to be on a level 
with human kings. We hold, with you, that the 
brain is the seat of reason, while the animal is in 
what we call the human probation, but that it is a 
reason undeveloped, imperfect and confused ; cased, 
as it were, in an envelope unsuited to its functions; 
but that, as it gradually oozes out of this straitened 
receptacle, towards the base of the animal, it ac- 


quires solidity, lucidity, and, finally, by elongation 
and development, point. If you examine the human 
brain, you will find it, though capable of being 
stretched to a great length, compressed in a dimi 
nutive compass, involved and snarled ; whereas the 
same physical portion of the genus gets simplicity, 
a beginning and an end, a directness and consecutive- 
ness, that are necessary to logic, and, as has just 
been mentioned, a point, in the monikin seat of rea 
son, which, by all analogy, go to prove the supe 
riority of the animal possessing advantages so 

" Nay, sir, if you come to analogies, they will be 
found to prove more than you may wish. In vege 
tation, for instance, saps ascend for the purposes 
of fructification and usefulness ; and, reasoning from 
the analogies of the vegetable world, it is far more 
probable that tails have ascended into brains, than 
that brains have descended into tails ; and, conse 
quently, that, men are much more likely to be an 
improvement on monkeys, than monkeys an im 
provement on men." 

I spoke with warmth, I know ; for the doctrine 
of Dr. Reasono was new to me ; and, by this time, 
my esprit de corps had pretty effectually blinded 

"You gave him a red-hot shot that time, Sir 
John," whispered Captain Poke at my elbow; " now, 
if you are so disposed, I will wring the necks of 
all these little blackguards, and throw them out of 
the window." 

I immediately intimated that any display of brute 
force would militate directly against our cause; 
as the object, just at that moment, was to be as 
immaterial as possible. 

"Well, well, manage it in your own way, Sir John, 
and I'm quite as immaterial as you can wish ; but 


should these cunning varments ra'ally get the better 
of us in the argument, I shall never dare look at Miss 
Poke, or show my face ag'in in Stunin'tun." 

This little aside was secretly conducted, while 
Dr. Reasono was drinking a glass of eau sucree ; 
but he soon returned to the subject, with the digni 
fied gravity that never forsook him. 

" Your remark touching saps has the usual savor 
of human ingenuity, blended, however, with the 
proverbial short-sightedness of the species. It is 
very true that saps ascend for the purposes of fruc 
tification ; but what is this fructification, to which 
you allude ? It is no more than a false demonstra 
tion of the energies of the plant. For all the pur 
poses of growth, life, durability, and the final 
conversion of the vegetable matter into an element, 
the root is the seat of power and authority; and, in 
particular, the tap-root above, or rather below all 
others. This tap-root may be termed the tail of 
vegetation. You may pluck fruits with impunity 
nay, you may even top all the branches, and the 
tree shall survive ; but, put the axe to the root, and 
the pride of the forest falls !" 

All this was too evidently true to be denied, and 
I felt worried and badgered ; for no man likes to be 
beaten in a discussion of this sort, and more espe 
cially by a monkey. I bethought me of the elephant, 
and determined to make one more thrust, by the 
aid of his powerful tusks, before I gave up the point. 

" I am inclined to think, Dr. Reasono," I put in 
as soon as possible, " that your savans have not 
been very happy in illustrating their theory by 
means of the elephant. This animal, besides being 
a mass of flesh, is too well provided with intellect 
to be passed off for a dunce ; and he not only has 
one, but he might almost be said to be provided 
with two tails." 


" That has been his chief misfortune, sir. Mat 
ter, in the great warfare between itself and mind, 
has gone on the principle of divide and conquer. 
You are nearer the truth than you imagined, for 
the trunk of the elephant is merely the abortion of a 
tail; and yet, you see, it contains nearly all the intelli 
gence that the animal possesses. On the subject of the 
fate of the elephant, however, theory is confirmed 
by actual experiment. Do not your geologists and 
naturalists speak of the remains of animals, which 
are no longer to be found among living things 1" 

" Certainly, sir ; the mastodon the megatherium, 
iguanodon ; and the plesiosaurus " 

" And do you not also find unequivocal evidences 
of animal matter incorporated with rocks ?" 

" This fact must be admitted, too." 

" These phenomena, as you call them, are no 
more than the final deposits which nature has made 
in the cases of those creatures in which matter has 
completely overcome its rival, mind. So soon as 
the will is entirely extinct, the being ceases to live ; 
or it is no longer an animal. It falls and reverts 
altogether to the element of matter. The processes 
of decomposition and incorporation are longer, or 
shorter, according to circumstances; and these 
fossil remains of \vhich your writers say so much, 
are merely cases that have met with accidental 
obstacles to their final decomposition. As respects 
our two species, a very cursory examination of their 
qualities ought to convince any candid mind of the 
truth of our philosophy. Thus, the physical part 
of man is much greater in proportion to the spirit 
ual, than it is in the monikin; his habits are grosser 
and less intellectual ; he requires sauce and condi 
ments in his food ; he is farther removed from sim 
plicity, and, by necessary implication, from high 
civilization ; he eats flesh, a certain proof that the 


material principle is still strong in the ascendant ; 
he has no cauda " 

" On this point, Dr. Reasono, I would inquire if 
your scholars attach any weight to traditions ?" 

"The greatest possible, sir. It is the monikin 
tradition that our species is composed of men 
refined, of diminished matter and augmented minds, 
with the seat of reason extricated from the confine 
ment and confusion of the caput, and extended, 
unravelled, and rendered logical and consecutive, 
in the cauda" 

" Well, sir, we too have our traditions ; and an 
eminent writer, at no great distance of time, has 
laid it down as incontrovertible, that men once had 

" A mere prophetic glance into the future, as com 
ing events are known to cast their shadows before." 

" Sir, the philosopher in question establishes his 
position, by pointing to the stumps." 

"He has unluckily mistaken a foundation-stone for 
a ruin ! Such errors are not unfrequent with the 
ardent and ingenious. That men will have tails, I 
make no doubt ; but that they have ever reached 
this point of perfection, I do most solemnly deny. 
There are many premonitory symptoms of their 
approaching this condition; the current opinions 
of the day, the dress, habits, fashions, and phi 
losophy of the species, encourage the belief; but 
hitherto you have never reached the enviable dis 
tinction. As to traditions, even your own are all 
in favor of our theory. Thus, for instance, you 
have a tradition that the earth was once peopled by 
giants. Now, this is owing to the fact that men 
were formerly more under the influence of matter, 
and less under that of mind, than to-day. You admit 
that you diminish in size, and improve in moral 
attainments; all of which goes to establish the truth 


of the monikin philosophy. You begin to lay less 
stress on physical, and more on moral excellencies; 
and, in short, many things show that the time for 
the final liberation and grand development of your 
brains, is not far distant. This much I very gladly 
concede ; for, while the dogmas of our schools are 
not to be disregarded, I very cheerfully admit that 
you are our fellow-creatures, though in a more 
infant and less improved condition of society." 


Here Dr. Reasono announced the necessity of 
taking a short intermission, in order to refresh 
himself. I retired with Captain Poke, to have a 
little communication with my fellow-mortal, under 
the peculiar circumstances in which we were placed, 
and to ask his opinion of what had been said. Noah 
swore bitterly at some of the conclusions of the 
monikin philosopher, affirming he should like no 
better sport than to hear him lecture in the streets 
of Stunin'tun, where, he assured me, such doctrine 
would not be tolerated any longer than was neces 
sary to sharpen a harpoon, or to load a gun. 
Indeed, he did not know but the Doctor would be 
incontinently kicked over -into Rhode Island, with 
out ceremony. 

" For that matter," continued the indignant old 
sealer, " I should ask no better sport, than to have 
permission to put the big toe of my right foot, under 
full sail, against the part of the blackguard where 
his beloved tail is stepped. That would soon bring 
him to reason. Why, as for his caudce, if you 
will believe me, Sir John, I once saw a man, on 
the coast of Patagonia a savage, to be sure, and 
not a philosopher^" as this fellow pretends to be 
who had an outrigger of this sort, as long as a 
ship's ring-tail-boom. And what was he, after all, 


but a poor devil who did not know a sea-lion from 
a grampus !" 

This- assertion of Captain Poke relieved my mind 
considerably; and, laying aside the bison-skin, I 
asked him to have the goodness to examine the lo 
calities, with some particularity, about the termina 
tion of the dorsal bone, in order to ascertain if there 
were any encouraging signs to be discovered. 
Capt. Poke put on his spectacles, for time had 
brought the worthy mariner to their use, as he 
said, "whenever he had occasion to read fine print;" 
and, after some time, I had the satisfaction to hear 
him declare, that if it was a cauda I wanted, there 
was as good a place to step one, as could be found 
about any monkey in the universe; "and you have 
only to say the word, Sir John, and I will just step 
into the next room, and by the help of my knife 
and a little judgment in choosing, I'll fit you out 
with a jury-article, which, if there be any ra'al 
vartue in this sort of thing, will qualify you at once 
to be a judge, or, for that matter, a bishop." 

We were now summoned again to the lecture- 
room, and I had barely time to thank Captain Poke 
for his obliging offer, which circumstances just 
then, however, forbade my accepting. 



Better and better A higher flight of reason More obvious 
truths, deeper philosophy, and facts that even an ostrich 
might digest. 

" I GLADLY quit what I fear some present may 
have considered the personal part of my lecture," 
resumed Dr. Reasono, " to turn to those portions 
of the theme that should possess a common interest, 
awaken common pride, and excite common felici 
tations. I now propose to say a few words on that 
part of our natural philosophy which is connected 
with the planetary system, the monikin location, 
and, as a consequence from both, the creation of 
the world." 

" Although dying with impatience to be enlight 
ened on all these interesting points, you will grant 
me leave to inquire, en passant, Dr. Reasono, if 
your savans receive the Mosaic account of the 
creation or not." 

" As far as it corroborates our own system, sir, 
and no farther. There would be a manifest incon 
sistency in our giving an antagonist validity to any 
hostile theory, let it come from Moses or Aaron ; 
as one of your native good sense and subsequent 
cultivation will readily perceive." 

"Permit me to intimate, Dr. Reasono, that the 
distinction your philosophers take in this matter, is 
directly opposed to a very arbitrary canon in the 
law of evidence, which dictates the necessity of 
repudiating the whole of a witness's testimony, 
when we repudiate a part." 

" That may be a human, but it is not a monikin, 
distinction. So far from admitting the soundness 


of the principle, we hold that no monikin is ever 
wholly right, or that he will be wholly right, so long 
as he remain in the least under the influence of 
matter ; and we therefore winnow the false from 
the true, rejecting the former as worse than useless, 
while we take the latter as the nutriment of facts." 

" I now repeat my apologies for so often inter 
rupting you, venerable and learned sir ; and I en 
treat you will not waste another moment in replying 
to my interrogatories, but proceed at once to an 
explanation of your planetary system, or of any 
other little thing it may suit your convenience to 
mention. When one listens to a real philosopher, 
one is certain to learn something that is either use 
ful or agreeable, let the subject be what it may." 

" By the monikin philosophy, gentlemen," conti 
nued Dr. Reasono, "we divide the great component 
parts of this earth into land and water. These two 
principles we term the primary elements. Human 
philosophy has added air and fire to the list ; but 
these we reject either entirely, or admit them only 
as secondary elements. That neither air nor fire is 
a primary element, may be proved by experiment. 
Thus, air can be formed, in the quality of gases ; 
can be rendered pure or foul ; is dependent on eva 
poration, being no more than ordinary matter in a 
state of high rarefaction. Fire has no independent 
existence ; requires fuel for its support, and is evi 
dently a property that is derived from the combina 
tions of other principles. Thus, by putting two or 
more billets of wood together, by rapid friction you 
produce fire. Abstract the ah* suddenly, and your 
fire becomes extinct ; abstract the wood, and you 
have the same result. From these two experiments 
it is shown that fire has no independent existence, 
and therefore is not an element. On the other hand, 
take a billet of wood and let it be completely satu- 


rated with water : the wood acquires a new pro 
perty, (as also by the application of fire, which con 
verts it into ashes and air,) for its specific gravity is 
increased, it becomes less inflammable, emits vapor 
more readily, and yields less readily to the blow of 
the axe. Place the same billet under a powerful 
screw, and a vessel beneath. Compress the billet, 
and by a sufficient application of force, you will 
have the wood, perfectly dry, left beneath the 
screw, and the vessel will contain water. Thus 
is it shown that land (all vegetable matter being no 
more than fungi of the earth) is a primary element, 
and that water is also a primary element; while air 
and fire are not. 

" Having established the elements, I shall, for 
brevity's sake, suppose the world created. In the 
beginning, the orb was placed in vacuum, station 
ary, and with its axis perpendicular to the plane of 
what is now called its orbit. Its only revolution was 
the diurnal." 

" And the changes of the seasons ?" 
" Had not yet taken place. The days and nights 
were equal; there were no eclipses; the same stars 
were always visible. This state of the earth is 
supposed, from certain geological proofs, to have 
continued about a thousand years, during which 
time the struggle between mind and matter was 
solely confined to quadrupeds. Man is thought to 
have made his appearance, so far as our documents 
go to establish the fact, about the year of the world 
one thousand and three. About this period, too, it 
is supposed that fire was generated by the friction 
of the earth's axis, while making the diurnal move 
ment ; or, as some imagine, by the friction of the 
periphery of the orb, rubbing against vacuum at 
the rate of so many thousand miles in a minute. 
The fire penetrating the crust, soon got access to the 


bodies of water that fill the cavities of the earth. 
From this time is to be dated the existence of a 
new and most important agent in the terrestrial 
phenomena, called steam. Vegetation now began 
to appear, as the earth received warmth from 
within " 

" Pray, sir, may I ask in what manner all the 
animals existed previously ?" 

" By feeding on each other. The strong devoured 
the weak, until the most diminutive of the animal- 
cula was reached, when these turned on their per 
secutors, and, profiting by their insignificance, 
commenced devouring the strongest. You find 
daily parallels to this phenomenon in the history 
of man. He who, by his energy and force, has 
triumphed over his equals, is frequently the prey of 
the insignificant and vile. You doubtless know that 
the polar regions, even in the original attitude of 
the earth, owing to their receiving the rays of the 
sun obliquely, must have possessed a less genial 
climate than the parts of the orb that lie between 
the arctic and the antarctic circles. This was a 
wise provision of Providence to prevent a prema 
ture occupation of those chosen regions, or to cause 
them to be left uninhabited, until mind had so far 
mastered matter, as to have brought into existence 
the first monikin." 

" May I venture to ask to what epoch you refer 
the appearance of the first of your species ?" 

" To the Monikin Epocha, beyond a doubt, sir 
but if you mean to ask in what year of the world 
this event took place, I should answer, about the 
year 4017. It is true, that certain of our writers 
affect to think that divers men were approaching 
to the sublimation of the monikin mind, previously to 
this period; but the better opinion is, that these cases 
were no more than what are termed premonitory. 


Thus, Socrates, Plato, Confucius, Aristotle, Euclid, 
Zeno, Diogenes, and Seneca, were merely so many 
admonishing types of the future condition of man, 
indicating their near approach to the monikin, or 
to the final translation." 

" And Epicurus " 

" Was an exaggeration of the material principle, 
that denoted the retrogression of a large portion of 
the race towards brutality and matter. These phe 
nomena are still of daily occurrence." 

" Do you then hold the opinion, for instance, Dr. 
Reasono, that Socrates is now a monikin philoso 
pher, with his brain unravelled and rendered logic 
ally consecutive, and that Epicurus is transformed 
perchance into a hippopotamus or a rhinoceros, 
with tusks, horns, and hide ?" 

" You quite mistake our dogmas, Sir John. We 
do not believe in transmigration in the individual 
at all, but in the transmigration of classes. Thus, 
we hold that whenever a given generation of men, in 
a peculiar state of society, attain, in the aggregate, 
a certain degree of moral improvement, or mentality, 
as we term it in the schools, that there is an admix 
ture of their qualities in masses, some believe by 
scores, others think by hundreds, and others again 
pretend by thousands ; and if it is found, by the 
analysis that is regularly instituted by nature, that 
the proportions are just, the material is consigned 
to the monikin birth ; if not, it is repudiated, and 
either kneaded anew for another human experi 
ment, or consigned to the vast stores of dormant 
matter. Thus all individuality, so far as it is con 
nected with the past, is lost." 

" But, sir, existing facts contradict one of the 
most important of your propositions; while you 
admit that a want of a change in the seasons would 
be a consequence of the perpendicularity of the 

VOL. I. 16 


earth's axis to the plane of its present orbit, this 
change in the seasons is a matter not to be denied. 
Flesh and blood testify against you here, no less 
than reason." 

" I spoke of things as they were, sir, previously 
to the birth of the monikinia ; since which time a 
great, salutary, harmonious, and contemplated alter 
ation has occurred. Nature had reserved the polar 
regions for the new species, with divers obvious and 
benevolent purposes. It was rendered uninhabitable 
by the obliquity of the sun's rays ; and though mat 
ter, in the shape of mastodons and whales, with an 
instinct of its antagonist destination, had frequently 
invaded their precincts, it was only to leave the 
remains of the first embedded in fields of ice, me 
morials of the uselessness of struggling against 
destiny, and to furnish proofs of the same great 
truth in the instance of the others ; who, if they did 
enter the polar basins as masters of the great deep, 
either left their bones there, or returned in the same 
characters as they went. From the appearance of 
animal nature on the earth, down to the period 
when the monikin race arose, the regions in ques 
tion were not only uninhabited, but virtually unin 
habitable. When, however, Nature, always wary, 
wise, beneficent, and never to be thwarted, had 
prepared the way, those phenomena were exhibited 
that cleared the road for the new species. I have 
alluded to the internal struggle between fire and 
water, and to their progeny, steam. This new 
agent was now required to act. A moment's 
attention to the manner in which the next great 
step in the progress of civilization was made, will 
show with what foresight and calculation our com 
mon mother had established her laws. The earth 
is flattened at the poles, as is well imagined by 
some of the human philosophers, in consequence 


of its diurnal movement commencing while the ball 
was still in a state of fusion, which naturally threw 
off a portion of the unkneaded matter, towards the 
periphery. This was not done without the design 
of accomplishing a desired end. The matter that 
was thus accumulated at the equator, was necessa 
rily abstracted from other parts ; and, in this man 
ner, the crust of the globe became thinnest at the 
poles. When a sufficiency of steam had been gene 
rated in the centre of the ball, a safety-valve was 
evidently necessary to prevent a total disruption. 
As there was no other machinist than Nature, she 
worked with her own tools, and agreeably to her 
own established laws. The thinnest portions of the 
crust opportunely yielded to prevent a catastrophe, 
when the superfluous and heated vapor escaped, in 
a right line with the earth's axis, into vacuum. 
This phenomenon occurred, as nearly as we have 
been able to ascertain, about the year 700 before 
the Christian era commenced, or some two cen 
turies previously to the birth of the first monikins." 

" And why so early, may I presume to inquire, 

" Simply that there might be time for the new 
climate to melt the ice that had accumulated about 
the islands and continents of that region, (for it 
was only at the southern extremity of the earth 
that the explosion had taken place,) in the course 
of so many centuries. Two hundred and seventy 
years of the active and unremitted agency of steam 
sufficed for this end ; since the accomplishment of 
which, the monikin race has been in the undis 
turbed enjoyment of the whole territory, together 
with its blessed fruits." 

"Am I to understand," asked Captain Poke, 
with more interest than he had before manifested 
in the philosopher's lecture, " that your folks, when 


at hum', live to the south'ard of the belt of ice that 
we mariners 'always fall in with somewhere about 
the parallel of 77 south latitude ?" 

" Precisely so alas ! that we should, this day, 
be so far from those regions of peace, delight, intel 
ligence, and salubrity ! But the will of Providence 
be done ! doubtless, there is a wise motive for our 
captivity and sufferings, which may yet lead to the 
further glory of the monikin race !" 

"Will you have the kindness to proceed with 
your explanations, Doctor? If you deny the annual 
revolution of the earth, in what manner do you 
account for the changes of the seasons, and other 
astronomical phenomena, such as the eclipses which 
so frequently occur ?" 

" You remind me that the subject is not yet ex 
hausted," the philosopher hurriedly rejoined, hastily 
and covertly dashing a tear from his eye. "Pros 
perity produced some of its usual effects, among 
the founders of our species. For a few centuries, 
they went on multiplying in numbers, elongating 
and rendering still more consecutive their caudce, 
improving in knowledge and the arts, until some 
spirits, more audacious than the rest, became restive 
under the slow march of events, which led them 
towards perfection at a rate ill-suited to their fiery 
impatience. At this time, the mechanic arts were 
at the highest pitch of perfection amongst us we 
have since, in a great measure, abandoned them, 
as unsuited to, and unnecessary for, an advanced 
state of civilization we wore clothes, constructed 
canals, and effected other works that were greatly 
esteemed among the species from which we had 
emigrated. At this time, also, the whole monikin 
family lived together as one people, enjoyed the 
same laws, and pursued the same objects. But a 


political sect arose in the region, under the direction 
of misguided and hot-headed leaders, who brought 
down upon us the just judgment of Providence, and 
a multitude of evils that it will require ages to 
remedy. This sect soon had recourse to religious 
fanaticism and philosophical sophisms, to attain its 
ends. It grew rapidly in power and numbers ; for 
we monikins, like men, as I have had occasion to 
observe, are seekers of novelties. At last it pro 
ceeded to absolute overt acts of treason against 
the laws of Providence itself. The first violent 
demonstration of its madness and folly, was setting 
up the doctrine that injustice had been done the 
monikin race, by causing the safety-valve of the 
world to be opened within their region. Although 
we were manifestly indebted to this very circum 
stance for the benignity of our climate, the value 
of our possessions, the general healthfulness of our 
families nay, for our separate existence itself, as 
an independent species, yet did these excited and 
ill-judging wretches absolutely wage war upon the 
most benevolent and the most unequivocal friend 
they had. Specious premises led to theories, theo 
ries to declamations, declamation to combination, 
combination to denunciation, and denunciation to 
open hostilities. The matter in dispute was debated 
for two generations, when the necessary degree of 
madness having been excited, the leaders of the 
party, who by this time had worked themselves, 
through their hobby, into the general control of the 
monikin affairs, called a meeting of all their parti 
sans, and passed certain resolutions, which will 
nev^r be blotted from the monikin memory, so fatal 
were their consequences, so ruinous, for a time, 
their effects ! They were conceived in the follow 
ing terms; 


186 THE 

" AT a full and overflowing meeting of the most 
monikinized of the monikin race, holden at the house 
of Peleg Pat, (we still used the human appellations, 
at that epoch,) in the year of the world 3,007, and 
of the monikin era 317, Plausible Shout was called 
to the chair, and Ready Quill was named secretary. 

" After several excellent and eloquent addresses 
from all present, it was unanimously resolved as 
follows, viz. 

" That steam is a curse, and not a blessing ; and 
that it deserves to be denounced by all patriotic 
and true monikins. 

" That we deem it the height of oppression and 
injustice in Nature, that she has placed the great 
safety-valve of the world, within the lawful limits 
of the monikin territories. 

" That the said safety-valve ought to be removed 
forthwith ; and that it shall be so removed, peace 
ably if it can, forcibly if it must. 

" That we cordially approve of the sentiments of 
John Jaw, our present estimable chief magistrate, 
the incorruptible partisan, the undaunted friend of 
his friends, jjie uncompromising enemy of steam, 
and the sound, pure, orthodox, and true monikin. 

" That we recommend the said Jaw to the confi 
dence of all monikins* 

" That we call upon the country to sustain us in 
our great, holy, and glorious design, pledging our 
selves, posterity, the bones of our ancestors, and all 
who have gone before or who may come after 
us, to the faithful execution of our intentions. 


" READY QUILL, Secretary." 

"No sooner were these resolutions promulgated, 
(for instead of being passed at a full meeting, it is 


flow understood they were drawn up between 
Messrs. Shout and Quill, under the private dicta 
tion of Mr. Jaw,) than the public mind began 
seriously to meditate proceeding to extremities. 
That perfection in the mechanic arts which had 
hitherto formed our pride and boast, now proved 
to be our greatest enemy. It is thought that the 
leaders of this ill-directed party meant, in truth, 
to confine themselves to certain electioneering 
effects ; but who can stay the torrent, or avert the 
current of prejudice ! The stream was setting 
against steam ; the whole invention of the species 
was put in motion ; and in one year from the pas 
sage of the resolutions I have recited, mountains 
were transported, endless piles of rocks were 
thrown into the gulf, arches were constructed, and 
the hole of the safety-valve was hermetically 
sealed. You will form some idea of the waste of 
intelligence and energy on this occasion, when I 
add, that it was found, by actual observation, that 
this artificial portion of the earth was thicker, 
stronger, and more likely to be durable than the 
natural. So far did infatuation lead the victims, 
that they actually caused the whole region to be 
sounded, and, having ascertained the precise local 
ity of the thinnest portion of the crust, John Jaw, 
and all the most zealous of his followers, removed 
to the spot, where they established the seat of 
their government in triumph. All this time Nature 
rested upon her arms, in the quiet of conscious 
force. It was not long, however, before our an 
cestors began to perceive the consequences of their 
act, in the increase of the cold, in the scarcity of 
fruits, and in the rapid augmentation of the ice. 
The monikin enthusiasm is easily awakened in 
favor of any plausible theory, but it invariably 
yields to physical pressure. No doubt the human 

188 THE MOtflKlNS. 

race, better furnished with the material of physical 
resistance, does not exhibit so much of this weak 
ness, but " 

" Do not flatter us with the exception, Doctor. 
I find so many points of resemblance between us, 
that I really begin to think we must have had the 
same origin; and if you would only admit that 
man is of the secondary formation and the moni- 
kins of the primary, I would accept the whole ot 
your philosophy without a moment's delay." 

" As such an admission would be contrary to 
both fact and doctrine, I trust, my dear sir, you 
will see the utter impossibility of a Professor in 
the University of Leaphigh making the conces 
sion, even in this remote part of the world. As I 
was about to observe, the people began to betray 
uneasiness at the increasing and constant inclem 
ency of the weather; and Mr. John Jaw found it 
necessary to stimulate their passions by a new 
development of his principles. His friends and 
partisans were all assembled in the great square 
of the new capital, and the following resolutions 
were, to use the language of a handbill that is still 
preserved in the archives of the Leaphigh Histo 
rical Society, (for it would seem they were printed 
before they were passed,) " unanimously, enthu 
siastically, and finally adopted," viz. 

Resolved, That this meeting has the utmost 
contempt for steam. 

Resolved, That this meeting defies snow, and 
sterility, and all other natural disadvantages. 

Resolved, That we will live for ever. 

Resolved, That we will henceforward go naked, 
as the most effectual means of setting the frost at 


Resolved, That we are now over the thinnest 
part of the earth's crust in the polar regions. 

Resolved, That henceforth we will support no 
monikin for any public trust, who will not give a 
pledge to put out all his fires, and to dispense with 
cooking altogether. 

Resolved, That we are animated by the true 
spirit of patriotism, reason, good faith, and firm 

Resolved, That this meeting now adjourn sine die. 

"We are told that the last resolution was just 
carried by acclamation, when Nature arose in her 
might, and took ample vengeance for all her 
wrongs. The great boiler of the earth burst, with 
a tremendous explosion, carrying away, as the 
thinnest part of the workmanship, not only Mr. 
John Jaw, and all his partisans, but forty thousand 
square miles of territory. The last that was seen 
of them was about thirty seconds after the occur 
rence of the explosion, when the whole mass dis 
appeared near the northern horizon, going at a 
rate a little surpassing that of a cannon-ball which 
has just left its gun." 

" King !" exclaimed Noah ; " that is what we 
sailors call, to cut and run." 

" Was nothing ever heard of Mr. Jaw and his 
companions, my good Doctor?" 

" Nothing that could be depended on. Some of 
our naturalists assume that the monkeys which 
frequent the other parts of the earth are their 
descendants, who, stunned by the shock, have lost 
their reasoning powers, while, at the same time, 
they show glimmerings of their origin. This is, 
in truth, the better opinion of our savans; and it 
is usual with us, to distinguish all the human spe 
cies of monkeys by the name of " the lost moni- 


kins." Since my captivity, chance has thrown 
me in the way of several of these animals, who 
were equally under the control of the cruel Sa 
voyards; and in conversing with them, in order to 
inquire into their traditions and to trace the analo 
gies of language, I have been led to think there is 
some foundation for the opinion. Of this, how 
ever, hereafter." 

" Pray, Dr. Reasono, what became of the forty 
thousand square miles of territory ?" 

"Of that, we have a better account; for one of 
our vessels, which was far to the northward, on an 
exploring expedition, fell in with it in longitude 2 
from Leaphigh, latitude 6 S., and by her means 
it was ascertained that divers islands had been 
already formed by falling fragments; and, judging 
from the direction of the main body when last 
seen, the fertility of that part of the world, and 
various geological proofs, we hold that the great 
western Archipelago is the deposit of the remain 

" And the monikin region, sir, what was the 
consequence of this phenomenon to that part of 
the world ?" 

" Awful sublime various and durable ! The 
more important, or the personal consequences, 
shall be mentioned first. Fully one-third of the 
monikin species was scalded to death. A great 
many contracted asthmas and other diseases of 
the lungs, by inhaling steam. Most of the bridges 
were swept away by the sudden melting of the 
snows, and large stores of provisions were spoilt 
by the unexpected appearance and violent charac 
ter of the thaw. These may be enumerated among 
the unpleasant consequences. Among the pleasant, 
we esteem a final and agreeable melioration of the 
climate, which regained most of its ancient char- 


acler, and a rapid and distinct elongation of our 
caudce, by a sudden acquisition of wisdom. 

" The secondary, or the terrestrial consequences, 
were as follow. By the suddenness and force 
with which so much steam rushed into space, find 
ing its outlet several degrees from the pole, the 
earth was canted from its perpendicular attitude, 
and remained fixed with its axis having an inclina 
tion of 23 27 to the plane of its orbit. At the 
same time, the orb began to move in vacuum, and, 
restrained by antagonist attractions, to perform 
what is called its annual revolution." 

" I can very well understand, friend Reasono," 
observed Noah, " why the 'arth should heel under 
so sudden a flaw, though a well-ballasted ship 
would right again when the puff was over ; but I 
cannot understand how a little steam leaking out 
at one end of a craft should set her a-going at the 
rate we are told this world travels ?" 

" If the escape of the steam were constant, the 
diurnal motion giving it every moment a new posi 
tion, the earth would not be propelled in its orbit, 
of a certainty, Captain Poke ; but as, in fact, this 
escape of the steam has the character of pulsation, 
being periodical and regular, nature has ordained 
that it shall occur but once in the twenty-four hours, 
and this at such a time as to render its action uni 
form, and its impulsion always in the same direc 
tion. The principle on which the earth receives 
this impetus, can be easily illustrated by a familiar 
experiment. Take, for instance, a double-barrelled 
fowling-piece, load both barrels with extra quan 
tities of powder, introduce a ball and two wads 
into each barrel, place the breech within 4 7 6 ^V 
inches of the abdomen, and take care to fire both 
barrels at once. In this case, the balls will give 
an example of the action of the forty thousand 


square miles of territory, and the person experi 
menting will not fail to imitate the impulsion, or 
the backward movement, of the earth." 

" While I do not deny that such an experiment 
would be likely to set both parties in motion, friend 
Reasono, I do not see why the 'arth should not final 
ly stop, as the man would be sure to do, after he 
had got through with hopping, and kicking, and 

" The reason why the earth, once set in motion 
in vacuum, does not stop, can also be elucidated 
by experiment, as follows. Take Captain Noah 
Poke, provided as he is by nature with legs and 
the power of motion ; lead him to the Place Fen- 
dome ; cause him to pay three sous, which will gain 
him admission to the base of the column ; let him 
ascend to the summit ; thence let him leap with all 
his energy, in a direction at right angles with the 
shaft of the column, into the open air ; and it will 
be found that, though the original impulsion would 
not probably impel the body more than ten or 
twelve feet, motion would continue until it had 
reached the earth. Corollary: hence it is proved, 
that all bodies in which the vis inertia has been 
overcome, will continue in motion, until they come 
in contact with some power capable of stopping 

" King ! Do you not think, Mr. Reasono, that the 
'arth makes its circuit, as much owing to this said 
steam of yours shoving, as it were, always a little 
on one side, acting thereby in some fashion as a 
rudder, which causes her to keep waring, as we 
seamen call it, and as big crafts take more room 
than small ones in waring, why, she is compelled 
to run so many millions of miles before, as it might 
be, she comes up to the wind ag'in ? Now, there 
is reason in such an idee ; whereas, I never could 


reconcile it to my natur', that these little bits of 
stars should keep a craft like the 'arth in her 
course, with such a devil of a way on her, as we 
know in reason she must have, to run so far in a 
twelve-month. Why, the smallest yaw and, for 
a hooker of her keel, a thousand miles would n't 
be a broader yaw than a hundred feet in a ship 
the smallest yaw would send her aboard of the 
Jupiter, or the Marcury, when there would be a 
smashing of out-board work such as mortal never 
before witnessed !" 

" We rather lean to the opinion of the efficacy 
of attraction, sir ; nor do I see that your propo 
sition would at all obviate your own objection." 

" Then, sir, I will just explain myself. Let us 
suppose there was a steamer with a hundred miles 
of keel ; let us suppose the steam up, and the craft 
with a broad offing ; let us suppose her helm lash'd 
hard a-port, and she going at the rate of ten thou 
sand knots the hour, without bringing up or short 
ening sail for years at a time. Now, all this being 
admitted, what would be her course ? Why, sir, 
any child could tell you, she would keep turning 
in a circle of some fifty or a hundred thousand 
miles in circumference ; and such, it appears to me, 
it is much more rational to suppose is the natur' of 
the 'arth's traversing, than all this steering-small 
among stars and attractions." 

" There is truly something very plausible, Cap 
tain Poke, in your suggestion ; and I propose that 
you shall profit by the first occasion to lay your 
opinions on the subject, more at large, before the 
Academy of Leaphigh." 

"With all my heart, Doctor; for I hold that 
knowledge, like good liquor, is given to be passed 
round from one to another, and not to be gulped 
in a corner by any particular individle. And 

VOL. I. 17 


now I'm throwing out hints of this natur', I will 
just intimate another, that you may add to your 
next demonstration, by way of what you call a 
corollary : which is this, that is to say if all 
you tell us about the bursting of the boiler and the 
polar kick be true, then is the 'arth the first steam 
boat that was ever invented, and the boastings of 
the French, and the English, and the Spaniards, 
and the Italians, on this point, are no more than 
so much smoke." 

" And of the Americans, too, Captain Poke," 
I ventured to observe. 

" Why, Sir John, that is as it may happen. I 
don't well see how Fulton could have stolen the 
idee, seeing that he did not know the Doctor, 
and most probably never heard of Leaphigh in his 

We all smiled, even to the amiable Chatterissa, 
at the nicety of the navigator's distinctions ; and 
the philosopher's lecture, in its more didactic 
form, being now virtually at an end, a long and de 
sultory conversation took place, in which a multi 
tude of ingenious questions were put by Captain 
Poke and myself, and which were as cleverly an 
swered by the Doctor and his friends. 

At length, Dr. Reasono, who, philosopher as he 
was, and much as he loved science, had not given 
himself all this trouble, without a view to what 
are called ulterior considerations, came out with 
a frank expose of his wishes. Accident had appa 
rently combined all the means for gratifying the 
burning desire I betrayed to be let into further de 
tails of the monikin polity, morals, philosophy, and 
all the other great social interests of the part of 
the world they inhabit. I was wealthy beyond 
bounds, and the equipment of a proper vessel 
would be an expenditure of no moment ; both the 


Doctor and Lord Chatterino were good practical 
geographers, after they were once within the pa 
rallel of 77 south, and Captain Poke, according to 
his own account of himself, had passed half his life 
in poking about among the sterile and uninhabited 
islands of the frozen ocean. What was there to 
prevent the most earnest wishes of all present 
from being gratified ? The CaDtain was out of 
employment, and no doubt would be glad to get 
the command of a good tight sea-boat ; the 
strangers pined for home, and it was my most 
ardent wish to increase my stake in society, by 
taking a further interest in monikins. 

On this hint* I frankly made a proposal to the 
old sealer, to undertake the task of restoring these 
amiable and enlightened strangers to their own 
fire-sides and families. The Captain soon began 
to discover a little of his Stunin'tun propensity; 
for, the more I pressed the matter on him, the 
more readily he found objections. The several 
motives he urged for declining the proposal, may 
be succinctly given as follows : 

It was true that he wanted employment, but 
then he wanted to see Stunin'tun too ; he doubt 
ed whether monkeys would make good sailors; it 
was no joke to run in among the ice, and it might 
be still less of one to find our way back again ; he 
had seen the bodies of dead seals and bears that 
were frozen as hard as stone, and which might, for 
any thing he knew, have lain in that state a hun 
dred years, and, for his part, he should like to be 
buried when he was good for nothing else ; how 
did he know these monikins might not catch the 
men, when they had once fairly got them in their 
country, and strip them, and make them throw sum 
mersets, as the Savoyards had compelled the Doc 
tor, and even the Lady Chatterissa , to do 1 he knew 


he should break his neck the very first flap-jack ; 
if he were ten years younger, perhaps he should 
like the frolic ; he did not believe the right sort of 
craft could be found in England, and, for his part, 
he liked sailing under the stars and stripes; he 
didn't know but he might go, if he had a crew 
of Stunin'tunners ; he always knew how to get 
along with such people ; he could scare one by 
threatening to tell his marm how he behaved, and 
bring another to reason by hinting that the gals 
would shy him, if he wasn't more accommodating; 
then there might be no such place as Leaphigh, 
after all; or, if there was, he might never find 
it; as for wearing a bison-skin under the equa 
tor, it was quite out of the question, a human skin 
being a heavy load to carry in the calm latitudes ; 
and finally, that he didn't exactly see what he was 
to get by it." 

These objections were met, one by one, revers 
ing the order in which they were made, and com 
mencing with the last. 

I offered a thousand pounds sterling as the re 
ward. This proposal brought a gleam of satis 
faction into Noah's eyes, though he shook his head, 
as if he thought it very little. It was then sug 
gested that there was no doubt we should discover 
certain islands that were well stored with seals, 
and that I would waive all claims as owner, and 
that hereafter he might turn these discoveries to 
his own private account. At this bait he nibbled, 
and, at one time, I thought he was about to suffer 
himself to be caught. But he remained obstinate. 
After trying all our united rhetoric, and doubling 
the amount of the pecuniary offer, Dr. Reasono 
luckily bethought him of the universal engine of 
human weakness, and the old sealer, who had 
resisted money an influence of known efficacy 


at Stunin'tun ambition, the secret of new sealing 
grounds, and all the ordinary inducements that 
might be thought to have weight with men of his 
class, was, in the end, hooked by his own vanity! 
The philosopher cunningly expatiated on the plea 
sure there would be in reading a paper before the 
academy of Leaphigh, on the subject of the captain's 
peculiar views touching the earth's annual revolu 
tion, and of the virtue of sailing planets with their 
helms lashed hard-a-port, when all the dogmatical 
old navigator's scruples melted away like snow in 
a thaw. 


A chapter of preparations Discrimination in character A 
tight fit, and other conveniences, with some judgment. 

I SHALL pass lightly over the events of the suc 
ceeding month. During this time, the whole party 
was transferred to England, a proper ship had been 
bought and equipped, the family of strangers were 
put in quiet possession of their cabins, and I had 
made all my arrangements for being absent from 
England for the next two years. The vessel was 
a stout-built, comfortable ship of about three hun 
dred tons burthen, and had been properly con 
structed to encounter the dangers of the ice. Her 
accommodations were suitably arranged to meet 
all the exigencies of both monikin and human wants, 
the apartments of the ladies being very properly 
separated from those of the gentlemen, and other 
wise rendered decorous and commodious. The 
Lady Chatterissa very pleasantly called their pri 
vate room the gynecee, which, as I afterwards ascer- 


tained, was a term for the women's apartments, 
obtained from the Greek, the monikins being quite 
as much addicted as we are ourselves, to showing 
their acquirements by the introduction of words 
from foreign tongues. 

Noah showed great care in the selection of the 
ship's company, the service being known to be 
arduous, and the duties of a very responsible cha 
racter. For this purpose, he made a journey ex 
pressly to Liverpool, (the ship lying in the Greenland 
Dock at London,) where he was fortunate enough 
to engage five Yankees, as many Englishmen, two 
Norwegians and a Swede, all of whom had been 
accustomed to cruising as near the poles as ordi 
nary men ever succeed in reaching. He was also 
well suited in his cook and mates ; but I observed 
that he had great difficulty in finding a cabin-boy 
to his mind. More than twenty applicants were 
rejected, some for the want of one qualification, and 
some for the want of another. As I was present 
at several examinations of different candidates for 
the office, I got a little insight into his manner of 
ascertaining their respective merits. 

The invariable practice was, first, to place a bot 
tle of rum, and a pitcher of water, before the lad, 
and to order him to try his hand at mixing a glass 
of grog. Four applicants were incontinently rejected 
for manifesting a natural inaptitude at hitting the 
juste milieu, in this important part of the duty of a 
cabin-boy. Most of the candidates, however, were 
reasonably expert in the art ; and the captain soon 
came to the next requisite, which was, to say " Sir," 
in a tone, as Noah expressed it, somewhere be 
tween the snap of a steel-trap and the mendicant 
whine of a beggar. Fourteen were rejected for 
deficiencies on this score, the captain remarking 
that most of them " were the sa'ciest blackguards" 
he had ever fallen in with. When he had, at 


length, found one who could mix a tumbler of 
grog, and answer " Sir," to his liking, he proceeded 
to make experiments on their abilities in carrying 
a soup-tureen over a slushed plank ; in wiping plates 
without a napkin, and without using their shirt 
sleeves ; in snuffing candles with their fingers ; in 
making a soft bed with few materials besides 
boards; in mixing the various compounds of burgoo, 
lob-skous, and dough, (which he affectedly pro- 
noufjced duff) ; in fattening pigs on beef-bones, and 
ducks on the sweepings of the deck ; in looking at 
molasses without licking his lips; and in various other 
similar accomplishments, which he maintained were 
as familiar to the children of Stunin'tun, as their 
singing-books and the ten commandments. The 
nineteenth candidate to my uninstructed eyes seemed 
perfect ; but Noah rejected him for the want of a 
quality that he declared was indispensable to the 
quiet of the ship. It appeared he was too bony 
about an essential part of his anatomy, a peculiarity 
that was very dangerous to a captain, as he him 
self was once so unfortunate as to put his great toe 
out of joint, by kicking one of these ill-formed 
youngsters with unpremeditated violence ; a thing 
that was very apt to happen to a man in a hurry. 
Luckily, number twenty passed, and was imme 
diately promoted to the vacant birth. The very 
next day the ship put to sea, in good condition, and 
with every prospect of a fortunate voyage. 

I will here state that a general election occurred 
the week before we sailed ; and I ran down to 
Householder and got myself returned, in order to 
protect the interests of those who had a natural 
right to look up to me for that small favor. 

We discharged the pilot when we had the Scilly 
Islands over the taffrail, and Mr. Poke took com 
mand of the vessel, in good earnest. Coming down 

200 THE MOXiftiV. 

channel, he had done little more than rummage 
about in the cabin, examine the lockers, and makei 
his foot acquainted with the anatomy of poor Bob, 
as the cabin-boy was called ; who, judging from the 
amount of the captain's practice, was admirably 
well suited for his station, in the great requisite of 
a kickee. But, the last hold of the land loosened 
by the departure of the pilot, our navigator came 
forth in his true colours, and showed the stuff of 
which he was really made. The first thing he did 
was to cause a pull to be made on every halyard, 
bowline and brace in the ship ; he then rattled off 
both mates, in order to show them (as he afterwards 
told me in confidence) that he was captain of his 
own vessel ; gave the people to understand he did 
not like to speak twice on the same subject and on 
the same occasion, which he said was a privilege 
he very willingly left to congress-men and women ; 
and then he appeared satisfied with himself and all 
around him* 

A week after we had taken our departure, I 
ventured to ask Captain Poke if it might not be well 
enough to take an observation, and to resort to 
some means in order to know where the ship was. 
Noah treated this idea with great disrespect. He 
could see no use in wearing out quadrants without 
any necessity for it. Our course was south, we 
knew, for we were bound to the south pole; all we 
had to do was to keep America on the starboard, 
and Africa on the larboard, hand. To be sure, there 
was something to be said about the trades, and a 
little allowance to be made for currents, now and 
then ; but he and the ship would get to be better 
acquainted before a great while, and then all would 
go oh like clockwork. A few days after this con 
versation, I was on deck just as day dawned, and to 
tny surprise Noah, who was in his birth, called out 


to the mate, through the sky-light, to let him know 
exactly how the land bore. No one had yet seen 
any land ; but at this summons we began to look 
about us, and sure enough there was an island 
dimly visible in the eastern board ! Its position by 
compass was immediately communicated to the 
captain, who seemed well satisfied with the result. 
Renewing his admonition to the officer of the deck 
to take care and keep Africa on the larboard hand, 
he turned over in his bed to resume his nap. 

I afterwards understood from the mates, that we 
had made a very capital fall upon the trades, and 
that we were getting on wonderfully well, though 
it was quite as great a mystery to them as it was 
to me, how the captain could know where the ship 
was ; for he had not touched his quadrant, except 
to wipe it with a silk handkerchief, since we left 
England. About a fortnight after we had passed 
the Cape de Verds, Noah came on deck in a great 
rage, and began to storm at the mate and the man 
at the wheel for not keeping the ship her course. 
To this the former answered with spirit, that the 
only order he had received in a fortnight, was "to 
keep her jogging south, allowing for variation," and 
that she was heading at that moment according to 
orders. Hereupon Noah gave Bob, who happened 
to pass him just then, a smart application a poste 
riori, and swore "that the compass was as big a fool 
as the mate ; that the ship was two points off her 
course ; that south was hereaway, and not there 
away ; that he knew by the feel of the wind that it 
had no northin' in it, and we had got it away on 
the quarter, whereas it ought to be for'ard of the 
beam ; that we were running for Rio instead of 
Leaphigh, and that if we ever expected to get to 
the latter country, we must haul up on a good taut 
bowline." The mate, to my surprise, suddenly acqui- 

202 THE MONlKlrfS. 

esced, and immediately brought the ship by the 
wind. He afterwards told me, in a half whisper, 
that the second mate having been sharpening some 
harpoons, had unwittingly left them much too close 
to the binnacle ; and that, in fact, the magnet had 
been attracted by them, so as to deceive the man 
at the wheel and himself, fully twenty degrees as to 
the real points of the compass. I must say this 
little occurrence greatly encouraged me, leaving 
no doubt about our eventual and safe arrival as 
far, at least, as the boundary of ice which separates 
the human from the monikin region. Profiting by 
this feeling of security, I now began to revive the 
intercourse with the strangers, which had been par 
tially interrupted by the novel and disagreeable 
circumstances of a sea life. 

The Lady Chatterissa and her companion, as is 
much the case with females at sea, rarely left the 
gynece*e; but, as we drew near the equator, the phi 
losopher and the young peer passed most of their 
time on deck, or aloft. Dr. Reasono and I spent 
half of the mild nights in discussing subjects con 
nected with my future travels ; and, as soon as we 
were well clear of the rain and the thunder and 
lightning of the calm latitudes, Captain Poke, 
Robert, and myself, began to study the language of 
Leaphigh. The cabin-boy was included in this 
arrangement, Noah intimating we should find it 
convenient to take him on shore with us, since a 
wish to conceal my destination had induced me to 
bring no servant along. Luckily for us, the moni 
kin ingenuity had greatly diminished the labor of 
the acquisition. The whole language was spoken 
and written on a system of decimals, which render 
ed it particularly easy, after the elementary princi 
ples were once acquired. Thus, unlike most human 
tongues, in which the rule usually forms the excep- 


tion, no departure from its laws was ever allowed, 
under the penalty of the pillory. This provision, 
the captain protested, was the best rule of them all, 
and saved a vast deal of trouble ; for, as he knew 
by experience, a man might be a perfect adept in 
the language of Stunin'tun, and then be laughed at 
in New- York for his pains. The comprehensive 
ness of the tongue was also another great advan 
tage ; though, like all other eminent advantages or 
excessive good, it was the next-door neighbor to as 
great an evil. Thus, as my Lord Chatterino obli 
gingly explained, "we -witch -it- me -cum" means 
" Mkdam, I love you from the crown of my head 
to the tip of my tail ; and as I love no other half as 
well, it would make me the happiest monikin on 
earth, if you would consent to become my wife, 
that we might be models of domestic propriety 
before all eyes, from this time henceforth and for 
ever." In short, it was the usual and the most solemn 
expression for asking in marriage; and, by the laws 
of the land, was binding on the proposer until as 
formally declined by the other party. But, unluck 
ily, the word "we-switch-it-me-cum," means "Ma 
dam, I love you from the crown of my head to the 
tip of my tail ; and, if I did not love another better, 
it would make me the happiest monikin on earth, 
if you would consent to become my wife, that we 
might be models of domestic propriety before all 
eyes, from this time henceforth and for ever." 
Now this distinction, subtle and insignificant as it 
was to the eye and the ear, caused a vast deal of 
heart-burning and disappointment among the young 
people of Leaphigh. Several serious lawsuits had 
grown out of this cause, and two great political 
parties had taken root in the unfortunate mistake 
of a young monikin of quality, who happened to 
lisp, and who used the fatal word indiscreetly. 


That feud, however, was now happily appeased, 
having lasted only a century; but it would be wise, 
as we were all three bachelors, to take note of the 
distinction. Captain Poke said he thought, on the 
whole, he was sufficiently safe, as he was much 
accustomed to the use of the word "switchel;" but 
he thought it might be very well to go before some 
consul, as soon as the ship anchored, and enter a 
formal protest of our ignorance of all these niceties, 
lest some advantage should be taken of us by the 
reptiles of lawyers ; that he in particular was not a 
bachelor, and that Miss Poke would be as furious 
as a hurricane, if, by an accident, he should happen 
to forget himself. The matter was deferred for 
future deliberation. 

About this time, too, I had some more interesting 
communications with Dr. Reasono, on the subject 
of the private histories of all the party of which he 
was the principal member. It would seem that the 
philosopher, though rich in learning, and the pro 
prietor of one of the best developed caudcB in the 
entire monikin world, was poor in the more vulgar 
attributes of monikin wealth. While he bestowed 
freely, therefore, from the stores of his philosophy, 
and through the medium of the academy of Leap- 
high, on all his fellows, he was obliged to seek an 
especial recipient for his surplus knowledge, in the 
shape of a pupil, in order to provide for the small 
remains of the animal that still lingered in his habits. 
Lord Chatterino, the orphan heritor of one of the 
noblest and wealthiest, as well as one of the most 
ancient houses of Leaphigh, had been put under his 
instruction at a very tender age, as had my Lady 
Chatterissa under that of Mrs. Lynx, with very 
much the same objects. This young and accom 
plished pair had early distinguished each other, in 
monikin society, for their unusual graces of person, 
general attainments, mutual amiableness of disposi- 


tion, harmony of thought, and soundness of princi 
ples. Every thing was propitious to the gentle 
flame which was kindled in the vestal bosom of 
Chatterissa, and which was met by a passion so 
ardent, and so respectful, as that which glowed in 
the heart of young No. 8 purple. The friends of the 
respective parties, so soon as the budding sympathy 
between them was observed, in order to prevent 
the blight of wishes so appropriate, had called in 
the aid of the matrimonial surveyor-general of 
Leaphigh, an officer especially appointed by the 
king in council, whose duty it is to take cognizance 
of the proprieties of all engagements that are likely 
to assume a character as grave and durable as that 
of marriage. Dr. Reasono showed me the certifi 
cate issued from the Marriage Department on this 
occasion, and which, in all his wanderings, he had 
contrived to conceal within the lining of the Span 
ish hat the Savoyards had compelled him to wear, 
and which he still preserved as a document that 
was absolutely indispensable on his return to Leap- 
high; else he would never be'permitted to travel a 
foot in company with two young people of birth 
and of good estates, who were of the different sexes. 
I translate the certificate, as literally as the poverty 
of the English language will allow. 

EXTRACT from the Book of Fitness, Marriage De 
partment, Leaphigh, season of nuts, day of 

Vol. 7243, p. 82. 

Lord Chatterino: Domains; 126,952J acres of 
land ; meadow, arable and wood in just proportions. 

Lady Chatterissa: Domains; 11 5,999 J acres of 
land ; mostly arable. 

Decree, as of record ; it is found that the lands 

VOL. I. 18 


of my Lady Chatterissa possess in quality what 
they want in quantity. 

Lord Chatterino : Birth ; sixteen descents pure ; 
one bastardy four descents pure a suspicion 
one descent pure a certainty. 

Lady Chatterissa: Birth; six descents pure 
three bastardies eleven descents pure a cer 
tainty a suspicion unknown. 

Decree as of record ; it is found that the advan 
tage is on the side of my Lord Chatterino, but the 
excellence of the estate on the other side is believed 
to equalize the parties. 

(Signed) No. 6 ermine. A true copy, 

(Counter signed) No. 1,000,003 ink-color. 

Ordered, that the parties make the Journey of 
Trial together, under the charge of Socrates Rea- 
sono, Professor of Probabilities in the University 
of Leaphigh, L. L. D., F. U. D. G. E., and of Mrs. 
Vigilance Lynx, licensed duenna. 

The Journey of Trial is so peculiar to the moni- 
kin system, and it might be so usefully introduced 
into our own, that it may be well to explain it. 
Whenever it is found that a young couple are 
agreeable (to use a peculiarly anglicized angli- 
cism), in all the more essential requisites of matri 
mony, they are sent on the journey in question, 
under the care of prudent and experienced mentors, 
with a view to ascertain how far they may be able to 
support, in each other's society, the ordinary vicissi 
tudes of life. In the case of candidates of the more vul 
gar classes, there are official overseers, who usually 
drag them through a few mud-puddles, and then 
set them to work at some hard labor that is espe 
cially profitable to the public functionaries, who 
commonly get the greater part of their own year's 
work done in this manner. But, as the moral pro- 


visions of all laws are invented less for those who 
own 1 26,952 J acres of land, divided into meadow, 
arable and wood, in just proportions, than for those 
whdse virtues are more likely to yield to the fiery 
ordeal of temptation, the rich and noble, after 
making a proper and useful manifestation of their 
compliance with the usage, ordinarily retire to 
their country-seats, where they pass the period of 
probation as agreeably as they can ; taking care 
to cause to be inserted in the Leaphigh gazette, 
however, occasional extracts from their letters, 
describing the pains and hardships they are com 
pelled to endure, for the consolation and edification 
of those who have neither birth nor country-houses. 
In a good many instances the journey is actually 
performed by proxy. But the case of my Lord 
Chatterino and my Lady Chatterissa formed an 
exception even to these exceptions. It was thought 
by the authorities, that the attachment of a pair so 
illustrious offered a good occasion to distinguish the 
Leaphigh impartiality ; and, on the well-known 
principle which induces us sometimes to hang an 
Earl in England, the young couple was command 
ed actually to go forth with all useful 6clat, (secret 
orders being given to their guardians to allow 
every possible indulgence, at the same time,) in 
order that the lieges might see and exult in the 
sternness and integrity of their rulers. 

Dr. Reasono had accordingly taken his depar 
ture from the capital for the mountains, where he 
instructed his wards in a practical commentary on 
the ups and downs of life, by exposing them on the 
verges of precipices and in the delights of the most 
fertile valleys, (which, as he justly observed, was 
the greater danger of the two,) leading them over 
flinty paths, hungry and cold, in order to try their 
tempers; and setting up establishments with the 


most awkward peasants for servants, to ascertain 
the depth of Chatterissa's philosophy ; with a vari 
ety of similar ingenious devices, that will readily 
suggest themselves to all who have any matrimo 
nial experience, whether they live in palaces or 
cottages. When this part of the trial was success 
fully terminated, (the result having shown that the 
gentle Chatterissa was of proof, so far as mere tem 
per was concerned,) the whole party was ordered 
off to the barrier of ice, which divides the monikin 
from the human region, \vith a view to ascertain 
whether the warmth of their attachment was of a 
nature likely to resist the freezing collisions of the 
world. Here, unfortunately, (for the truth must be 
said,) an unlucky desire of Dr. Reasono, who was 
already F. U. D. G. E., but who had a devouring 
ambition to become also M.O.R.E., led him into the 
extreme imprudence of pushing through an opening, 
where he had formerly discovered an island, on an 
ancient expedition of the same sort ; and on which 
island he thought he saw a rock, that formed a 
stratum of what he believed to be a portion of the 
43,000 square miles, that were discomposed by 
the great eruption of the earth's boiler. The phi 
losopher foresaw a thousand interesting results that 
were dependent on the ascertaining of this impor 
tant fact; for all the learning of Leaphigh having 
been exhausted, some five hundred years before, in 
establishing the greatest distance to which any frag 
ment had been thrown on that memorable occasion, 
great attention had latterly been given to the dis 
covery of the least distance any fragment had been 
hurled. Perhaps I ought to speak tenderly of the con 
sequences of a learned zeal, but it was entirely owing 
to this indiscretion that the whole party fell into the 
hands of certain mariners who were sealing on the 
northern shores of this very island, (friends and 

TPHE MOtflKltfS. 209 

neighbours, as it afterwards appeared, of Captain 
Poke,) who remorselessly seized upon the travellers, 
and sold them to a homeward-bound Indiaman, 
which they afterwards fell in with, near the island 
of St. Helena St. Helena! the tomb of him who is 
a model to all posterity, for the moderation of his 
desires, the simplicity of his character, a deep vene 
ration for truth, profound reverence for justice, 
unwavering faith, and a clear appreciation of all 
the nobler virtues ! /. * : : ; 

We came in sight of the island in question, just 
as Dr. Reasono concluded his interesting narrative; 
and, turning to Captain Poke, I solemnly asked 
that discerning and shrewd .seaman, 

"If he did not think the future would fully 
avenge itself of the past if history would not do 
ample justice to the mighty dead if certain names 
would not be consigned to everlasting infamy for 
chaining a hero to a rock; and whether his country, 
the land of freemen, would ever have disgraced 
itself, by such an-act of barbarism and vengeance?" 

The Captain heard me very calmly; then de 
liberately helping himself to some tobacco, he 
replied : 

"Harkee, Sir John. At Stunin'tun, when we 
catch a ferocious crittur', we always put it in a cage. 
I'm no great mathematician, as I've often told you; 
but if my dog bites me once, I kick him twice, I 
beat him thrice, I chain him." 

Alas ! there are minds so unfortunately consti 
tuted, that they have no sympathies with the sub 
lime. All their tendencies are direct and common 
sense-like. To such men, Napoleon appears little 
better than one who lived among his fellows more 
in the character of a tiger than in that of a man. 
They condemn him because he could not reduce 
his own sense of the attributes of greatness to the 


level of their homebred morality. Among this 
number, it would now seem, was to be classed 
Captain Noah Poke. 

A wish to relate the manner in which Dr. 
Reasono and his companions fell into human 
hands, has caused me to overlook one or two 
matters of lighter moment, that should not, in 
justice to myself, however, be entirely omitted. 

When we had been at sea two days, a very 
agreeable surprise for the monikin party, was 
prepared and executed. I had caused a certain 
number of jackets and trowsers to be made of 
the skins of different animals, such as dogs, cats, 
sheep, tigers, leopards, hogs, &c. &c., with the 
proper accompaniments of snouts, hoofs, and 
claws ; and, when the ladies came on deck, after 
breakfast, their eyes were no longer offended by 
our rude innovations upon nature, but the whole 
crew were flying about the rigging, like so many 
animals of the different species named. Noah 
and myself appeared in the characters of sea-lions, 
the former having intimated that he understood the 
nature of that beast better than any other. Of 
course, this delicate attention was properly appre 
ciated, and handsomely acknowledged. 

I had taken the precaution to order imitation- 
skins to be made of cotton, which were worn in 
the low latitudes; and, as we got near the Falk 
land Islands, the real skins were resumed, with 
promptitude, and I might add, with pleasure. 

Noah had, at first, raised some strong objec 
tions to the scheme, saying that he should not feel 
safe in a ship manned and officered altogether by 
wild beasts; but, at last, he came to enjoy the 
thing as a good joke, never failing to hail the men, 
not by their names as formerly, but, as he ex 
pressed it himself, " by their natur's ;" calling out 


" You cat, scatch this ;" " You tiger, jump here ;" 
" You hog, out of that dirt ;" " You dog, scamper 
there;" "You horse, haul away," and divers other 
similar conceits, that singularly tickled his fancy. 
The men themselves took up the ball, which they 
kept rolling, embellished with all sorts of nautical 
witticisms ; their surname they had but one, 
viz. Smith being entirely dropped for the new 
appellations. Thus, the sounds of "Tom Dog," 
"Jack Cat," "Bill Tiger," "Sam Hog," and 
" Dick Horse," were flying about the decks, from 
morning to night. 

Good humour is a great alleviator of bodily 
privation. From the time the ship lost sight of 
Staten Land, we had heavy weather, with hard 
gales from the southward and westward ; and we 
had the utmost difficulty in making our southing. 
Observations now became a very difficult matter, 
the sun being invisible for a week at a time. The 
marine instinct of Noah, at this crisis, was of the 
last importance to all on board. He gave us the 
cheering assurance, however, from time to time, 
that we were going south, although the mates 
declared that they knew not where the ship was, 
or whither she was running ; neither sun, moon, nor 
star having now been seen for more than a week. 

We had been in this state of anxiety and doubt 
for about a fortnight, when Captain Poke suddenly 
appeared on deck, and called for the cabin-boy, 
in his usual stentorian and no-denial voice, by the 
name of " You Bob Ape ;" for the duty of Robert 
requiring that he should be much about the persons 
of the monikins, I had given him a dress of apes' 
skins, as a garb that would be more congenial to 
their tastes than that of a pig, or a weasel. Bob 
Ape was soon forthcoming, and, as he approached 
his master, he quietly turned his face from him, 

212 TflE MONIKItfS. 

receiving, as a matter of course, three or four 
smart admonitory hints, by way of letting him 
know that he was to be active in the performance 
of the duty on which he was about to be sent. 
On this occasion I made an odd discovery. Bob 
had profited by the dimensions of his lower gar 
ment, which had been cut for a much larger 
boy, (one of those who had broken down in essay 
ing the true Doric of " Sir,") by stuffing it with 
an old union-jack a sort of " sarvice," as he 
afterwards told rne, that saved him a good deal 
of wear and tear of skin. To return to passing 
events, however: when Robert had been duly kick 
ed, he turned about manfully, and demanded the 
captain's pleasure. He was told to bring the largest 
and the fairest pumpkin he could find, from the 
private stores of Mr. Poke, that navigator never 
going to sea without a store of articles, that he 
termed " Stunin'tun food." The Captain took the 
pumpkin between his legs, and carefully peeled off 
the whole of its greenish-yellow coat, leaving it a 
globe of a whitish colour. He then asked for the 
tar-bucket; and, with his fingers, traced various 
marks, which were pretty accurate outlines of the 
different continents and the larger islands of the 
world. The region near the south pole, however, 
he left untouched ; intimating that it contained 
certain sealing islands, which he considered pretty 
much as the private property of the Stunin'tunners. 
"Now, Doctor," he said, pointing to the pump 
kin, " there is the 'arth, and here is the tar-pot 
just mark down the position of your island of 
Leaphigh, if you please, according to the best 
accounts your academy has of the matter. Make 
a dab, here and there, if you happen to know of 
any rocks and shoals. After that, you can lay 
down the island where you were captured, giving 


a general idee of its headlands and of the trending 
of the coast.'* 

Dr. Reasono took a fidd, and with its end he 
traced all the desired objects with great readiness 
and skill. Noah examined the work, and seemed 
satisfied that he had fallen into the hands of a 
monikin who had very correct notions of bearings 
and distances, one, in short, on whose local know- 
edge it might do to run even in the night. He 
then projected the position of Stunin'tun, an occu 
pation in which he took great delight, actually 
designing the meeting-house and the principal 
tavern; after which, the chart was laid aside. 


How to steer small How to run the gauntlet with a ship 
How to go clear A new-fashioned screw-dock, and certain 

CAPTAIN POKE no longer deliberated about the 
course we were to steer. With his pumpkin for 
a chart, his instinct for an observation, and his 
nose for a compass, the sturdy sealer stood boldly 
to the southward; or, at least, he ran dead before a 
stiff gale, which, as he more than once affirmed, 
was as true a norther as if bred and born in the 

After coursing over the billows, at a tremendous 
rate, for a day and a night, the Captain appeared 
on deck, with a face of unusual meaning, and a 
mind loaded with its own reflections, as was 
proved by his winking knowingly whenever he 
delivered himself of a sentiment ; a. habit that he 


had most probably contracted, in early youth, at 
Stunin'tun, for it seemed to be quite as inveterate 
as it was thorough-bred. 

" We shall soon know, Sir John," he observed, 
hitching the sea-lion skin into symmetry, "whether 
it' is sink or swim !" 

" Pray explain yourself, Mr. Poke," cried I, in 
a little alarm. " If any thing serious is to happen, 
you are bound to give timely notice." 

"Death is always untimely to some crittur's, Sir 

" Am I to understand, sir, that you mean to cast 
away the ship ?" 

" Not if I can help it, Sir John ; but a craft that 
is foreordained to be a wrack, will be a wrack, in 
spite of reefing and bracing. Look ahead, you 
Dick Lion ay, there you have it !" 

There we had it, sure enough ! I can only 
compare the scene which now met my eyes, to a 
sudden view of the range of the Oberland Alps, 
when the spectator is unexpectedly placed on the 
verge of the precipice of the Weissenstein. There 
he would see before him a boundless barrier of 
glittering ice, broken into the glorious and fantas 
tic forms of pinnacles, walls and valleys ; while 
here, we saw all that was sublime in such a view, 
heightened by the fearful action of the boisterous 
ocean, which beat upon the impassable boundary, 
in ceaseless violence. 

" Good God ! Captain Poke," I exclaimed, the 
instant I caught a glimpse of the formidable dan 
ger that menaced us, " you surely do not mean to 
continue madly on, with such a warning of the 
consequences in plain view ?" 

" What would you have, Sir John ? Leaphigh 
lies on the t'other side of these ice-islands ?" 

" But you need not run the ship against them 
why not go round them? 5 


" Because they go round the 'arth, in this lati 
tude. Now is the time to speak, Sir John. If we 
are bound to Leaphigh, we have the choice of 
three pretty desperate chances ; to go through, to 
go under, or to go over that there ice. If we are 
to put back, there is not a moment to lose, for it 
may be even now questioned whether the ship 
would claw off, as we are, with a sending sea, 
and this heavy norther." 

I believe I would, at that moment, gladly have 
given up all my social stakes to be well rid of the 
adventure. Still pride, that substitute for so many 
virtues, the greatest and the most potent of all 
hypocrites, forbade my betraying the desire to 
retreat. I deliberated, while the ship flew ; and 
when, at length, I turned to the captain to suggest 
a doubt that might, at an earlier notice, possibly 
have changed the whole aspect of affairs, he blunt 
ly told me it was too late. It was safer to proceed 
than to return, if, indeed, return were possible, in 
the present state of the winds and waves. Making 
a merit of necessity, I braced my nerves to meet 
the crisis, and remained a submissive, and, appa 
rently, a calm spectator, of that which followed. 

The Walrus, (such was the name of our good 
ship,) by this time, was under easy canvas, and 
yet, urged by the gale, she rolled down, with 
alarming velocity, towards the boundary of foam, 
where the congealed and the still liquid element 
held their strife. The summits of the frozen crags 
waved in their glittering glory, in a way just to- 
show that they were afloat ; and I remembered 
to have heard that, at times, as their bases melted, 
entire mountains had been known to roll over, 
engulphing all that lay beneath. To me it seemed 
but a moment, before the ship was fairly over 
shadowed by these shining cliffs, which gently 
undulating, waved their frozen summits nearly a 


thousand feet in air. I looked at Noah, in alarm, 
for it appeared to me, that he intentionally precipi 
tated us to destruction. But, just as I was about 
to remonstrate, he made a sign with his hand, and 
the vessel was brought to the wind. Still retreat 
was impossible ; for the heave of the sea was too 
powerful, and the wind too heavy, to leave us any 
hope of long keeping the Walrus from drifting 
down upon the ragged peaks that bristled in icy 
glory to leeward. Nor did Captain Poke, him 
self, seem to entertain any such design ; for, instead 
of hugging the gale, in order to haul oft' from the 
danger, he had caused the yards to be laid perfectly 
square, and we were now running, at a great rate, 
in a line nearly parallel with the frozen coast, 
though gradually setting upon it. 

" Keep full ! Let her go through water, you Jim 
Tiger," said the old sealer, whose professional ardor 
was fairly aroused. " Now, Sir John, unluckily, we 
are on the wrong side of these ice-mountains, for 
the plain reason, that Leaphigh lies to the south'ard 
of them. We must be stirring, therefore, for no 
craft that was ever launched could keep off these 
crags, with such a gale driving home upon them, 
for more than an hour or two. Our great concern, 
at present, is to look out for a hole to run into." 

" Why have you come so close to the danger, 
with your knowledge of the consequences ?" 

" To own the truth, Sir John, natur^ is natur', 
and I'm getting to be a little near-sighted as I grow 
old ; besides, I'm not so sartain that danger is the 
more dangerous, for taking a good steady look 
plump in its face." 

Noah raised his hand, as much as to say he 
wished no answer, and both of us were immedi 
ately occupied in gazing anxiously to leeward. The 
ship was just opening a small cove in the ice, which 


might have been a cable's length in depth and a 
quarter of a mile across its outer, or the widest, 
part. Its form was regular, being that of a semi 
circle ; but, at its bottom, the ice, instead of form 
ing a continued barrier, like all the rest we had 
yet passed, was separated by a narrow opening, 
that was bounded on each side by a frowning pre 
cipice. The two bergs were evidently drawing 
nearer to each other, but there was still a strait, 
or a watery gorge between them, of some two 
hundred feet in width. As the ship plunged on 
ward, the pass was opened, and we caught a 
glimpse of the distant view to leeward. It was 
merely a glimpse the impatient Walrus allowing 
us but a moment for examination, but it appeared 
sufficient for the purposes of the old sealer. We 
were already across the mouth of the cove, and 
within a cable's length of the ice again ; for as we 
drew near what may be called the little cape, we 
found ourselves once more in closer proximity to 
the menacing mountain. It was a moment when 
all depended on decision'; and, fortunately, our 
sealer, who was so wary and procrastinating In a 
bargain, never had occasion to make two drafts 
on his thoughts, in situations of emergency. As 
the ship cleared the promontory on the eastern 
side of the cove, we again opened a curvature of 
the ice, which gave a little more water to leeward. 
Tacking was impossible, and the helm was put 
hard-a- weather. The bow of the Walrus- fell off, 
and as she rose on the next wave, I thought its 
send would carry us helplessly down upon the 
berg. But the good craft, obedient to her rudder, 
whirled round, as if sensible herself of the dan 
ger, and, in less time than I had ever before known 
her to ware, we felt the wind on the other quarter. 
Our cats and dogs bestirred themselves, for there 
' VOL. I. 19 


was no one there, Captain Noah Poke excepted, 
whose heart did not beat quick and hard. In much 
less time than usual, the yards were braced up on 
the other tack, and the ship was ploughing heavily 
against the sea, with her head to the westward. 
It is impossible to give one who has never been in 
such a situation, a just idea of the feverish impa 
tience, the sinking and mounting of hope, as we 
watch the crab-like movement of .a vessel, that is 
clawing off a lee shore, in a gale. In the present 
case, it being well known that the sea was fathom 
less, we had run so near the danger that not even 
the smallest of its horrors was veiled from sight. 

While the ship labored along, I saw the clouds 
fast shutting in to windward, by the interposition 
of the promontory of ice, the certain sign that 
our drift was rapid, and, as we drew nearer to 
the point, breathing became labored and even 
audible. Here Noah took a chew of tobacco, I 
presume on the principle of enjoying a last quid, 
should the elements prove fatal ; and then he went 
to the wheel in person. 

" Let her go through the water," he said, easing 
the helm a little " let her jog ahead, or we shall 
lose command of her in this devil's-pot !" 

The vessel felt the slight change, and drew 
faster through the foaming brine, bringing us, with 
increasing velocity, nearer to the dreaded point. 
As we came up to the promontory, the water fell 
back in spray on the decks, and there was an in 
stant when it appeared as if the wind was about 
to desert us. Happily the ship had drawn so far 
ahead, as to feel the good effects of a slight 
change of current that was caused by the air 
rushing obliquely into the cove ; and, as Noah, by 
easing the helm still more, had anticipated this 
alteration, which had been felt adversely but a 


moment before, while struggling to the eastward 
of the promontory, we drew swiftly past the icy 
cape, opening the cove handsomely, with the ship's 
head falling off fast towards the gorge. 

There was but a minute, or two, for squaring 
the yards and obtaining the proper position to 
windward of the narrow strait. Instead of run- 
niag down in a direct line for the latter, Captain 
Poke kept the ship on such a course as to lay it 
well open, before her head was pointed toward 
the passage. By this time, the two bergs had 
drawn so near each other as actually to form an 
arch across its mouth ; and this too, at a part so 
low as to render it questionable whether there 
was sufficient elevation to permit the Walrus to 
pass beneath. But retreat was impossible, the 
gale urging the ship furiously onward. The width 
of the passage was now but little more than a 
hundred feet, and it actually required the nicest 
steerage to keep our yard-arms clear of the oppo 
site precipices, as. the vessel dashed, with foam 
ing bows, into the gorge. The wind drew through 
the opening with tremendous violence, fairly howl 
ing, .as if in delight at discovering a passage by 
which it might continue its furious career. We 
may have been aided by the sucking of the wind 
and the waves, both of which were irresistibly 
drawn towards the pass, or it is quite probable 
that the skill of Captain Poke did us good service, 
on this awful occasion; but, owing to the one 
or the other, or to the two causes united, the 
Walrus shot into, the gorge* so accurately, as to 
avoid touching either of the lateral margins of the 
ice. We were not so fortunate, however, with 
the loftier spars ; for," scarcely was the vessel be 
neath the arch, when she lifted on a swell, and 
her main-top-gallant-mast snapped off in the cap. 


The ice groaned and cracked over our heads; 
and large fragments fell both ahead and astern of 
us, several of them even tumbling upon our decks. 
One large piece came down within an inch of the 
extremity of Dr. Reasono's tail, just escaping the 
dire calamity of knocking out the brains of that 
profound and philo-monikin philosopher. In another 
instant, the ship was through the pass, which com 
pletely closed, with the crash of an earthquake, as 
soon as possible afterwards. 

Still driven by the gale, we ran rapidly towards 
the south, along a channel less than a quarter of a 
mile in width, the bergs evidently closing on each 
side of us, and the ship, as if conscious of her jeo 
pardy, doing her utmost, with Captain Poke still at 
the wheel. In little more than an hour, the worst 
was over; the Walrus issuing into an open basin 
of several leagues in extent, which was, however, 
completely encircled by the frozen mountains. 
Here Noah took a look at the pumpkin, after which 
he made no ceremony in plumply telling Dr. Rea- 
sono that he had been greatly mistaken in laying 
down the position of Captivity Island, as he him 
self had named the spot where the amiable stran 
gers had fallen into human hands. The philosopher 
was a little tenacious of his opinion ; but what is 
argument in the face of facts ? Here was the pump 
kin, and there were the blue waters! The Captain 
now quite frankly declared that he had great doubts 
whether there was any such place as Leaphigh at 
all ; and as the ship had a capital position for such 
an object, he bluntly, though privately, proposed to 
me, that we should throw all the monikins over 
board, project the entire polar basin on his chart, 
as being entirely free from islands, and then go a 
sealing. I rejected the propositions, firstly, as pre 
mature ; secondly, as inhuman ; thirdly, as inhos- 


pitable ; fourthly, as inconvenient ; and lastly, as 

There might have arisen a disagreeable contro 
versy between us, on this point ; for Mr. Poke had 
begun to warm, and to swear that one good seal, 
of the true quality of fur, was worth a hundred 
monkeys ; w r hen most happily the panther at the 
mast-head cried out that two of the largest of the 
mountains, to the southward of us, were separat 
ing, and that he could discern a passage into 
another basin. Hereupon Captain Poke concen 
trated his oaths, which he caused to explode like 
a bomb, and instantly made sail, again, in the 
proper direction. By three o'clock, P. M., we had 
run the gauntlet of the bergs, a second time, and 
were at least a. degree nearer the pole, in the basin 
just alluded to. 

The mountains had now entirely disappeared 
in the southern board; but the sea was covered, 
far as the eye could reach, with field-ice. Noah 
stood on, without apprehension; for the water had 
been smooth ever since we- entered the first open 
ing, the wind not having rake enough to knock up 
a swell. When about a mile from the margin of 
the frozen and seemingly interminable plain, the 
ship was brought, to the wind, and hove-to. 

Ever since the vessel left the docks, there had 
been six sets of spars of a form so singular, lying 
among the booms, that they had often been the 
subject of conversation between the mates and 
myself, neither of the former being able to tell 
their uses. These sticks were of no great length, 
some fifteen feet at the most, of sound English 
oak. Two or three pairs were alike, for they 
were in pairs, each pair having one of the sides 
of a shape resembling different parts of the ship's 
bottom, with the exception that they were chiefly 


concave, while the bottom of a vessel is mainly 
convex. Al one extremity each pair was firmly 
connected by a short, massive, iron link, of about 
two feet in length; and, at its opposite end, a 
large eye-bolt was driven into each stick, where 
it was securely forelocked. When the Walrus was 
stationary, we learned, for the first time, the uses 
of these unusual preparations. A pair of the tim 
bers, which were of great solidity and strength, 
were dropped over the stern, and, sinking beneath 
the keel, their upper extremities were separated, 
by means of lanyards turned into the eye-bolts. 
The lanyards were then brought forward to the 
bilge of the vessel, where, by the help of tackles, 
the timbers were rowsed up in such a manner, 
that the link came clo-se to the false-keel, and the 
timbers themselves were laid snug against each 
side of the ship. As great care had been taken, by 
means of marks on the vessel, as w r ell as in forming 
the skids themselves, the fit was perfect. No less 
than five pairs -were secured in and near the bilge, 
and as many more were distributed forward and 
aft, according to the shape of the bottom. Fore- 
and-aft pieces, that reached from one skid to the 
other, were then placed between those about the 
bilge of the ship, each' of them having a certain 
number of short ribs, extending upwards and 
downwards. These fore-and-aft pieces were laid 
along the water-line, their ends entering the skids 
by means of mortices and tenons, where they were 
snugly bolted. The result of the entire arrange 
ment was to give the vessel an exterior protection 
against the field-ice, by means of a sort of net 
work of timber, the whole of which had been so 
accurately fitted in the dock, as to bear equally 
on her frame. These preparations were not fairly 
completed before ten o'clock on the following 


morning, when Noah stood directly for an opening 
in the ice before us, which, just about that time 
began to be apparent. 

" We sha'n't go so fast for our armour," ob 
served the cautious old sealer ; " but what we 
want in heels, we'll make up in bottom." 

For the whole of that day, we worked our de 
vious course, by great labor, and at uncertain 
intervals, to the southward ; and at night, we fas 
tened the Walrus to a floe, in waiting for the 
return of light. Just as the day dawned, however, 
I heard a tremendous grating sound against the 
side of the vessel; and, rushing on deck, I found 
that we were completely caught between two 
immense fields, which seemed to be attracted 
towards each other for no other apparent purpose 
than to crush us. Here it was that the expedient 
of Captain Poke made manifest its merits. Pro 
tected by the massive timbers, and false ribs, the 
bilge of the ship resisted the pressure; and as, 
under such circumstances, something must yield, 
luckily nothing but the attraction of gravitation 
was overcome. The skids, through their inclina 
tion, acted as wedges, the links pressing against 
the keel ; and, in the course of an hour, the Wal 
rus was gradually lifted out of the water, main 
taining her upright position, in consequence of the 
powerful nip of the floes. No sooner was this 
experiment handsomely effected, than Mr. Poke 
jumped upon the ice, and commenced an exami 
nation of the ship's bottom. 

"Here's a dry dock for you, Sir John!" ex 
claimed the old sealer, chuckling. " I'll have a 
patent for this, the moment I put foot ag'in in 

A feeling of security, to which I had been a 
stranger ever since we entered the ice, was created 


by the composure of Noah, and by his self-con 
gratulation at what he called his project to get a 
look at the Walrus's bottom. Notwithstanding all 
the fine declarations of exultation and success, 
however, that he flourished among us who were 
not mariners, I was much disposed to think that, 
like other, men of extraordinary genius, he had 
blundered on the grand result of his "ice-screws," 
and that it was not foreseen and calculated. Let 
this be as it may, however, all hands were soon 
on the floe, with brooms, scrapers, hammers, and 
nails, and the opportunity of repairing and clean 
ing was thoroughly improved. 

For four-and-twenty hours the ship remained 
in the same attitude, stiff as a church, and some 
of us began to entertain apprehensions, that she 
might be kept on her frozen blocks for ever. The 
accident had happened, according to the statements 
of Captain Poke, in lat. 78 13' 26" although I 
never knew in what manner he ascertained the 
important particular of our precise situation. Think 
ing it might be well to get some more accurate 
ideas on this subject, after so long and ticklish a 
run, I procured the quadrant from Bob Ape, and 
brought it down upon the ice, where I made it a 
point, as an especial -favor, the weather being 
favorable and the proper hour near, that our com 
mander would correct his instinct by a solar ob 
servation. Noah protested that your old seaman, 
especially if a sealer and a Stunin'tunner, had no 
occasion for such geometry-operations, as he 
termed -them; that it might be well enough, per 
haps necessary, for your counting-house, silk- 
gloved captains, who run between New-York and 
Liverpool, to be rubbing up their glasses and 
polishing their sextants, for they hardly ever knew 
where they were, except at such times; but as for 

THE MON1K1NS. 225 

himself, he had little need of turning star-gazer at 
his time of life, and that, as he had already told 
me, he was getting to be near-sighted, and had 
some doubts whether he could discern an object 
like the sun, that was known to be so many thou 
sands of millions of miles from the earth. These 
scruples, however, were overcome by my clean 
ing the glasses, preparing a barrel for him to stand 
on, that he might be at the customary elevation 
above his horizon, and putting the instrument into 
his hands, the mates standing near, ready to make 
the calculations, when he gave the sun's declina 

" We are drifting south'ard, I know," said Mr. 
Poke, before he commenced his sight; " I feel it 
in my bones. We are, at this moment, in 79 36' 
14" having made a southerly drift of more than 
eighty miles, since yesterday noon. Now, mind 
my words, and see what the sun will say about it." 

When the calculations were made, our latitude 
was found to be 79 35' 47". Noah was somewhat 
j>uzzled by the difference, for which he could" in 
no plausible way account, as the observation had 
been unusually good and certain. But an opinion 
ated and an ingenious man is seldom at a loss to 
find a sufficient reason to establish his own cor 
rectness, or to prove the mistakes of others. 

"Ay, I see how it is/' he said, after a little 
cogitation; "the sun must be wrong it should be 
no wonder if the sun did get a little out of his track, 
in these high, cold latitudes. Yes, yes : the sun 
must be wrong." 

I was too much delighted at being certain we 
were going on our course to dispute the point, 
and the great luminary was abandoned to the 
imputation of sometimes being in error. Dr. 
Reasono took occasion to say, in my private ear, 
that there was a sect of philosophers in Leaphigh, 


who had long distrusted the accuracy of the plan 
etary system, and who had even thrown out hints 
that the earth, in its annual revolution, moved in 
a direction absolutely contrary to that which Na 
ture had .contemplated when she gave the original 
polar impulse; but that, as regarded himself, he 
thought very little of these opinions, as he had fre 
quent occasion to observe that there was a large 
class of monikins whose ideas always went up hill. 
For two more days and as many nights, we 
continued to drift with the floes to the southward, 
or as 'near as might be, towards the haven of our 
wishes. On the fourth morning, there was a suit 
able change in the weather; both thermometer 
and barometer rose ; the- air became more bland, 
and most of our cats and dogs, notwithstanding 
we were still surrounded by the ice, began to cast 
their skins. Dr. Reasono noted these signs, and 
stepping on the floe he brought back with him a 
considerable fragment of the frozen element. 
This was carried to the camboose, where it was 
subjected to the action of fire, which, within a 
given number of minutes, pretty much as a matter 
of course, as I thought, caused it to.melt. The whole 
process was watched with an anxiety the most in 
tense, by the whole of the monikins, however ; and 
when the result was announced, the amiable and 
lovely Chatterissa clapped her pretty little pattes 
with joy, and gave all the other natural indica 
tions of delight, which characterize the emotions 
of that gentle sex of which she was so bright an 
ornament. Dr. Reasono was not backward in ex 
plaining the cause of so much unusual exhilaration, 
for hitherto her manner had been characterized 
by the well-bred and sophisticated restraint which 
marks high training. The experiment had shown, 
by the infallible and scientific tests of monikin 


chemistry, that we were now within the influence 
of a steam-climate, and there could no longer be 
any rational doubt of our eventual arrival in the 
polar basin. 

The result proved that the philosopher was right. 
About noon the floes, which all that day had be 
gun to assume what is termed a * sloppy character,' 
suddenly gave way, and the Walrus settled down 
into her proper element, with great equanimity and 
propriety. Captain Poke lost no time in unship 
ping the skids; and, a smacking breeze, that was 
well saturated with steam, springing up from the 
westward, we made sail. Our course was due 
south, without regard to the ice, which yielded be 
fore our bows like so much thick water, and, just 
as the sun set, we entered the open sea, rioting in 
the luxuriance of its genial climate, in triumph. 

Sail was carried on the ship all that night ; and 
just as the day dawned, we made the first mile 
stone, a proof, not to be mistaken, that. we were 
now actually in the monikin region. Dr. Reasono 
had the goodness to explain to us the history of 
these aquatic phenomena. If would seem that 
when the earth exploded, its entire crust, through 
out the whole of this part of the world, was start 
ed upward in such a way as to give a very uni 
form depth to the sea, which in no place exceeds 
four fathoms. It follows, as a consequence, that 
no prevalence of northerly winds can force the 
icebergs beyond 78 of south latitude, as they in 
variably ground on reaching the- outer edge of 
the polar bank. The floes, being thin, are melt 
ed of course ; and thus, by this beneficent preven 
tion, the monikin world is kept entirely free from 
the very danger to which a vulgar mind would be 
the most apt to believe it is the most exposed. 

A congress of nations had been held, about five 


centuries since, which was called the Holy-philo- 
marine-safety-and-find-the-way Alliance. At this 
Congress the high contracting parties agreed 
to name a commission to make provision, gene 
rally, for the secure navigation of the seas. One 
of the expedients of this commission, which, by 
the way, is said to have been composed of very 
illustrious monikins, was to cause massive blocks 
of stone to be laid down, at measured distances, 
throughout the whole of the basin, and in which 
other stone uprights were secured. The necessa 
ry inscriptions were graved on proper tablets, and 
as we approached the one already named, I ob 
served that it had the image of a monikin, carved 
also in stone, with his tail extended in a right line, 
pointing, as Mr. Poke assured me, S. and by W. 
half W. I had made sufficient progress in the 
monikin language, to read, as we glided past this 
water-mark "To Leaphigh, 15 miles." One 
monikin mile, however, we were next told, was 
equal to nine English statute miles ; and, conse 
quently, W 7 e were not quite so near our port as 
was at first supposed. I expressed great satisfac 
tion at finding ourselves so fairly on the road, how 
ever, and paid Dr. Reasono some well-merited 
compliments on the high state of civilization to 
which his species had evidently arrived. The day 
was not distant, I added, when, it was reasonable 
to suppose, our own seas would have floating res 
taurants and cafes, with suitable pot-houses for the 
mariners ; though I did not well see how we were 
to provide a substitute for their own excellent or 
ganization of mile-stones. The Doctor received 
my compliments with a proper modesty, saying 
that he had no doubt mankind would do all that 
lay in their power to have good eating and drink- 
ing-houses, wherever they could be established; 
but, as to the marine mile-stones, he agreed with 


me, that there was little hope of their being plant 
ed, until the crust of the earth should be driven 
upward, so as to rise within four fathoms of the 
surface of the water. On the other hand, Captain 
Poke held this latter improvement very cheap. He 
affirmed it was no sign of civilization at all, for, as a 
man became civilized, he had less need of primers 
and finger-boards; and, as for Leaphigh, any toler 
able navigator might see it bore S. by W. half W. 
allowing for variation, distant 135 English miles. 
To these objections I was silent, for I had had fre 
quent occasions to observe that men very often 
underrate any advantage of which they have 
come into the enjoyment by a providential inter 

Just as the sun was in the meridian, the cry of 
4 land ahead' was heard from aloft. The monikins 
were all smiles and gratitude ; the crew was ex 
cited by admiration and wonder ; and, as for my 
self, I was literally ready to jump out of my skin, 
not only with delight, but, in some measure also, 
from the exceeding warmth of the atmosphere. Our 
cats and dogs began to uncase ; Bob was obliged 
to unmask his most exposed frontier, by removing 
the union-jack ; and Noah himself fairly appeared 
on deck in his shirt and night-cap. The amiable 
strangers were too much occupied to be particu 
lar, and I slipped into my state-room to change my 
toilet to a dress of thin silk, that was painted to 
resemle the skin of a polar bear, a contradiction 
between appearances and the substance of things, 
that is much too common in our species ever to be 
deemed out of fashion. 

We neared the land with great rapidity, im 
pelled by a steam-breeze, and just as the sun sunk 
in the horizon our anchor was let* go, in the outer 
harbor of the city of Aggregation. 

VOL. I. 20 



An arrival ; forms of reception ; several new christenings ; 
an official document, and terra firma. 

IT is always agreeable to arrive safe, at the end 
of a long, fatiguing and hazardous journey. But 
the pleasure is considerably augmented when the 
visit is paid to a novel region, with a steam- cli 
mate, and which is peopled by a new species. My 
own satisfaction, too, was coupled with the reflec 
tion that I had been of real service to four very 
interesting and well-bred strangers, who had been 
cast, by an adverse fortune, into the hands of hu 
manity, and who owed to me a boon far more pre 
cious than that of life itself, a restoration to their 
natural and acquired rights, their proper stations 
in society, and sacred liberty ! The reader will 
judge, therefore, with what inward self-congratu 
lation I now received the acknowledgments of the 
whole monikin party, and listened to their most 
solemn protestations ever to consider, not only all 
they might jointly and severally possess in the way 
of estates and dignities, at my entire disposal, but 
their persons as my slaves. Of course, I made as 
light as possible of any little service I might have 
.done them, protesting, in my turn, that I looked 
upon the whole affair more in the light of a party 
of pleasure than a tax, reminding them that I had 
not only obtained an insight into a new philosophy, 
but that I was already, thanks to the decimal sys 
tem, a tolerable proficient in their ancient and 
learned language. These civilities were scarcely 
well over, before we were boarded by the boat of 
the port-captain. 


The arrival of a human ship was an event likely 
to create excitement in a monikin country ; and, 
as our approach had been witnessed for several 
hours, preparations had been made to give us a 
proper reception. The section of the academy to 
whom is committed the custody of the " Science 
of Indications," was hastily assembled, by order 
of the King, who, by the way, never speaks ex 
cept through the mouth of his oldest male first 
cousin, who, by the fundamental laws of the realm, 
is held responsible for all his official acts, (in pri 
vate, the King is allowed almost as many privi 
leges as any other monikin,) and who, as is due 
to him in simple justice, is permitted to exercise, 
in a public point of view, the functions of the eyes, 
ears, nose, conscience, and tail of the monarch. 
The savans were active, and as they proceeded 
with method, and on well-established principles, 
their report was quickly made. It contained, as 
we afterwards understood, seven sheets of pre 
mises, eleven of argument, sixteen of conjecture, 
and two lines of deduction. This heavy draft on 
the monikin intellect, w^as duly achieved by divid 
ing the work into as many parts as there w r ere 
members of the section present, viz. forty. The 
substance of their labors was, to say that the vessel 
in sight was a strange vessel ; that it came to a 
strange country, on a strange errand, being man 
ned by strangers ; and that its objects were more 
likely to be peaceful than warlike, since the glasses 
of the academy did not enable them to discover 
any means of annoyance, with the exception of 
certain wild beasts, who appeared, however, to be 
peaceably occupied in working the ship. All this 
was sententiously expressed in the purest monikin 
language. The effect of the report was to cause 
all hostile preparations to4te abandoned. 


No sooner did the boat of the port-captain return 
to the shore, with the news that the strange ship 
had arrived with my Lord Chatterino, my Lady 
Chatterissa and Dr. Reasono, than there was a 
general burst of joy along the strand. In a very 
short time, the King alias his eldest first cousin 
of the male gender ordered the usual compli 
ments to be paid to his distinguished subjects. A 
deputation of young Lords, the hopes of Leaphigh, 
came off to receive their colleague ; whilst a bevy 
of beautiful maidens, of noble birth, crowded 
around the smiling and graceful Chatterissa, glad 
dening her heart with their caressing manners and 
felicitations. The noble pair left us in separate 
boats, each attended by an appropriate escort. 
We overlooked the little neglect of forgetting to 
take leave of us, for joy had quite set them both 
beside themselves. Next came a long procession 
composed of high numbers,all of the " brown-study- 
color." These learned and dignified persons were 
a deputation from the academy, which had sent 
forth no less than forty of its number to receive 
Dr. Reasono. The meeting between these loving 
friends of monikinity and of knowledge, was con 
ducted on the most approved principles of reason. 
Each section (there are forty in the academy of 
Leaphigh) made an address, to all of which the 
Doctor returned suitable replies, always using 
exactly the same sentiments, but varying the subject 
by transpositions, as dictionaries are known to be 
composed by the ingenious combinations of the 
twenty-six letters of the alphabet. Dr. Reasono 
withdrew with his coadjutors, to my surprise, pay 
ing not a whit more attention to Captain Poke and 
myself, than would be paid, in any highly civilized 
country of Christendom, on a similar occasion, by 
a collection of the learned, to the accidental pre- 


sence of two monkeys. I thought this augured 
badly, and began to feel as became Sir John 
Goldencalf, Bart., of Householder Hall, in the 
Kingdom of Great Britain, when my sensations 
were nipped in the bud by the arrival of the Offi 
cers of Registration and Circulation. It was the 
duty of the latter to give us the proper passports 
to enter into and to circulate within the country, 
after the former had properly enregistered our 
numbers and colors, in such a way as to bring us 
within the reach of taxation. The officer of Re 
gistration was very expeditious from long prac 
tice. He decided, at once, that I formed a new 
class by myself; of which, of course, I was No. 1. 
The Captain and his two mates formed another, 
Nos. 1, 2 and 3. Bob had a class also to himself, 
and the honors of No. 1 ; and the crew formed a 
fresh class, being numbered according to height, 
as the register deemed their merits to be altogether 
physical. Next came the important point of color, 
on which depended the quality of the class or caste, 
the numbers merely indicating our respective sta 
tions in the particular divisions. After a good deal 
of deliberation, and many interrogatories, I was 
enregistered as No. 1, flesh-color. Noah as No. 1, 
sea-water-color, and his mates 2 and 3, accord 
ingly. Bob as No. 1,. smut-colour; and the crew 
as Nos. 1, 2, 3, &c. tar-color. The officer now 
called upon an assistant to come forth with a sort 
of knitting-needle heated red-hot, in order to affix 
the official stamp to each in succession. Luckily 
for us. all, Noah happened to be the first to whom 
the agent of the stamp-office applied, to uncase 
and to prepare for the operation. The result 
was one of those bursts of eloquent and logical 
vituperation, and of remonstrating outcries, to 
which any new personal exaction never failed 


to give birth in the sealer. His discourse on this 
occasion might be divided into the several follow 
ing heads, all of which were very ingeniously 
embellished by the usual expletives and imagery 
" He was not a beast to be branded like a horse, 
nor a slave to be treated like a Congo nigger ; he 
saw no use in applying the marks to men, who 
were sufficiently distinguished from monkeys alrea 
dy ; Sir John had a handle before his name, and 
if he liked it, he might carry his name behind his 
body, by way of counterpoise, but, for his part, 
he wanted no outriggers of the sort, being satis 
fied with plain Noah Poke ; he was a republican, 
and it was anti-republican for a man to carry 
about with him graven images; he thought it 
might be even flying in the face of the Scriptures, 
or, what was worse, turning his back on them ; 
he said that the Walrus had her name, in good 
legible characters, on her starn, and that might 

answer for both of them ; he protested, d n nis 

eyes, that he wouldn't be branded like a thief; he 
incontinently wished the keeper of the privy-seal 

to the d 1; he insisted there was no use in the 

practice, unless one threw all aback and went starn 
foremost into society, a rudeness at which human 
natur' revolted ; he knew a man at Stunin'tun who 
had five names, and he should like to know what 
they would do with him, if this practice should 
come into fashion there ; he had no objection to a 
little paint, but no red-hot knitting-needle should 
make acquaintance with his flesh, so long as he 
walked his quarter-deck." 

The keeper of the seals listened to this remon 
strance with singular patience and decorum ; a 
forbearance that was probably owing to his not 
understanding a word that had been said. But 

THE MONIKIff S. 235 

there is a language that is universal, and it is not 
less easy to comprehend when a man is in a pas 
sion, than it is to comprehend any other irritated 
animal. The officer of the Registration Depart 
ment, on this hint, politely inquired of me, if some 
part of his official duties were not particularly 
disagreeable to No. 1, sea-water-color. On my 
admitting that the captain was reluctant to be 
branded, he merely shrugged his shoulders, and 
observed, that the exactions of the public were sel 
dom agreeable, but that duty was duty, that the 
stamp-act was peremptory, and not a foot of ours 
could touch Leaphigh, until we were all checked 
off in this manner, in exact conformity with the 
registration. I was much puzzled what to do, by 
this indomitable purpose to perform his duty in the 
officer; for, to own the truth, my own cuticle had 
quite as much aversion to the operation, as that of 
Captain Poke himself. It was not the principle, 
so much as the novelty of its application, which 
distressed me ; for I had travelled too much not to 
know that a stranger rarely enters a civilized 
country without being more or less skinned, the 
merest savages only permitting him to pass un 
scathed. It suddenly came to my recollection 
that the monikins had left all the remains of their 
particular stores on board, consisting of an ample 
supply of delicious nuts. Sending for a bag of tha 
best of them, I ordered it to be put into the regis 
ter's boat, informing him, at the same time, that I 
was conscious they were quite unworthy of him, 
but that I hoped, such as they were, he would 
allow me to make an offering of them to his wife. 
This attention was properly felt and received; and 
a few minutes afterwards, a certificate in the fol 
lowing words was put into my hands, viz. 


" Leaphigh, season of promise, day of perform 
ance: Whereas, certain persons of the human 
species have lately presented themselves to be 
enregistered, according to the statute 'For the 
promotion of order and classification, and for the 
collection of contributions;' and whereas, these 
persons are yet in the second class of the animal 
probation, and are more subject to bodily impres 
sions than the higher, or monikin species ; Now, 
know all monikins, &c., that they are stamped in 
paint, and that only by their numbers; each class 
among them being easily to be distinguished from 
the others, by outward and indelible proofs. 

" No. 8,020 office-color." 

I was told that all we had to do now, was to 
mark ourselves with paint or tar, as we might 
choose, the latter being recommended for the 
crew; taking no farther trouble than to number 
ourselves: and, when we went ashore, if any of 
the gens-d'armes inquired why we had not the 
legal impression on our persons, which quite pos 
sibly would be the case, as the law was absolute 
in its requisitions, all we had to do was to show 
the certificate; but, if the certificate was not 
sufficient, we were men of the world, and under 
stood the nature of things so well, that we did not 
require to be taught so simple a proposition in phi 
losophy, as that which says, " like causes produce 
like effects ;" and he presumed I could not have so 
far overrated his merits, as to have sent the whole 
of my nuts into his boat. I avow that I was not 
very sorry to hear the officer throw out these 
hints, for they convinced me that my journey 
through Leaphigh would be accompanied with 
less embarrassment than I had anticipated, since 


I now plainly perceived that monikins act on prin 
ciples that are not very essentially different from 
those of the human race in general. 

The complaisant register and the keeper of the 
privy-seal took their departure together, when we 
forthwith proceeded to number ourselves in com 
pliance with his advice. As the principle was 
already settled, we had no difficulty with its appli 
cation, Noah, Bob, myself, and the largest of the 
seamen being all No's. 1, and the rest ranking in 
order. By this time it was night. The guard-boats 
began to appear on the water, and we deferred 
disembarking until morning. 

All hands were early afoot. It had been arranged 
that Captain Poke and myself, attended by Bob, as a 
domestic, were to land, in order to make a journey 
through the island, while the Walrus was to be left in 
charge of the mates and the crew ; the latter having 
permission to go ashore, from time to time, as is 
the practice with all seamen in port. There was 
a great deal of preliminary scrubbing and shaving, 
before the whole party could appear on deck, pro 
perly attired for the occasion. Mr. Poke wore a 
thin dress of linen, admirably designed to make him 
look like a sea-lion; a conceit that he said was not 
only agreeable to his feelings and habits, but which 
had a cool and pleasant character, that was alto- 
ther suited to a steam-climate. For my own part, 
I agreed with the worthy sealer, seeing but little 
difference between his going in this garb, and his 
going quite naked. My dress was made, on a design 
of my own, after the social-stake system ; or, in 
other words, it was so arranged as to take an inte 
rest in half of the animals of .Exeter 'Change, to 
which menagerie the artist, by whom it had been 
painted, was sent expressly, in order to consult 
nature. Bob wore the effigy, as his master called 
it, of a turnspit. 


The monikins were by far too polished to crowd 
about us when we landed, with an impertinent and 
troublesome curiosity. So far from this, we were 
permitted to approach the capital itself without let 
or hindrance. As it is less my intention to describe 
physical things than to dwell upon the philosophy 
and the other moral aspects of the Leaphigh world, 
little more will be said of their houses, domestic 
economy, and other improvements in the arts, than 
may be gathered incidentally, as the narrative shall 
proceed. Let it suffice to say, on these heads, that 
the Leaphigh monikins, like men, consult, or think 
they consult which, so long as they know no bet 
ter, amounts to pretty much the same thing their 
own convenience in all things, the pocket alone 
excepted ; and that they continue very laudably to 
do as their fathers did before them, seldom making 
changes, unless they may happen to possess the 
recommendation of being exotics; when, indeed, 
they are sometimes adopted, probably on account 
of their possessing the merit of having been proved 
suitable to another state of things. 

Among the first persons we met, on entering the 
great square of Aggregation, as the capital of Leap- 
high is called when rendered into English, was 
my Lord Chatterino. He was gaily promenading 
with a company of young nobles, who all seemed 
to be enjoying their youth, health, rank and privi 
leges, with infinite gusto. We met this party in a 
way to render an escape from mutual recognition 
impossible. At first I thought, from his averted 
eye, that it was the intention of our late shipmate 
to consider our knowledge of each other as one of 
those accidental acquaintances which, it is known, 
we all form at watering-places, on journeys, or in 
the country, and which it is ill-mannered to press 
upon others in town ; or, as Captain Poke afterwards 

THE MOfflKIffS. 239 

expressed it, like the intimacy between an English 
man and a Yankee, that has been formed in the 
house of the latter, on better wine than is met with 
anywhere else, and which was never yet known to 
withstand the influence of a British fog. " Why, Sir 
John," the sealer added, "I once tuck (he meant to 
say took, not tucked) a countryman of yours under 
my wing, at Stunin'tun, during the last war. He 
was a prisoner, as w r e make prisoners ; that is, he 
went and did pretty much as he pleased ; and the 
fellow had the best of every thing molasses that a 
spoon would stand up in, pork that would do to 
slush down a top-mast, and New-England rum, 
that a king might sit down to, but could not get up 
from well, what was the end on't? why, as sure 
as we are among these monkeys, the fellow booked 
me. Had I booked but the half of what he guzzled, 
the amount, I do believe, would have taken the 
transaction out of any justice's court in the state. 
He said my molasses was meagre, the pork lean, 
and the liquor infernal. There were truth and grati 
tude for you ! He gave the whul account, too, as a 
specimen of what he called American living !" 

Hereupon I reminded my companion, that an 
Englishman did not like to receive even favors, on 
compulsion ; that w r hen he meets a stranger in his 
own country, and is master of his own actions, no 
man understands better what true hospitality is, as 
I hoped one day to show him, at Householder Hall : 
as to his first remark, he ought to remember that 
an Englishman considered America as no more 
than the country, and that it would be ill-mannered 
to press an acquaintance made there. 

Noah, like most other men, was very reasonable 
on all subjects that did not interfere with his preju 
dices or his opinions; and he very readily admitted 
the general justice of my reply. 


" It's pretty much as you say, Sir John," he con 
tinued. " In England you may press men, but it 
wun't do to press hospitality. Get a volunteer in this 
way, and he is as good a fellow as heart can wish. 
I shouldn't have cared so much about the chap's 
book, if he had said nothin' ag'in the rum. Why, 
Sir John, when the English bombarded Stunin'tun 
with eighteen-pounders, I proposed to load our old 
twelve with a gallon out of the very same cask, 
for I do think it would have huv' the shot the best 
part of a mile !" 

But this digression is leading me from 

the narrative. My Lord Chatterino turned his head 
a little on one side, as we were passing ; and I was 
deliberating whether, under the circumstances, it 
would be well-bred to remind him of our old ac 
quaintance, when the question was settled by the 
decision of Captain Poke, who placed himself in 
such a position that it was no easy matter to get 
round him, through him, or over him ; or who laid 
himself w r hat he called " athwart hawse." 

"Good morning, my Lord," said the straight 
forward seaman, who generally went at a subject, 
as he went at a seal. " A fine warm day ; and the 
smell of the land, after so long a passage, is quite 
agreeable to the nose, whatever its ups and downs 
may be to the legs." 

The companions of the young peer looked ama 
zed ; and some of them, I thought, notwithstanding 
gravity and earnestness are rather characteristic 
of the monikin physiognomy, betrayed a slight dis 
position to laugh. Not so with my Lord Chatter 
ino himself. 

He examined us a moment through a glass, and / 
then seemed suddenly and, on the whole, agreeably F 
struck at seeing us. \ 

"How, Goldencalf!" he cried, in surprise, "you 


in Leaphigh ! This is, indeed, an unexpected satis 
faction ; for it will now be in my power to prove 
some of the facts that I am telling my friends, by 
actual observation. Here are two of the humans, 
gents, of whom I was but this moment giving you 
some account " 

Observing a disposition to merriment in his asso 
ciates, he continued, looking exceedingly grave : 

" Restrain yourselves, gentlemen, I pray you. 
These are very worthy people, I do assure you, in 
their own way, and are not at all to be ridiculed. 
I scarcely know, even in our own marine, a better 
or a bolder navigator than this honest seaman; and, 
as for the one in the parti-colored skin, I will take 
upon myself to say, that he is really a person of 
some consideration in his own little circle. He is, 
I believe, a member of par par par am I right, 
Sir John ? a member of " 

" Parliament, my Lord an M. P." 

"Ay I thought I had it an M. P. or a member 
of parliament in his own country, which, I dare 
say, now, is some such thing among his people, as 
a public proclaimer of those laws which come from 
His Majesty's eldest first-cousin of the masculine 
gender, may be among us. S s ome such thing eh 
now eh is it not, Sir John ?" 

" I dare say it is, my Lord." 

"All very true, Chatterino," put in one of the 
young monikins, with a very long, elaborated tail, 
which he carried nearly perpendicular " but what 
would be even a law-maker to say nothing of law 
breakers like ourselves among men ! You should 
remember, my dear fellow, that a mere title, or a 
profession, is not the criterion of true greatness; but 
that the prodigy of a village may be a very com 
mon monikin in town." 

" Poh poh" interrupted Lord Chatterino, " thou 

VOL. I. 21 


art ever for refining, Hightail Sir John Golden- 
calf is a very respectable person in the island of 
a a a What do you call that said island of 

yours, Goldencalf ? a a " 

" Great Britain, my Lord." 
" Ay, Great Breeches, sure enough : yes, he is 
a respectable person I can take it upon myself 
to say, with confidence, a very respectable person, 
in Great Breeches. I dare say he owns no small 
portion of the island himself. How much, nov,-, 
Sir John, if the truth were told ?" 

" Only the estate and village of Householder, 
my Lord, with a few scattered manors, here and 

" Well, that is a very pretty thing, there can be 
no doubt, then you have money at use ?" 

" And who is the debtor ?" sneeringly inquired 
the jack-a-napes Hightail. 

" No other, my Lord Hightail, than the realm 
f>f Great Britain." 

" Exquisite, that, egad ! A noble's fortune in the 

custody of the realm of a Greek a " 

" Great Breeches," interrupted my Lord Chat- 
terino ; who, notwithstanding he swore he was 
excessively angry with his friend for his obstinate 
incredulity, very evidently had to exercise some 
forbearance to keep from joining in the general 
laugh. " It is a very respectable country, I do 
protest ; and I scarcely remember to have tasted 
better gooseberries than they grow in that very 

" What ! have they really gardens, Chatterino?" 
" Certainly after a fashion and houses, and 
public conveyances and even universities." 

" You do not mean to say, certainly, that they 
have a system !" 

" Why, as to system, I believe they are a little 


at sixes and sevens. I really can't take it upon 
myself to say that they have a system." 

" Oh, yes, my Lord, of a certainty we have 
one the Social-stake System. 

" Ask the creature," whispered audibly the filthy 
coxcomb Hightail, " if he himself, now, has any 

" How is it, Sir John, have you an income T" 

" Yes, my Lord, of one hundred and twelve 
thousand sovereigns a year." 

" Of what 1 of what ?" demanded two or three 
voices, with well-bred, subdued eagerness. 

" Of sovereigns why that means kings !" 

It would appear that the Leaphighers, while 
they obey only the King's eldest first-cousin of the 
masculine gender, perform all their official acts in 
the name of the sovereign himself, for whose person 
and character they pretty uniformly express the 
profoundest veneration ; just as we men express 
admiration for a virtue that we never practise. 
My declaration, therefore, produced a strong sen 
sation, and I was soon required to explain myself. 
This I did, by simply stating the truth. 

" Oh, gold, y'clept sovereigns !" exclaimed three 
or four, laughing heartily. " Why then, your 
famous Great Breeches people, after all, Chatteri- 
no, are so little advanced in civilization, as to use 
gold ! Harkee, Signior a a Boldercraft, have 
you no currency in ' promises' ? " 

" I do not know, sir, that I rightly comprehend 
the question." 

" Why, we poor barbarians, sir, who live as 
you see us, only in a state of simplicity and na 
ture," there was irony in every syllable the im 
pudent scoundrel uttered, " we poor wretches, 
or rather our ancestors, made the discovery, that, 
for the purposes of convenience, having, as you 


perceive, no pockets, it might be well to convert 
all our currency into ' promises.' Now, I would 
ask if you have any of that coin ?" 

" Not as coin, sir, but as collateral to coin, we 
have plenty." 

" He speaks of collaterals in currency, as if he 
were discussing a pedigree ! Are you really, 
Mynherr Shouldercalf, so little advanced in your 
country, as not to know the immense advantages 
of a currency of * promises' ?" 

" As I do not understand exactly what the na 
ture of this currency is, sir, I cannot answer as 
readily as I could wish." 

" Let us explain it to him ; for, I vow, I am 
really curious to hear his answer. Chatterino, do 
you, who have some knowledge of the thing's 
habits, be our interpreter." 

" The matter is thus, Sir John. About five hun 
dred years ago, our ancestors having reached that 
pass in civilization when they came to dispense 
with the use of pockets, began to find it necessary 
to substitute a new currency for that of the metals, 
which it was inconvenient to carry, of which they 
might be robbed, and which also were liable to be 
counterfeited. The first expedient was to try a 
lighter substitute. Laws were passed giving value 
to linen and cotton, in the raw material ; then, 
compounded and manufactured ; next, written on, 
and reduced in bulk, until, having passed through 
the several gradations of wrapping-paper, brown- 
paper, foolscap and blotting-paper, and having set 
the plan fairly at work, and got confidence tho 
roughly established, the system was perfected by 
a coup de main ; * promises' in words, were sub 
stituted for all other coin. You see the advantage 
at a glance. A monikin can travel, without pock 
ets or baggage, and still carry a million ; the mo- 

THE MOfflKINS. 245 

ney cannot be counterfeited, nor can it be stolen 
or burned." 

" But, my Lord, does it not depreciate the value 
of property ?" 

"Just the contrary: an acre that formerly 
could be bought for one promise, would now bring 
a thousand." 

" This certainly is a great improvement, unless 
frequent failures " 

" Not at all ; there has not been a bankruptcy 
in Leaphigh since the law was passed making 
promises a legal tender." 

" I wonder no Chancellor of the Exchequer 
ever thought of this, at home !" 

" So much for your Great Breeches, Chatteri- 
no !" And then there was another and a very gen 
eral laugh. I never before felt so deep a sense of 
national humility. 

" As they have universities," cried another cox 
comb, " perhaps this person has attended one of 

" Indeed, sir," I answered, " I am regularly 

" It is not easy to see what he has done with 
his knowledge, for, though my sight is none of 
the worst, I can not trace the smallest sign of a 
cauda about him." 

" Ah !" Lord Chatterino good-naturedly explain 
ed, " the inhabitants of Great Breeches carry their 
brains in their heads." 

" Their heads !" 

" Heads !" 

" That's excellent, by His Majesty's preroga 
tive ! Here's civilization, with a vengeance !" 

I now thought that the general ridicule would 
overwhelm me. Two or three came closer, as if 


in pity or curiosity ; and, at last, one cried out 
that I actually wore clothes. 

" Clothes the wretch ! Chatterino, do all your 
human friends wear clothes ?" 

The young peer was obliged to confess the truth : 
and then there arose such a clamor as may be 
fancied took place among the peacocks, when they 
discovered the daw among them in masquerade. 
Human nature could endure no more ; and, bow 
ing to the company, I wished Lord Chatterino, 
very hurriedly good morning, and proceeded 
towards the tavern. 

"Don't forget to step into Chatterino-house, 
Goldencalf, before you sail," cried my late fellow- 
traveller, looking over his shoulder, and nodding 
in quite a friendly way towards me. 

" King!" exclaimed Captain Poke. " That black 
guard ate a whole bread-locker-full of nuts, on our 
outward passage, and, now, he tells us to step into 
his Chatterino-house, before we sail!" 

I endeavoured to pacify the sealer, by an appeal 
to his philosophy. It was true that men never for 
got obligations, and were always excessively anx 
ious to repay them ; but the monikins were an ex 
ceedingly instructed species ; they thought more 
of their minds than of their bodies, as was plain 
by comparing the smallness of the latter with the 
length and development of the seat of reason ; 
and one of his experience should know that good- 
breeding is decidedly an arbitrary quality, and that 
we ought to respect its laws, however opposed to 
our own previous practices. 

" I dare say, friend Noah, you may have ob 
served some material difference in the usages of 
Paris, for instance, and those of Stunin'tun." 

" That I have, Sir John, that I have ; and alto 
gether to the advantage of Stunin'tun be they." 


" We are all addicted to the weakness of be 
lieving our own customs best ; and it requires that 
we should travel much, before we are able to de 
cide on points so nice." 

" And do you not call me a traveller ! Have n't I 
been sixteen times a sealing, twice a whaling, with 
out counting my cruise over-land, and this last run 
to Leaphigh !" 

" Ay, you have gone over much land and much 
water, Mr. Poke; but your stay in any given place 
has been just long enough to find fault. Usages 
must be worn, like a shoe, before one can judge of 
the fit." 

It is possible Noah would have retorted, had not 
Mrs. Vigilance Lynx, at that moment, come wrig 
gling by, in a way to show she was much satisfied 
with her safe return home. To own the truth, 
while striving to find apologies for it, I had been a 
little contrarie, as the French term it, by the indif 
ference of my Lord Chatterino, which, in my secret 
heart, I was not slow in attributing to the manner 
in which a peer of the realm of Leaphigh regarded, 
de haul en has, a mere Baronet of Great Britain 
or Great Breeches, as the young noble so pertina 
ciously insisted on terming our illustrious island. 
Now, as Mrs. Vigilance was of " russet-color," a 
caste of an inferior standing, I had little doubt that 
she would be as glad to own an intimacy with Sir 
John Goldencalf of Householder Hall, as the other 
might be willing to shuffle it off. 

" Good morrow, good Mrs. Vigilance," I said 
familiarly, endeavoring to wriggle in a way that 
would have shaken a tail, had it been my good for 
tune to be the owner of one "Good morrow, 
good Mrs. Vigilance I'm glad to meet you again 
on shore." 

I do not remember that Mrs. Vigilance, during 


the whole period of our acquaintance, was par 
ticularly squeamish, or topping in her deportment. 
On the contrary, she had rather made herself re 
markable for a modest and commendable reserve. 
But, on the present occasion, she disappointed all 
reasonable expectation, by shrinking on one side, 
uttering a slight scream, and hurrying past as if 
she thought we might bite her. Indeed, I can only 
compare her deportment to that of a female of our 
own, who is so full of vanity as to fancy all eyes 
on her, and who gives herself airs about a dog or 
a spider, because she thinks they make her look so 
much the more interesting. Conversation was quite 
out of the question ; for the duenna hurried on, 
bending her head downward, as if heartily ashamed 
of an involuntary weakness. 

" Well, good madam," said Noah, whose stern 
eye followed her movements until she was quite lost 
in the crowd, "you would have had a sleepless 
v'yage, if I had fore-imagined this ! Sir John, 
these people stare at us as if we were wild beasts!" 

" 1 cannot say I am of your way of thinking, 
Captain Poke. To me they seem to take no more 
notice of us, than we should take of two curs in the 
streets of London." 

" I begin, now, to understand what the parsons 
mean when they talk of the lost condition of man. 
It's ra'ally awful to witness to what a state of un- 
feelingness a people can be abandoned ! Bob, get 
out of the way, you grinning blackguard." 

Hereupon Bob received a salutation which would 
have demolished his stern-frame, had it not been 
for the union-jack. Just then I was glad to see 
Dr. Reasono advancing towards us, surrounded by 
a group of attentive listeners, all of whom, by their 
years, gravity and deportment, I made no question 
were savans. As he drew near, I found he was 


discoursing of the marvels of his Jate voyage. 
When within six feet of us the whole party stopped, 
the Doctor continuing to descant, with a very 
proper gesticulation, and in a way to show that his 
subject was of infinite interest to his listeners. 
Accidentally turning his eye in our direction, he 
caught a glimpse of our figures, and making a few 
hurried apologies to those around him, the excel 
lent philosopher came eagerly forward, with both 
hands extended. Here was a difference, indeed, 
between his treatment and that of Lord Chatterino 
and the duenna! The salutation was warmly 
returned; and the Doctor and myself stepped a 
little apart, as he lost no time in informing me he 
wished to say a word in private. 

"My dear Sir John," the philosopher began, 
" our arrival has been the most happily-timed thing 
imaginable! All Leaphigh, by this time, is filled 
with the subject ; and you can scarcely conceive 
the importance that is attached to the event. New 
sources of trade, scientific discoveries, phenomena 
both moral and physical, and results that it is 
thought may serve to raise the monikin civiliza 
tion still higher than ever. Fortunately, the acad 
emy holds its most solemn meeting of the year this 
very day, and I have been formally requested to 
give the assembly an outline of those events which 
have lately passed before my eyes. The King's 
eldest first-cousin of the masculine gender is to 
attend openly; and it is even conjectured, in a way 
to be quite authentic, that the King himself will be 
present in his ow r n royal person." 

" How !" I exclaimed ; " have you a mode, in 
Leaphigh, of rendering conjectures certain ?" 

" Beyond a doubt, sir, or what would our civili 
zation be worth 1 As to the King's Majesty, we 
always deal in the most direct ambiguities. Now, 


as respects many of our ceremonies, the sovereign 
is known morally to be present, when he may be 
actually and physically eating his dinner at the 
other extremity of the island ; this important illus 
tration of the royal ubiquity is effected by means of 
a legal fiction. On the other hand, the King often 
indulges his natural propensities, such as curiosity, 
love of fun, or detestation of ennui, by coming 
in person, when, by the court-fiction, he is thought 
to be seated on his throne, in his own royal palace. 
Oh! as to all these little accomplishments and graces 
in the art of Truths, we are behind no people in the 
universe !" 

" I beg pardon, Doctor so his Majesty is ex 
pected to be at the academy, this morning 1" 

" In a private box. Now this affair is of the last 
importance to me as a savant, to you as a human 
- being for it will have a direct tendency to raise 
your whole species in the monikin estimation and, 
lastly, to learning. It will be indispensably neces 
sary that you should attend, with as many of your 
companions as possible more especially the better 
specimens. I was coming down to the landing, in 
the hope of meeting you ; and a messenger has 
gone off to the ship to require that the people be 
sent ashore forthwith. You will have a tribune to 
yourselves; and, really, I do not like to express 
beforehand what I think concerning the degree of 
attention you will all receive; but this much I think 
I can say you will see." 

" This proposition, Doctor, has taken me a little 
by surprise, and I hardly know what answer to 

" You cannot say no, Sir John ; for, should his 
Majesty hear that you have refused to come to a 
meeting at which he is to be present, it would 


seriously, and, I might add, justly offend him : 
nor could I answer for the consequences." 

" Why, I was told that all the power was in the 
hands of his Majesty's eldest first-cousin of the mas 
culine gender; in which case I thought I might 
snap my fingers at his Majesty himself." 

" Not in opinion, Sir John, which is one of the 
three estates of the government. Ours is a govern 
ment of three estates viz. the Law, Opinion, and 
Practice. By law the king rules, by practice his 
cousin rules, and by opinion the king again rules. 
Thus is the strong point of practice balanced by 
law and opinion. This it is that constitutes the 
harmony and perfection of the system. No, it 
would never do to offend his Majesty." 

Although I did not very \vell comprehend the 
Doctor's argument, yet, as I had often found in 
human society, theories political, moral, theological, 
and philosophical, that everybody had faith in, and 
which nobody understood, I thought discussion 
useless, and gave up the point by promising the 
Doctor to be at the academy in half an hour, which 
was the time named for our appearance. Taking 
the necessary directions to find the place, we sepa 
rated ; he to hasten to make his preparations, and I 
to reach the tavern, in order to deposit our baggage, 
that no decency might be overlooked on an occa 
sion so solemn. 





"Then thou knewest her?" said the knight. 

"Not I," answered the squire; " but the person who told me the story, 
said it was so true and certain, that if ever I should chance to tell it again, 
I might affirm upon oath, that I had seen it with my own eyes." 

Sancko Panza. 




ENTERED according to the act of congress, in the year 1835, 
by CAHEY, LEA, & BLAITCHARD, in the clerk's office of the dis 
trict court of the eastern district of Pennsylvania. 




An inn Debts paid in advance, and a singular touch of 
human nature found closely incorporated with monikin 
nature 5 


New lords, new laws Gyration, rotation, and another 
nation ; also an invitation 26 


A court, a court-dress, and a courtier Justice in various 
aspects, as well as honor ...;.-. .^ . . . 44 


About the humility of professional saints, a succession of 
tails, a bride and bridegroom, and other heavenly mat 
ters, diplomacy included 60 


A very common case or a great deal of law, and very 
little justice. Heads and tails with the dangers of 
each 74 


Better and better More law and more justice Tails 
and heads; the importance of keeping each in its 
proper place 91 


A neophyte in diplomacy diplomatic introduction a 
calculation a shipment of Opinions how to choose 
an invoice, with an assortment 104 



Political boundaries Political rights Political selec 
tions, and political disquisitions ; with political results 117 


An arrival An election Architecture A rolling-pin, 
and Patriotism of the most approved water 135 


A fundamental principle, a fundamental law, and a fun 
damental error 154 


How to enact laws Oratory, logic and eloquence, all 
considered in their every-day aspects 165 


An effect of logarithms on morals An obscuration, a 
dissertation, and a calculation 184 


The importance of motives to a legislator Moral con- 
secutiveness, comets, kites, and a convoy ; with some 
every-day legislation ; together with cause and effect 199 


Some explanations A human appetite A dinner, and 
a bonne bouche 212 

V " ** 


Explanations A leave-taking Love Confessions, but 
no penitence . . /.'.y. . v . . r , t . % . . -. .... 225 


Bliss The best investment in society the result of 
much experience-r-and The End 234 



An inn Debts paid in advance, and a singular touch of human 
nature found closely incorporated with monikin nature. 

WE soon secured rooms, ordered dinner, brushed 
our clothes, and made the other little arrangements 
that it was necessary to observe for the credit of 
the species. Everything being ready, we left the 
inn, and hurried towards the "Palais des Arts et des 
Sciences." We had not got out of sight of the inn, 
however, before one of its gardens was at our heels 
with a message from his mistress. He told us, in 
very respectful tones, that his master was out, and 
that he had taken with him the key of the strong 
box ; that there was not actually money enough in 
the drawer to furnish an entertainment for such 
great persons as ourselves, and she had taken the 
liberty to send us a bill receipted, with a request 
that we would make a small advance, rather than 
reduce her to the mortification of treating such dis 
tinguished guests in an unworthy manner. The 
bill read as follows : 

No. 1 parti-color and friends 

To No. 82,763 grape color Dr. 
To use of apartments, with meals and lights, as 
per agreement, p. p. 300 per diem one day, p. p. 300 
By cash advanced, 50 

Balance due p. p. 250 



"This seems all right," I observed to Noah; "but 
I am, at this moment, as penniless as the good woman 
herself. I really do not see what we are to do, 
unless Bob sends her back his store of nuts " 

" Harkee, my nimble-go-hop," put in the seaman, 
" what is your pleasure!" 

The waiter referred to the bill, as expressing his 
mistress's wants. 

"What are these p. p. that I find noted in the 
bill play or pay, hey?" 

" Promises, of course, your honor." 

" Oh ! then you desire fifty promises, to provide 
our dinner." 

" Nothing more, sir. With that sum you shall 
dine like noblemen ay, sir, like aldermen." 

I was delighted to find that this worthy class of 
beings have the same propensities in all countries. 

" Here, take a hundred," answered Noah, snap 
ping his fingers, " and make no bones of it And 
harkee, my worthy lay out every farthing of 
them in the fare. Let there be good cheer, and no 
one will grumble at the bill. I am ready to buy the 
inn, and all it holds, at need." 

The waiter departed well satisfied with these 
assurances, and apparently in the anticipation of 
good vails for his own trouble. 

We soon got into the current that was setting 
towards our place of destination. On reaching the 
gate, we found we were anxiously expected ; for 
there was an attendant in waiting, who instantly 
conducted us to the seats that were provided for 
our special reception. It is always agreeable to be 
among the privileged, and I must own that we were 
all not a little flattered, on finding that an elevated 
tribune had been prepared for us, in the centre of 
the rotunda in which the academy held its sittings, 
so that we could see, and be seen by, every indivi- 


dual of the crowded assembly. The whole crew, 
even to the negro-cook, had preceded us ; an addi 
tional compliment, that I did not fail to acknowledge, 
by suitable salutations to all the members present. 
After the first feelings of pleasure and surprise were 
a little abated, I had leisure to look about me and 
to survey the company. 

The academicians occupied the whole of the 
body of the rotunda, the space taken up by the 
erection of our temporary tribune alone excepted ; 
while there were sofas, chairs, tribunes and benches 
arranged for the spectators, in the outer circles, 
and along the side- walls of the hall. As the edifice 
itself was very large, and mind had so essentially 
reduced matter in the monikin species, there could 
not have been less than fifty thousand tails present. 
Just before the ceremonies commenced, Dr. Rea- 
sono approached our tribune, passing from one to 
another of the party, saying a pleasant and an encou 
raging word to each, in a way to create high expect 
ations in us all, as to what was to follow. We 
were so very evidently honored and distinguished, 
that I struggled hard to subdue any unworthy feel 
ing of pride, as unbecoming human meekness, and 
in order to maintain a philosophical equanimity 
under the manifestations of respect and gratitude 
that I knew were about to be lavished upon even 
the meanest of our party. The Doctor was yet in 
the midst of his pointed attentions, when the King's 
eldest first-cousin of the masculine gender entered, 
and the business of the meeting immediately began. 
I profited by a short pause, however, to say a lew 
words to my companions* I told them there would 
soon be a serious demand on their modesty. We 
had performed a great and generous exploit, and it 
did not become us to tessen'its merit by betraying 
a vain-glorious self-esteem. I implored them all to 


take pattern by me; promising, in the end, that 
their new friends would trebly prize their hardihood, 
self-denial and skill. 

There was a new member of the academy of 
Latent Sympathies to be received and installed. A 
long discourse was read by one of this department 
of the monikin learning, which pointed out and 
enlarged on the rare merits of the new academician. 
He was followed by the latter ; who, in a very ela 
borate production, that consumed just fifty-five 
minutes in the reading, tried all he could to persuade 
the audience that the defunct was a loss to the world, 
that no accident or application would ever repair; 
and that he himself was precisely the worst person 
who could have been selected to be his successor. 
I was a little surprised at the perfect coolness with 
which the learned body listened to a reproach, that 
was so very distinctly and perseveringly thrown, 
as it were, into their very teeth. But a more inti 
mate acquaintance with monikin society satisfied 
me, that any one might say just what he pleased, 
so long as he allowed that every one else was an 
excellent fellow, and he himself the poorest devil 
going. When the new member had triumphantly 
established his position, and just as I thought his 
colleagues were bound, in common honesty, to 
reconsider their vote, he concluded and took his 
seat among them, with quite as much assurance as 
the best philosopher of them all. 

After a short pause, and an abundance of felici 
tations on his excellent and self-debasing discourse, 
the newly-admitted member again rose, and began 
to read an essay on some discoveries he had made 
in the science of Latent Sympathies. According to 
his account of the matter, every monikin possessed 
a fluid which was invisible, like the animalcula 
which pervade nature, and which required only 


to be brought into command, and to be reduced to 
more rigid laws, to become the substitutes for the 
senses of sight, touch, taste, hearing and smelling. 
This fluid was communicable ; and had already been 
so far rendered subject to the will, as to make it of 
service in seeing in the dark, in smelling when the 
operator had a bad cold, in tasting when the palate 
was down, and in touching by proxy. Ideas had 
been transmitted, through its agency, sixty-two 
leagues in one minute and a half. Two monikins, 
who were afflicted with diseased tails, had, during 
the last two years, been insulated and saturated, 
and had then lost those embellishments, by opera 
tions; a quantity of the fluid having been substituted 
in their places so happily, that the patients fancied 
themselves more than ever conspicuous for the 
length and finesse of their cauda. An experi 
ment had also been successfully tried on a member 
of the lower house of parliament, who, being mar 
ried to a monikina of unusual mind, had for a long 
time been supplied with ideas from this source, 
although his partner was compelled to remain 
at home, in order to superintend the management 
of their estate, forty-two miles from town, during 
the whole session. He particularly recommended 
to government the promotion of this science, as it 
might be useful in obtaining evidence for the pur 
poses of justice, in detecting conspiracies, in col 
lecting the taxes, and in selecting candidates for 
trusts of a responsible nature. The suggestion was 
well received by the King's cousin, more especially 
those parts that alluded to sedition and the revenue. 
This essay was also perfectly well received by 
the savans, for I afterwards found very little came 
amiss to the academy ; and the members named 
a committee forthwith, to examine into " the facts 


concerning invisible and unknown fluids, their agen 
cy, importance, and relations to monikin happiness." 

We were next favored with a discussion on the 
different significations of the word gorstchwzyb ; 
which, rendered into English, means " eh !" The 
celebrated philologist who treated the subject, dis 
covered amazing ingenuity in expatiating on its 
ramifications and deductions. First, he tried the 
letters by transpositions, by which he triumphantly 
proved that it was derived from all the languages 
of the ancients ; the same process showed that it 
possessed four thousand and two different significa 
tions ; he next reasoned most ably and comprehen 
sively for ten minutes, backwards and forwards, 
using no other word but this, applied in its various 
senses ; after which, he incontrovertibly established 
that this important part of speech was so useful as 
to be useless, and he concluded by a proposition, 
in which the academy coincided by acclamation, 
that it should be for ever and incontinently expunged 
from the Leaphigh vocabulary. As the vote was 
carried by acclamation, the King's cousin arose, 
and declared that the writer who should so far 
offend against good taste, as hereafter to make use of 
the condemned word, should have two inches cut oft' 
the extremity of his tail. A shudder among the 
ladies, who, I afterwards ascertained, loved to carry 
their caudca as high as our women like to carry their 
heads, proved the severity of the decree. 

An experienced and seemingly much respected 
member now arose to make the following propo 
sal. He said it was known that the monikin species 
was fast approaching perfection ; that the increase 
of mind and the decrease of matter was so very 
apparent as to admit of no denial ; that, in his own 
case, he found his physical powers diminish daily, 
while his mental acquired new distinctness and[ 


force ; that he could no longer see without specta 
cles, hear without a tube, or taste without high- 
seasoning : from all this he inferred that they were 
drawing near to some important change, and he 
wished that portion of the science of Latent Sym 
pathies which was connected with the unknown 
fluid, just treated on, might be referred to a com 
mittee of the whole, in order to make some provi 
sion for the wants of a time when monikins should 
finally lose their senses. There was nothing to say 
against a proposition so plausible, and it was ac 
cepted nemine contradicenie, with the exception of 
a few r in the minority. 

There was now a good deal of whispering, much 
wagging of tails, and other indications that the real 
business of the meeting was about to be touched 
upon. All eyes were turned on Dr. Reasono, who, 
after a suitable pause, entered a tribune prepared 
for solemn occasions, and began his discourse. 

The philosopher, who, having committed his essay 
to memory, spoke extempore, commenced with a 
beautiful and most eloquent apostrophe to learn 
ing, and to the enthusiasm which glows in the 
breasts of all her real votaries, rendering them 
alike indifferent to their personal ease, their tempo 
ral interests, danger, suffering, and tribulations of 
the spirit. After this exordium, which was pro 
nounced to be unique for its simplicity and truth, 
he entered, at once, on the history of his own re 
cent adventures. 

First alluding to the admirable character of that 
Leaphigh usage which prescribes the Journey of 
Trial, our philosopher spoke of the manner in which 
he had been selected to accompany my Lord Chat- 
terino on an occasion so important to his future 
hopes. He dwelt on the physical preparations, the 
previous study, and the moral machinery that he 


had employed with his pupil, before they quitted 
town ; all of which, there is reason to think, were 
well fitted to their objects, as he was constantly 
interrupted by murmurs of applause. After some 
time spent in dilating on these points, I had, at 
length, the satisfaction to find him, Mrs. Lynx, and 
their two wards, fairly setting out on a journey 
which, as he very justly mentioned, proved " to be 
pregnant with events of so much importance to 
knowledge in general, to the happiness of the spe 
cies, and to several highly interesting branches of 
monikin science, in particular." I say the satisfac 
tion, for, to own the truth, I was eager to witness 
the effect that would be made on the monikin sen 
sibilities, when he came to speak of my own dis 
cernment in detecting theirreal characters beneath 
the contumely and disgrace in which it had been 
my good fortune to find them, the promptitude with 
which I had stepped forward to their relief, and the 
liberality and courage with which I had furnished 
the means and encountered the risks, that were ne 
cessary to restore them to their native land. The 
anticipation of this human triumph could not but 
diffuse a general satisfaction in our tribune, even 
the common mariners, as they recalled the dangers 
through which they had passed, feeling a conscious 
ness of deserving, mingled with that soothing sen 
timent which is ever the companion of a merited 
reward. As the philosopher drew nearer to the 
time when it would be necessary to speak of us, I 
threw a look of triumph at Lord Chatterino, which, 
however, failed of its intended effect, the young 
peer continuing to whisper to his noble companions 
with just as much self-importance and coolness as 
if he had not been one of the rescued captives. 

Dr. Reasono was justly celebrated, among his 
colleagues, for ingenuity and eloquence. The ex- 


cellent morals that he threw into every possible 
opening of his subject, the beauty of the figures 
with which they were illustrated, and the mascu 
line tendencies of his argument, gave general de 
light to the audience. The Journey of Trial was 
made to appear, what it had been intended to be 
by the fathers and sages of the Leaphigh institutions, 
a probation replete with admonitions and instruc 
tion. The aged and experienced, who had grown 
callous by time, could not conceal their exultation; 
the mature and suffering looked grave and full of 
meditation ; while the young and sanguine fairly 
trembled, and, for once, doubted. But, as the phi 
losopher led his party from precipice to precipice 
in safety, as rocks were scaled and seductive val 
leys avoided, a common feeling of security began 
to extend itself among the audience; and we all 
followed him in his last experiment among the ice, 
with that sort of blind confidence which the soldier 
comes, in time, to entertain in the orders of a tried 
and victorious general. 

The Doctor was graphic in his account of the 
manner in which he and his wards plunged among 
these new trials. The lovely Chatterissa (for all his 
travelling companions were present,) bent aside her 
head and blushed, as the philosopher alluded to the 
manner in which the pure flame that glowed in her 
gentle bosom resisted the chill influence of that cold 
region ; and when he recited an ardent declaration 
that my Lord Chatterino had made on the centre 
of a floe, and the kind and amorous answer of his 
mistress, I thought the applause of the old acade 
micians would have actually brought the vaulted 
dome clattering about our ears. 

At length he reached the point in the narrative, 
where the amiable wanderers fell in with the seal 
ers, on that unknown island to which chance and 

VOL. II. 2 


an adverse fortune had unhappily led them, in their 
pilgrimage. I had taken measures secretly to in 
struct Mr. Poke and the rest of my companions, as 
to the manner in which it became us to demean 
ourselves, while the Doctor was acquainting the 
academy with that first outrage committed by hu 
man cupidity, or the seizure of himself and friends. 
We were to rise, in a body, and, turning our faces 
a little on one side, veil our eyes in sign of shame. 
Less than this, it struck me, could scarcely be done, 
without manifesting an improper indifference to 
monikin rights ; and more than this, might have 
been identifying ourselves with the particular indi 
viduals of the species who had perpetrated the 
wrong. But there was no occasion to exhibit this 
delicate attention to our learned hosts. The Doc 
tor, with a refinement of feeling that did credit, 
indeed, to monikin civilization, gave an ingenious 
turn to the whole affair, which at once removed all 
cause of shame from our species ; and which, if it 
left reason for any to blush, by a noble act of dis 
interestedness, threw the entire onus of the obliga 
tion on himself. Instead of dwelling on the ruth* 
less manner in which he and his friends had been 
seized, the worthy Doctor very tranquilly informed 
his listeners that, finding himself, by hazard, brought 
in contact with another species, and that the means 
of pushing important discoveries were unexpectedly 
placed in his power ; conscious it had long been 
a desideratum with the savans to obtain a nearer 
view and more correct notions of human society ; 
believing he had a discretion in the matter of his 
wards, and knowing that the inhabitants of Leap- 
low, a republic which all disliked, were seriously 
talking of sending out an expedition for this very 
purpose, he had promptly decided to profit by 
events, to push inquiry to the extent of his abilities, 

THE MONlKItfS. 15 

and to hazard all in the cause of learning and truth, 
by at once engaging the vessel of the sealers, and 
sailing, without dread of consequences, forthwith 
into the very bosom of the world of man ! 

I have listened with awe to the thunder of the 
tropics, I have held my breath as the artillery of 
a fleet vomited forth its fire, and rent the air with 
sudden concussions, I have heard the roar of the 
tumbling river of the Canadas, and I have stood 
aghast at the crashing of a forest in a tornado ; 
but never before did I feel so life-stirring, so thrill 
ing an emotion, of surprise, alarm and sympathy, 
as that which arose within me, at the burst of com 
mendation and delight with which this announce 
ment of self-devotion and enterprise was received 
by the audience. Tails waved, pattes met each other 
in ecstasy, voice whistled to voice, and there was 
one common cry of exultation, of rapture and of 
glorification, at this proof, not of monikin, for that 
would have been frittering away the triumph, but 
at this proof of Leaphigh courage ! 

During the clamor, I took an opportunity to 
express my satisfaction at the handsome manner 
in which our friend the Doctor had passed over 
an acknowledged human delinquency, and the inge 
nuity with which he had turned the whole of the 
unhappy transaction to the glory of Leaphigh. 
Noah answered that the philosopher had certainly 
" shown a knowledge of human natur', and he pre 
sumed of monikin natur', in the matter; no one 
would now dispute his statement, since, as he knew 
by experience, no one was so likely to be set down 
as a liar, as he who endeavored to unsettle the 

food opinion that either a community or an indivi- 
ual entertained of himself. This was the way at 
Stunin'tun, and he believed this was pretty much 
the way at New- York, or he might say with the 


whole 'arm, from pole to pole. As for himself, 
however, he owned he should like to have a few 
minutes' private conversation with the sealer in 
question, to hear his account of the matter; he 
didn't know any owner in his part of the world, 
who would bear a captain out, should he abandon 
a v'yage in this way, on no better security than the 
promises of a monkey, and of a monkey, too, who 
must, of necessity, be an utter stranger to him." 

When the tumult of applause had a little abated, 
Dr. Reasono proceeded with his narrative. He 
touched lightly on the accommodations of the 
schooner, which he gave us reason to think were 
altogether of a quality beneath the condition of her 
passengers; and he added that, falling in with a 
larger and fairer vessel, which was making a passage 
between Bombay and Great Britain, he profited by 
the occasion, to exchange ships. This vessel touched 
at the island of St. Helena, where, according to the 
Doctor's account of the matter, he found means to 
pass the greater part of a week on shore. 

Of the island of St. Helena he gave a long, scien 
tific, and certainly an interesting account. It was 
reported to be volcanic, by the human savans, he 
said, but a minute examination and a comparison 
of the geological formation, &c., had quite satisfied 
him that their own ancient account, which was 
contained in the mineralogical works of Leaphigh, 
was the true one; or, in other words, that this rock 
was a fragment of the polar world that had been 
blown away at the great eruption, and which had 
become separated from the rest of the mass at this 
spot, where it had fallen and become a fixture of 
the ocean. Here the Doctor produced certain spe 
cimens of rock, which he submitted to the learned 
present, inviting their attention to its character, and 
asking, with great mineralogical confidence, if it did 

fHE MONlKItfS. 17 

not intimately resemble a well-known stratum of a 
mountain within two leagues of the very spot they 
were in ? This triumphant proof of the truth of his 
proposition was admirably received ; and the phi 
losopher was in particular rewarded by the smiles 
of all the females present; for ladies usually are 
well pleased with any demonstration that saves 
them the trouble of comparison and reflection. 

Before quitting this branch of his subject, the 
Doctor observed that, interesting as were these 
proofs of the accuracy of their histories, and of the 
great revolutions of inanimate nature, there was 
another topic connected with St. Helena, which, he 
felt certain, would excite a lively emotion in the 
breasts of all who heard him. At the period of his 
visit, the island had been selected as a prison for a 
great conqueror and disturber of his fellow-crea 
tures ; and public attention was much drawn to the 
spot by this circumstance, few men coming there 
who did not permit all their thoughts to be absorbed 
by the past acts, and the present fortunes, of the 
individual in question. As for himself, there was 
of course no great attraction in any events con 
nected with mere human greatness, the little strug 
gles and convulsions of the species containing no 
particular interest for a devotee of the monikin 
philosophy; but the manner in which all eyes were 
drawn in one direction, afforded him a liberty of 
action that he had eagerly improved, in a way that, 
he humbly trusted, would not be thought altogether 
unworthy of their approbation. While searching 
for minerals among the clifis, his attention had been 
drawn to certain animals that arc called monkeys, 
in the language of those regions; which, from very 
obvious affinities of a physical nature, there was 
some reason to believe might have had a common 
origin with the monikin .species. The academy 


would at once see how desirable it was to learn 
all the interesting particulars of the habits, lan 
guage, customs, marriages, funerals, religious opi 
nions, traditions, state of learning, and general 
moral condition of this interesting people, with a 
view to ascertain whether they were merely one 
of those abortions to which, it is known, nature is 
in the practice of giving birth, in the outward ap 
pearance of their own species, or whether, as seve 
ral of their best writers had plausibly maintained, 
they were indeed a portion of those whom they 
had been in the habit of designating as the " Lost 
Monikins." He had succeeded in getting access 
to a family of these beings, and in passing an entire 
day in their society. The result of his investigations 
was, that they were truly of the monikin family, 
retaining much of the ingenuity and many of the 
spiritual notions of their origin, but witli their intel 
lects sadly blunted, and perhaps their improvable 
qualities annihilated, by the concussion of the ele 
ments that had scattered them abroad upon the 
face of the earth, houseless, hopeless, regionless 
wanderers. The vicissitudes of climate, and a great 
alteration of habits, had certainly wrought some 
physical changes ; but there still remained a suffi 
cient scientific identity to prove they were monikins. 
They even retained, in their traditions, some glim 
merings of the awful catastrophe bv which they 
were separated from the rest of their fellow-crea 
tures; but they necessarily were vague and profitless. 
Having touched on several other points connected 
with these very extraordinary facts, the Doctor 
concluded by saying that he saw^but one way in 
which this discovery could be turned to any prac 
tical advantage, beyond the confirmation it alFordcd 
of the truth of their own annals. He suggested the 
expediency of fitting out expeditions to go among 


these islands and seize upon a number of families, 
which, being transported into Leaphigh, might found 
a race of useful menials, who, w r hile they would 
prove much less troublesome than those who pos 
sessed all the knowledge of monikins, would proba 
bly be found more intelligent and useful than any 
domestic animal which they at present owned. 
This happy application of the subject met with 
decided commendation. I observed that most of 
the elderly females put their heads together on the 
spot, and appeared to be congratulating each other 
on the prospect of being speedily relieved from their 
household cares. 

Dr. Reasono next spoke of his departure from 
St. Helena, and of his finally landing in Portugal. 
Here, agreeably to his account, he engaged cer 
tain Savoyards to act as his couriers and guides, 
during a tour he intended to make through Portu 
gal, Spain, Switzerland, France, &c. &c. &c. I 
listened with admiration. Never before had I 
so lively a perception of the vast difference that 
is effected in our views of matters and things, by 
the agency of an active philosophy, as was now 
furnished by the narrative of the speaker. Instead 
of complaining of the treatment he had received, 
and of the degradations to which he and his com 
panions had been subjected, he spoke of it all as so 
much prudent submission, on his part, to the cus 
toms of the countries in which he happened to find 
himself, and as the means of ascertaining a thou 
sand important facts, both moral and physical, 
which he proposed to submit to the academy in a 
separate memoir, another day. At present, he 
was admonished by the clock to conclude, and he 
would therefore hasten his narrative, as much as 

The Doctor, with great ingenuousness, confessed 


that he could gladly have passed a year or two 
longer in those distant and highly interesting por 
tions of the earth ; but he could not forget that he 
had a duty to perform to the friends of two noble 
families. The Journey of Trial had been completed 
under the most favorable auspices, and the ladies 
naturally became anxious to return home. They 
had accordingly passed into Great Britain, a coun 
try remarkable for maritime enterprise, where he 
immediately commenced the necessary prepara 
tions for their sailing. A ship had been procured 
under the promise of allowing it to be freighted, 
free of custom-house charges, with the products 
of Leaphigh. A thousand applications had been 
made to him for permission to be of his party, the 
natives naturally enough wishing to see a civilized 
country; but prudence had admonished him to 
accept of those only who were the most likely to 
make themselves useful. The King of Great Bri 
tain, no mean prince in human estimation, had 
committed his only son and heir-apparent to his 
care, with a view to his improvement by travel 
ling; and the Lord High Admiral himself had 
asked permission to take command of an expedi 
tion that was of so much importance to knowledge 
in general, and to his own profession in particular. 
Here Dr. Reasono ascended our tribune, and 
presented Bob to the academy as the Prince-Royal 
of Great Britain, and Captain Poke as her Lord 
High Admiral! He pointed out certain peculiar 
ities about the former, the smut in particular, 
which had become pretty effectually incorporated 
with the skin, as so many signs of royal birth; 
and ordering the youngster to uncase, he drew 
forth the union-jack that the lad carefully kept 
about his nether part as a fender, and exhibited it 
as his armorial bearings a modification of its 


uses that would not have been very far out of the 
way, had another limb been substituted for the 
agent. As for Captain Poke, he requested the 
academicians to study his nautical air, in general, 
as furnishing sufficient proof of his pursuits, and 
of the ordinary appearance of human seamen. 

Turning to me, I was then introduced to all 
present as the travelling governor and personal 
attendant of Bob, and as a very respectable per 
son in my way. He added, that he believed, also, 
I had some pretension to be the discoverer of 
something that was called the social-stake system ; 
which, he dared to say, was a very creditable dis 
covery for one of my opportunities. 

By this prompt substitution of employments, I 
found I had effectually changed places with the 
cabin-boy; who, instead of waiting on me, was, in 
future, to receive that trifling attention at my 
hands. The mates were presented as two rear- 
admirals at nurse, and the crew was said to be 
composed of so many post-captains in the navy 
of Great Britain. To conclude, the audience was 
given to understand that we Were all brought to 
Leaphigh, like the minerals from St. Helena, as 
so many specimens of the human species ! 

I shall not deny that Dr. Reasono had taken a 
very different view of himself and his acts, as well 
as of me and my acts, from those I had all along 
entertained myself; and yet, on reflection, it is so 
common to consider ourselves in lights very dif 
ferent from those in which we are viewed by 
others, that I could not, on the whole, complain as 
much of his representations as I had at first thought 
it might become me to do. . At all events, I was 
completely spared the necessity of blushing for my 
generosity and disinterestedness, and in other re 
spects was saved the pain of viewing any part 


of my own conduct under a consciousness of its- 
attracting attention by its singularity on the score 
of merit I must say, nevertheless, that I was both 
surprised, and a little indignant ; but the sudden and 
unexpected turn that had been given to the whole 
affair threw me so completely off my centre, that, 
for the life of me, I could not say a word in my own 
behalf. To make the matter worse, that monkey 
Chatterino nodded to me kindly, as if he would 
show the spectators that, on the whole, he thought 
me a very good sort of a fellow ! 

After the lecture was over, the audience ap 
proached to examine us, taking a great many 
amiable liberties with our persons, and otherwise 
showing that we were deemed curiosities wor 
thy of their study. The King's cousin, too, was 
not neglectful of us, but he had it announced to 
the assembly that we were entirely welcome to 
Leaphigh; and that, out of respect to Dr. Reasono, 
we were all promoted to the dignity of " Honorary 
Monikins," for the entire period of our stay in the 
country. He also caused it to be proclaimed, that 
if the boys annoyed us in the streets, they should 
have their tails curled with birch curling-irons. As 
for the Doctor himself, it was proclaimed that, in 
addition to his former title of F.U.D.G.E., he was 
now preferred to be even M. O. R. E., and that he 
was also raised to the dignity of an H.O.A.X., the 
very highest honor to which any savant of Leap- 
high could attain. 

At length curiosity was appeased, and we were 
permitted to descend from the tribune; the com 
pany ceasing to attend to us, in order to pay 
attention to each other. As I had time, now, to 
recollect myself, I did not lose a moment in taking 
the two mates aside, to present a proposition that 
we should go, in a body, before a notary, and enter 


a protest against the unaccountable errors into 
which Dr. Reasono had permitted himself to fall, 
whereby the truth was violated, the rights of per 
sons invaded, humanity dishonored, and the Leap- 
high philosophy misled. I cannot say that my ar 
guments were well received ; and I was compelled 
to quit the two rear-admirals, and to go in quest of 
the crew, with the conviction that the former had been 
purchased. An appeal to the reckless, frank, loyal 
natures of the common seamen, I thought, would 
not fail to meet with better success. Here, too, I was 
fated to encounter disappointment. The men swore 
a few hearty oaths, and affirmed that Leaphigh was 
a good country. They expected pay and rations, 
as a matter of course, in proportion to their new 
rank ; and having tasted the sweets of command, 
they were not yet prepared to quarrel with their 
good fortune, and to lay aside the silver tankard 
for the tar-pot. 

Quitting the rascals, whose heads really appear 
ed to be turned by their unexpected elevation, I 
determined to hunt up Bob, and, by dint of Mr. 
Poke's ordinary application, compel him, at least, 
in despite of the union-jack, to return to a sense of 
his duty, and to reassume his old post as the servi 
tor of my wants. I found the little blackguard in 
the midst of a bevy of monikinas of all ages, who 
were lavishing their attentions on his worthless per 
son, and otherwise doing all they could to eradicate 
everything like^ humility, or any good quality that 
might happen to remain in him. He certainly gave 
me a fair opportunity to commence the attack, for 
he wore the union-jack over his shoulder, in the 
manner of a royal mantle, while the females of in 
ferior rank pressed about him to kiss its hem ! The 
air with which he received this adulation, fairly 
imposed on even me ; and, fearful that the monikinas 
might mob me, should I attempt to undeceive them, 


for monikinas, let them be of what species they 
may, always hug a delusion, I abandoned my 
hostile intentions, for the moment, and hurried after 
Mr. Poke, little doubting my ability of bringing 
one of his natural rectitude of mind, to a right way 
of thinking. 

The Captain heard my remonstrances with a 
decent respect. He even seemed to enter into my 
feelings with a proper degree of sympathy. He 
very frankly admitted that I had not been well 
treated by Dr. Reasono, and he appeared to think 
that a private conversation with that individual 
might yet possibly have the effect of bringing him 
to a more reasonable representation of facts. But, 
as to any sudden and violent appeal to public opin 
ion for justice, or an ill-advised recourse to a nota 
ry, he strenuously objected to both. The purport 
of his remarks was somewhat as follows : 

" He was not acquainted with the Leaphigh law 
of protests, and, in consequence, we might spend 
our money in paying fees, without reaping any ad 
vantage ; the Doctor, moreover, was a philosopher, 
an F. U. D. G. E., and an H. O. A. X., and these were 
fearful odds to contend against in any country, and 
more especially in a foreign country ; he had an 
innate dislike for law-suits ; the loss of my station 
was certainly a grievance, but, still, it might be 
borne ; as for himself, he never asked for the office 
of Lord High Admiral of Great Britain, but, as it 
had been thrust upon him, why, he w r ould do his 
best to sustain the character ; he knew his friends 
at Stunin'tun would be glad to hear of his promo 
tion, for, though in his country there were no Lords, 
nor even any Admirals, his countrymen were always 
exceedingly rejoiced whenever any of their fellow- 
citizens were preferred to those stations by any body 
but themselves, seeming to think an honor confer 
red on one, was an honor conferred on the whole 


nation ; he liked to confer honor on his own nation, 
for no people on 'arth tuck up a notion of this sort, 
and divided it among themselves in a way to give 
each a share, sooner than the people of the States, 
though they were very cautious about leaving any' 
portion of the credit in first hands, and, therefore, 
he was disposed to keep as much as he could, while 
it was in his power ; he believed he was a better 
seaman than most of the Lord High Admirals who 
had gone before him, and he had no fears on that 
score ; he wondered whether his promotion made 
Miss Poke Lady High Admiral ; as I seemed great 
ly put out about my own rank, he would give me 
the acting appointment of a chaplain, (he didn't 
think I was qualified to be a sea-officer,) and no 
doubt I had interest enough at home to get it con 
firmed ; a great statesman in his country had said, 
" that few die and none resigned," and he did n't 
like to be the first fo set new fashions ; for his part, 
he rather looked upon Dr. Reasono as his friend, 
and it was unpleasant to quarrel with one's friends ; 
he was willing to do any thing, in reason, but re 
sign, and if I could persuade the Doctor to say he 
had fallen into a mistake in my particular case, and 
that I had been sent to Leaphigh as a Lord High 
Ambassador, Lord High Priest, or Lord High any 
thing else, except Lord High Admiral, why, he was 
ready to swear to it though he now gave notice 
that, in the event of such an arrangement, he should 
claim to rank me in virtue of the date of his own 
commission; if he gave up his appointment a minute 
sooner than was absolutely necessary, he should 
lose his own self-respect, and never dare look Miss 
Poke in the face, again ; on the whole, he should 
do no such thing ; and, finally, he wished me a 
good morning, as he was about to make a call on 
the Lord High Admiral of Leaphigh.' ; 
VOL. II. 3 



New lords, new laws Gyration, rotation, and another na 
tion ; also an invitation. 

I FELT that my situation had now become ex 
ceedingly peculiar. It is true that my modesty had 
been unexpectedly spared, by the very ingenious 
turn Dr. Reasono had given to the history of our 
connexion with each other; but I could not see that 
I had gained any other advantage by the expedient. 
All my own species had, in a sense, cut me ; and I 
was obliged to turn despondingly, and not without 
humiliation, towards the inn, where the banquet 
ordered by Mr. Poke waited our appearance. 

I had reached the great square, when a tap on 
the knee drew my attention to one at my side. The 
applicant for notice was a monikin, who had all the 
physical peculiarities of a subject of Leaphigh, and 
yet, who was to be distinguished from most of the 
inhabitants of that country, by a longer and less 
cultivated nap to his natural garment, greater 
shrewdness about the expression of the eyes and 
the mouth, a general air of business, and, for a 
novelty, a bob-cauda. He was accompanied by posi 
tively the least well-favored being of the species I 
had yet seen. I was addressed by the former. 

" Good morning, Sir John Goldencalf," he com 
menced, with a sort of jerk, that I afterwards 
learned was meant for a diplomatic salutation; 
" you have not met with the very best treatment 
to-day, and I have been waiting for a good oppor 
tunity to make my condolences, and to offer my 


"Sir, you are only too good. I do feel a little 
wronged ; and I must say, sympathy is most grate 
ful to my feelings. You will, however, allow me 
to express my surprise at your being acquainted 
with my real name, as well as with my misfor 

" Why, sir, to own the truth, I belong to an ex 
amining people. The population is very much 
scattered in my country, and we have fallen into a 
practice of inquiry that is very natural to such a 
state of things. I think you must have observed 
that in passing along a common highway, you 
rarely meet another without a nod; while thou 
sands are met in a crowded street without even a 
glance of the eye. We develop this principle, sir ; 
and never let any fact escape us, for the want of a 
laudable curiosity." 

" You are not a subject of Leaphigh* then ?" 

" God forbid ! No, sir, I am a citizen of Leap- 
low, a great and a glorious republic that lies three 
days' sail from this island ; a new nation, which is 
in the enjoyment of all the advantages of youth and 
vigor, and which is a perfect miracle for the bold 
ness of its conceptions, the purity of its institutions, 
and its sacred respect for the rights of monikins. I 
have the honor to be, moreover, the Envoy Extra 
ordinary and Minister Plenipotentiary of the repub 
lic to the King of Leaphigh, a nation from which 
we originally sprung, but which we have left far 
behind us in the race of glory and usefulness. I 
ought to acquaint you with my name, sir, in return 
for the advantage I possess on this head, in relation 
to yourself." 

Hereupon my new acquaintance put into my 
hand one of his visiting-cards, which contained as 
follows : 




Envoy Extraordinary and Minister Plenipo 
tentiary from the Republic of Leaplow 
near his Majesty the King of Leaphigh. 

" Sir," said I, pulling off my hat with a profound 
reverence, " I was not aware to whom I had the 
honor of speaking. You appear to fill a variety 
of employments, and I make no doubt, with equal 

" Yes, sir, I believe I am about as good at one 
of my professions, as at another." 

" You will permit me to observe, however, Gene 
ral a a Judge a a I scarcely know, dear 
sir, which of these titles is the most to your taste 1" 

" Use which you please, sir. I began with Gen 
eral, but had got as low as Colonel before I left 
home. People's Friend is the only appellation of 
which I am at all tenacious. Call me People's 
Friend, sir, and you may call me anything else you 
find most convenient." 

" Sir, you are only too obliging. May I venture 
to ask if you have really, proprid persona, filled all 
these different stations in life r' 

"Certainly, sir I hope you do not mistake me 
for an impostor !" 

" As far from it as possible. But a judge and a 
commodore, for instance, are characters whose 
duties are so utterly at variance, in human affairs, 
that I will allow I find the conjunction, even in a 
monikin, a little extraordinary." 

'Not at all, sir. I was duly elected to each, 
served my time out in them all, and have honorable 
discharges to show in every instance." 

" You must have found some perplexity in the 
performance of duties so very different?" 


" Ah I see you have been long enough in Leap- 
high to imbibe some of its prejudices ! It is a sad 
country for prejudice. I got my foot mired in some 
of them myself, as soon as it touched the land. 
Why, sir, my card is an illustration of what we 
call, in Leaplow, rotation in office." 

" Rotation in office !" 

" Yes, sir, rotation in office ; a system that we 
invented for our personal convenience, and which 
is likely to be firm, as it depends on principles that 
are eternal." 

" Will you suffer me to inquire, Colonel, if it has 
any affinity to the social-stake system?" 

" Not in the least. That, as I understand it, is a 
stationary, while this is a rotatory system. Nothing 
is simpler. We have in Leaplow two enormous 
boxes made in the form of wheels. Into one we 
put the names of the citizens, and into the other the 
names of the offices. We then draw forth, in the 
manner of a lottery ; and the thing is settled for a 

" I find this rotatory plan exceedingly simple 
pray, sir, does it work as well as it promises ?" 

" To perfection. We grease the wheels, of 
course, periodically." 

" And are not frauds sometimes committed by 
those who are selected to draw the tickets?" 

" Oh ! they are chosen precisely in the same 

" But those who draw their tickets 1" 

" All rotatory they are drawn exactly on the 
same principle." 

" But there must be a beginning. Those, again, 
who draw tfteir tickets they may betray their 

"Impossible they are always the most Patriotic 
Patriots of the land ! No, no, sir we are not such 


dunces as to leave anything to corruption. Chance 
does it all. Chance makes me a commodore to 
day a judge to-morrow. Chance makes the lottery 
boys, and chance makes the patriots. It is neces 
sary to see in order to understand how much purer 
and useful is your chance patriot, for instance, than 
one that is bred to the calling." 

" Why, this savors, after all, of the doctrine of 
descents, which is little more than a matter of 

"It would be so, sir, I confess, were it not 
that our chances centre in a system of patriots. 
Our approved patriots are our guarantees against 
abuses^ " 

" Hem '."interrupted the companion of Commo 
dore People's Friend, with an awkward distinct 
ness, as if to recall himself to our recollection. 

" Sir John, I crave pardon for great remissness 
allow me to present my fellow-citizen, Brigadier 
Downright, a gentleman who is on his travels, like 
yourself; and as excellent a fellow as is to be found 
in the whole monikin region." 

"Brigadier Downright, I crave the honor of your 
acquaintance. But, gentlemen, I too have been 
sadly negligent of politeness. A banquet that has 
cost a hundred promises is waiting my appearance; 
and, as some of the expected guests are unavoid 
ably absent, if you would favor me with your ex 
cellent society, we might spend an agreeable hour 
in the further discussion of these important inte 

As neither of the strangers made the smallest 
objection to the proposal, we were all soon com 
fortably seated at the dinner-table. The Commo 
dore, who, it would seem, was habitually well fed, 
merely paid a little complimentary attention to the 
banquet ; but Mr. Downright attacked it tooth and 


nail, and I had no great reason to regret the 
absence of Mr. Poke. In the mean time, the con 
versation did not flag. 

" I think I understand the outline of your system, 
Judge People's Friend," I resumed, " with the ex 
ception of the part that relates to the Patriots. 
Would it be asking too much to request a little 
explanation on that particular point ?" 

"Not in the least, sir* Our social arrangement 
is founded on a hint from nature ; a base, as you 
will concede, that is broad enough to sustain the 
universe. As a people, we are a hive that formerly 
swarmed from Leaphigh; and finding ourselves 
free and independent, we set about forthwith build 
ing the social system on not only a sure foundation, 
but on sure principles. Observing that nature dealt 
in duplicates, we pursued the hint, as the leading 
idea " 

" In duplicates, Commodore !" 

" Certainly, Sir John a monikin has two eyes, 
two ears, two nostrils, two lungs, two arms, two 
hands, two legs, two feet, and so on to the end of 
the chapter. On this hint, we ordered that there 
should be drawn, morally, in every district of Leap- 
low, two distinct and separate lines, that should 
run at right angles to each other. These were 
termed the " political land-marks" of the country ; 
and it was expected that every citizen should range 
himself along one or the other. All this you will 
understand, however, was a moral contrivance, not 
a physical one." 

" Is the obligation of this moral contrivance im 
perative?" . 

"Not legally, it is true; but then, he who does not 
respect it is like one who is out of fashion, and he is so 
generally esteemed a poor devil, that the usage has 
a good deal more than the force of a law. At first, 


it was intended to make it a part of the con 
stitution; but one of our most experienced states 
men so clearly demonstrated that, by so doing, we 
should not only weaken the nature of the obliga 
tion, but most probably raise a party against it, the 
idea was abandoned. Indeed, if any thing, both the 
letter and the spirit of the fundamental law have 
been made to lean a little against the practice ; but 
having been cleverly introduced, in the way of con 
struction, it is now bone of our bone, and flesh of 
our flesh. Well, sir, these two great political land 
marks being fairly drawn, the first effort of one 
who aspires to be thought a Patriot, is to acquire 
the practice of 'toeing the mark' promptly and 
with facility. But should I illustrate my positions 
by a few experiments, you might comprehend the 
subject all the better. For though, in fact, the true 
evolutions are purely moral, as I have just had the 
honor to explain, yet we have instituted a physical 
parallel that is very congenial to our habits, with 
which the neophyte always commences." 

Here the Commodore took a bit of chalk and 
drew two very distinct lines, crossing each other 
at right angles, through the centre of the room. 
When this was done, he placed his feet together, 
and then he invited me to examine if it were possi 
ble to see any part of the planks between the extre 
mities of his toes and the lines. After a rigid look, 
I was compelled to confess it was not. 

" This is what we call toeing the mark ;' it is 
4 Social Position,, No. 1.' Almost every citizen gets 
to be expert in practising it, on one or the other of 
the two great political lines. After this, he who 
would push his fortunes further, commences his 
career on the great rotatory principle." 

"Your pardon, Commodore; we call the word 
rotary, in English." 


" Sir, it is not expressive enough for our mean 
ing; and therefore we term it ' rotatory.' I shall 
now give you an example of Position No. 2." 

Here the Commodore made a spring, throwing 
his body, as a soldier would express it, to the "right 
about," bringing, at the same time, his feet entirely 
on the other side of the line ; always rigidly toe 
ing the mark. 

" Sir," said I, " this was extremely well done ; 
but is this evolution as useful as certainly it is 
dexterous ?" 

"It has the advantage of changing front, Sir 
John ; a manoeuvre quite as useful in politics as in 
war. Most all in the line get to practise this, too, 
as my friend Downright, there, could show you, 
were he so disposed." 

" I do n't like to expose my flanks, or my rear, 
more than another," growled the Brigadier. 

" If agreeable, I will now show you Gyration 
2d, or Position No. 3." 

On my expressing a strong desire to see it, the 
Commodore put himself again in Position No. 1 ; 
and then he threw what Captain Poke was in the 
habit of calling a * flap-jack,' or a summerset; 
coming down in a way tenaciously to toe the 

I was much gratified with the dexterity of the 
Commodore, and frankly expressed as much ; in 
quiring, at the same time, if many attained to the 
same skill. Both the Commodore and the Briga 
dier laughed at the simplicity of the question ; the 
former answering that the people of Leaplow 
were exceedingly active and adventurous, and both 
lines had got to be so expert, that, at the word of 
command, they would throw their summersets in 
as exact time, and quite as promptly, as a regi- 

* * 

34 THE MOfflKIffS. 

ment of guards would go through the evolution 
of slapping their cartridge-boxes. 

" What, sir," I exclaimed, in admiration, " the 
entire population !" 

"Virtually, sir. There is, now and then, a 
stumbler ; but he is instantly kicked out of sight, 
and uniformly counts for nothing." 

" But as yet, Commodore, your evolutions are 
altogether too general to admit of the chance 
selection of patriots, since patriotism is usually a 

" Very true, Sir John; I shall therefore come to 
the main point without delay. Thus far, it is 
pretty much an affair of the whole population, as 
you say; few refusing to toe the mark, Or to 
throw the necessary flap-jacks, as you have inge 
niously termed them. The lines, as you may per 
ceive, cross each other at right angles; and there 
is consequently some crowding, and, occasionally, 
a good deal of jostling, at and near the point of 
junction. We begin to term a monikin a Patriot, 
when he can perform this evolution." 

Here the Commodore threw his heels into the 
air with such rapidity that I could not very well 
tell what he was about, though it was sufficiently 
apparent that he was acting entirely on the rota 
tory principle. I observed that he alighted, with 
singular accuracy, on the very spot where he had 
stood before, toeing the mark with beautiful pre 

" That is what we call Gyration 3d, or Position 
No. 4. He who can execute it is considered an 
adept in our politics ; and he invariably takes his 
position near the enemy, or at the junction of the 
hostile lines." 

" How, sir, are these lines, then, manned as they 


are with citizens of the same country, deemed 
hostile !" 

"Are cats and dogs hostile, sir? Certainly, 
although standing, as it might be, face to face, 
acting on precisely the same principle, or the rota 
tory impulse, and professing to have exactly the 
same object in view, viz. the common good, they 
are social, political, and I might almost say, the 
moral antipodes of each other. They rarely inter 
marry, never extol, and frequently refuse to speak 
to one another. In short, as the Brigadier could tell 
you, if he were so disposed, they are antagonist, 
body and soul. To be plain, sir, they are enemies." 

"This is very extraordinary for fellow-citizens!" 

" 'Tis the monikin nature," observed Mr. Down 
right ; " no doubt, sir, men are much wiser ?" 

As I did not wish to divert the discourse from 
the present topic, I merely bowed to this remark, 
and begged the Judge to proceed. 

" Weil, sir," continued the latter, " you can 
easily imagine that they who are placed near the 
point where the two lines meet, have no sinecures. 
To speak the truth, they blackguard each other 
with all their abilities, he who manifests the most 
inventive genius in this high accomplishment, being 
commonly thought the cleverest fellow. Now, sir, 
none but a patriot could, in the nature of things, 
endure this without some other motive than his 
country's good, and so we esteem them." 

" But the most Patriotic Patriots, Commodore ?" 

The minister of Leaphigh now toed the mark 
again, placing himself within a few feet of the 
point of junction between the two lines; and then 
he begged me to pay particular attention to his 
evolution. When all was ready, the Commodore 
threw himself, as it were, invisibly into the air 
again, head over heels, so far as I could discover, 


and alighted on the antagonist line, toeing the 
mark with a most astonishing particularity. It was 
a clever gyration, beyond a doubt ; and the per 
former looked towards me, as if inviting com 

" Admirably executed, Judge, and in a way to 
induce one to believe that you must have paid great 
attention to the practice." 

" I have performed this mano3uvre, Sir John, five 
times in real life ; and my claim to be a Patriotic 
Patriot is founded on its invariable success. A 
single false step might have ruined me; but as 
you say, practice makes perfect, and perfection is 
the parent of success." 

" And yet I do not rightly understand how so 
sudden a desertion of one's own side, to go over, in 
this active manner, head over heels, I may say, to 
another side, constitutes a fair claim to be deemed 
so pure a character as that of a patriot." 

" What, sir, is not he who throws himself de- 
fencelessly into the very middle of the ranks of the 
enemy, the hero of the combat ? Now, as this is a 
political struggle, and not a warlike struggle, but 
one in which the good of the country is alone upper 
most, the monikin who thus manifests the greatest 
devotion to the cause, must be the purest patriot I 
give you my honor, sir, all my own claims are 
founded entirely on this particular merit" 

" He is right, Sir John ; you may believe every 
word he says," observed the Brigadier, nodding. 

" I begin to understand your system, which is 
certainly well adapted to the monikin habits, and 
must give rise to a noble emulation in the practice 
of the rotatory principle. But I understood you to 
say, Colonel, that the people of Leaplow are from 
the hive of Leaphigh ?" 

" Just so, sir." 


" How happens it then, that you dock yourselves 
of the nobler member, while the inhabitants of this 
country cherish it as the apple of the eye nay, as 
the seat of reason itself?" 

"You allude to our tails? Why, sir, Nature has 
dealt out these ornaments with a very unequal 
hand, as you may perceive on looking out of the 
window. We agree that the tail is the seat of rea 
son, and that the extremities are the most intellec 
tual parts; but, as governments are framed to 
equalize these natural inequalities, we denounce 
them as anti-republican. The law requires, there 
fore, that every citizen, on attaining his majority, 
shall be docked agreeably to a standard measure, 
that is kept in each district. Without some such 
expedient, there might be an aristocracy of intellect 
among us, and there would be an end of our liber 
ties. This is the qualification of a voter, too, and 
of course we all seek to obtain it." 

Here the Brigadier leaned across the table and 
whispered that a great patriot, on a most trying 
occasion, had succeeded in throwing a summerset 
out of his own into the antagonist line, and that, as 
he carried with him all the sacred principles for 
which his party had been furiously contending for 
many years, he had been unceremoniously dragged 
back by his tail, which unfortunately came within 
reach of those quondam friends on whom he had 
turned his back ; and that the law had, in truth, been 
passed in the interests of the patriots. He added, 
that the lawful measure allowed a longer stump 
than was commonly used ; but that it was considered 
under-bred for any one to wear a dock that reached 
more than two inches and three quarters of an inch 
into society, and that most of their political aspi 
rants, in particular, chose to limit themselves to one 

VOL. II. 4 


inch and one quarter of an inch, as a proof of ex 
cessive humility. 

Thanking Mr. Downright for his clear and sensi 
ble explanation, the conversation was resumed. 

" I had thought, as your institutions are founded 
on reason and nature, Judge," I continued, " that 
you would be more disposed to cultivate this 
member than to mutilate it; and this the more 
especially, as I understand all monikins believe it 
to be the very quintessence of reason." 

" No doubt, sir ; we do cultivate our tails, but it 
is on the vegetable principle, or as the skilful gar 
dener lops the branch that it may throw out more 
vigorous shoots. It is true, we do not expect to see 
the tail itself sprouting out anew ; but then we look 
to the increase of its reason, and to its more gene 
ral diffusion in society. The extremities of our 
caudcB, as fast as they are lopped, are sent to a great 
intellectual mill, where the mind is extracted from 
the matter, and the former is sold, on public ac 
count, to the editors of the daily journals. This is 
the reason our Leaplow journalists are so distin 
guished for their ingenuity and capacity, and the 
reason, too, why they so faithfully represent the 
average of the Leaplow knowledge." 

" And honesty, you ought to add," growled the 

" I see the beauty of the system, Judge, and very 
beautiful it is ! This essence of lopped tails repre 
sents the average of Leaplow brains, being a com 
pound of all the tails of the country; and as a daily 
journal is addressed to the average intellect of the 
community, there is a singular fitness between the 
readers and the readees. To complete my stock 
of information on this head, however, will you just 
allow me to inquire what is the effect of this system 
on the totality of Leaplow intelligence ?" 


" Wonderful ! As we are a commonwealth, it is 
necessary to have a unity of sentiment on all lead 
ing matters, and by thus compounding all the ex 
tremes of our reasons, we get what is called ' pub 
lic opinion;' which public opinion is uttered through 
the public journals " 

" And a most Patriotic Patriot is always chosen 
to be the inspector of the mill," interrupted the Bri 

" Better and better ! you send all the finer parts 
of your several intellects to be ground up and 
kneaded together; the compound is sold to the 
journalists, who utter it anew, as the results of the 
united wisdom of the country !" 

" Or, as public opinion. We make great ac 
count of reason in all our affairs, invariably calling 
ourselves the most enlightened nation on earth; 
but then we are especially averse to anything like 
an insulated effort of the mind, which is offensive, 
anti-republican, aristocratic and dangerous. We 
put all our trust in this representation of brains, 
which is singularly in accordance with the funda 
mental base of our society, as you must perceive." 

" We are a commercial people, too," put in 
the Brigadier ; " and being much accustomed to 
the laws of insurance, we like to deal in ave 

"Very true, brother Downright; very true. We 
are particularly averse to anything like inequality. 
Ods zooks ! it is almost as great an offence for a 
monikin to know more than his neighbors, as it 
is for him to act on his own impulses. No no 
we are truly a free and an independent common 
wealth, and we hold every citizen as amenable to 
public opinion, in all he does, says, thinks or 

" Pray, sir, do both of the two great political 

40 THE 

lines send their tails to the same mills, and respect 
the same general sentiments ?" 

"No, sir; we have two public opinions, in Leap- 

" Two public opinions !" 

" Certainly, sir ; the horizontal and the perpen 

" This infers a most extraordinary fertility of 
thought, and one that I hold to be almost impos 
sible !" 

Here the Commodore and the Brigadier incon 
tinently both laughed as hard as they could ; and 
that, too, directly in my face. 

" Dear me, Sir John why, my dear Sir John ! 

Jou are really the drollest creature !" gasped the 
udge, holding his sides, " the very funniest ques 
tion I have ev ev ever encountered!" He 
now stopped to wipe his eyes; after which he 
was better able to express himself. " The same 
public opinion, forsooth ! Dear me dear me, 
that I should not have made myself understood ! 
I commenced, my good Sir John, by telling you 
that we deal in duplicates, on a hint from Nature ; 
and that we act on the rotatory principle. In 
obedience to the first, we have always two pub 
lic opinions; and, although the great political 
land-marks are drawn in what may be called a 
stationary sense, they, too, are in truth rotatory. 
One, which is thought to lie parallel to the fun 
damental law, or the constitutional meridian of 
the country, is termed the horizontal, and the other 
the perpendicular line. Now, as nothing is really 
stationary in Leaplow, these two great land-marks 
are always acting, likewise, on the rotatory princi 
ple, changing places periodically; the perpendicular 
becoming the horizontal, and vice versa ; they who 
toe their respective marks, necessarily taking new 


views of things, as they vary the line of sight. 
These great revolutions are, however, very slow, 
and are quite as imperceptible to those who accom 
pany them, as are the revolutions of our planet to 
its inhabitants." 

"And the gyrations of the patriots, of which the 
Judge has just now spoken," added the Brigadier, 
" are much the same as the eccentric movements 
of the comets that embellish the solar system, 
without deranging it by their uncertain courses." 

" No, sir, we should be poorly off, indeed, if we 
had but one public opinion," resumed the Judge. 
" Ecod, I do not know what would become of the 
most Patriotic Patriots, in such a dilemma !" 

" Pray, sir, let me ask, as you draw for places, 
if you have as many places as there are citizens ?" 

" Certainly, sir. Our places are divided, firstly, 
into the two great subdivisions of the "inner" and 
the "outer." Those who toe the mark on the most 
popular line occupy the former, and those who toe 
the mark on the least popular line take all the rest, 
as a matter of course. The first, however, it is 
necessary to explain, are the only places worth 
having. As great care is had to keep the commu 
nity pretty nearly equally divided " 

" Excuse the interruption but in what manner 
is this effected?" 

"Why, as only a certain number can toe the 
mark, we count all those who are not successful 
in getting up to the line, as outcasts ; and, after 
fruitlessly hanging about our skirts for a time, 
they invariably go over to the other line ; since it 
is better to be first in a village, than second in 
Rome. We thus keep up something like an equi 
librium in the state, which, as you must know, is 
necessary to liberty. The minority take the outer 
places, and all the inner are left to the majority. 


Then comes another subdivision of the places; 
that is to say, one division is formed of the honor 
ary, and another of the profitable places. The 
honorary, or about nine-tenths of all the inner 
places, are divided, with great impartiality, among 
the mass of those who have toed the mark on the 
strongest side, and who usually are satisfied with 
the glory of the victory. The names of the remain 
der are put into the wheels to be drawn for 
against the prizes, on the rotatory principle." 

" And the patriots, sir; are they included in this 
chance-medley ?" 

" Far from it. As a reward for their dangers, 
they have a little wheel to themselves, although 
they, also, are compelled to submit to the rotatory 
principle. Their cases differ from those of the 
others, merely in the fact that they always get 
something. 1 ' 

I would gladly have pursued the conversation, 
which was opening a flood of light upon my poli 
tical understanding; but, just then, a fellow with 
the air of a footman entered, carrying a packet 
tied to the end of his cauda. Turning round, he 
presented his burthen, with profound respect, and 
withdrew. I found that the packet contained three 
notes, with the following addresses : 

" To his Royal Highness Bob, Prince of Wales, &c. &c. &c." 
" To my Lord High Admiral Poke, &c. &c. &c." 
"To Master Goldencalf, Clerk, &c. &c. &c." 

Apologizing to my guests, the seal of my own 
note was eagerly opened. It read as follows : 

"The Right Honorable the Earl of Chatterino, Lord of the 
Bed-Chamber in waiting on his Majesty, informs Master 
John Goldencalf, Clerk, that he is commanded to attend the 


drawing-room, this evening, when the nuptial ceremony will 
take place between the Earl of Chatterino and the Lady 
Chatterissa, the first Maid of Honor to her Majesty the 

" N. B. The gentlemen will appear in full dress" 

On explaining the contents of my note to the 
Judge, he informed me that he was aware of the 
approaching ceremony, as he had also an invita 
tion to be present, in his official character. I 
begged, as a particular favor, England having no 
representative at Leaphigh, that he would do me 
the honor to present me, in his capacity of a 
foreign minister. The Envoy made no sort of 
objection, and I inquired as to the costume neces 
sary to be observed ; as, so far as I had seen, it 
was good breeding at Leaphigh to go naked. The 
Envoy had the goodness to explain, that, although, 
in point of mere attire, clothing was extremely 
offensive to the people of both Leaphigh and Leap- 
low, yet, in the former country, no one could pre 
sent himself at court, foreign ministers excepted, 
without a cauda. As soon as we understood each 
other on these points, we separated, with an un 
derstanding that I was to be in readiness (together 
with my companions, of whose interest I had not 
been forgetful) to attend the Envoy and the Briga 
dier, when they should call for me, at an hour 
that was named. 



A court, a court-dress, and a courtier Justice in various 
aspects, as well as honor. 

MY guests were no sooner gone, than I sent for 
the landlady, to inquire if any court-dresses were 
to be had in the neighborhood. She told me, 
plenty might certainly be had, that were suited to 
the monikin dimensions, but she much doubted 
whether there was a tail in all Leaphigh, natural 
or artificial, that was at all fit for a person of my 
stature. This was vexatious ; and I was in a 
brown-study, calling up all my resources for the 
occasion, when Mr. Poke entered the inn, carry 
ing in his hand two as formidable ox-tails as I 
remember ever to have seen. Throwing one to 
wards me, he said the Lord High Admiral of 
Leaphigh had acquainted him, that there was an 
invitation out for the Prince and himself, as well 
as for the governor of the former, to be present 
at court within an hour. He had hurried off 
from what he called a very good dinner, consider 
ing there was nothing solid, (the Captain was par 
ticularly fond of pickled pork,) to let me know the 
honor that was intended us; and, on the way 
home, he had fallen in with Dr. Reasono, who, on 
being acquainted with his errand, had riot failed 
to point out the necessity of the whole party com 
ing en habit de cour. Here was a dilemma, with a 
vengeance ; for the first idea that struck the Cap 
tain was " the utter impossibility of finding any 
thing in this way, in all Leaphigh, befitting a Lord 
High Admiral of his length of keel; for, as to going 
in an ordinary monikin queue, why, he should look 


like a three-decked ship, with a brig's spar step 
ped for a lower mast!" Dr. Reasono, however, 
had kindly removed the embarrassment, by con 
ducting him to the Cabinet of Natural History, 
where three suitable appendages had been found, 
viz. two fine relics of oxen,* and another, a capital 
specimen, that had formerly been the mental lever, 
or, as the Captain expressed it, "the steering oar" 
of a kangaroo. The latter had been sent off, ex 
press, with a kind consideration for the honor of 
Great Britain, to Prince Bob, who was at a villa 
of one of the royal family, in the neighborhood of 

I was greatly indebted to Noah, for his dexterity 
in helping me to a good fit with my court-dress. 
There was not time for much particularity, for 
we were in momentary expectation of Judge Peo 
ple's Friend's return. All we could do, therefore, 
was to make a belt of canvas, (the Captain being 
always provided with needles, palm, &c., in his 
bag,) and to introduce the smaller end of the tail 
through a hole in the belt, drawing its base tight 
up to the cloth, which, in its turn, was stitched 
round our bodies. This was but an indifferent sub 
stitute for the natural appendage, it is true ; and 
the hide had got to be so dry and unyielding, that 
it was impossible for the least observant person to 
imagine there was a particle of brains in it. The 
arrangement had, also, another disadvantage. The 
cauda stuck out nearly at right angles with the 
position of the body, and, besides occupying much 
more space than would probably be permitted in 
the royal presence, " it gave any jackanapes," as 
Noah observed, " the great advantage over us, of 
making us yaw at pleasure, since he might use 
the outriggers as levers." But a seaman is inex- 

* Canda Boviim.BuF. 

46 THE MONlKlffS. 

haustible in expedients. Two " back-stays," or 
" bob-stays," (for the Captain facetiously gave 
them both appellations,) were soon " turned in," 
and the tails were " stayed in, in a way to bring 
them as upright as try-sail-masts;" to which spars, 
indeed, according to Noah's account of the mat 
ter, they bore no small resemblance. 

The Envoy Extraordinary of Leaplow, accom 
panied by his friend, Brigadier Downright, arrived 
just as we were dressed ; and a most extraordinary 
figure the former cut, if truth must be said. Al 
though obliged to be docked, according to the 
Leaplow law, to six inches, and brought down to 
a real bob, by both the public opinions of his coun 
try, for this was one of the few points on which 
these antagonist sentiments were perfectly agreed, 
he now appeared in just the largest brush I remem 
ber to have seen appended to a monikin ! I felt a 
strong inclination to joke the rotatory republican 
on this coquetry; but then I remembered how 
sweet any stolen indulgence becomes; and, for 
the life of me, I could not give utterance to a 
ban mot. The elegance of the Minister was ren 
dered the more conspicuous by the simplicity of 
the Brigadier, who had contrived to moustache his 
dock, a very short one at the best, in such a man 
ner as to render it nearly invisible. On my ex 
pressing a doubt to Mr. Downright about his being 
admitted in such a costume, he snapped his fingers, 
and gave me to understand he knew better. He 
appeared as a Brigadier of Leaplow, (I found 
afterwards that he was in truth no soldier, but 
that it was a fashion among his countrymen to 
travel under the title of Brigadier,) and this was 
his uniform ; and he should like to see the cham 
berlain who would presume to call in question the 
state of his wardrobe ! As it was no affair of 


mine, I prudently dropped the subject, and we 
were soon in the court of the palace. 

I shall pass over the parade of guards, the state 
bands, the sergeant-trumpeters, the crowd of foot 
men and pages, and conduct the reader at once to 
the antechamber. Here we found the usual throng 
composed of those who live in the smiles of 
princes. There was a great deal of politeness, 
much bowing and curtseying, and the customary 
amount of genteel empressement to be the first to 
bask in the sunshine of royalty. Judge People's 
Friend, in his character of a foreign minister, was 
privileged; and we had enjoyed the private entree, 
and were now, of right, placed nearest to the 
great doors of the royal apartments. Most of the 
diplomatic corps were already in attendance, and, 
quite as a matter of course, there were a great 
many cordial manifestations of the ardent attach 
ment that bound them and their masters together, 
in the inviolable bonds of a most sacred amity. 
Judge People's Friend, according to his own ac 
count of the matter, represented a^great nation 
a very great nation and yet I did not perceive 
that he met with a warm a very warm recep 
tion. However, as he seemed satisfied with him 
self, and all around him, it would have been 
unkind, not to say rude, in a stranger to disturb 
his self-esteem ; and I took especial care, therefore, 
not to betray, by the slightest hint, my opinion 
that a good many near his person seemed to think 
him and his artificial queue somewhat in the way. 
The courtiers of Leaphigh, in particular, who are 
an exceedingly exclusive and fastidious corps, ap 
peared to regard the privileges of the Judge with 
an evil eye; and one or two of them actually held 
their noses as he flourished his brush a little too 
near their faces, as if they found its odor 


out of fashion. While making these silent observa 
tions, a page cried out from the lower part of the 
saloon, " Room for his Royal Highness the Crown 
Prince of Great Britain !" The crowd opened, and 
that young blackguard Bob walked up the avenue, 
in state. He wore the turnspit garment as the 
base of his toilet; but the superstructure was 
altogether more in keeping with the rascal's as 
sumed character. The union-jack was thrown 
over his. shoulder in the fashion of a mantle, and 
it was supported by the cook and steward of the 
Walrus, (two blacks,) both clothed as alligators. 
The kangaroo's tail was rigged in a way to excite 
audible evidences of envy in the heart of Mr. 
Poke. The stepping of it, the Captain whispered, 
" did the young dog great credit, for it looked as 
natural as the best wig he had ever seen; and then, 
in addition to the bob-stay, it had two guys, which 
acted like the yoke-lines of a boat, or in such a 
way, that by holding one in each hand, the brush 
could be worked * starboard and larboard' like a 
rudder." I have taken this description mainly from 
the mouth of the Captain, and most sincerely do 
I hope it may be intelligible to the reader. 

Bob appeared to be conscious of his advantages; 
for, on reaching the upper end of the room, he 
began whisking his tail, and flourishing it to the 
right and left, so as to excite a very perceptible 
and lively admiration in the mind of Judge People's 
Friend, an effect that so much the more proved 
the wearer's address, for that high functionary 
was bound ex cfficio to entertain a sovereign con 
tempt for all courtly vanities. I saw the eye of 
the Captain kindle, however ; and when the inso 
lent young coxcomb actually had the temerity to 
turn his back on his master, and to work his brush 
under his very nose, human nature could endure 


no more. The right leg of my Lord High Admiral 
slowly retired, with somewhat of the caution of 
the cat about to spring, and then it was projected 
forward, with a rapidity that absolutely lifted the 
Crown Prince from the floor. 

The royal self-possession of Bob could not pre 
vent an exclamation of pain, as well as of sur 
prise ; and some of the courtiers ran forward invo 
luntarily to aid him, for courtiers always run 
involuntarily to the succor of princes. At least a 
dozen of the ladies offered their smelling-bottles, 
with the most amiable assiduity and concern. To 
prevent any disagreeable consequences, however, 
I hastened to acquaint the crowd that, in Great 
Britain, it is the usage to cuff and kick the 
whole royal family ; and that, in short, it is no 
more than the customary tribute of the subject 
to the prince. In proof of what I said, I took good 
care to give the saucy young scoundrel a touch of 
my own homage. The monikins, who know that 
different customs prevail in different nations, has 
tened to compliment the young scion of royalty 
in the same manner ; and both the cook and stew 
ard relieved their ennui by falling into the track 
of imitation. Bob could not stand the last appli 
cations; and he was about to beat a retreat, when 
the master of ceremonies appeared, to conduct him 
to the royal presence. 

The reader is not to be misled by the honors 
that were paid to the imaginary Crown Prince, 
and to suppose that the court of Leaphigh enter 
tained any peculiar respect for that of Great Bri 
tain. It was merely done on the principle that 
governed the conduct of our own learned sove 
reign, King James I., when he refused to see the 
amiable Pocahontas of Virginia, because she had 
degraded royalty by intermarrying with a subject. 

VOL. II. 5 


The respect was paid to the caste, and not to the 
individual, to his species, or to his nation. 

Let his privileges come from what cause they 
would, Bob was glad enough to get out of the pre 
sence of Captain Poke, who had already pretty 
plainly threatened, in the Stunnin'tun dialect, to 
unship his cauda, into that of the Majesty of Leap- 
high. A few minutes afterwards, the doors were 
thrown open, and the whole company advanced 
into the royal apartments. 

The etiquette of the court of Leaphigh differs, 
in many essential particulars, from the etiquette 
of any other court in the monikin region. Nei 
ther the King, nor his royal consort, is ever visi 
ble to any one in the country, so far as is vulgarly 
known. On the present occasion, two thrones 
were placed at opposite extremities of the saloon, 
and a magnificent, crimson, damask curtain was 
so closely drawn before each, that it was quite 
impossible to see who occupied it. On the lowest 
step there stood a chamberlain or a lady of the 
bed-chamber, who, severally, made all the speeches, 
and otherwise enacted the parts of the illustrious 
couple. The reader will understand, therefore, that 
all which is here attributed to either of these great 
personages, was in fact performed by one or the 
other of the substitutes named, and that I never 
had the honor of actually standing, face to face, 
with their Majesties. Every thing that is now 
about to be related, in short, was actually done by 
deputy, on the part of the monarch and his wife. 

The King himself merely represents a senti 
ment, all the power belonging to his eldest first- 
cousin of the masculine gender, and any inter 
course with him is entirely of a disinterested or 
of a sentimental character. He is the head of the 
church, after a very secular fashion, however; 
all the bishops and clergy therefore got down 


on their knees and said their prayers ; though the 
Captain suggested that it might be their cate 
chisms : I never knew which. I observed, also, 
that all his law officers did the same thing ; but as 
they never pray, and do not know their cate 
chisms, I presume the genuflections were to beg 
something better than the places they actually 
filled. After this, came a long train of military 
and naval officers, who, soldier-like, kissed his 
paw. The civilians next had a chance, and then 
it was our turn to be presented. 

" I have the honor to present the Lord High 
Admiral of Great Britain, to your Majesty," said 
Judge People's Friend, who had waived his official 
privilege of going first, in order to do us this favor 
in person ; it having been decided, on a review of 
all the principles that touched the case, that no 
thing human could take precedence of a monikin 
at court, always making the exception in favor of 
royalty, as in the case of Prince Bob. 

" I am happy to see you at my court, Admiral 
Poke," the King politely rejoined, manifesting the 
tact of high rank in recognizing Noah by his 
family name, to the great surprise of the old sealer. 

" King !" 

" You were about to remark ? " most gra 
ciously inquired his Majesty, a little at a loss to 
understand what his visiter would be at. 

" Why, I could not contain my astonishment at 
your memory, Mr. King, which has enabled you 
to recall a name that you probably never before 
heard !" 

There was now a great, and, to me, a very un 
accountable confusion in the circle. It would 
seem, that the Captain had unwittingly trespassed 
on two of the most important of the rules of eti 
quette, in very mortal points. He had confessed 
to the admission of an emotion as vulgar as that 


of astonishment in the royal presence, and he had 
intimated that his Majesty had a memory ; a pro 
perty of the mind which, as it might prove dan 
gerous to the liberties of Leaphigh, were it left in 
the keeping of any but a responsible minister, it 
had long been decided it was felony to impute to 
the King. By the fundamental law of the land, 
the King's eldest first-cousin of the masculine gen 
der may have as many memories as he please, 
and he may use them, or abuse them, as he shall 
see fit, both in private or in the public service ; but 
it is held to be utterly unconstitutional and un 
parliamentary, and, by consequence, extremely 
underbred, to insinuate, even in the most remote 
manner, that the King himself has either a memo 
ry, a will, a determination, a resolution, a desire, 
a conceit, an intention, or, in short, any other in 
tellectual property, that of a "royal pleasure" 
alone excepted. It is both constitutional Bnd 
parliamentary to say the King has a " royal plea 
sure," provided the context goes to prove that this 
"royal pleasure" is entirely at the disposition of 
his eldest first-cousin of the masculine gender. 

When Mr. Poke was made acquainted with his 
mistake, he discovered a proper contrition ; and 
the final decision of the affair was postponed, in 
order to have the opinion of the judges on the pro 
priety of taking bail, which I promptly offered to 
put in, in behalf of my old ship-mate. This disa 
greeable little interruption temporarily disposed of, 
the business of the drawing-room went on. 

Noah was next conducted to the Queen, who 
was much inclined (always by deputy) to overlook 
the little mistake into which he had fallen with 
her royal consort, and to receive him graciously. 

" May it please your Majesty, I have the honor 
to present to your Majesty's royal notice, the Lord 
Noah Poke, the Lord High Admiral of a distant 


and but little known country, called Great Bri 
tain," said the gold stick of the evening, Judge 
People's Friend being afraid of committing Leap- 
low, and declining to introduce the Captain to any 
one else. 

"Lord Poke is a countryman of our royal cou 
sin the Prince Bob !" observed the Queen, in an 
exceedingly gracious manner. 

" No marm," put in the sealer, promptly, " your 
cousin Bob is no cousin of mine ; and if it were 
lawful for your Majesty to have a memory, or an 
inclination, or any thing else in that way, I should 
beg the favor of you, to order the young black 
guard to be soundly threshed." 

The Majesty of Leaphigh stood aghast, by 
proxy! It would seem Noah had now actually 
fallen into a more serious error, than the mistake 
he had made with the King. By the law of Leap- 
high, the Queen is not a femme couverte. She 
can sue and be sued in her own name, holds her 
separate estate, without the intervention of trustees, 
and is supposed to have a memory, a will, an in 
clination, or any thing else in that way, except a 
" royal pleasure," to which she cannot, of right, 
lay claim. As to her, the King's first-cousin is 
a dead letter ; he having no more control over her 
conscience, than he has over the conscience of an 
apple-woman. In short, her Majesty is quite as 
much the mistress of her own convictions and con 
science, as it probably ever falls to the lot of wo 
men in such high stations to be the mistress of 
interests that are of so much importance to those 
around them. Noah, innocently enough, I do firm 
ly believe, had seriously wounded all those nice 
sensibilities which are naturally dependent on such 
an improved condition of society. Forbearance 
could go no farther, and I saw, by the dark looks 


around me, that the Captain had committed a 
serious crime. He was immediately arrested, and 
conducted from the presence to an adjoining room, 
into which I obtained admission, after a good deal 
of solicitation and some very strong appeals to 
the sacred character of the rights of hospitality. 

It now appeared, that in Leaphigh, the merits 
of a law are decided on a principle very similar 
to the one we employ in England in judging of the 
quality of our wines ; viz., its age. The older a 
law, the more it is to be respected, no doubt 
because, having proved its fitness by outlasting all 
the changes of society, it has become more mel 
low, if not more palatable. Now, by a law of 
Leaphigh, that is coeval with the monarchy, he 
who offends the Queen's Majesty at a levee, is to 
lose his head ; and he who, under the same cir 
cumstances, offends the King's Majesty, neces 
sarily the more heinous offence, is to lose his 
tail. In consequence of the former punishment, 
the criminal is invariably buried, and he is con 
signed to the usual course of monikin regenera 
tion and resuscitation ; but in consequence of the 
latter, it is thought that he is completely thrown 
without the pale of reason, and is thereby consigned 
to the class of the retrogressive animals. His mind 
diminishes, and his body increases ; the brain, for 
want of the means of development, takes the as 
cending movement of sap again; his forehead 
dilates ; bumps re-appear ; and, finally, after pass- 
Ing gradually downward in the -scale of intellect, 
he becomes a mass of insensible matter. Such, 
at least, is the theory of his punishment. 

By another law, that is even older than the mo 
narchy, any one who offends in the King's palace 
may be tried by a very summary process, the 
King's pages acting as his judges ; in which case, 
the sentence is to be executed without delay. 


Such was the dilemma to which Noah, by an 
indiscretion at court, was suddenly reduced ; and, 
but for my prompt interference, he would proba 
bly have been simultaneously decapitated at both 
extremities, in obedience to an etiquette which pre 
scribes that, under the circumstances of a court 
trial, neither the King's nor the Queen's rights shall 
be entitled to precedence. In defence of my client 
I urged his ignorance of the usages of the country, 
and, indeed, of all other civilized countries, Stun- 
nin'tun alone excepted. I stated that the criminal 
was an object altogether unworthy of their notice; 
that he was not a Lord High Admiral at all, but a 
mere pitiful sealer ; I laid some stress on the im 
portance of maintaining friendly relations with the 
sealers, who cruise so near the monikin region ; 
I tried to convince the judges that Noah meant no 
harm in imputing moral properties to the King, 
and that so long as he did not impute immoral pro 
perties to his royal consort, she might very well 
afford to pardon him. I then quoted Shakspeare's 
celebrated lines on mercy, which seemed to be 
well enough received, and committed the whole 
affair to their better judgment. 

I should have got along very creditably, and 
most probably obtained the immediate discharge 
of my friend, had not the Attorney-General of 
Leaphigh been drawn by curiosity into the room. 
Although he had nothing to say to the merits of 
my arguments, he objected to every one of them, 
on the ground of formality. This was too long, 
and that was too short ; one was too high, and 
another too low; a fifth was too broad, and a 
sixth too narrow ; in short, there was no figure of 
speech of this nature, to which he did not resort, 
in order to prove their worthlessness, with the 
exception that I do not remember he charged any 
of my reasons with being too deep. 


Matters were now beginning to look serious 
for poor Noah, when a page came skipping in, 
to say that the wedding was about to take place, 
and that if his comrades wished to witness it, they 
must sentence the prisoner without delay. Many 
a man, it is said, has been hanged, in order that 
the judge might dine ; but, in the present instance, 
I do believe Captain Poke was spared, in order 
that his judges might not miss a fine spectacle. I 
entered into recognizance, in fifty thousand pro 
mises, for the due appearance of the criminal on 
the following morning ; and we all returned, in a 
body, to the presence-chamber, treading on each 
other's tails, in the eagerness to be foremost. 

Any one who has ever been at a human court, 
must very well know that, while it is the easiest 
thing in the w r orld to throw it into commotion by 
a violation of etiquette, matters of mere life and 
death are not at all of a nature to disturb its tran 
quillity. There, everything is a matter of routine 
and propriety; and, to judge from experience, 
nothing is so unseemly as to appear to possess hu 
man sympathies. The fact is not very different at 
Leaphigh, for the monikin sympathies, apparently, 
are quite as obtuse as those of men ; although 
justice compels me to allow, that in the case of 
Captain Poke, the appeal was made in behalf of a 
creature of a different species. It is also a set 
tled principle of Leaphigh jurisprudence, that it 
would be monstrous for the King to interfere in 
behalf of justice, justice, however, being always 
administered in his name ; although it certainly is 
not held to be quite so improper for him to inter 
fere in behalf of those who have offended justice. 

As a consequence of these nice distinctions, 
which it requires a very advanced stage of civili 
zation fully to comprehend, both the King and 
Queen received our whole party, when we came 


back into the presence, exactly as if nothing par 
ticular had occurred. Noah wore both head and 
tail erect, like another; and the Lord High Admi 
ral of Leaphigh dropped into a familiar conversa 
tion with him, on the subject of ballasting ships, 
in just as friendly a manner as if he were on the 
best possible terms with the whole royal family. 
This moral sang froid is not to be ascribed to 
phlegm, but is, in fact, the result of high mental 
discipline, which causes the courtier to be utterly 
destitute of all feeling, except in cases that affect 

It was high time, now, that I should be present 
ed. Judge People's Friend, who had witnessed 
the dilemma of Noah with diplomatic unconcern, 
very politely renewed the offer of his services in 
my favor, and I went forward and stood before 
the throne. 

" Sire, allow me to present a very eminent lite 
rary character among men, a cunning clerk, by 
name Goldencalf," said the envoy, bowing to his 

" He is welcome to my court," returned the 
King by proxy. " Pray, Mr. People's Friend, is 
not this one of the human beings who have lately 
arrived in my dominions, and who have shown 
so much cleverness in getting Chatterino and his 
governor through the ice ?" 

" The very same, please your Majesty ; and a 
very arduous service it was, and right cleverly 

" This reminds me of a duty.- Let my cousin 
be summoned." 

I now began to see a ray of hope, and to feel 
the truth of the saying which teaches us that jus 
tice, though sometimes slow, never fails to arrive 
at last. I had also, now, and for the first time, a 
good view of the King's eldest first-cousin of the 


masculine gender, who drew near at the sum 
mons ; and, while he had the appearance of listen 
ing with the most profound attention to the in 
structions of the King of Leaphigh, was very evi 
dently telling that potentate what he ought to do. 
The conference ended, his Majesty's proxy spoke 
in a way to be heard by all who had the good 
fortune to be near the royal person. 

" Reasono did a good thing," he said ; " really, 
a very good thing, in bringing us these specimens 
of the human family. But for his cleverness, I 
might have died without ever dreaming that 
men were gifted with tails." (Kings never get 
hold of the truth at the right end.) " I wonder if the 
Queen knew it. Pray, did you know, my Augusta, 
that men had tails ?" 

" Our exemption from state affairs gives us fe 
males better opportunities than your Majesty en 
joys, to study these matters," returned his royal 
consort, by the mouth of her Lady of the Bed- 

"I dare say I'm very silly, but our cousin, 
here, thinks it might be well to do something for 
these good people, for it may encourage their 
King himself to visit us some day." 

An exclamation of pleasure escaped the ladies ; 
who declared, one and all, it would be delightful to 
see a real human King, it would be so funny ! 

" Well, well," added the good-natured monarch, 
"Heaven knows what may happen, for I have seen 
stranger things. Really, we ought to do some 
thing for these good people ; for, although we owe 
the pleasure of their visit, in a great degree, to the 
cleverness of Reasono, who, by the way, I'm 
glad to hear is declared an H. O. A. X., yet 
he very handsomely admits, that but for their ex 
ertions none of our seamikins being within reach 
it would have been quite impossible to get 


through the ice. 1 wish 1 knew, now, which was 
the cleverest and the most useful of their party." 

Here the Queen, always thinking and speaking 
by proxy, suggested the propriety of leaving the 
point to Prince Bob. 

" It would be no more than is due to his rank ; 
for though they are men, I dare say they have 
feelings like ourselves." 

The question was now submitted to Bob, who 
sat in judgment on us all, with as much gravity 
as if accustomed to such duties from infancy. It 
is said that men soon get to be familiar with eleva 
tion, and that, while he who has fallen never fails 
to look backward, he who has risen invariably 
limits his vision to the present horizon. Such 
proved to be the case with the princely Bob. 

" This person," observed the jack-a-napes, point 
ing to me, " is a very good sort of a person, it is 
true, but he is hardly the sort of person your Ma 
jesty wants just now. There is the Lord High 
Admiral, too, but " (Bob's but was envenomed 
by a thousand kicks !) " but you wish, sire, to 
know which of my father's subjects was the most 
useful in getting the ship to Leaphigh?" 

" That is precisely the fact I desire to know." 

Bob, hereupon, pointed to the cook; who, it will 
be remembered, was present as one of his train- 

" I believe I must say, sire, that this is the man. 
He fed us all; and without food, and that in consider 
able quantities, too, nothing could have been done." 

The little blackguard was rewarded for his im 
pudence, by exclamations of pleasure from all 
around him. " It was so clever a distinction," 
" it showed so much reflection," " it was so very 
profound," " it proved how much he regarded 
the base of -society,"- in short, " it was evident 
England would be a happy country, when he 


should be called to the throne !" In the mean 
time, the cook was required to come forth, and 
kneel before his Majesty. 

" What is your name ?" whispered the Lord of 
the Bed-Chamber, who now spoke for himself. 

" Jack Coppers, your honor." 

The Lord of the Bed-Chamber made a commu 
nication to his Majesty, when the sovereign turned 
round by proxy, with his back towards Jack, and, 
giving him the accolade with his tail, he bade him 
rise, as " Sir Jack Coppers." 

I was a silent, an admiring, an astounded wit 
ness of this act of gross and flagrant injustice. 
Some one pulled me aside, and then I recognized 
the voice of Brigadier Downright. 

"You think that honors have alighted where 
they are least due. You think that the saying of 
your Crown Prince has more smartness than truth, 
more malice than honesty. You think that the 
court has judged on false principles, and acted on 
an impulse rather than on reason ; that the King 
has consulted his own ease in affecting to do jus 
tice; that the courtiers have paid a homage to their 
master, in affecting to pay a homage to merit; and 
that nothing in this life is pure or free from the 
taint of falsehood, selfishness or vanity. Alas ! 
this is too much the case with us monikins, I must 
allow; though, doubtless, among men you manage 
a vast deal more cleverly." 


About the humility of professional saints, a succession of tails, 
a bride and bridegroom, and other heavenly matters, diplo 
macy included. 

PERCEIVING that Brigadier Downright had an 
observant mind, and that he was altogether supe- 


rior to the clannish feeling which is so apt to ren 
der a particular species inimical to all others, I 
asked permission to cultivate his acquaintance; 
begging, at the same time, that he would kindly 
favor me with such remarks as might be suggest 
ed by his superior wisdom and extensive travels, 
on any of those customs or opinions that would 
naturally present themselves in our actual situa 
tion. The Brigadier took the request in good part, 
and we began to promenade the rooms in compa 
ny. As the Archbishop of Aggregation, who was 
to perform the marriage ceremony, was shortly 
expected, the conversation very naturally turned 
on the general state of religion in the monikin 

I was delighted to find that the clerical dogmas 
of this insulated portion of the world were based 
on principles absolutely identical with those of all 
Christendom. The monikins believe that they are 
a miserable lost set of wretches, who are so de 
based by nature, so eaten up by envy, uncharita- 
bleness and all other evil passions, that it is quite 
impossible they can do anything that is good of 
themselves ; that their sole dependence is on the 
moral interference of the great superior power of 
creation; and that the very first, and the one need 
ful step of their own, is to cast themselves entirely 
on this power for support, in a proper spirit of 
dependence and humility. As collateral to, and 
consequent on this condition of the mind, they lay 
the utmost stress on a disregard of all the vanities 
of life, a proper subjection of the lusts of the flesh, 
and an abstaining from the pomp and vain-glory 
of ambition, riches, power and the faculties. In 
short, the one thing needful was humility hu 
mility humility. Once thoroughly humbled to a 
degree that put them above the danger of back- 

VOL. II. 6 


sliding, they obtained glimpses of security, and 
were gradually elevated to the hopes and the con 
dition of the just. 

The Brigadier was still eloquently discoursing 
on this interesting topic, when a distant door 
opened, and a gold stick, or some other sort of 
stick, announced the Right Reverend Father in 
God, his Grace the most eminent and most serene 
Prelate, the very puissant and thrice gracious and 
glorified saint, the Primate of all Leaphigh ! 

The reader will anticipate the eager curiosity 
with which I advanced to get a glimpse of a saint 
under a system as sublimated as that of the great 
monikin family. Civilization having made such 
progress as to strip all the people, even to the 
King and Queen, entirely of every thing in the 
shape of clothes, I did not well see under what 
new mantle of simplicity the heads of the church 
could take refuge ! Perhaps they shaved oft* all 
the hair from their bodies in sign of supereminent 
self-abasement, leaving themselves naked to the 
cuticle, that they might prove, by ocular evidence, 
what a poor ungainly set of wretches they really 
were, carnally considered ; or perhaps they went 
on all-fours to heaven, in sign of their unfitness to 
enter into the presence of the pure of mind, in an 
attitude more erect and confident. Well, these 
fancies of mine only w r ent to prove how erroneous 
and false are the conclusions of one whose capa 
city has not been amplified and concatenated by 
the ingenuities of a very refined civilization ! His 
Grace, the most gracious Father in God, wore a 
mantle of extraordinary fineness and beauty, the 
material of which was composed of every tenth 
hair taken from all the citizens of Leaphigh, who 
most cheerfully submitted to be shaved, in order 
that the wants of his most eminent humility might 
be decently supplied. The mantle, wove from such 


a warp and such a woof, was necessarily very 
large ; and it really appeared to me that the pre 
late did not very well know what to- do with so 
much of it, more especially as the contributions 
include a new robe annually. I was now desi 
rous of getting a sight of his tail ; for, knowing 
that the Leaphighers take great pride in the length 
and beauty of that appurtenance, I very naturally 
supposed that a saint w r ho wore so fine and glo 
rious a robe, by way of humility, must have 
recourse to some novel expedient to mortify him 
self on this sensitive subject, at least. I found that 
the ample proportions of the mantle concealed, 
not only the person, but most of the movements 
of the Archbishop ; and it was with many doubts 
of my success, that I led the Brigadier behind the 
episcopal train to reconnoitre. The result disap 
pointed expectation again. Instead of being des 
titute of a taii, or of concealing that with which 
Nature had supplied him beneath his mantle, the 
most gracious dignitary wore no less than six 
caudcBj viz. his own, and five others added to it, by 
some subtle process of clerical ingenuity that I 
shall not attempt to explain ; one " bent on to the 
other," as the Captain described them, in a subse 
quent conversation. This extraordinary train was 
allowed to sweep the floor; the only sign of humi 
lity, according to my uninstructed faculties, I could 
discern about the person and appearance of this 
illustrious model of clerical self-mortification and 

The Brigadier, however, was not tardy in set 
ting me right. In the first place, he gave me to 
understand that, the hierarchy of Leaphigh was 
illustrated by the order of their tails. Thus, a 
deacon wore one and a half; a curate, if a minister, 
one and three quarters, and a rector, two; a dean, 
two and a half; an archdeacon, three ; a bishop, 

64 THE MOtflKINS. 

four ; the Primate of Leaphigh, five, and the Pri 
mate of all Leaphigh, six. The origin of the cus 
tom, which was very ancient, and of course very 
much respected, was imputed to the doctrine of a 
saint of great celebrity, who had satisfactorily 
proved that as the tail was the intellectual, or the 
spiritual part of a monikin, the farther it was 
removed from the mass of matter, or the body, 
the more likely it was to be independent, consecu 
tive, logical and spiritualized. The idea had suc 
ceeded astonishingly at first; but time, which will 
wear out even a cauda, had given birth to schisms 
in the church on this interesting subject ; one party 
contending that two more joints ought to be added 
to the Archbishop's embellishment, by way of sus 
taining the church, and the other that two joints 
ought to be incontinently abstracted, in the way 
of reform. 

These explanations were interrupted by the ap 
pearance of the bride and bridegroom, at different 
doors. The charming Chatterissa advanced with 
a most prepossessing modesty, followed by a glo 
rious train of noble maidens, all keeping their eyes, 
by a rigid ordinance of hymeneal etiquette, drop 
ped to the level of the Queen's feet. On the other 
hand, my Lord Chatterino, attended by that cox 
comb Hightail, and others of his kidney, stepped 
towards the altar with a lofty confidence, which the 
same etiquette exacted of the bridegroom. The 
parties were no sooner in their places, than the 
prelate commenced. 

The marriage ceremony, according to the for 
mula of the established church of Leaphigh, is a 
very solemn and imposing ceremony. The bride 
groom is required to swear that he loves the bride 
and none but the bride; that he has made his 
choice solely on account of her merits, uninflu 
enced even by her beauty ; and that he will so far 


command his inclinations as, on no account* ever to 
love another a jot. The bride* on her part, calls 
heaven and earth to witness, that she will do just 
what the bridegroom shall ask of her ; that she will 
be his bondwoman, his slave, his solace and his 
delight ; that she is quite certain no other monikin 
could make her happy, but, on the other hand, she 
is absolutely sure that any other monikin would 
be certain to make her miserable. When these 
pledges, oaths and asseverations were duly made 
and recorded, the Archbishop caused the happy 
pair to be wreathed together, by encircling them 
with his episcopal tail, and they were then pro 
nounced monikin and monikina. I pass over the 
congratulations, which were quite in rule, to relate 
a short conversation I held with the Brigadier. 

" Sir," said I, addressing that person, as soon as 
the prelate said 'amen,' "how is this? I have 
seen a certificate, myself, which showed that 
there was a just admeasurement of the fitness of 
this union, on the score of other considerations 
than those mentioned in the ceremony !" 

u That certificate has no connexion with this 

" And yet this ceremony repudiates all the con 
siderations enumerated in the certificate !" 

" This ceremony has no connexion with that 

" So it would seem ; and yet both refer to the 
same solemn engagement !" 

" Why, to tell you the truth, Sir John Golden- 
calf, we monikins (for in these particulars Leaphigh 
is Leaplow) have two distinct governing princi 
ples in all that we say or do, which may be di 
vided into the theoretical and the practical moral 
and immoral would not be inapposite but, by the 
first we control all our interests, down as far as 


facts, when we immediately submit to the latter. 
There may possibly be something inconsistent in 
appearance in such an arrangement ; but then our 
most knowing ones say that it works well. No 
doubt among men, you get along without the em 
barrassment of so much contradiction." 

I now advanced to pay my respects to the 
Countess of Chatterino, who stood supported by 
the Countess-dowager, a lady of great dignity and 
elegance of demeanor. The moment I appeared, 
the elaborate air of modesty vanished from the 
charming countenance of the bride, in a look of 
natural pleasure ; and, turning to her new mother, 
she pointed me out as a man ! The courteous old 
dowager gave me a very kind reception, inquiring 
if I had enough good things to eat, whether I was 
not much astonished at the multitude of strange 
sights I beheld in Leaphigh, said I ought to be 
much obliged to her son for consenting to bring 
me over, and invited me to come and see her, 
some fine morning. 

I bowed my thanks, and then returned to join 
the Brigadier, with a view to seek an introduction 
to the Archbishop. Before I relate the particulars 
of my interview with that pious prelate, however, 
it may be well to say that this was the last I ever 
saw of any of the Chatterino set, as they retired 
from the presence immediately after the congratu 
lations were ended. I heard, however, previously 
to leaving the region, which was within a month 
of the marriage, that the noble pair kept separate 
establishments, on account of some disagreement 
about an incompatibility of temper or a young 
officer of the guards I never knew exactly which; 
but as the estates suited each other so well, there 
is little doubt that, on the whole, the match was 
as happy as could be expected. 


The Archbishop received me with a great deal 
of professional benevolence, the conversation drop 
ping very naturally into a comparison of the re 
spective religious systems of Great Britain and 
Leaphigh. He was delighted when he found we 
had an establishment; and I believe I was indebted 
to his knowledge of this fact, for his treating me 
more as an equal than he might otherwise nave 
done, considering the difference in species. I was 
much relieved by this ; for, at the commencement 
of the conversation, he had sounded me a little on 
doctrine, at which I am far from being expert, 
never having taken an interest in the church, and 
I thought he looked frowning at some of my 
answers ; but, when he heard that we really had 
a national religion, he seemed to think all safe, nor 
did he once, after that, inquire whether we were 
pagans or presbyterians. But when I told him we 
had actually a hierarchy, I thought the good old 
prelate would have shaken my hand off, and beati 
fied me on the spot ! 

" We shall meet in heaven some day !" he ex 
claimed, with holy delight ; " men or monikins, it 
can make no great difference, after all. We shall 
meet in heaven ; and that, too, in the upper man 
sions !" 

The reader will suppose that, an alien, and 
otherwise unknown, I was much elated by this 
distinction. To go to heaven in company with the 
Archbishop of Leaphigh was in itself no small 
favor ; but to be thus noticed by him at court was 
really enough to upset the philosophy of a stranger. 
I was sorely afraid, all the while, he would descend 
to particulars, and that he might have found some 
essential points of difference to nip his new-born 
admiration. Had he asked me, for instance, how 
many caudce our bishops wear, I should have been 


badgered ; for, as near as I could recollect, their 
personal illustration was of another character. 
The venerable prelate, however, soon gave me 
his blessing, pressed me warmly to come to his 
palace before I sailed, promised to send some 
tracts by me to England, and then hurried away, 
as he said/to sign a sentence of excommunication 
against an unruly presbyter, who had much dis 
turbed the harmony of the church, of late, by an 
attempt to introduce a schism that he called 
" piety." 

The Brigadier and myself discussed the subject 
of religion at some length, when the illustrious 
prelate had taken his leave. I was told that the 
monikin world was pretty, nearly equally divided 
into two parts, the old and the new. The latter 
had remained uninhabited, until within a few gene 
rations, when certain monikins, who were too 
good to live in the old world, emigrated in a 
body, and set up for themselves in the new. This, 
the Brigadier admitted, was the Leaplow account 
of the matter; the inhabitants of the old countries, 
on the other hand, invariably maintaining that they 
had peopled the new countries by sending all those 
of their own communities there, who were not fit to 
stay at home. This little obscurity in the history 
of the new world, he considers of no great moment, 
as such trifling discrepancies must always depend 
on the character of the historian. Leaphigh was 
by no means the only country in the elder monikin 
region. There were among others, for instance, 
Leapup and Leapdown ; Leapover and Leap- 
through; Leaplong and Leapshort; Leapround 
and Leapunder. Each of these countries had a 
religious establishment, though Leaplow, being 
founded on a new social principle, had none. The 
Brigadier thought, himself, on the whole, that the 


chief consequences of the two systems were, that 
the countries which had establishments had a great 
reputation . for possessing religion, and those that 
had no establishments were well enough off in the 
article itself, though but indifferently supplied on 
the score of reputation. 

I inquired of the Brigadier if he did not think an 
establishment had the beneficial effect of sustain 
ing truth, by suppressing heresies, limiting and cur 
tailing prurient theological fancies, and otherwise 
setting limits to innovations. My friend did not 
absolutely agree with me in all these particulars ; 
though he very frankly allowed that it had the effect 
of keeping two truths from falling out, by separating 
them. Thus, Leapup maintained one set of reli 
gious dogmas under its establishment, and Leap- 
down maintained their converse. By keeping 
these truths apart, no doubt, religious harmony 
was promoted, and the several ministers of the 
gospel were enabled to turn all their attention to 
the sins of the community, instead of allowing it 
to be diverted to the sins of each other, as was 
very apt to be the case when there was an anta 
gonist interest to oppose. 

Shortly after, tKe King and Queen gave us all 
our conges. Noah and myself got through the 
crowd without injury to our trains, and we sepa 
rated in the court of the palace ; he to go to his 
bed and dream of his trial on the morrow, and I 
to go home with Judge People's Friend and the 
Brigadier, who had invited me to finish the even 
ing with a supper. I was left chatting with the 
last, while the first went into his closet to indite a 
dispatch to his government, relating to the events 
of the evening. 

The Brigadier was rather caustic in his com- 


ments on the incidents of the drawing-room. A 
republican himself, he certainly did love to give 
royalty and nobility some occasional rubs ; though 
I must do this worthy, upright monikin the justice 
to say, he was quite superior to that vulgar hostili 
ty which is apt to distinguish many of his caste, 
and which is founded on a principle as simple as 
the fact that they cannot be kings and nobles 

While we were chatting very pleasantly, quite 
at our ease, and in undress, as it were, the Briga 
dier in his bob, and I with my tail laid aside, Judge 
People's Friend rejoined us, with his dispatch open 
in his hand. He read aloud what he had written, 
to my great astonishment, for I had been accus 
tomed to think diplomatic communications sacred. 
But the Judge observed, that in this case it was 
useless to affect secresy, for two very good rea 
sons ; firstly, because he had been obliged to employ 
a common Leaphigh scrivener to copy what he had 
written, his government depending on a noble 
republican economy, which taught it that, if it 
did get into difficulties by the betrayal of its cor 
respondence, it would still have the money that a 
clerk would cost, to help it out of the embarrass 
ment ; and, secondly, because he knew the govern 
ment itself would print it, as soon as it arrived. For 
his part, he liked to have the publishing of his own 
works. Under these circumstances, I was even 
allowed to take a copy of the letter, of which I 
now furnish a fac-simile. 


The undersigned, Envoy Extraordinary and Minister Pleni 
potentiary of the North- Western Leaplow Confederate Union, 
has the honor to inform the Secretary of State, that our inte- 
reits in this portion of Iho oarth arc, in general, on the best 


possible footing ; our national character is getting every day 
to be more and more elevated ; our rights are more and more 
respected, and our flag is more and more whitening every 
sea. After this flattering and honorable account of the state 
of our general concerns, I hasten to communicate the follow 
ing interesting particulars. 

The treaty between our beloved North- Western Confederate 
Union and Leaphigh, has been dishonored in every one of its 
articles ; nineteen Leaplow seamen have been forcibly im 
pressed into a Leapthrough vessel of war ; the King of Leap- 
up has made an unequivocal demonstration with a very im 
proper part of his person, at us ; and the King of Leapover 
has caused seven of our ships to be seized and sold, and the 
money to be given to his mistress. 

Sir, I congratulate you on this very flattering condition of 
our foreign relations ; which can only be imputed to the glo 
rious constitution of which we are the common servants, and 
to the just dread which the Leaplow name has so universally 
inspired in other nations. 

The King has just had a drawing-room, in which I took 
great care to see that the honor of our beloved country should 
be faithfully attended to. My cauda was at least three inches 
longer than that of the representative of Leapup, the Minis 
ter most favored by Nature in this important particular ; and 
I have the pleasure of adding, that her Majesty the Queen 
deigned to give me a very gracious smile. Of the sincerity 
of that smile there can be no earthly doubt, sir ; for, though 
there is abundant evidence that she did apply certain un 
seemly words to our beloved country, lately, it would quite 
exceed the rules of diplomatic courtesy, arid be unsustained 
by proof, were we to call in question her royal sincerity on 
this public occasion. Indeed, sir, at all the recent drawing- 
rooms I have received smiles of the most sincere and encou 
raging character, not only from the King, but from all his 
ministers, his first-cousin in particular ; and I trust they will 


have the most beneficial effects on the questions at issue be 
tween the Kingdom of Leaphigh and our beloved country. 
If they would now only do us justice in the very important 
affair of the long-standing and long-neglected redress, which 
we have been seeking in vain at their hands, for the last 
seventy-two years, I should say that our relations were on 
the best possible footing. 

Sir, I congratulate you on the profound respect with which 
the Leaplow name is. treated, in the most distant quarters of 
the earth, and on the benign influence this fortunate circum 
stance is likely to exercise on all our important interests. 

I see but little probability of effecting the object of my 
special mission, but the utmost credit is to be attached to the 
sincerity of the smiles of the King and Queen, and of all 
the royal family. 

In a late conversation with his Majesty, he inquired in the 
kindest manner after the health of the Great Sachem, [this 
is the title of the head of the Leaplow government,] and 
observed that our growth and prosperity put all other nations to 
shame ; and that we might, on all occasions, depend on his 
most profound respect and perpetual friendship. In short, sir, 
all nations, far and near, desire our alliance, are anxious to 
open new sources of commerce, and entertain for us the pro- 
foundest respect, and the most inviolable esteem. You can 
tell the Great Sachem that this feeling is surprisingly aug 
mented under his administration, and that it has at least quad 
rupled during my mission. If Leaphigh would only respect 
its treaties, Leapthrough would cease taking our seamen, 
Lea pup have greater deference for the usages of good society, 
and the King of Leapover would seize no more of our ships 
to supply his mistress with pocket-money, our foreign rela 
tions might be considered to be without spot. As it is, sir, they 
are far better off than I could have expected, or indeed, had 
ever hoped to see them ; and of one thing you may be diplo 
matically certain, that we are universally respected, and that 


the Leaplow name is never mentioned without all in compa 
ny rising and waving their caudce. 


Hon. , &c 

P. S. [Private.] 

DEAR SIR, If you publish this dispatch, omit the part 
where the difficulties are repeated. I beg you will see that 
my name is put in with those of the other patriots, against 
the periodical rotation of the little wheel ; as I shall certainly 
be obliged to return home soon, having consumed all my 
means. Indeed, the expense of maintaining a tail, of which 
our people have no notion, is so very great, that I think none 
of our missions should exceed a week in duration. 

I would especially advise that the message should dilate 
on .the subject of the high standing of the Leaplow character, 
in foreign nations ; for, to be frank with you, facts require 
that this statement should be made as often as possible. 

When this letter was read, the conversation re 
verted to religion. The Brigadier explained that 
the law of Leaphigh had various peculiarities on 
this subject, that I do not remember to have heard 
of before. Thus, a monikin could not be born, 
without paying something to the church, a prac 
tice which early initiated him into his- duties to 
wards that important branch of the public welfare; 
and, even when he died, he left a fee behind him, 
for the parson, as an admonition to those who still 
existed in the flesh, not to forget their obligations. 
He added that this sacred interest was, in short, so 
rigidly protected, that, whenever a monikin refused 
to be plucked for a new clerical or episcopal man 
tle, there was a method of fleecing him, by the 
application of red-hot iron rods, which generally 
singed so much of his skin, that, he was commonly 
willing, in the end, to let the hair-proctors pick and 
choose, at pleasure. 

VOL. II. 7 


I confess I was indignant at this picture, and did 
not hesitate to stigmatize the practice as barbarous. 

" Your indignation is very natural, Sir John, and 
is just what a stranger would be likely to feel, 
when he found mercy, and charity, and brotherly 
love, and virtue, and, above all, humility, made the 
stalking-horses of pride, selfishness, and avarice. 
But this is the way with us monikins ; no doubt, 
men manage better." 


A very common case or a great deal of law, and very little 
justice. Heads and tails with the dangers of each. 

I WAS early with Noah on the following morning. 
The poor fellow, when it is remembered that he 
was about to be tried for a capital offence, in a 
foreign country, under novel institutions, and before 
a jury of a different species, manifested a surpris 
ing degree of fortitude. Still, the love of life was 
strong within him, as was apparent by the way in 
which he opened the discourse. 

" Did you observe how the wind was, this morn 
ing, Sir John, as you came in ?" the straight-forward 
sealer inquired, with a peculiar interest. 

" It is a pleasant gale from the southward." 

" Right off shore ! If one knew where all them 
blackguards of Rear Admirals and Post Captains 
were to be found I don't think, Sir John, that you 
would care much about paying those fifty thousand 
promises ?" 

"My recognizes? Not in the least, my dear 
friend, were it not for our honor. It would scarce 
ly be creditable for the Walrus to sail, however, 

' - -;^'" - 


leaving an unsettled account of her Captain's be- 
nind us. What would they say at Stunnin'tun 
what would your own consort think of an act so 
unmanly ?" 

" Why, at Stunnin'tun, we think him the smart 
est who gets the easiest out of any difficulty ; and 
1 do n't well see why Miss Poke should know it, 
or, if she did, why she should think the worse of 
her husband, for saving his life." 

" Away with these unworthy thoughts, and brace 
yourself to meet the trial. We shall, at least, get 
some insight into the Leaphigh jurisprudence. 
Come, I see you are already dressed for the occa 
sion ; let us be as prompt as duellists." 

Noah made up his mind to submit with dignity ; 
although he lingered in the great square, in order 
to study the clouds, in a way to show he might 
have settled the whole affair with the fore-topsail, 
had he known where to find his crew. Fortunately 
for the reputations of all concerned, however, he 
did not ; and, discarding everything like apprehen 
sion from his countenance, the sturdy mariner enter 
ed the Old Bailey with the tread of a man, and the 
firmness of innocence. I ought to have said sooner, 
that we had received notice early in the morning, 
that the proceedings had been taken from before 
the pages, on appeal, and that a new venue had been 
laid in the High Criminal Court of Leaphigh. 

Brigadier Downright met us at the door ; where 
also a dozen, grave, greasy-looking counsellors ga 
thered about us, in a way to show that they were 
ready to volunteer in behalf of the stranger, on 
receiving no more than the customary fee. But I 
had determined to defend Noah myself, (the court 
consenting,) for I had forebodings that our safety 
would depend more on an appeal to the rights of 
hospitality, than on any legal defence it was in our 


power to offer. As the Brigadier kindly volunteered 
to aid me for nothing, I thought proper not to re 
fuse his services, however. 

I pass over the appearance of the court, the em- 
pannelling of the jury, and the arraignment; for, in 
matters of mere legal forms, there is no great 
difference between civilized countries, all of them 
wearing the same semblance of justice. The first 
indictment, for unhappily there were two, charged 
Noah with having committed an assault, with malice 
prepense, on the King's dignity, with " sticks, dag 
gers, muskets, blunderbusses, air-guns, and other 
unlawful weapons, more especially with the tongue, 
in that he had accused his Majesty, face to face, 
with having a memory, &c. &c." The other indict 
ment, repeating the formula of the first, charged the 
honest sealer with feloniously accusing her Majes 
ty the Queen, "in defiance of the law, to the injury 
of good morals and the peace of society, with 
having no memory, &c. &c." To both these charges, 
the plea of " Not Guilty," was entered as fast as 
possible, in behalf of our client. 

I ought to have said before, that both Brigadier 
Downright and myself had applied to be admitted 
of counsel for the accused, under an ancient law 
of Leaphigh, as next of kin ; I as a fellow human 
being, and the Brigadier by adoption. 

The preliminary forms observed, the Attorney- 
General was about to go into proof, in behalf of 
the crown, when my brother Downright arose and 
said that he intended to save the precious time of 
the court, by admitting the facts ; and that it was 
intended to rest the defence altogether on the law 
of the case. He presumed that the jury was the 
judge of the law as well as of the facts, according 
to the rule of Leaplow, and that " he and his bro 
ther Goldencalf were quite prepared to show that 


the law was altogether with us, in this affair." 
The court received the admission, and the facts 
were submitted to the jury, by consent, as proven; 
although the Chief-Justice took occasion to remark, 
Longbeard dissenting, that, while the jury were 
certainly judges of the law, in one sense, yet there 
was another sense in which they were not judges 
of the law. The dissent of Baron Longbeard went 
to maintain that while the jury were the judges of 
the law in the " another sense" mentioned, they 
were not judges of the law in the "one sense" 
named. This difficulty disposed of, Mr. Attorney- 
General arose and opened for the crown. 

I soon found that we had one of a very compre 
hensive and philosophical turn of mind against us, 
in the advocate of. the other side. He commenced 
his argument by a vigorous and lucid sketch of the 
condition of the world previously to the subdivi 
sions of its different inhabitants into nations, and 
tribes, and clans, while in the human or chrysalis 
condition. From this statement, he deduced the 
regular gradations by which men became sepa 
rated into communities, and subjected to the laws 
of civilization, or what is called society. Having 
proceeded thus far, he touched lightly on the dif 
ferent phases that the institutions of men had pre 
sented, and descended gradually and consecutively 
to the fundamental principles of the social com 
pact, as they were known to exist among monikins. 
After a few general observations that properly be 
longed to the subject, he came to speak of those 
portions of the elementary principles of society 
that are connected with the rights of the sovereign. 
These he divided into the rights of the King's pre 
rogative, the rights of the King's person, and the 
rights of the King's conscience. Here he again 
generalized a little, and in a very happy manner ; 


so well, indeed, as to leave all his hearers in doubt 
as to what he would next be at ; when, by a fierce 
logical swoop, he descended suddenly on the latter 
of the King's rights, as the one that was most 
connected with the subject. 

He triumphantly showed that the branch of the 
royal immunities that was chiefly affected by the 
offence of the prisoner at the bar, was very clearly 
connected with the rights of the King's conscience. 
" The attributes of royalty," observed the sagacious 
advocate, " are not to be estimated in the same man 
ner as the attributes of the subject. In the sacred 
person of the King are centred many, if not most, 
of the interesting privileges of monikinism. That 
royal personage, in a political sense, can do no 
wrong; official infallibility is the consequence. Such 
a being has no occasion for the ordinary faculties 
of the monikin condition. Of what use, for instance, 
is a judgment, or a conscience, to a functionary 
who can do no wrong? The law, in order to relieve 
one on whose shoulders was imposed the burthen 
of the state, had, consequently, placed the latter 
especially in the keeping of another. His Majesty's 
first-cousin is the keeper of his conscience, as 
is known throughout the realm of Leaphigh. A 
memory is the faculty of the least account to a 
personage who has no conscience; and, while it 
is not contended that the sovereign is relieved 
from the possession of his memory by any positive 
statute law, or direct constitutional provision, it 
follows, by unavoidable implication, and by all 
legitimate construction, that, having no occasion 
to possess such a faculty, it is the legal presump 
tion he is altogether without it." 

" That simplicity, lucidity and distinctness, my 
Lords," continued Mr. Attorney-General, " which 
ar necessary to every well-ordered mind, would 


be impaired, in the case of his Majesty, were his 
intellectual faculties unnecessarily crowded in this 
useless manner, and the state would be the sufferer. 
My Lords, the King reigns, but he does not govern* 
This is a fundamental principle of the constitution ; 
nay, it is more it is the palladium of our liberties! 
My Lords, it is an easy matter to reign in Leap- 
high. It requires no more than the rights of pri 
mogeniture, sufficient discretion to understand the 
distinction between reigning and governing, and a 
political moderation that is unlikely to derange the 
balance of the state. But it is quite a different thing 
to govern. His Majesty is required to govern no 
thing, the slight interests just mentioned excepted ; 
no, not even himself. The case is far otherwise 
with his first cousin. This high functionary is 
charged with the important trust of governing. It 
had been found, in the early ages of the monarchy, 
that one conscience, or indeed one set of faculties 
generally, scarcely sufficed for him whose duty it 
was both to reign and to govern. We all know, 
my Lords, how insufficient for our personal ob 
jects are our own private faculties ; how difficult 
we find it to restrain even ourselves, assisted merely 
by our own judgments, consciences and memories; 
and in this fact, do we perceive the great import 
ance of investing him who governs others, with an 
additional set of these grave faculties. Under a 
due impression of the exigency of such a state of 
things, the common law not statute law, my 
Lords, which is apt to be tainted with the imperfec 
tions of monikin reason in its isolated or individual 
state, usually bearing the impress of the single cauda 
from which it emanated; but the common law, the 
known receptacle of all the common sense of the 
nation in such a state of things, then, has the 
common law long since decreed that his Majesty's 



first-cousin should be the keeper of his Majesty's 
conscience; and, by necessary legal implication, 
endowed with his Majesty's judgment, his Majes 
ty's reason, and, finally, his Majesty's memory. 

" My Lords, this is the legal presumption. It 
would, in addition, be easy for me to show, in a 
thousand facts, that not only the sovereign of Leap- 
high, but most other sovereigns, are and ever have 
been, destitute of the faculty of a memory. It might 
be said to be incompatible with the royal condition 
to be possessed of this obtrusive faculty. Were a 
prince endowed with a memory, he might lose 
sight of his high estate, in the recollection that he 
was born, and that he is destined, like another, to 
die ; he might be troubled with visions of the past ; 
nay, the consciousness of his very dignity might be 
unsettled and weakened by a vivid view of the ori 
gin of his royal race. Promises, obligations, attach 
ments, duties, principles, and even debts, might 
interfere with the due discharge of his sacred 
trusts, were the sovereign invested with a memory; 
and it has, therefore, been decided, from time im 
memorial, that his Majesty is utterly without the 
properties of reason, judgment, and memory, as a 
legitimate inference from his being destitute of a 

Mr. Attorney-General now directed the attention 
of the court and jury to a statute of the 3d of First 
born 6th, by which it was enacted that any person 
attributing to his Majesty the possession of any 
faculty, with felonious intent, that might endanger 
the tranquillity of the state, should suffer decaudisa- 
tion, without benefit of clergy. Here he rested the 
case on behalf of the crown. 

There was a solemn pause, after the speaker had 
resumed his seat. His argument, logic, and above 
all his good sense and undeniable law, made a very 


sensible impression ; and I had occasion to observe 
that Noah began to chew tobacco ravenously. 
After a decent interval, however, Brigadier Down 
right, who, it would seem, in spite of his military 
appellation, was neither more nor less than a prac 
tising attorney and counsellor in the city of Bivouac, 
the commercial capital of the republic of Leaplow, 
arose and claimed a right to be heard in reply. The 
court now took it into its head to start the objec 
tion, for the first time, that the advocate had not 
been duly qualified to plead, or to argue, at their 
bar. My brother Downright instantly referred 
their Lordships to the law of adoption, and to that 
provision of the criminal code which permitted the 
accused to be heard by his next of kin. 

" Prisoner at the bar," said the Chief-Justice, 
"you hear the statement of counsel. Is it your 
desire to commit the management of your defence 
to your next of kin ?" 

" To anybody, your honors, if the court please," 
returned Noah,' furiously masticating his beloved 
weed; "to anybody who will do it w r ell, my honor- 
ables, and do it cheap." 

" And do you adopt, under the provisions of the 
statute in such cases made and provided, Aaron 
Downright as one of your next of kin, and if so, in 
what capacity?" 

I do I do my Lords and your honors I do, 
body and soul if you please, I adopt the Brigadier 
as my father; and my fellow human being, and tried 
friend, Sir John Goldencalf, here, I adopt him as 
my mother." 

The court now formally assenting, the facts were 
entered of record, and my brother Downright was 
requested to proceed with the defence. 

The counsel for the prisoner, like Dandin, in Ra 
cine's comedy of les Plaideurs, was disposed to pass 


over the deluge, and to plunge instantly into the core 
of his subject. He commenced with a review of the 
royal prerogatives, and with a definition of the words 
" to reign." Referring to the dictionary of the acade 
my, he showed triumphantly, that to reign, was no 
other than to "govern as a sovereign;" while to 
govern, in the familiar signification, was no more 
than to govern in the name of a prince, or as a de 
puty. Having successfully established this point, he 
laid down the position, that the greater might con 
tain the less, but that the less could not possibly 
contain the greater. That the right to reign, or to 
govern, in the generic signification of the term, 
must include all the lawful attributes of him who 
only governed, in the secondary signification ; and 
that, consequently, the King not only reigned, but 
governed. He then proceeded to show that a mem 
ory was indispensable to him who governed, since, 
without one, he could neither recollect the laws, 
make a suitable disposition of rewards and punish 
ments, nor, in fact, do any other intelligent or ne 
cessary act Again, it was contended that by the 
law of the land the King's conscience was in the 
keeping of his first-cousin ; now, in order that the 
King's conscience should be in such keeping, it was 
clear that he must have a conscience, since a non 
entity could not be in keeping, or even put in com 
mission ; and, having a conscience, it followed, ex 
necessitate rei, that he must have the attributes of 
a conscience, of which memory formed one of the 
most essential features. Conscience was defined to 
be " the faculty by which we judge of the good 
ness or wickedness of our own actions." [See 
Johnson's Dictionary, page 163., letter C. London 
edition. Rivington, publisher.] Now, in what man 
ner can one judge of the goodness or wickedness 
of his acts, or of those of any other person, if he 


knows nothing about them? and how can he know 
anything of the past, unless endowed with the 
faculty of a memory ? 

Again ; it was a political corollary from the in 
stitutions of Leaphigh, that the King could do no 

" I beg your pardon, my brother Downright," 
interrupted the Chief Justice, " it is not a corollary, 
but a proposition and one, too, that is held to be 
demonstrated. It is the paramount law of the land." 

" I thank you, my Lord," continued the Briga 
dier, " as your Lordship's high authority makes my 
case so much the stronger. It is, then, settled law, 
gentlemonikins of the jury, that the Sovereign of 
this realm can do no wrong. It is also settled law, 
their Lordships will correct me, if I misstate, 
it is also settled law, that the Sovereign is the foun 
tain of honor, that he can make war and peace, 
that he administers justice, sees the laws exe 
cuted " 

" I beg your pardon, again, brother Downright," 
interrupted the Chief Justice. " This is not the law, 
but the prerogative. It is the King's prerogative 
to be and do all this, but it is very far from being 

"Am I to understand, my Lord, that the court 
makes a distinction between that which is preroga 
tive, and that which is law ?" 

" Beyond a doubt, brother Downright ! If all that 
is prerogative, was also law, we could not get on 
an hour." 

" Prerogative, if your Lordship pleases, or pre- 
rogativa, is defined to be * an exclusive or peculiar 
privilege.' [Johnson. Letter P. page 139., fifth 
clause from bottom. Edition as aforesaid. Speak 
ing slow, in order to enable Baron Longbeard to 
make his notes.] Now, an exclusive privilege, I 


humblv urge, must supersede all enactments, 

" Not at all, sir not at all, sir," put in my Lord 
Chief Justice, dogmatically, looking out of the 
window at the clouds, in a way to show that his 
mind was quite made up. " Not at all, good sir. 
The King has his prerogatives, beyond a question ; 
and they are sacred; a part of the constitution. 
They are, moreover, exclusive and peculiar, as 
stated by Johnson ; but their exclusion and pecu 
liarity are not to be construed in the vulgar ac 
ceptations. In treating of the vast interests of a 
state, the mind must take a wide range ; and I hold, 
brother Longbeard, there is no principle more set 
tled than the fact, that prerogativa is one thing, and 
lex, or the law, another." The Baron bowed as 
sent. " By exclusion, in this case, is meant that 
the prerogative touches only his Majesty. The 
prerogative is exclusively his property, and he 
may do what he pleases with it ; but the law is 
made for the nation, and is altogether a different 
matter. Again : by peculiar, is clearly meant pe 
culiarity, or that this case is analogous to no other, 
and must be reasoned on by the aid of a peculiar 
logic. No, sir, the King can make peace and 
war, it is true, under his prerogative ; but then his 
conscience is hard and fast in the keeping of an 
other, who alone can perform all legal acts." 

" But, my Lord, justice, though administered by 
others, is still administered in the King's name." 

" No doubt, in his name : this is a part of the 
peculiar privilege. War is made in his Majesty's 
name, too, so is peace. What is war ? It is the 
personal conflicts between bodies of men of differ 
ent nations. Does his Majesty engage in these con 
flicts ? Certainly not. The war is maintained by 
taxes : does his Majesty pay them ? No. Thus 


we see that while the war is constitutionally the 
King's, it is practically the people's. It follows, as 
a corollary, since you quote corollaries, brother 
Downright, that there are two wars or the war 
of the prerogative, and the war of the fact. Now, 
the prerogative is a constitutional principle a very 
sacred one, certainly ; but a fact is a thing that 
comes home to every monikin's fire-side; and, there 
fore, the courts have decided, ever since the reign 
of Timid II., or ever since they dared, that the pre 
rogative was one thing, and the law another." 

My brother Downright seemed a good deal per 
plexed by the distinctions of the court, and he con 
cluded much sooner than he otherwise would have 
done ; summing up the whole of his arguments, by 
showing, or attempting to show, that if the King 
had even these peculiar privileges, and nothing 
else, that he must be supposed to have a memory. 

The court now called upon the Attorney-Gene 
ral to reply ; but that person appeared to think his 
case strong enough as it was ; and the matter, by 
agreement, was submitted to the jury % after a short 
charge from the bench. 

" You are not to suffer your intellects to be con 
fused, gentlemonikins, by the argument of the pri 
soner's counsel," concluded the Chief Justice. " He 
has done his duty, and it remains for you to be 
equally conscientious. You are, in this case, the 
judges of the law and the fact ; but it is a part 
of my functions to inform you what they both are. 
By the law, the King is supposed to have no facul 
ties. The inference drawn by counsel, that not 
being capable of erring, the King must have the 
highest possible moral attributes, and consequently 
a memory, is unsound. The constitution says his 
Majesty can do no wrong. This inability may pro 
ceed from a variety of causes. If he can do nothing, 

VOL. II. 8 


for instance, he can do no wrong. The constitution 
does not say that the Sovereign will do no wrong 
but, that he can do no wrong. Now, gentlemoni- 
kins, when a thing cannot be done, it becomes im 
possible ; and it is, of course, beyond the reach of 
argument. It is of no moment whether a person 
has a memory, if he cannot use it, and, in such a 
case, the legal presumption is, that he is without a 
memory ; for, otherwise, Nature, who is ever wise 
and beneficent, would be throwing away her gifts. 

" Gentlemonikins, I have already said you are 
the judges, in this case, of both the law and the 
fact. The fate of the prisoner is in your hands. 
God forbid that it should be, in any manner, influ 
enced by me ; but this is an offence against the 
King's dignity, and the security of the realm ; the 
law is against the prisoner, the facts are all 
against the prisoner, and I do not doubt that your 
verdict will be the spontaneous decision of your 
own excellent judgments, and of such a nature as 
will prevent the necessity of our ordering a new 

The jurors put their tails together, and in less 
than a minute, their foremonikin rendered a ver 
dict of guilty. Noah sighed, and took a fresh sup 
ply of tobacco. 

The case of the Queen was immediately opened 
by her Majesty's Attorney-General; the prisoner 
having been previously arraigned, and a plea en 
tered of not guilty. 

The Queen's advocate made a bitter attack on 
the animus of the unfortunate prisoner. He de 
scribed her Majesty as a paragon of excellencies ; 
as the depository of all the monikina virtues, and 
the model of her sex. " If she, who was so justly- 
celebrated for the gifts of charity, meekness, reli 
gion, justice, and submission to feminine duties, had 


no memory, he asked leave to demand, in the name 
of God, who had ? Without a memory, in what 
manner was this illustrious personage to recall her 
duties to her royal consort, her duties to her royal 
offspring, her duties to her royal self? Memory 
was peculiarly a royal attribute ; and without its pos 
session no one could properly be deemed of high and 
ancient lineage. Memory referred to the past, and the 
consideration due to royalty was scarcely ever a 
present consideration, but a consideration connected 
with the past. We venerated the past. Time was 
divided into the past, present and future. The past 
was invariably a monarchical interest the present 
was claimed by republicans the future belonged 
to fate. If it were decided that the Queen had no 
memory, we should strike a blow at royalty. It 
was by memory, as connected with the public ar 
chives, that the King derived his title to his throne; 
it was to memory, which recalled the deeds of his 
ancestors, that he became entitled to our most pro 
found respect." 

In this manner did the Queen's Attorney-General 
speak for about an hour, when he gave way to the 
counsel for the prisoner. But, to my great surprise, 
for I knew that this accusation was much the 
.gravest of the two, since the head of Noah would 
be the price of conviction, my brother Downright, 
instead of making a very ingenious reply, as I had 
fully anticipated, merely said a few words, in which 
he expressed so firm a confidence in the acquittal 
of his client, as to appear to think a further defence 
altogether unnecessary. He had no sooner seated 
himself, than I expressed a strong dissatisfaction 
with this course, and avowed an intention to make 
an effort in behalf of my poor friend, myself. 

" Keep silence, Sir John," whispered my brother 
Downright ; " the advocate who makes many un- 


successful applications gets to be disrespected. I 
charge myself with the care of the Lord High Ad 
miral's interests ; at the proper time, they shall be 
duly attended to." 

Having the profoundest respect for the Briga 
dier's legal attainments, and no great confidence 
in my own, I was fain to submit. In the mean time, 
the business of the court proceeded ; and the jury, 
having received a short charge from the bench, 
which w r as quite as impartial as a positive injunc 
tion to convict could very well be, again rendered 
the verdict of " Guilty." 

In Leaphigh, although it is deemed indecent to 
wear clothes, it is also esteemed exceedingly deco 
rous for certain high functionaries to adorn their 
persons with suitable badges of their official rank. 
We have already had an account of the hierarchy 
of tails, and a general description of the mantle 
composed of tenth-hairs ; but I had forgotten to say 
that both my Lord Chief-Justice and Baron Long- 
beard had tail-cases made of the skins of deceased 
monikins, which gave the appearance of greater 
development to their intellectual organs, and most 
probably had some influence in the way of coddling 
their brains, which required great care and atten 
tion on account of incessant use. They now drew 
over these tail-cases a sort of box-coat of a very 
bloodthirsty color, which, we were given to under 
stand, was a sign that they were in earnest, and 
about to pronounce sentence ; justice in Leaphigh 
being of singularly bloodthirsty habits. 

" Prisoner at the bar," the Chief-Justice began, 
in a voice of reproof, "you have heard the decision 
of your peers. You have been arraigned and tried 
on the heinous charge of having accused the sove 
reign of this realm of being in possession of the 
faculty called " a memory," thereby endangering 


the peace of society, unsettling the social relations, 
and setting a dangerous example of insubordination 
and of contempt of the laws. Of this crime, after 
a singularly patient and impartial hearing, you 
have been found guilty. The law allows the court 
no discretion in the case. It is my duty to pass 
sentence forthwith ; and I now solemnly ask you, 
if you have anything to say why sentence of decau- 
disation should not be pronounced against you" 
Here the Chief- Justice took just time enough to 
gape, and then proceeded " You are right in 
throwing yourself altogether on the mercy of the 
court, which better knows what is fittest for you, 
than you can possibly know for yourself. You will be 
taken, Noah Poke, or No. 1, sea-water-color, forth 
with, to the centre of the public square, between the 
hours of sunrise and sunset of this day, where your 
cauda will be cut off; and after it has been divided 
into four parts, a part will be exposed towards each 
of the cardinal points of the compass ; and the brush 
thereof being consumed by fire, the ashes will be 
thrown into your face, and this without benefit of 
clergy. And may the Lord have mercy on your 
soul !" 

"Noah Poke, or No. 1, sea-water-color," put in 
Baron Longbeard, without giving the culprit breath 
ing-time, " you have been indicted, tried, and found 
guilty of the enormous crime of charging the 
Queen-consort of this realm of being wanting in 
the ordinary, important, and every-day faculty of a 
memory. Have you anything to say why sentence 
should not be forthwith passed against you? No 
I am sure you are very right in throwing yourself 
altogether on the mercy of the court, which is 
quite disposed to show you all that is in its power, 
which happens, in this case, to be none at all. I need 
not dwell on the gravity of your offence. If the 


law should allow that the Queen has no memory, 
other females might put in claims to the same pri 
vilege, and society would become a chaos. Mar 
riage vows, duties, affections, and all our nearest 
and dearest interests would be unhinged, and this 
pleasant state of being would degenerate into a 
moral, or rather an immoral, pandemonium. Keep 
ing in view these all-important considerations, and 
more especially the imperativeness of the law, 
which does not admit of discretion, the court sen 
tences you to be carried hence, without delay, to 
the centre of the great square, where your head 
will be severed from your body by the public exe 
cutioner, without benefit of clergy; after which, 
your remains are to be consigned to the public hos 
pitals for the purposes of dissection." 

The words were scarcely out of Baron Long- 
beard's mouth, before both the Attorneys-General 
started up, to move the court in behalf of the sepa 
rate dignities of their respective principals. Mr. 
Attorney-General of the crown prayed the court so 
far to amend its sentence, as to give precedency to 
the punishment on account of the offence against 
the King ; and Mr. Attorney-General for the Queen, 
to pray the court it would not be so far forgetful 
of her Majesty's rights and dignity, as to establish 
a precedent so destructive of both. I caught a 
glimpse of hope glancing about the eyes of my bro 
ther Downright, who, waiting just long enough to 
let the two advocates warm themselves over these 
points of law, arose and moved the court for a sta^ 
of execution, on the plea that neither sentence was 
legal; that delivered by my Lord Chief-Justice 
containing a contradiction, inasmuch as it ordered 
the decaudisation to take place between the hours 
of sunrise and sunset, and also forthwith : and that 
delivered by Baron Longbeard*, on account of its 


ordering the body to be given up to dissection, con 
trary to the law, which merely made that provision 
in the case of condemned monikins, the prisoner at 
the bar being entirely of another species. 

The court deemed all these objections serious, 
but decided on its own incompetency to take cog 
nizance of them. It was a question for the twelve 
Judges, who were now on the point of assembling, 
and to whom they referred the whole affair on 
appeal. In the mean time, justice could not be 
stayed. The prisoner must be carried out into the 
square, and matters must proceed; but, should either 
of the points be finally determined in his favor, he 
could have the benefit of it, so far as circumstances 
would then allow. Hereupon, the court rose, and 
the judges, counsel and clerks, repaired in a body 
to the hall of the twelve Judges. 


Better and better More law and more justice Tails and 
heads ; the importance of keeping each in its proper 

NOAH was incontinently transferred to the place 
of execution, where I promised to meet him in time 
to receive his parting sigh, curiosity inducing me 
first to learn the issue on the appeal. The Briga 
dier told me in confidence, as we went to the other 
hall, that the affair was now getting to be one of 
great interest ; that hitherto it had been mere boys' 
play, but it would in future require counsel of great 
reading and research to handle the arguments, and 
that he flattered himself there was a good occasion 


likely to present itself, for him to show what 
monikin reason really was. 

The whole of the twelve wore tail-cases, and 
altogether they presented a formidable array of 
intellectual development. As the cause of Noah 
was admitted to be one of more than common ur 
gency, after hearing only three or four other short 
applications on behalf of the crown, whose rights 
always have precedence on such occasions, the 
Attorney-General of the King was desired to open 
his case. 

The learned counsel spoke, in anticipation, to the 
objections of both his adversaries, beginning with 
those of my brother Downright. Forthwith, he con 
tended, might be at any period of the twenty-four 
hours, according to the actual time of using the 
term. Thus, forthwith of a morning, would mean 
in the morning ; forthwith at noon, would mean at 
noon ; and so on to the close of the legal day. More 
over, in a legal signification, forthwith must mean 
between sunrise and sunset, the statute commanding 
that all executions shall take place by the light of 
the sun, and consequently the two terms ratified 
and confirmed each other, instead of conveying a 
contradiction, or of neutralizing each other, as would 
most probably be contended by the opposite counsel. 

To all this my brother Downright, as is usual on 
such occasions, objected pretty much the converse. 
He maintained that all light proceeded from the 
sun; and that the statute, therefore, could only 
mean that there should be no executions during 
eclipses, a period when the whole monikin race 
ought to be occupied in adoration. Forthwith, more 
over, did not necessarily mean forthwith, for forth 
with meant immediately; and "between sunrise 
and sunset" meant between sunrise and sunset; 
which might be immediately, or might not. 

On this point the twelve Judges decided, firstly, 


that forthwith did not mean forthwith ; secondly, 
that forthwith did mean forthwith; thirdly, that forth 
with had two legal meanings ; fourthly, that it was 
illegal to apply one of these legal meanings to a 
wrong legal purpose ; and, fifthly, that the objection 
was of no avail, as respected the case of No. 1, sea- 
water-color. Ordered, therefore, that the criminal 
lose his tail forthwith. 

The objection to the other sentence met with 
no better fate. Men and monikins did not differ 
more than some men differed from other men, or 
some monikins differed from other monikins. Or 
dered, that the sentence be confirmed with costs. 
I thought this decision the soundest of the two ; for 
I had often had occasion to observe, that there 
were very startling points of resemblance between 
monkeys and our own species. 

The contest now commenced between the two 
Attorneys-General in earnest ; and, as the point at 
issue was a question of mere rank, it excited a 
lively I may say an engrossing interest in all the 
hearers. It was settled, however, after a vigorous 
discussion, in favor of the King, whose royal dig 
nity the twelve Judges were unanimously of opinion 
was entitled to precedency over that of the Queen. 
To my great surprise, my brother Downright volun 
teered an argument on this intricate point, making 
an exceedingly clever speech in favor of the King's 
dignity, as was admitted by every one who heard 
it. It rested chiefly on the point that the ashes of 
the tail were, by the sentence, to be thrown into 
the culprit's face. It is true this might be done 
physically after decapitation, but it could not be 
done morally. This part of the punishment was 
designed for a moral effect; and to produce that ef 
fect, consciousness and shame were both necessary. 
Therefore, the moral act of throwing the ashes into 


the face of the criminal could only be done while 
he was living, and capable of being ashamed. 

Meditation, Chief-Justice, delivered the opinion 
of the bench. It contained the usual amount of 
legal ingenuity and logic, was esteemed as very 
eloquent in that part which touched on the sacred 
and inviolable character of the royal prerogatives, 
(prerogatives, as he termed them,) and was so 
lucid in pointing out the general inferiority of the 
Queen-consort, that I felt happy her Majesty was 
not present to hear herself and sex undervalued. 
As might have been expected, it allowed great 
weight to the distinction taken by the Brigadier. 
The decision was in the following words, viz. 
" Rex et Regina versus No. 1, sea-water-color: Or 
dered, that the officers of justice shall proceed forth 
with to decaudisate the defendant before they de 
capitate him ; provided he has not been forthwith 
decapitated before he can be decaudisated." 

The moment this mandamus w r as put into the 
hands of the proper officer, Brigadier Downright 
caught me by the knee, and led me out of the hall 
of justice, as if both our lives depended on our ex 
pedition. I was about to reproach him for having 
volunteered to aid the King's Attorney-General, 
when, seizing me by the root of the tail, for the 
want of a button-hole, he said, with evident satis 

" Affairs go on swimmingly, my dear Sir John ! 
I do not remember to have been employed, for some 
years, in a more interesting litigation. Now this 
cause, which, no doubt, you think is drawing to a 
close, has just reached its pivot, or turning point ; 
and I see every prospect of extricating our client 
with great credit to myself." 

" How ! my brother Downright !" I interrupted ; 
" the accused is finally sentenced, if not actually 
executed !" 


" Not so fast, my good Sir John not so fast, by 
any means. Nothing is final in law, while there is 
a farthing to meet the costs, or the criminal can 
yet gasp. I hold our case to be in an excellent 
way ; much better than I have deemed it at any 
time since the accused was arraigned." 

Surprise left me no other power than that which 
was necessary to demand an explanation. 

" All depends on the single fact, dear sir," conti 
nued my brother Downright, " whether the head is 
still on the body of the accused or not. Do you 
proceed, as fast as possible, to the place of execu 
tion ; and, should our client still have a head, keep 
up his spirits by a proper religious discourse, always 
preparing him for the worst, for this is no more 
than wisdom ; but, the instant his tail is separated 
from his body, run hither as fast as you can, to ap 
prize me of the fact. I ask but two things of you 
speed in coming with the news, and perfect cer 
tainty that the tail is not yet attached to the rest of 
the frame, by even a hair. A hair often turns the 
scales of justice !" 

" The case seems desperate would it not be as 
well for me to run down to the palace, at once ; 
demand an audience of their Majesties, throw my 
self on my knees before the royal pair, and implore 
a pardon ?" 

" Your project is impracticable, for three sufficient 
reasons : firstly, there is not time ; secondly, you 
would not be admitted without a special appoint 
ment ; thirdly, there is neither a King nor a Queen." 

" No King in Leaphigh !" 

" I have said it." 

" Explain yourself, brother Downright, or I shall 
be obliged to refute what you say, by the evidence 
of my own senses." 

"Your senses will prove to be false witnesses 
then. Formerly there was a King in Leaphigh; 


and one who governed, as well as reigned. But 
the nobles and grandees of the country, deeming 
it indecent to trouble His Majesty with affairs of 
state any longer, took upon themselves all the trou 
ble of governing, leaving to the sovereign the sole 
duty of reigning. This was done in a way to save 
his feelings, under the pretence of setting up a bar 
rier to the physical force and abuses of the mass. 
After a time, it was found inconvenient and expen 
sive to feed and otherwise support the royal family, 
and all its members were privately shipped to a 
distant region, which had not yet got to be so far 
advanced in civilization, as to know how to keep 
up a monarchy without a monarch." 

"And does Leaphigh succeed in effecting this 
prodigy ?" 

" Wonderfully well. By means of decapitations 
and decaudisations enough, even greater exploits 
may be performed." 

"But am I to understand literally, brother Down 
right, there is no such thing as a monarch in this 
country 1" 


" And the presentations ?" 

" Are like these trials, to maintain the monarchy." 

" And the crimson curtains 1 " 

" Conceal empty seats." 

" Why not, then, dispense with so much costly 
representation ?" 

" In what way could the grandees cry out that 
the throne is in danger, if there were no throne? 
It is one thing to have no monarch, and another to 
have no throne. But all this time our client is in 
great jeopardy. Hasten, therefore, and be particu 
lar to act as f have just instructed you." 

I stopped to hear no more, but in a minute was 
flying towards the centre of the square. It was easy 
enough to perceive the tail of my friend waving 


over the crowd; but grief and apprehension had 
already rendered his countenance so rueful, that, at 
the first glance, I did not recognize his head. He 
was, however, still in the body; for, luckily for 
himself, and more especially for the success of his 
principal counsel, the gravity of his crimes had 
rendered unusual preparations necessary for the 
execution. As the mandate of the court had not 
yet arrived justice being as prompt in Leaphigh 
as her ministers are dilatory two blocks were 
prepared, and the culprit was about to get down on 
his hands and knees between them, just as I forced 
my way through the crowd to his side. 

*" Ah ! Sir John, this is an awful predicament !" 
exclaimed the rebuked Noah ; " a ra'ally awful 
situation for a human Christian to have his ene 
mies lying athwart both bows and starn !" 

"While there is life there is hope; but it is always 
best to be prepared for the worst he who is thus 
prepared never can meet with a disagreeable sur 
prise. Messrs. Executioners," for there were two, 
that of the King and that of the Queen, or one at 
each end of the unhappy criminal " Messrs. Exe 
cutioners, I pray you to give the culprit a moment 
to arrange his thoughts, and to communicate his last 
requests in behalf of his distant family and friends !" 

To this reasonable petition neither of the high 
functionaries of the law made any objection, al 
though both insisted if they did not forthwith bring 
the culprit to the last stages of preparation, they 
might lose their places. They did not see, however, 
but a man might pause for a moment on the brink 
of the grave. It would seem that there had been 
a little misunderstanding between the executioners 
themselves on the point of precedency, which had 
been one cause of the delay, and which had been 
disposed of by an arrangement that both should 

VOL. II. 9 


operate at the same instant. Noah was now brought 
down to his hands and knees, " moored head and 
starn," as that unfeeling blackguard Bob, who was 
in the crowd, expressed it, between the two blocks, 
his neck lying on one and his tail on the other. 
While in this edifying attitude, I was permitted to 
address him. 

" It may be well to bethink you of your soul, my 
dear Captain," I said ; " for, to speak truth, these 
axes have a very prompt and sanguinary appear 

" I know it, Sir John, I know it; and, not to mis 
lead you, I will own that I have been repenting 
with all my might, ever since that first vardict. 
That affair of the Lord High Admiral, in particu 
lar, has given me a good deal of consarn ; and I 
now humbly ask your pardon for being led away 
by such a miserable deception, which is all owing 
to that riptyle Dr. Reasono, who I hope will yet 
meet with his desarts. I forgive everybody, and 
hope everybody will forgive me! As for Miss 
Poke, it will be a hard case ; for she is altogether 
past expecting another consort, and she must be 
satisfied to be a relic the rest of her days." 

" Repentance, repentance, my dear Noah re 
pentance is the one thing needful, for a man in your 

" I do I do, Sir John, body and soul I repent, 
from the bottom of my heart, ever having come on 
this v'y'ge, nay, I do n't know but I repent ever 
having come outside of Montauk Point. I might, 
at this moment, have been a schoolmaster or a 
tavern-keeper in Stunin'tun; and they are both 
good wholesome births, particularly the last. Lord 
love you ! Sir John, if repentance would do any 
good, I should be pardoned on the spot" 

Here Noah caught a glimpse of Bob grinning in 
the crowd, and he asked of the executioners, as a 


last favor, that they would have the boy brought 
near, that he might take an affectionate leave of 
him. This reasonable request was complied with, 
in despite of poor Bob's struggles ; and the young 
ster had quite as good reasons for hearty repent 
ance as the culprit himself. Just at this trying 
moment, the mandate for the order of the punish 
ments arrived, and the officials seriously declared 
that the condemned must prepare to meet his fate. 

The unflinching manner in which Captain Poke 
submitted to the mortal process of decaudisation, 
extracted plaudits from, and awakened sympathy 
in, every monikin present. Having satisfied myself 
that the tail was actually separated from the body, 
I ran, as fast as legs could carry me, towards the 
hall of the twelve Judges. My brother Downright, 
who was impatiently expecting my appearance, 
instantly arose and moved the bench to issue a 
mandamus for a stay of execution, in the case of 
"Regina versus Noah Poke, or No. 1, sea- water- 
color. By the statute of the 2d of Longevity and 
Flirtilla, it was enacted, my Lords," put in the Briga 
dier, " that in no case shall a convicted felon suffer 
loss of life, or limb, while it can be established that 
he is non compos mentis. This is also a rule, my 
Lords, of common law but being common sense 
and common monikinity, it has been thought pru 
dent to enforce it by an especial enactment. I pre 
sume Mr. Attorney-General for the Queen will 
scarcely dispute the law of the case " 

"Not at all, my Lords though I have some 
doubts as to the fact. The fact remains to be es 
tablished," answered the other, taking snuff. 

" The fact is certain, and will not admit of cavil. 
In the case of Rex versus Noah Poke, the court 
ordered the punishment of decaudisation to take pre 
cedence of that of decapitation, in the case of Regina 
versus the same. Process had been issued from the 


bench to that effect; the culprit has, in consequence, 
lost his cauda, and with it his reason; a creature 
without reason has always been held to be nan 
compos mentis, and by the law of the land is not 
liable to the punishments of life or limb." 

" Your law is plausible, my brother Downright," 
observed my Lord Chief Justice, " but it remains 
for the bench to be put in possession of the facts. 
At the next term, you will perhaps be better pre 
pared " 

" I pray you, my Lord, to remember that this is 
a case whicn will not admit of three months' delay." 

" We can decide the principle a year hence, as 
well as to-day; and we have now sat longer in 
banco" looking at his watch, " than is either usual, 
agreeable, or expedient." 

" But, my Lords, the proof is at hand. Here is 
a witness to establish that the cauda of Noah Poke, 
the defendant of record, has actually been sepa 
rated from his body " 

" Nay- nay my brother Downright, a barrister 
of your experience must know that the twelve can 
only take evidence on affidavit. If you had an 
affidavit prepared, we might possibly find time to 
hear it, before we adjourn, as it is, the affair must 
lie over to another sitting." 

I was now in a cold sweat, for I could distinctly 
scent the peculiar odor of the burning tail; the 
ashes of which being fairly thrown into Noah's face, 
there remained no further obstacle to the process of 
decapitation, the sentence, it will be remembered, 
having kept his countenance on his shoulders, 
expressly for that object. My brother Downright, 
however, was not a lawyer to be defeated by so 
simple a stumbling-block. Seizing a paper that was 
already written over in a good legal hand, which 
happened to be lying before him, he read it, with 
out pause or hesitation, in the following manner : 


"Regina versus Noah Poke. 
Kingdom of Leaphigh, Season of Nuts, ) 

this fourth day of the Moon. Personally ap 

peared before me, Meditation, Lord Chief Justice 
of the Court of King's Bench, John Goldencalf, 
Baronet, of the Kingdom of Great Britain, who, 
being duly sworn, doth depose and say, viz., That 
he, the said deponent, was present at, and did wit 
ness the decaudisation of the defendant in this suit, 
and that the tail of the said Noah Poke, or No. 1, 
sea-water-color, hath been truly and physically se 
parated from his body. And further this deponent 
sayeth not. Signature, &c." 

Having read, in the most fluent manner, the fore 
going affidavit, (which existed only in his own brain,) 
my brother Downright desired the court to take my 
deposition to its truth. 

" John Goldencalf, Baronet," said the Chief Jus 
tice, " you have heard what has just been read ; do 
you swear to its truth ?" 

" I do." 

Here, the affidavit was signed by both my Lord 
Chief Justice and myself, and it was duly put on 
file. I afterwards learned that the paper used by 
my brother Downright on this memorable occasion, 
was no other than the notes which the Chief Jus 
tice himself had taken on one of the arguments in 
the case in question, and, that seeing the names and 
title of the cause, besides finding it no easy matter 
to read his own writing, that high officer of the 
crown had, very naturally, supposed that all was 
right. As to the rest of the bench, they were in 
too great a hurry to go to dinner, to stop and read 
affidavits, and the case was instantly disposed of, 
by the following decision. 

" Regina versus Noah Poke, &c. Ordered, That 
the culprit be considered non compos mentis, and 

102 THE MON1K1N6. 

that he be discharged, on finding security to keep 
the peace for the remainder of his natural life." 

An officer was instantly dispatched to the great 
square with this reprieve, and the court rose. I 
delayed a little in order to enter into the necessary 
recognizances in behalf of Noah, taking up, at the 
same time, the bonds given the previous night, for 
his appearance to answer to the indictments. These 
forms being duly complied with, my brother Down 
right and myself repaired to the place of execution, 
in order to congratulate our client, the former 
justly elated with his success, which he assured me 
was not a little to the credit of his own education. 

We found Noah surprisingly relieved by his libe 
ration from the hands of the Philistines ; nor was 
he at all backward in expressing his satisfaction at 
the unexpected turn things had taken. According 
to his account of the matter, he did not set a higher 
value on his head than another ; still, it was con 
venient to have one ; had it been necessary to 
part with it, he made no doubt he should have 
submitted to do so like a man, referring to the forti 
tude with which he had borne the amputation of 
his cauda, as a proof of his resolution ; for his part, 
he should take very good care how he accused any 
one with having a memory, or any thing else, again, 
and he now saw the excellence of those wise pro 
visions of the laws, which cut up a criminal in 
order to prevent the repetition of his offences ; he 
did not intend to stay much longer on shore, believ 
ing he should be less in the way of temptation on 
board the Walrus than among the monikins ; and, 
as for his own people, he was sure of soon catch 
ing them on board again, for they had now been 
off their pork twenty-four hours, and nuts were 
but poor grub for fore-mast hands, after all ; phi 
losophers might say what they pleased about go 
vernments, but, in his opinion, the only ra'al tyrant 


on 'arth was the belly; he did not remember ever 
to have had a struggle with his belly and he had 
a thousand that the belly did n't get the better ; 
that it would be awkward to lay down the title of 
Lord High Admiral, but it was easier to lay down 
that than to lay down his head ; that as for a cauda, 
though it was certainly agreeable to be in the fash 
ion, he could do very well without one, and when 
he got back to Stunnin'tun, should the worst come 
to the worst, there was a certain saddler in the 
place, who could give him as good a fit as the one 
he had lost ; that Miss Poke would have been great 
ly scandalized, however, had he come home after 
decapitation ; that it might be well to sail for Leap- 
low, as soon as convenient, for in that country he 
understood bobs were in fashion, and he admitted 
that he should not like to cruise about Leaphigh, 
for any great length of time, unless he could look 
as other people look ; for his part, he bore no one 
a grudge, and he freely forgave everybody but Bob, 
out of whom, the Lord willing, he proposed to have 
full satisfaction, before the ship should be twenty- 
four hours at sea, &c. &c. &c. 

Such was the general tendency of the remarks 
of Captain Poke, as we proceeded towards the port, 
where he embarked and went on board the Walrus, 
with some eagerness, having learned that our rear- 
admirals and post-captains had, indeed, yielded to the 
calls of nature, and had all gone to their duty, swear 
ing they would rather be fore-mast Jacks in a well- 
victualled ship, than the King of Leaphigh upon nuts. 

The Captain had no sooner entered the boat, 
taking his head with him, than I began to make my 
acknowledgments to my brother Downright, for the 
able manner in which he had defended my fellow 
human being ; paying, at the same time, some well- 
merited compliments to the ingenious and truly phi- 


losophical distinctions of the Leaphigh system of 

" Spare your thanks and your commendations, I 
beg of you, good Sir John," returned the Brigadier, 
as we walked back towards my lodgings. " We 
did as well as circumstances would allow ; though 
our whole defence would have been upset, had not 
the Chief Justice very luckily been unable to read 
his own handwriting. As for the principles and 
forms of the monikin law, for in these particulars 
Leaplow is very much like Leaphigh, as you have 
seen them displayed in these two suits, why, they 
are such as we have. I do not pretend that they 
are faultless ; on the contrary, I could point out 
improvements myself but we get on with them as 
well as we can : no doubt, among men, you have 
codes that will better bear examination." 


A neophyte in diplomacy diplomatic introduction a calcu 
lation a shipment of Opinions how to choose an invoice, 
with an assortment. 

I NOW began seriously to think of sailing for Leap- 
low; for I confess I was heartily tired of being 
thought the governor of his Royal Highness Prince 
Bob, and pined to be restored once more to my pro 
per place in society. I was the more incited to make 
the change, by the representations of the Brigadier, 
who assured me that it was sufficient to come 
from foreign parts, to be esteemed a nobleman 
in Leaplow, and that I need not apprehend in his 
country, any of the ill-treatment I had received in 
the one in which I now was. After talking over the 
matter, therefore, in a familiar way, we determined 
to repair at once to the Leaplow legation, in order 


to ask for our passports, and to offer, at the same 
time, to carry any dispatches that Judge People's 
Friend might have prepared for his government, 
it being the custom of the Leaplowers to trust to 
these God-sends in carrying on their diplomatic 

We found the Judge in undress, and a very dif 
ferent figure he cut, certainly, from that which he 
made when I saw him the previous night at court. 
Then he was all queue ; now, he was all bob. He 
seemed glad to see us, however, and quite delight 
ed when I told him of the intention to sail for 
Leaplow, as soon as the wind served. He instantly 
asked a passage for himself, with republican sim 

There was to be another turn of the great and 
little wheels, he said, and it was quite important to 
himself to be on the spot; for, although every thing 
was, beyond all question, managed with perfect 
republican propriety, yet, somehow, and yet he did 
not know exactly how, but somehow, those who are 
on the spot always get the best prizes. If I could 
give him a passage, therefore, he would esteem it 
a great personal favor; and I might depend on 
it, the circumstance would be well received by the 
party. Although I did not very well understand 
what he meant by this party, which was to view the 
act so kindly, I very cheerfully told the Judge that the 
apartments lately occupied by my Lord Chatterino 
and his friends were perfectly at his disposal. I 
was then asked when I intended to sail ; and the 
answer was, the instant the wind hauled, so we 
could lay out of the harbour. It might be within 
half an hour. Hereupon Judge People's Friend 
begged I would have the goodness to wait until he 
could hunt up a charg d'affaires. His instructions 
were most peremptory never to leave the legation 
without a charge* d'affaires; but he would just brush 


his bob, and run into the street, and look up one in 
five minutes, if I would promise to wait so long. It 
would have been unkind to refuse so trifling a favor, 
and the promise was given. The Judge must have 
run as fast as his legs would carry him ; for, in 
about ten minutes, he was back again, with a di 
plomatic recruit. He told me his heart had mis 
given him sadly. The three first to whom he 
offered the place had plumply refused it, and, indeed, 
he did not know but he should have a quarrel or 
two on his hands ; but, at last, he had luckily found 
one who could get nothing else to do, and he pinned 
him on the spot. 

So far every thing had gone on swimmingly; but 
the new charge had, most unfortunately, a very 
long cauda, a fashion that was inexorably proscribed 
by the Leaplow usages, except in cases where the 
representative went to court for it seems the Leap- 
low political ethics, like your country buck, has 
two dresses ; one for every-day wear, and one for 
Sundays. The Judge intimated to his intended substi 
tute, that it was absolutely indispensable he should 
submit to an amputation, or he could not possibly con 
fer the appointment, queues being proscribed at 
home by both public opinions, the horizontal and 
the perpendicular. To this the candidate objected 
that he very well knew the Leaplow usages on this 
head, but that he had seen his Excellency himself 
going to court with a singularly apparent brush; 
and he had supposed from that, and from sundry 
other little occurrences he did not care to par 
ticularize, that the Leaplowers were not so bigoted 
in their notions, but they could act on the principle 
of doing at Rome as is* done by the Romans. To 
this the Judge replied, that this principle was cer 
tainly recognized in all things that were agreeable; 
and that he knew, from experience, how hard it 
was to go in a bob, when all around him went in 


caudce ; but that tails were essentially anti-republi 
can, and as such had been formally voted down in 
Leaplow, where even the Great Sachem did not 
dare to wear one, let him long for it as much as he 
would ; and if it were known that a public charge 
offended in this particular, although he might be 
momentarily protected by one of the public opinions, 
the matter would certainly be taken up by the op 
position public opinion, and then the people might 
order a new turn of the little wheel, which heaven 
it knew ! occurred now a great deal oftener than 
was either profitable or convenient. 

Hereupon the candidate deliberately undid the 
fastenings and removed the queue, showing, to our 
admiration, that it was false, and that he was, after 
all, neither more nor less than a Leaplower in mas 
querade ; which, by the way, I afterwards learned, 
was very apt to be the case with a great many of 
that eminently original people, when they got with 
out the limits of their own beloved land. Judge 
People's Friend was now perfectly delighted. He 
told us this was exactly what he could most have 
wished for. "Here is a bob," said he, "for the 
horizontals and perpendiculars, and there is a capi 
tal ready-made cauda for his Majesty and his Ma 
jesty's first-cousin! A Leaphighized Leaplower, 
more especially if there be a dash of caricature 
about him, is the very thing in our diplomacy." 
Finding matters so much to his mind, the Judge 
made out the letter of appointment on the spot, and 
then proceeded to give his substitute the usual in 

" You are on all occasions," he said, "to take the 
utmost care not to offend the court of Leaphigh, or 
the meanest of the courtiers, by advancing any of 
our peculiar opinions, all of which, beyond dispute, 
you have at your finger-ends ; on this score, you 


are to be so particular, that you may even, in your 
own person, pro tempore, abandon republicanism 
yea, sacred republicanism itself! knowing that it 
can easily be resumed on your return home again ; 
you are to remember there is nothing so undiploma 
tic, or even vulgar, as to have an opinion on any 
subject, unless it should be the opinion of the per 
sons you may happen to be in company with; and, 
as we have the reputation of possessing that quality 
in an eminent degree, everywhere but at home, 
take especial heed to eschew vulgarity if you can; 
you will have the greatest care, also, to wear the 
shortest bob in all your private, and the longest tail 
in all your public, relations, this being one of the 
most important of the celebrated checks and bal 
ances of our government; our institutions being 
expressly formed by the mass, for the particular 
benefit of all, you will be excessively careful not to 
let the claims of any one citizen, or even any set 
of citizens, interfere with that harmony which it is 
so necessary, for the purposes of trade, to maintain 
with all foreign courts ; which courts being accus 
tomed themselves to consider their subjects as cat 
tle, to be worked in the traces of the state, are sin- 
gulary restive whenever they hear of any individual 
being made of so much importance. Should any 
Leaplower become troublesome on this score, give 
him a bad name at once ; and in order to effect that 
object with your own single-minded and right- loving 
countrymen, swear that he is a disorganizer, and, 
my life on it, both public opinions at home will sus 
tain you ; for there is nothing on which our public 
opinions agree so well as the absolute deference 
which they pay to foreign public opinions, and 
this the more especially, in all matters that are likely 
to affect profits, by deranging commerce. You will, 
above all things, make it a point to be in constant 


relations with some of the readiest paragraph-wri 
ters of the newspapers, in order to see that facts 
are properly stated at home. I would advise you 
to look out some foreigner who has never seen 
Leaplow, for this employment; one that is also 
paid to write for the journals of Leapup, or Leap- 
down, or some other foreign country; by which 
means you will be sure to get an impartial agent, 
or one who can state things in your own way, who 
is already half paid for his services, and who will 
not be likely to make blunders by meddling with 
distinctive thought. When a person of this charac 
ter is found, let him drop a line now and then in 
favor of your own sagacity and patriotism ; and if 
he should say a pleasant thing occasionally about 
me, it will do no harm, but may help the little wheel 
to turn more readily. In order to conceal his ori 
gin, let your paragraph-agent use the word our 
freely ; the use of this word, as you know, being 
the only qualification of citizenship in Leaplow. 
Let him begin to spell the word O-U-R, and then 
proceed to pronounce it, and be careful that he 
does not spell it H-O-U-R, which might betray 
his origin. Above all things, you will be patriotic 
and republican, avoiding the least vindication of 
your country and its institutions, and satisfying 
yourself with saying that the latter are, at least, 
well suited to the former ; if you should say this in 
a way to leave the impression on your hearers, 
that you think the former fitted for nothing else, it 
will be particularly agreeable and thoroughly re 
publican, and most eminently modest and praise 
worthy. You will find the diplomatic agents of all 
other states, sensitive on the point of their peculiar 
political usages, and prompt to defend them ; but 
this is a weakness you will rigidly abstain from 
imitating, for our polity being exclusively based on 
VOL. II. 10 


reason, you are to show a dignified confidence in 
the potency of that fundamental principle, nor in any 
way lessen the high character that reason already 
enjoys, by giving any one cause to suspect you think 
reason is not fully able to take care of itself. With 
these leading hints, and your own natural tenden 
cies, which I am glad to see are eminently fitted for 
the great objects of diplomacy, being ductile, imi 
tative, yielding, calculating, and, above all, of a 
foreign disposition, I think you will be able to get 
on very cleverly. Cultivate, above all things, your 
foreign dispositions, for you are now on foreign 
duty, and your country reposes on your shoulders 
and eminent talents, the whole burthen of its foreign 
interests in this part of the world." 

Here the Judge closed his address, which was 
oral, apparently well satisfied with himself and with 
his raw-hand in diplomacy. He then said, 

" That he would now go to court to present his 
substitute, and to take leave himself; after which he 
would return as fast as possible, and detain us no 
longer than was necessary to put his cauda in pepper, 
to protect it against the moths ; for heaven knew 
what prize he might draw in the next turn of the 
little wheel !" 

We promised to meet him at the port, where a 
messenger just then informed us, Captain Poke had 
landed, and was anxiously waiting our appearance. 
With this understanding we separated ; the Judge 
undertaking to redeem all our promises paid in at 
the tavern, by giving his own in their stead. 

The Brigadier and myself found Noah and the 
cook bargaining for some private adventures, with 
a Leaphigh broker or two, who, finding that the ship 
was about to sail in ballast, were recommending 
their wares to the notice of these two worthies. 

"It would be* a ra'al sin, Sir John," commenced 


the Captain, " to neglect an occasion like this to 
turn a penny. The ship could carry ten thousand 
immigrunts, and they say there are millions of them 
going over to Leaplow; or it might stow half the 
goods in Aggregation. I'm resolved, at any rate, 
to use my cabin privilege ; and I would advise you, 
as owner, to look out for suthin' to pay port- 
charges with, to say the least." 

" The idea is not a bad one, friend Poke ; but, as 
we are ignorant of the state of the market on the 
other side, it might be well to consult some inhab 
itant of the country about the choice of articles. 
Here is the Brigadier Downright, whom I have 
found to be a monikin of experience and judgment, 
and if you please, we will first hear what he has to 
say about it" 

' I dabble very little in merchandise," returned 
the Brigadier; "but, as a general principle, I should 
say that no article of Leaphigh manufacture would 
command so certain a market in Leaplow as Opi 

" Have you any of these opinions for sale ?" I 
inquired of the broker. 

" Plenty of them, sir, and of all qualities from 
the very lowest to the very 'ighest prices those 
that may be had for next to nothing, to those that 
we think a great deal of ourselves. We always 
keeps them ready packed for exportation, and send 
wast invoices of them, hannually, to Leaplow in par 
ticular. Opinions are harticles that help to sell each 
other ; and a ship of the tonnage of yours might 
stow enough, provided they were properly assort 
ed, to carry all before them for the season." 

Expressing a wish to see the packages, we were 
immediately led into an adjoining warehouse, where, 
sure enough, there were goodly lots of the manufac 
tures in question. I passed along the shelves, read- 


ing the inscriptions of the different packages. Point 
ing to several bundles that had " Opinions on Free 
Trade" written on their labels, I asked the Briga 
dier what he thought of that article. 

" Why, they would have done better, a year or 
two since, when we were settling a new tariff; but 
I should think there would be less demand for them 

"You are quite right, sir," -added the broker; 
" we did send large invoices of them to Leaplow 
formerly,, and they were all eagerly bought up, 
the moment they arrived. A great many were 
dyed over again, and sold as of 'ome manufacture. 
Most of these harticles are now shipped for Leapup, 
with whom we have negotiations that give them a 
certain value." 

" * Opinions on Democracy, and on the polity of 
governments in general; 1 I should think these would 
be of no use in Leaplow?" 

" Why, sir, they goes pretty much hover the whole 
world. We sell powers on 'em on our own con 
tinent, near by, and a great many do go even to 
Leaplow ; though what they does with 'em there, I 
never could say, seeing they are all government 
monikins in that queer country." 

An inquiring look extorted a clearer answer 
from the Brigadier : 

" To admit the fact, we have a class among us 
who buy up these articles with some eagerness. I 
can only account for it, by supposing they think 
differing in their tastes from the mass, makes them 
more enlightened and peculiar." 

" I '11 take them all. An article that catches these 
propensities is sure of a sale. * Opinions on Events; 1 
what can possibly be done with these ?" 

"That depends a little on their classification," 
returned the Brigadier. " If they relate to Leap- 


low events, while they have a certain value, they 
cannot be termed of current value ; but if they refer 
to the events of all the rest of the earth, take them, 
for heaven's sake ! for we trust altogether to this 
market for our supplies." 

On this hint I ordered the whole lot, trusting to 
dispose of the least fashionable by aid of those that 
were more in vogue. 

" * Opinions on Domestic Literature? " 
" You may buy all he has; we use no other." 
" ' Opinions on Continental Literature.' " 
"Why, we know little about the goods them 
selves but I think a selection might answer." 

I ordered the bale cut in two, and took one half, 
at a venture. 

" ' Opinions on Lea-plow Literature^ from No. 1, up 
to No. 100.' " 

" Ah ! it is proper I should explain," put in the 
broker, "that we has two varieties of them 'ere 
harticles. One is the true harticle, as is got up by 
our great wits and philosophers, they says, on the 
most approved models; but the other is nothing but 
a sham harticle that is really manufactured in 
Leaplow, and is sent out here to get our stamp. 
That's all I never deceives a customer both sell 
well, I hear, on the other side, however." 

I looked again at the Brigadier, who quietly 
nodding assent, I took the whole hundred bales. 
" ' Opinions of the Institutions of Leaphigh.' " 
" Why, them 'ere is assorted, being of all sizes, 
forms and colors. They came coastwise, and are 
chiefly for domestic consumption; though I have 
known 'em sent to Leaplow, with success." 

" The consumers of this article among us," ob 
served the Brigadier, " are very select, and rarely 
take any but of the very best quality. But then 
they are usually so well stocked, that I question if a 


new importation would pay freight. Indeed, our 
consumers cling very generally to the old fashions 
in this article, not even admitting the changes pro 
duced by time. There was an old manufacturer 
called Whiterock, who has a sort of Barlow-knife 
reputation among us, and it is not easy to get an 
other article to compete with his. Unless they are 
very antiquated, I would have nothing to do with 

" Yes, this is all true, sir. We still sends to Leap- 
low quantities of that 'ere manufacture; and the 
more hantiquated the harticle, the better it sells; 
but then the new fashions has a most wonderful run 
at 'ome." 

"I'll stick to the real Barlow, through thick or 
thin. Hunt me up a bale of his notions ; let them 
be as old as the flood. What have we here 1 > 
* Opinions on the Institutions of Leaplow." 1 " 

" Take them," said the Brigadier, promptly- 

" This 'ere gentleman has an hidear of the state 
of his own market," added the broker, giggling. 
" Wast lots of these things go across yearly and I 
don't find that any on 'em ever comes back." 

" ' Opinions on the State of Manners and Society in 

"I believe I'll take an interest in that article my 
self, Sir John, if you can give me a ton or two 
between decks. Have you many of this manufac 

" Lots on 'em, sir and they do sell so ! That 
'ere are a good harticle both at 'ome and abroad. 
My eye ! how they does go off in Leaplow !" 

" This appears to be also your expectation, Briga 
dier, by your readiness to take an interest ?" 

" To speak the truth, nothing sells better in our 
beloved country." 

" Permit me to remark that I find your readiness 


to purchase this and the last article, a little singular. 
If I have rightly comprehended our previous con 
versations, you Leaplowers profess to have im 
proved not only on the ancient principles of polity, 
but on the social condition, generally." 

" We will talk of this during the passage home 
ward, Sir John Goldencalf ; but, by your leave, I 
will take a share in the investment in * Opinions on 
the State of Society and Manners in Leaplow,' es 
pecially if they treat at large on the deformities of 
the government, while they allow us to be genteel* 
This is the true notch some of these goods have 
been condemned because the manufacturers hadn't 
sufficient skill in dyeing." 

" You shall have a share, Brigadier. Harkee, 
Mr. Broker ; I take it these said opinions come from 
some very well known and approved manufactory t" 

" All sorts, sir. Some good, and some good for 
nothing everything sells, however. I never was 
in Leaplow, but we says over here, that the Leap- 
lowers eat, and drink, and sleep on our opinions. 
Lord, sir, it would really do your heart good to see 
the stuff, in these harticles, that they does take from 
us without higgling !" 

" I presume, Brigadier, that you use them as an 
amusement as a means to pass a pleasant hour, 
of. an evening a sort of moral segar ?" 

"No, sir," put in the broker, "they doesn't smoke 
'em, my word on't, or they wouldn't buy 'em in 
such lots !" 

I now thought enough had been laid in on my 
own account, and I turned to see what the Captain 
was about. He was higgling for a bale marked 
"Opinions on the lost condition of the monikin soul." 
A little curious to know why he had made this se 
lection, I led him aside, and frankly put the question. 

'"Why, to own the truth, Sir John," he said, 


" religion is an article that sells in every market, in 
some shape or other. Now, we are all in the dark 
about the Leaplow tastes and usages, for I always 
suspect a native of the country to which I am bound, 
on such a p'int; and if the things shouldn't sell 
there, they'll at least do at Stunin'tun. Miss Poke 
alone would use up what there is in that there bale, 
in a twelvemonth. To give the woman her due, 
she's a desperate consumer of snuff and religion." 

We had now pretty effectually cleared the shelves, 
and the cook, who had come ashore to dispose of 
his slush, had not yet been able to get anything. 

" Here is a small bale as come from Leaplow, 
and a pinched little thing it is," said the broker, 
laughing; "it don't take at all, here, and it might 
do to go 'ome again at any rate you will get the 
drawback. It is filled with * Distinctive Opinions 
of the Republic of Leaplow.' " The cook looked at 
the Brigadier, who appeared to think the specula 
tion doubtful. Still it was Hobson's choice ; and, 
after a good deal of grumbling, the doctor, as Noah 
always called his cook, consented to take the " har- 
ticle," at half the prime cost. 

Judge People's Friend now came trotting down 
to the port, thoroughly en republicain, when we 
immediately embarked, and in half an hour, Bob 
was kicked to Noah's heart's content, and the 
Walrus was fairly under way for Leaplow. 



Political boundaries Political rights Political selections, 
and political disquisitions ; with political results. 

THE aquatic mile-stones of the monikin seas have 
been already mentioned ; but I believe I omitted 
to say, that there was a line of demarcation drawn 
in the water, by means of a similar invention, to 
point out the limits of the jurisdiction of each state. 
Thus, all within these water-marks, was under the 
laws of Leaphigh ; all between them and those of 
some other country, was the high seas ; and all 
within those of the other country, Leaplow for 
instance, was under the exclusive jurisdiction of 
that other country. 

With a favorable wind, the Walrus could run 
to the water-marks in about half a day; from 
thence to the water-marks of JLeaplow was two 
days' sail, and another half day was necessary to 
reach our haven. As we drew near the legal" 
frontiers of Leaphigh, several small fast-sailing 
schooners were seen hovering just without the 
jurisdiction of the King, quite evidently waiting our 
approach. One boarded us, just as the outer end 
of the spanker-boom got clear of the Leaphigh 
sovereignty. Judge People's Friend rushed to the 
side of the ship, and before the crew of the boat 
could get on deck, he had ascertained that the 
usual number of prizes had been put into the little 

A monikin in a bob of a most pronounced cha 
racter, or which appeared to have been subjected 
to the second amputation, being what is called in 
Leaplow a bob-upon-bob, now approached, and 


inquired if there were any emigrants on board. 
He was made acquainted with our characters and 
objects. When he understood that our stay would 
most likely be short, he was evidently a little dis 

" Perhaps, gentlemen," he added, " you may 
still remain long enough to make naturalization 

"It is always agreeable to be at home in foreign 
countries but are there no legal objections ?" 

" I see none, sir you have no tails, I believe ?" 

" None but what are in our trunks. I did not 
know, however, but the circumstance of our being 
of a different species might throw some obstacles 
in the way." 

" None in the world, sir. We act on principles 
much too liberal for so narrow an objection. You 
are but little acquainted with the institutions and 
policy of our beloved and most happy country, I 
see, sir. This is not Leaphigh, nor Leapup, nor 
Leapdown, nor Leapover, nor Leapthrough, nor 
Leapunder; but good old, hearty, liberal, free and 
independent, most beloved, happy, and prosperous 
beyond example, Leaplow. Species is of no account 
under our system. We would as soon naturalize 
one animal as another, provided it be a republican 
animal. I see no deficiency about any of you. All 
we ask is certain general principles. You go on 
two legs " 

" So do turkeys, sir." 

" Very true but you have no feathers." 

" Neither has a donkey." 

" All very right, gentlemen you do not bray, 
however." " 

" I will not answer for that," put in the captain, 
sending his leg forward in a straight line, in a way 


to raise an outcry in Bob, that almost upset the 
Leaplower's proposition. 

"At all events, gentlemen," he observed, "there 
is a test that will put the matter at rest, at once." 

He then desired us, in turn, to pronounce the 
word " our" " Our liberties" " our country" 
"our firesides" "our altars." Whoever expressed 
a wish to be naturalized, and could use this word 
in the proper manner, and in the proper place, was 
entitled to be a citizen. We all did very well but 
the second mate, who, being a Herefordshire man, 
could not, for the life of him, get any nearer to the 
Doric, in the latter shibboleth, than "our halters." 
Now, it would seem, that, in carrying out a great 
philanthropic principle in Leaplow, halters had 
been proscribed ; for, whenever a rogue did any 
thing amiss, it had been discovered that, instead 
of punishing him for the offence, the true way to 
remedy the evil was to punish the society against 
which he had offended. By this ingenious turn, 
society was naturally made to look out sharp how 
it permitted any one to offend it. This excellent 
idea is like that of certain Dutchmen, who, when 
they cut themselves with an axe, always apply salve 
and lint to the cruel steel, and leave the wound to 
heal as fast as possible. 

To return to our examination: we all passed but 
the second mate, who hung in his halter, and was 
pronounced to be incorrigible. Certificates of 
naturalization were delivered on the spot, the fees 
were paid, and the schooner left us. 

That night it blew a gale, and we had no more 
visitors until the following morning. As the sun 
rose, however, we fell in with three schooners, 
under the Leaplow flag, all of which seemed bound 
on errands of life or death. The first that reached 
us sent a boat on board, and a committee of six 


" bob-upon-bobs" hurried up our side, and lost no 
time in introducing themselves. I shall give their 
own account of their business and characters. 

It would seem that they were what is called a 
" nominating committee" of the Horizontals, for 
the city of Bivouac, the port to which we were 
bound, where an election was about to take place 
for members of the great National Council. Bi 
vouac was entitled to send seven members ; and 
having nominated themselves, the committee were 
now in quest of a seventh candidate to fill the va 
cancy. In order to secure the naturalized interests, 
it had been determined to select as new a comer 
as possible. This would also be maintaining the 
principle of liberality, in the abstract. For this 
reason they had been cruising for a week, as near 
as the law would allow to the Leaphigh bounda 
ries, and they were now ready to take any one 
who would serve. 

To this proposition I again objected the differ 
ence of species. Here they all fairly laughed in 
my face, Brigadier Downright included, giving me 
very distinctly to understand that they thought I had 
very contracted notions on matters and things, to 
suppose so trifling an obstacle could disturb the 
harmony and unity of a Horizontal vote. They 
went for a principle, and the devil himself could 
not make them swerve from the pursuit of so 
sacred an object. 

I then candidly admitted that nature had not 
fitted me, as admirably as it had fitted my friend 
the Judge, for the throwing of summersets ; and I 
feared that when the order was given "to go to the 
right about," I might be found no better than a 
bungler. This staggered them a little ; and I per 
ceived that they looked at each other, in doubt. 


" But you can, at least, turn round suddenly, at 
need ?" one of them asked, after a pause. 

" Certainly, sir," I answered, giving ocular evi 
dence that I was no idle boaster, making a com 
plete gyration on my heels, in very good time. 

" Very well ! admirably well !" they all cried 
in a breath. " The great political essential is to be 
able to perform the evolutions in their essence, 
the facility with which they are performed being 
no more than a personal merit." 

" But, gentlemen, I know little more of your 
constitution and laws, than I have learned in a 
few broken discussions with my fellow-travellers." 

" This is a matter of no moment, sir. Our con 
stitution, unlike that of Leaphigh, is written down, 
and he who runs can read ; and then we have a 
political fugleman in the house, who saves an im 
mense deal of unnecessary study and reflection to 
the members. All you will have to do, will be to 
watch his movements ; and, my life on it, you will 
go as well through the manual exercise as the 
oldest member there." 

" How, sir, do all the members take the mancEU- 
vres from this fugleman ?" 

" All the Horizontals, sir the Perpendiculars 
having a fugleman of their own." 

"Well, gentlemen, I conceive this to be an affair 
in which I am no judge, and I put myself entirely 
in the hands of my friends." 

This answer met with much commendation, and 
manifested, as they all protested, great political 
capabilities; the statesman who submitted all to 
his friends never failing to rise to eminence in 
Leaplow. The committee took my name in writ 
ing, and hastened back to their schooner, in order 
to get into port to promulgate the nomination. 
These persons were hardly off the deck, before 

VOL. II. 11 


another party came up the opposite side of the 
ship. They announced themselves to be a nomi 
nating committee of the Perpendiculars, on exactly 
the same errand as their opponents. They, too, 
wished to propitiate the foreign interests, and were 
in search of a proper candidate. Captain Poke 
had been an attentive listener to all that occurred 
during the circumstances that preceded my nomi 
nation; and he now stepped promptly forward, 
and declared his readiness to serve. As there wns 
quite as little squeamishness on one side as on tLo 
other, and the Perpendicular committee, as it 
owned itself, was greatly pressed for time, the 
Horizontals having the start of them, the affair 
was arranged in five minutes, and the strangers 
departed with the name of NOAH POKE, THE 
somely placarded on a large board all but the 
name having been carefully prepared in advance. 
When the committee was fairly out of the ship, 
Noah took me aside, and made his apologies for 
opposing me in this important election. His rea 
sons were numerous and ingenious, and, as usual, 
a little discursive. They might be summed up as 
follows: He never had sat in a parliament, and he 
was curious to know how it would feel ; it would 
increase the respect of the ship's company, to find 
their commander of so much account in a strange 
port ; he had had some experience at Stunin'tun 
by reading the newspapers, and he didn't doubt 
of his abilities at all, a circumstance that rarely 
failed of making a good legislator ; the Congress 
man in his part of the country was some such man 
as himself, and what was good for the goose was 
good for the gander; he knew Miss Poke would 
be pleased to hear he had been chosen ; he won- 


dered if he should be called the Honorable Noah 
Poke, and whether he should receive eight dollars 
a day, and mileage from the spot where the ship 
then was; the Perpendiculars might count on him, 
for his word was as good as his bond ; as for the 
constitution, he had got on under the constitution 
at home, and he believed a man who could do 
that might get on under any constitution; he didn't 
intend to say a great deal in parliament, but what 
he did say he hoped might be recorded for the use 
of his children ; together with a great deal more 
of the same sort of argumentation and apology. 

The third schooner now brought us to. This 
vessel sent another committee, who announced 
themselves to be the representatives of a party 
that was termed the Tangents. They were not 
numerous, but sufficiently so to hold the balance 
whenever the Horizontals and the Perpendiculars 
crossed each other directly at right angles, as was 
the case at present; and they had now determined 
to run a single candidate of their own. They, too, 
wished to fortify themselves by the foreign inte 
rest, as was natural, and had come out in quest 
of a proper person. I suggested the first mate ; but 
against this Noah protested, declaring that come 
what would, the ship must on no account be de 
serted. Time pressed; and, while the Captain and 
the subordinate were hotly disputing the propriety 
of permitting the latter to serve, Bob, who had 
already tasted the sweets of political importance, 
in his assumed character of Prince-Royal, stepped 
slyly up to the committee, and gave in his name. 
Noah was too much occupied to discover this 
well-managed movement ; and by the time he had 
sworn to throw the mate overboard if he did not 
instantly relinquish all ambitious projects of this 
nature, he found that the Tangents were off. Sup- 


posing they had gone to some other vessel, the 
Captain allowed himself to be soothed, and all 
went on smoothly again. 

From this time until we anchored in the bay 
of Bivouac, the tranquillity and discipline of the 
Walrus were undisturbed. I improved the occa 
sion to study the constitution of Leaplow, of which 
the Judge had a copy, and to glean such informa 
tion from my companions, as I believed might be 
useful in my future career. I thought how plea 
sant it would be for a foreigner to teach the Leap- 
lowers their own laws, and to explain to them the 
application of their own principles ! Little, how 
ever, was to be got from the Judge, who was just 
then too much occupied with some calculations 
concerning the chances of the little wheel, with 
which he had been furnished by a leading man of 
one of the nominating committees. 

I now questioned the Brigadier touching that 
peculiar usage of his country which rendered 
Leaphigh opinions concerning the Leaplow insti 
tutions, society and manners, of so much value in 
the market of the latter. To this I got but an in 
different answer, except it was to say, that his 
countrymen having cleared the interests connected 
with the subjects from the rubbish of time, and set 
everything at work, on the philosophical basis of 
reason and common sense, were exceedingly desi 
rous of knowing what other people thought of the 
success of the experiment. 

" I expect to see a nation of sages, I can assure 
you, Brigadier ; one in which even the very children 
are profoundly instructed in the great truths of 
your system ; and, as to the monikinas, I am not 
without dread of bringing my theoretical ignorance 
in collision with their great practical knowledge 
of the principles of your government." 


" They are early fed on political pap." 

" No doubt, sir, no doubt. How different must 
they be from the females of other countries! 
Deeply imbued with the great distinctive princi 
ples of your system, devoted to the education of 
their children in the same sublime truths, and inde 
fatigable in their discrimination, among the meanest 
of their households !" 

" Hum !" 

" Now, sir, even in England, a country which 
I trust is not the most debased on earth, you will 
find women, beautiful, intellectual, accomplished 
and patriotic, who limit their knowledge of these 
fundamental points to a zeal for a clique, and the 
whole of whose eloquence on great national ques 
tions is bounded by a few heartfelt wishes for the 
downfall of their opponents." 

" It is very much so at Stunin'tun,too, if truth must 
be spoken," remarked Noah, who had been a listener. 

" Who, instead of instructing the young suckers 
that cling to their sides in just notions of general, 
social distinctions, nurture their young antipathies 
with pettish philippics against some luckless chief 
of the adverse party." 

"'Tis pretty much the same at Stunin'tun, as I 
live !" 

" Who rarely study the great lessons of history 
in order to point out to the future statesmen and 
heroes of the empire the beacons of crime, the 
incentives for public virtue, or the charters of their 
liberties; but who are indefatigable in echoing 
the cry of the hour, however false or vulgar, and 
who humanize their attentive offspring by softly 
expressed wishes that Mr. Canning, or some other 
frustrator of the designs of their friends, 'were 
fairly hanged !' " 

" Stunin'tun, all over !" 


" Beings that are angels in form soft, gentle, 
refined, and tearful as the evening with its dews, 
when there is a question of humanity or suffering; 
but who seem strangely transformed into she- 
tigers, whenever any but those of whom they can 
approve attain to power ; and who, instead of en- 
tw T ining their soft arms around their husbands and 
brothers, to restrain them from the hot strife of 
opinions, cheer them on by their encouragement, 
and throw dirt with the volubility and wit of fish- 

" Miss Poke, to the back-bone !" 

" In short, sir, I expect to see an entirely dif 
ferent state of things at Leaplow. There, when 
a political adversary is bespattered with mud, 
your gentle monikinas, doubtless, appease anger 
by the mild soothings of philosophy, tempering 
zeal by wisdom, and regulating error by apt and 
unanswerable quotations from that great charter 
which is based on the eternal and immutable prin 
ciples of right." 

" Well, Sir John, if you speak in this elocution 
ary manner in the house," cried the delighted 
Noah, " I shall be shy of answering ! I doubt, now, 
if the Brigadier himself could repeat all you have 
just said." 

" I have forgotten to inquire, Mr. Downright, a 
little about your Leaplow constituency. The suf 
frage is, beyond question, confined to those mem 
bers of society who possess a ' social stake.' " 

"Certainly, Sir John. They who live and 

" Surely none vote but those who possess the 
money, and houses, and lands of the country ?" 

" Sir, you are altogether in error ; all vote who 
possess ears, and eyes, and noses, and bobs, and 
lives, and hopes, and wishes, and feelings, and 


wants. Wants we conceive to be a much truer 
test of political fidelity, than possessions." 

" This is novel doctrine, indeed ! but it is in 
direct hostility to the social-stake system." 

" You were never more right, Sir John, as 
respects your own theory, or never more wrong 
as respects the truth. In Leaplow we contend 
and contend justly that there is no broader or 
bolder fallacy than to say that a representation of 
mere effects, whether in houses, lands, merchan 
dise, or money, is a security for a good govern 
ment. Property is affected by measures ; and the 
more a monikin has, the greater is the bribe to 
induce him to consult his own interests, although 
it should be at the expense of those of everybody 

" But, sir, the interest of the community is com 
posed of the aggregate of these interests." 

" Your pardon, Sir John ; nothing is composed 
of it, but the aggregate of the interests of a class. 
If your government is instituted for their benefit 
only, your social-stake system is all well enough ; 
but if the object be the general good, you have no 
choice but to trust its custody to the general keep 
ing. Let us suppose two men since you happen 
to be a man, and not a monikin let us suppose 
two men perfectly equal in morals, intelligence, 
public virtue and patriotism, one of whom shall be 
rich and the other shall have nothing. A crisis 
arrives in the affairs of their common country, 
and both are called upon to exercise their fran 
chise, on a question as almost all great questions 
must that unavoidably will have some influence 
on property generally. Which would give the 
most impartial vote he who, of necessity, must 
be swayed by his personal interest, or he who has 
no inducement of the sort to go astray ?" 


"Certainly he who has nothing to influence 
him to go wrong. But the question is not fairly 
put " 

" Your pardon, Sir John, it is put fairly as an 
abstract question, and one that is to prove a prin 
ciple. I am glad to hear you say that a man 
would be apt to decide in this manner; for it shows 
his identity with a monikin. We hold that all 
of us are apt to think most of ourselves on such 

" My dear Brigadier, do not mistake sophistry 
for reason. Surely, if power belonged only to the 
poor, and the poor, or the comparatively poor, 
always compose the mass, they would exercise 
it in a way to strip the rich of their possessions." 

" We think not, in Leaplow. Cases might exist, 
in which such a state of things would occur under 
a reaction; but reactions imply abuses, and are 
not to be quoted to maintain a principle. He who 
was drunk yesterday, may need an unnatural sti 
mulus to-day; while he who is uniformly tempe 
rate preserves his proper tone of body without 
recourse to a remedy so dangerous. Such an ex 
periment, under a strong provocation, might possi 
bly be made ; but it could scarcely be made twice 
among any people, and not even once among a 
people that submits in season to a just division of 
its authority, since it is obviously destructive of a 
leading principle of civilization. According to our 
monikin histories, all the attacks upon property 
have been produced by property's grasping at 
more than fairly belongs to its immunities. If you 
make political power a concomitant of property, 
both may go together, certainly ; but if kept sepa 
rate, the danger to the latter will never exceed the 
danger in which it is put daily by the arts of the 


money-getters, who are, in truth, the greatest foes 
of property, as it belongs to others." 

I remembered Sir Joseph Job, and could not 
but admit that the Brigadier had, at least, some 
truth on his side. 

" But do you deny that the sentiment of proper 
ty elevates the mind, ennobles, and purifies ?" 

" Sir, I do not pretend to determine what may 
be the fact among men, but we hold among mom- 
kins, that 'the love of money is the root of all 
evil/ " 

" How, sir! do you account the education which 
is a consequence of property, as nothing?" 

" If you mean, my dear Sir John, that which pro 
perty is most apt to teach, we hold it to be selfish 
ness; but if you mean that he who has money, as a 
rule, will also have information to guide him aright, 
I must answer, that experience, which is worth a 
thousand theories, tells us differently. We find that 
on questions which are purely between those who 
have and those who have not, the haves are com 
monly united, and we think this would be the fact if 
they were as unschooled as bears; but on all other 
questions, they certainly do great discredit to edu 
cation, unless you admit that there are, in every 
case, two rights ; for, with us, the most highly edu 
cated generally take the two extremes of every 
argument. I state this to be the fact with moni- 
kins, you will remember doubtless, educated men 
agree much better." 

" But, my good Brigadier, if your position about 
the greater impartiality and independence of the 
elector who is not influenced by his private inte 
rests, be true, a country would do well to submit 
its elections to a body of foreign umpires." 

" It would indeed, Sir John, if it were certain 
these foreign umpires would not abuse the power 


to their own particular advantage, if they could 
have the feelings and sentiments which ennoble 
and purify a nation far more than money, and if 
it were possible they could thoroughly understand 
the character, habits, wants, and resources of an 
other people. As things are, therefore, we believe 
it is wisest to trust our own elections to ourselves 
not to a portion of ourselves but to all of our 

" Immigrunts included," put in the Captain. 

" Why, we do carry the principle well out in the 
case of gentlemen like yourselves,'* returned the 
Brigadier, politely; " but liberality is a virtue. As 
a principle, Sir John, your idea of referring the 
choice of our representatives to strangers, has more 
merit than you probably imagine, though, certain 
ly, impracticable, for the reasons already given. 
When we seek justice, we commonly look out for 
some impartial judge. Such a judge is unattainable, 
however, in the matter of the interests of a state, 
for the simple reason that power of this sort, per 
manently wielded, would be perverted on a prin 
ciple which, after a most scrupulous analysis, we 
have been compelled to admit is incorporated with 
the very monikin nature viz. selfishness. I make 
no manner of doubt that you men, however, are 
altogether superior to an influence so unworthy?" 

Here I could only borrow the use of the Briga 
dier's " Hum !" 

" Having ascertained that it would not do to 
submit the control of our affairs to utter strangers, 
or to those whose interests are not identified with 
our own, we set about seeing what could be done 
with a selection from among ourselves. Here we 
were again met by that same obstinate principle 
of selfishness ; and we were finally driven to take 


shelter in the experiment of intrusting the interests 
of all, to the management of all." 

"And, sir, are these the opinions of Leaphigh?" 

"Very far from it. The difference between 
Leaphigh and Leaplow is just this : the Leaphigh- 
ers, being an ancient people, with a thousand 
vested interests, are induced, as time improves the 
mind, to seek reasons for their facts; while we 
Leaplowers, being unshackled by any such re 
straints, have been able to make an effort to form 
our facts on our reasons." 

" Why do you, then, so much prize Leaphigh 
opinions on Leaplow facts ?" 

" Why does every little monikin believe his own 
father and mother to be just the two wisest, best, 
most virtuous, and discreetest old monikins in 
the whole world, until time, opportunity, and ex 
perience show him his error ?" 

"Do you make no exceptions, then, in your 
franchise, but admit every citizen who, as you say, 
has a nose, ears, bob and wants, to the exercise of 
the suffrage?" 

" Perhaps we are less scrupulous on this head 
than we ought to be, since we do not make igno 
rance and want of character bars to the privilege. 
Qualifications beyond mere birth and existence 
may be useful, but they are badly chosen w r hen 
they are brought to the test of purely material pos 
sessions. This practice has arisen in the world 
from the fact that they who had property had 
power, and not because they ought to have it." 

" My dear Brigadier, this is flying in the face 
of all experience." 

"For the reason just given, and because all 
experience has hitherto commenced at the wrong 
end. Society should be constructed as you erect 


a house ; not from the roof down, but from the 
foundation upward." 

" Admitting, however, that your house has been 
badly constructed at first, in repairing it, would 
you tear away the walls at random, at the risk 
of bringing all down about your ears ?" 

"I would first see that sufficient props were 
reared, and then proceed with vigor, though always 
with caution. Courage in such an experiment is 
less to be dreaded than timidity. Half the evils 
of life, social, personal and political, are as much 
the effects of moral cowardice as of fraud." 

I then told the Brigadier, that as his countrymen 
rejected the inducements of property in the selec 
tion of the political base of their social compact, I 
expected to find a capital substitute in virtue. 

" I have always heard that virtue is the great 
essential of a free people, and doubtless you Le'ap- 
lowers are perfect models in this important parti 

The Brigadier smiled, before he answered me ; 
first looking about, to the right and left, as if to 
regale himself with the odor of perfection. 

" Many theories have been broached on these 
subjects," he replied, " in which there has been 
some confusion between cause and effect. Virtue 
is no more a cause of freedom, except as it is con 
nected with intelligence, than vice is a cause of sla 
very. Both may be consequences, but it is not easy 
to say how either is necessarily a cause. There 
is a homely saying among us monikins, which is 
quite to the point in this matter : ' Set a rogue to 
catch a rogue.' Now, the essence of a free govern 
ment is to be found in the responsibility of its 
agents. He who governs without responsibility is 
a master, while he who discharges the duties of a 
functionary under a practical responsibility is a ser- 


vant. This is the only true test of governments, 
let them be mistified as they may in other respects. 
Responsibility to the mass of the nation is the cri 
terion of freedom. Now responsibility is the sub 
stitute for virtue in a politician, as discipline is the 
substitute for courage, in a soldier. An army of 
brave monikins without discipline, would be very 
apt to be worsted by an army of monikins of less 
natural spirit, with discipline. So a corps of origi 
nally virtuous politicians, without responsibility, 
would be very apt to do more selfish, lawless, and 
profligate acts, than a corps of less virtue, who 
were kept rigidly under the rod of responsibility. 
Unrestrained power is a great corrupter of virtue, 
of itself; while the liabilities of a restrained au 
thority are very apt to keep it in check. At least, 
such is the fact with us monikins men very pos 
sibly get along better." 

" Let me tell you, Mr. Downright, you are now 
uttering opinions that are diametrically opposed 
to those of the world, which considers virtue an 
indispensable ingredient in a republic." 

"The world meaning always the monikin 
world knows very little about real political liber 
ty, except as a theory. We of Leaplow are, in 
effect, the only people who have had much to do 
with it, and I am now telling you what is the result 
of my own observation, in my own country. If 
monikins were purely virtuous, there would be no 
necessity for government at all ; but, being what 
they are, we think it wisest to set them to watch 
each other." 

"But yours is self-government, which implies 
self-restraint ; and self-restraint is but another 
word for virtue." 

'* If the merit of our system depended on self- 
government, in your signification, or on self-re- 

VOL. II. 12 


straint, in any signification, it would not be worth 
the trouble of this argument, Sir John Goldencalf. 
This is one of those balmy fallacies with which ill- 
judging moralists endeavor to stimulate monikins 
to good deeds. Our government is based on a 
directly opposite principle ; that of watching and 
restraining each other, instead of trusting to our 
ability to restrain ourselves. It is the want of 
responsibility, and not its constant and active 
presence, which infers virtue and self-control. No 
one would willingly lay legal restraints on himself, 
in any thing, while all are very happy to restrain 
their neighbors. This refers to the positive and 
necessary rules of intercourse, and the establish 
ment of rights; as to mere morality, laws do very 
little towards enforcing its ordinances. Morals 
usually come of instruction; and when all have poli 
tical power, instruction is a security that all desire." 

" But when all vote, all may wish to abuse their 
trust to their own especial advantage, and a poli 
tical chaos would be the consequence." 

" Such a result is impossible, except as especial 
advantage is identified with general advantage. A 
community can no more buy itself in this manner, 
than a monikin can eat himself, let him be as rave 
nous as he will. Admitting that all are rogues, 
necessity would compel a compromise." 

" You make out a plausible theory, and I have 
little doubt that I shall find you the wisest, the 
most logical, the discreetest, and the most consist 
ent community I have yet visited. But another 
word : How is it that our friend the Judge gave 
such very equivocal instructions to his charge; 
and why, in particular, did he lay so much stress 
on the employment of means, which give the lie 
flatly to all you have here told me?" 

Brigadier Downright hereupon stroked his chin, 


and observed that he thought there might possibly 
be a shift of wind ; and he also wondered quite 
audibly, when we should make the land. I after 
wards persuaded him to allow that a monikin was 
but a monikin, after all, whether he had the advan 
tages of universal suffrage, or lived under a despot. 


An arrival An election Architecture A rolling-pin, and 
Patriotism of the most approved water. 

IN due time the coast of Leaplow made its 
appearance, close under our larboard bow. So 
sudden was our arrival in this novel and extraor 
dinary country, that we were very near running 
on it, before we got a glimpse of its shores. The 
seamanship of Captain Poke, however, stood us in 
hand ; and, by the aid of a very clever pilot, we 
were soon safely moored in the harbor of Bivouac. 
In this happy land, there was no registration, no 
passports, " no nothin' " as Mr. Poke pointedly 
expressed it. The formalities were soon observed, 
although I had occasion to remark, how much 
easier, after all, it is to get along in this world 
with vice than with virtue. A bribe offered to a 
custom-house officer was refused; and the only 
trouble I had, on the occasion, arose from this 
awkward obtrusion of a conscience. However, 
the difficulty was overcome, though not quite as 
soon or as easily as if douceurs had happened to 
be in fashion ; and we were permitted to land with 
all our necessary effects. 


The city of Bivouac presented a singular aspect, 
as I first put foot within its hallowed streets. 
The houses were all covered with large placards, 
which, at first, I took to be lists of the wares to be 
vended, for the place is notoriously commercial; 
but which, on examination, I soon discovered were 
merely electioneering handbills. The reader will 
figure to himself my pleasure and surprise, on read 
ing the first that offered. It ran as follows : 


Horizontal-Systematic-Endoctrinated-Republicans, Attention ! 
Your sacred rights are in danger ; your dearest liberties are 
menaced ; your wives and children are on the point of disso 
lution; the infamous and unconstitutional position that the 
sun gives light by day, and the moon by night, is openly and 
impudently propagated, and now is the only occasion that 
will probably ever offer to arrest an error so pregnant with 
deception and domestic evils. We present to your notice a 
suitable defender of all these near and dear interests, in the 
person of 


The known patriot, the approved legislator, the profound phi 
losopher, the incorruptible statesman. To our adopted fellow- 
citizens we need not recommend Mr. Goldencalf, for he is 
truly one of themselves ; to the native citizens we will only 
say, " Try him, and you will be more than satisfied." 

I found this placard of great use, for it gave me 
the first information I had yet had of the duty I 
was expected to perform in the coming session of 
the Great Council ; which was merely to demon 
strate that the moon gave light by day, and that 
the sun gave light by night. Of course, I imme 
diately set about, in my own mind, hunting up 
the proper arguments by which this grave political 

THE MON1K1NS. 137 

hypothesis was to be properly maintained. The 
next placard was in favor of 


The experienced navigator, who will conduct the ship of 
state into the haven of prosperity the practical astronomer, 
who knows by frequent observations, that Lunars are not 
to be got in the dark. 

Perpendiculars, be plumb, and lay your enemies on their 

After this, I fell in with- 


Is confidently recommended to all their fellow-citizens by 
the nominating committee of the Anti-Approved-Sublimated- 
Politico-Tangents, as the real gentleman, a ripe scholar,* an 
enlightened politician, and a sound democrat. 

But I should fill the manuscript with nothing 
else, were I to record a tithe of the commendations 
and abuse that were heaped on us all, by a com 
munity to whom, as yet, we were absolutely stran 
gers. A single sample of the latter shall suffice. 


Personally appeared before me, John Equity, Justice of the 
Peace, Peter Veracious, &c. &c., who, being duly sworn 
upon the Holy Evangelists, doth depose and say, viz. That he 
was intimately acquainted with one John Goldencalf in his 
native country, and that he is personally knowing to the fact 
that he, the said John Goldencalf, has three wives, seven 
illegitimate children, is moreover a bankrupt without charac 
ter, and that he was obliged to emigrate in consequence of 
having stolen a sheep. 

Sworn, &c. 


* I afterwards found this was a common phrase in Leaplow, 
being uniformly applied to every monikin who wore spectacles. 


I naturally felt a little indignant at this impudent 
statement, and was about to call upon the first 
passer-by for the address of Mr. Veracious, when 
the skirts of my skin were seized by one of the 
Horizontal nominating committee, and I was co 
vered with congratulations on my being happily 
elected. Success is an admirable plaster for all 
wounds, and I really forgot to have the affair of 
the sheep and of the illegitimate children inquired 
into; although I still protest, that had fortune been 
less propitious, the rascal who promulgated this 
calumny would have been made to smart for his 
temerity. In less than five minutes it was the turn 
of Captain Poke. He, too, was congratulated in 
due form ; for, as it appeared, the " immigrunt 
interest," as Noah termed it, had actually carried 
a candidate on each of the two great opposing 
tickets. Thus far, all was well; for, after snaring 
his mess so long, I had not the smallest objection 
to sit in the Leaplow parliament with the worthy 
sealer; but our mutual surprise and, I believe I 
might add, indignation, were a good deal excited, 
by shortly encountering a walking notice, which 
contained a programme of the proceedings to be 
observed at the " Reception of the Honorable Ro 
bert Smut." 

It would seem that the Horizontals and the Per 
pendiculars had made so many spurious and mis- 
tified ballots, in order to propitiate the Tangents, 
and to cheat each other, that this young blackguard 
actually stood at the head of the poll ! a political 
phenomenon, as I subsequently discovered, how 
ever, by no means of rare occurrence in the Leap- 
low history of the periodical selection of the wisest 
and best. 

There was certainly an accumulation of interest 
on arriving in a strange land, to find oneself both 


extolled and vituperated on most of the corners of 
its capital, and to be elected to its parliament, all in 
the same day. Still, I did not permit myself to be 
either so much elated or so much depressed, as 
not to have all my eyes about me, in order to 
get as correctly as possible, and as quickly as pos 
sible, some insight into the characters, tastes, habits, 
wishes and wants of my constituents. 

I have already declared that it is my intention 
to dwell chiefly on the moral excellencies and 
peculiarities of the people of the monikin world. 
Still I could not walk through the streets of Bi 
vouac without observing a few physical usages, 
that I shall mention, because they have an evident 
connexion with the state of society, and the histo 
rical recollections of this interesting portion of the 
polar region. 

In the first place, I remarked that all sorts of 
quadrupeds are just as much at home in the pro 
menades of the town, as the inhabitants themselves, 
a fact that I make no doubt has some very proper 
connexion with that principle of equal rights, on 
which the institutions of the country are established. 
In the second place, I could not but see that their 
dwellings are constructed on the very minimum 
of base, propping each other, as emblematic of the 
mutual support obtained by the republican system, 
and seeking their development in height, for the 
want of breadth ; a singularity of customs that I 
did not hesitate at once to refer to a usage of 
living in trees, at an epocha not very remote. In 
the third place, I noted, instead of entering their 
dwellings near the ground, like men, and indeed 
like most other unfledged animals, that they ascend 
by means of external steps, to an aperture about 
half-way between the roof and the earth, where, 
having obtained admission, they go up or down, 

140 THE MON1K15S. 

within the building, as occasion requires. This 
usage, I made no question, was preserved from 
the period, and that, too, no distant one, when the 
savage condition of the country induced them to 
seek protection against the ravages of wild beasts, 
by having recourse to ladders, which were drawn 
up after the family, into the top of the tree, as the 
sun sunk beneath the horizon. These steps or lad 
ders are generally made of some white material, 
in order that they may, even now, be found in the 
dark, should the danger be urgent ; although I do 
not know that Bivouac is a more disorderly or 
unsafe town than another, in the present day. But 
habits linger in the usages of a people, and are 
often found to exist as fashions, long after the motive 
of their origin has ceased and been forgotten. As 
a proof of this, many of the dwellings of Bivouac 
have still enormous iron chevaux-de-frise before 
the doors, and near the base of the stone-ladders ; 
a practice unquestionably taken from the original, 
unsophisticated, domestic defences of this wary 
and enterprising race. Among a great many of 
these chevaux-de-frise, I remarked certain iron 
images, that resemble the kings of chess-men, 
and which I took, at first, to be symbols of the cal 
culating qualities of the owners of the mansions, a 
species of republican heraldry; but which the Bri 
gadier told me, on inquiry, were no more than a 
fashion that had descended from the custom of 
having stuffed images before the doors, in the 
early days of the settlement, to frighten away the 
beasts at night, precisely as we station scare 
crows in a corn-field. Two of these well-padded 
sentinels, with a stick stuck up in a firelock-atti 
tude, he assured me, had often been known to main 
tain a siege of a week, against a she-bear and a 
numerous family of hungry cubs, in the olden 


times; and, now that the danger was gone, he 
presumed the families which had caused these 
iron monuments to be erected, had done so to re 
cord some marvellous risks of this- nature, from 
which their forefathers had escaped by means of 
so ingenious an expedient. 

Everything in Bivouac bears the impress of the 
sublime principle of the institutions. The houses 
of the private citizens, for instance, overtop the 
roofs of all the public edifices, to show that the 
public is merely a servant of the citizen. Even 
the churches have this peculiarity, proving that 
the road to heaven is not independent of the popu 
lar will. The great Hall of Justice, an edifice of 
which the Bivouackers are exceedingly proud, is 
constructed in the same recumbent style, the archi 
tect, with a view to protect himself from the 
imputation of believing that the firmament was 
within reach of his hand, having taken the precau 
tion to run up a wooden finger-board from the 
centre of the building, which points to the place 
where, according to the notions of all other people, 
the ridge of the roof itself should have been raised. 
So very apparent was this peculiarity, Noah ob 
served that it seemed to him as if the whole 
" 'arth" had been rolled down by a great political 
rolling-pin, by way of giving the country its finish 
ing touch. 

While making these remarks, one drew near at 
a brisk trot, who, Mr. Downright observed, eagerly 
desired our acquaintance. Surprised at his pre 
tending to know such a fact without any previous 
communication, I took the liberty of asking why 
he thought that we were the particular objects of 
the other's haste. 

" Simply because you are fresh arrivals. This 
person is one of a sufficiently numerous class 


among us, who, devoured by a small ambition, 
seek notoriety which, by the way, they are 
near obtaining in more respects than they proba 
bly desire by obtruding themselves on every 
stranger who touches our shore. Theirs is not a 
generous and frank hospitality that would fain 
serve others, but an irritable vanity that would 
glorify themselves. The liberal and enlightened 
monikin is easily to be distinguished from all of 
this clique. He is neither ashamed of, nor bigoted 
in favor of any usages, simply because they are 
domestic. With him the criterions of merit are 
propriety, taste, expediency and fitness. He dis 
tinguishes, while these crave ; he neither wholly 
rejects, nor wholly lives by, imitation, but judges 
for himself, and uses his experience as a respect 
able and useful guide ; while these think that all 
they can attain that is beyond the reach of their 
neighbors, is, as a matter of course, the sole aim 
of life. Strangers they seek, because they have 
long since decreed that this country, with its 
usages, its people, and all it contains, being found 
ed on popular rights, is all that is debased and vul 
gar, themselves and a few of their own particular 
friends excepted ; and they are never so happy as 
when they are gloating on, and basking in, the 
secondary refinements of what we call the ' Old 
Region.' Their own attainments, however, being 
pretty much God-sends, or such as we all pick up 
in our daily intercourse, they know nothing of any 
foreign country but Leaphigh, whose language we 
happen to speak; and, as Leaphigh is also the very 
beau ideal of exclusion, in its usages, opinions and 
laws, they deem all who come from that part of 
the earth, as rather more entitled to their profound 
homage than any other strangers." 

Here Judge People's Friend, who had been vigor- 


ously pumping the nominating committee on the 
subject of the chances of the little wheel, suddenly 
left us, with a sneaking, self-abased air, and with 
his nose to the ground, like a dog who has just 
caught a fresh scent. 

The next time we met the ex-envoy, he was in 
mourning for some political backsliding that I 
never comprehended. He had submitted to a 
fresh amputation of the bob, and had so thorough 
ly humbled the seat of reason, that it was not 
possible for the most envious and malignant dispo 
sition to fancy he had a particle of brains left. 
He had, moreover, caused every hair to be shaved 
off his body, which was as naked as the hand, 
and altogether he presented an edifying picture 
of penitence and self-abasement. I afterwards 
understood that this purification was considered 
perfectly satisfactory, and that he was thought to 
be, again, within the limits of the most Patriotic 

In the mean time the Bivouacker had approach 
ed me, and was introduced as Mr. Gilded Wriggle. 

" Count Poke de Stunin'tun, my good sir," said 
the Brigadier, who was the master of ceremonies 
on this occasion, "and the Mogul Goldencalf 
both noblemen of ancient lineage, admirable privi 
leges, and of the purest water ; gentlemen, who, 
when they are at home, have six dinners daily, 
always sleep on diamonds, and whose castles are 
none of them less than six leagues in extent." 

"My friend General Downright has taken too 
much pains, gentlemen," interrupted our new ac 
quaintance, " your rank and extraction being self- 
evident. Welcome to Leaplow ! I beg you will 
make free with my house, my dog, my cat, my 
horse, and myself. I particularly beg that your 
first, your last, and all the intermediate visits, will 


be to me. Well, Mogul, what do you really think 
of us ? You have now been on shore long enough 
to have formed a pretty accurate notion of our 
institutions and habits. I beg you will not judge 
of all of us by what you see in the streets " 

" It is not my intention, sir." 

" You are cautious, I perceive ! We are in an 
awful condition, I confess; trampled on by the 
vulgar, and far very far from being the people 
that, I dare say, you expected to see. I couldn't 
be made the assistant alderman of my ward, if I 
wished it, sir; too much jacobinism the people 
are fools, sir; know nothing, sir; not fit to rule 
themselves, much less their betters, sir here have 
a set of us, some hundreds in this very town, been 
telling them what fools they are, how unfit they 
are to manage their own affairs, and how fast 
they are going to the devil, any time these twenty 
years, and still we have not yet persuaded them to 
intrust one of us with authority ! To say the truth, 
we are in a most miserable condition; and if any 
thing could ruin this country, democracy would 
have ruined it, just thirty-five years ago." 

Here the waitings of Mr. Wriggle were inter 
rupted by the wailings of Count Poke de Stunin'- 
tun. The latter, by gazing in admiration at the 
speaker, had inadvertently struck his toe against 
one of the forty-three thousand seven hundred and 
sixty inequalities of the pavement, (for everything 
in Leaplow is exactly equal, except the streets and 
highways,) and fallen forward on his nose. I have 
already had occasion to allude to the sealer's rea 
diness in using opprobrious epithets. This contre- 
tems happened in the principal street of Bivouac, 
or in what is called the Wide-path, an avenue of 
more than a league in extent; but, notwithstanding 
its great length, Noah took it up at one end and 


abused it all the way to the other, with a preci 
sion, fidelity, rapidity and point, that excited gene 
ral admiration. " It was the dirtiest, worst paved, 
meanest, vilest street he had ever seen, and if they 
had it at Stunin'tun, instead of using it as a street 
at all, they would fence it up at each end, and turn 
it into a hog-lot." Here Brigadier Downright 
betrayed unequivocal signs of alarm. Drawing us 
aside, he vehemently demanded of the Captain, if 
he were mad, to berate in this unheard-of manner, 
the touchstone of Bivouac sentiment, nationality, 
taste and elegance! This street was never spoken 
of except by the use of superlatives; a usage, by the 
way, that Noah himself had by no means neglected. 
It was commonly thought to be the longest and 
the shortest, the widest and the narrowest, the 
best built and the worst built avenue in the uni 
verse. " Whatever you say or do," he continued, 
" whatever you think or believe, never deny the 
superlatives of the Wide-path. If asked if you ever 
saw a street so crowded, although there be room 
to wheel a regiment, swear it is stifling; if required 
to name another promenade so free from interrup 
tion, protest by your soul, that the place is a des 
ert ! Say what you will of the institutions of the 
country " 

" How !" I exclaimed ; " of the sacred rights of 
monikins !" 

"Bedaub them, and the mass of the monikins, 
too, with just as much filth as you please. Indeed, 
if you wish to circulate freely in genteel society, I 
would advise you to get a pretty free use of the 
words * jacobins,' ' rabble,' ' mob,' * agrarians,' 
'canatilej and 'democrats;' for they recommend 
many to notice who possess nothing else. In our 
happy and independent country, it is a sure sign 
of lofty sentiments, a finished education, a regu- 

VOL, II. 13 


lated intellect, and a genteel intercourse, to know 
how to bespatter all that portion of your fellow- 
creatures, for iastance, who live in one-story edi 

"I find all this very extraordinary, your govern 
ment being professedly a government of the mass !" 

" You have intuitively discovered the reason 
is it not fashionable to abuse the government every 
where? Whatever you do, *in genteel life, ought 
to be based on liberal and elevated principles; and, 
therefore, abuse all that is animate in Leaplow, the 
present company, with their relatives and quadru 
peds, excepted; but do not raise your blaspheming 
tongues against anything that is inanimate ! Re 
spect, I entreat of you, the houses, the trees, the 
rivers, the mountains, and, above all, in Bivouac, 
respect the Wide-path ! We are a people of lively 
sensibilities, and are tender of the reputations of 
even our stocks and stones. Even the Leaplow 
philosophers are all of a mind on this subject." 

" King !" 

" Can you account for this very extraordinary 
peculiarity, Brigadier ?" 

" Surely you cannot be ignorant that all which 
is property is sacred ! We have a great respect 
for property, sir, and do not like to hear our wares 
underrated. But lay it on the mass so much the 
harder, and you will only be thought to be in pos 
session of a superior and a refined intelligence." 

Here we turned again to Mr. Wriggle, who 
was dying to be noticed once more. 

"Ah! gentlemen, last from Leaphigh !" he had 
been questioning one of our attendants "How 
comes on that great and consistent people ?" 

"As usual, sir; great and consistent." 

"I think, however, we are quite their equals, 
eh? Chips of the same blocks?" 

THJS MOtflKINS* 147 

" No, sir, blocks of the same chips." 

Mr. Wriggle laughed, and appeared pleased 
with the compliment ; and I wished I had even 
laid it on a little thicker. 

" Well, Mogul, what are our great forefathers 
about? Still pulling to pieces that sublime fabric 
of a constitution, which has so long been the won 
der of the world, and my especial admiration ?" 

" They are talking of changes, sir, although I 
believe they have effected no great matter. The 
Primate of all Leaphigh, I had occasion to remark, 
still has seven joints to his tail." 

" Ah ! they are a wonderful people, sir !" said 
Wriggle, looking ruefully at his own bob, which, 
as I afterwards understood, was a mere natural 
abortion. " I detest change, sir ; were I a Leap- 
higher, I would die in my tail !" 

" One for whom Nature has done so much in 
this way, is to be excused a little enthusiasm." 

" A most miraculous people, sir the wonder of 
the world and their institutions are the greatest 
prodigy of the times !" 

" That is well remarked, Wriggle," put in the 
Brigadier; "for they have been tinkering them, 
and altering them, any time these five hundred and 
fifty years, and still they remain precisely the 
same !" 

" Very true, Brigadier, very true the marvel 
of our times ! But, gentlemen, what do you indeed 
think of us ? I shall not let you off with generali 
ties. You have now been long enough on shore 
to have formed some pretty distinct notions about 
us, and I confess I should be glad to hear them. 
Speak the truth with candor are we not most 
miserable, forlorn, disreputable devils, after all ?" 

I disclaimed the ability to judge of the social 
condition of a people on so short an acquaintance,' 


but to this Mr. Wriggle would not listen. He in 
sisted that I must have been particularly disgusted 
with the coarseness and want of refinement in the 
rabble, as he called the mass, who, by the way, 
had already struck me as being relatively much 
the better part of the population, so far as I had 
seen things ! more than commonly decent, quiet 
and civil. Mr. Wriggle, also, very earnestly and 
piteously begged I would not judge of the whole 
country by such samples as I might happen to fall 
in with in the highways. 

" I trust, Mogul, you will have charity enough 
to believe we are not all of us quite as bad as ap 
pearances, no doubt, make us in your polished 
eyes. These rude beings are spoiled by our Jaco 
binical laws; but we have a class, sir, that is dif 
ferent. But, if you will not touch on the people, 
how do you like the town, sir ? A poor place, no 
doubt, after your own ancient capitals?" 

" Time will remedy all that, Mr. Wriggle." 

" Do you then think we really want time ! 
now, that house at the corner, there, to my taste 
is fit for a gentleman in any country eh ?" 

" No doubt, sir ; fit for one." 

" This is but a poor street in the eyes of you 
travellers, I know, this Wide-path of ours; though 
we think it rather sublime ?" 

" You do yourself injustice, Mr. Wriggle 
though not equal to many of the " 

" How, sir, the Wide-path not equal to anything 
on earth ! I know several people who have been 
in the old world" so the Leaplowers call the 
region of Leaphigh, Leapup, Leapdown, &c. 
" and they swear there is not as fine a street in 
any part of it. I have not had the good fortune 
to travel, sir ; but, sir, permit me, sir, to say, sir, 
that some of them, sir, that have travelled, sir, 


think, sir, the Wide-path, sir, the most magnificent 
public avenue, sir, that their experienced eyes 
ever beheld, sir yes, sir, that their very expe 
rienced eyes ever beheld, sir.'* 

" I have seen so little of it, as yet, Mr. Wriggle, 
that you will pardon me if I have spoken hastily." 

" Oh ! no offence I despise the monikin who is 
not above local vanities and provincial admira 
tion ! You ought to have seen that, sir, for I 
frankly admit, sir, that no rabble can be worse 
than ours, and that we are all going to the devil, 
as fast as ever we can. No, sir, a most miserable 
rabble, sir. But as for this street, and our houses, 
and our cats, and our dogs, and certain excep 
tions you understand me, sir it is quite a differ 
ent thing. Pray, Mogul, who is the greatest per 
sonage, now, in your nation ?" 

" Perhaps I ought to say the Duke of Welling 
ton, sir." 

" Well, sir, allow me to ask if he lives in a bet 
ter house than that before us 1 I see you are de 
lighted, eh ! We are a poor, new nation of pitiful 
traders, sir, half savage, as everybody knows; but 
we do flatter ourselves that we know how to build 
a house! Will you just step in and see a new 
sofa that its owner bought only yesterday I know 
him intimately, and nothing gives him so much 
pleasure as to show his new sofa." 

I declined the invitation on the plea of fatigue, 
and by this means got rid of so troublesome an 
acquaintance. On leaving me, however, he begged 
that I would not fail to make his house my home, 
swore terribly at the rabble, and invited me to 
admire a very ordinary view that was to be 
obtained by looking up the Wide-path in a particu 
lar direction, but which embraced his own abode. 
When Mr. Wriggle was fairly out of ear-shot, I 

150 THE MOMK1N6. 

demanded of the Brigadier if Bivouac, or Leap- 
low, contained many such prodigies. 

" Enough to make themselves very troublesome, 
and us ridiculous," returned Mr. Downright. 
" We are a young nation, Sir John, covering a 
great surface, with a comparatively small popula 
tion, and, as you are aware, separated from the 
older parts of the monikin region by a belt of 
ocean. In some respects we are like people in the 
country, and we possess the merits and failings 
of those who are so situated. Perhaps no nation 
has a larger share of reflecting and essentially 
respectable inhabitants than Leaplow; but, not 
satisfied with being what circumstances so admi 
rably fit them to be, there is a clique among us, 
who', influenced by the greater authority of older 
nations, pine to be that which neither nature, edu 
cation, manners nor facilities will just yet allow 
them to become. In short, sir, we have the beset 
ting sin of a young community imitation. In our 
case the imitation is not always happy, either; it 
being necessarily an imitation that is founded on 
descriptions. If the evil were limited to mere 
social absurdities, it might be laughed at but 
that inherent desire of distinction, which is the 
most morbid and irritable, unhappily, in the minds 
of those who are the least able to attain anything 
more than a very vulgar notoriety, is just as active 
here, as it is elsewhere; and some who have got 
wealth, and and w r ho can never get more than 
what is purely dependent on wealth, affect to des 
pise those who are not as fortunate as themselves 
in this particular. In their longings for pre-emi 
nence, they turn to other states Leaphigh more 
especially, which is the beau ideal of all nations 
and people, who wish to set up a caste in opposition 
to despotism for rules of thought, and declaim 



against that very mass which is at the bottom of 
all their prosperity, by obstinately refusing to allow 
of any essential innovation on the common rights. 
In addition to these social pretenders, we have our 
political Endoctrinated." 

"Endoctrinated! Will you explain the meaning 
of the term ?" 

" Sir, an Endoctrinated is one of a political 
school who holds to the validity of certain theories 
which have been made to justify a set of adventi 
tious facts, as is eminently the case in our own 
great model, Leaphigh. We are peculiarly placed 
in this country. Here, as a rule, facts meaning 
political and social facts are greatly in advance 
of opinion, simply because the former are left 
chiefly to their own free action, and the latter is 
necessarily trammelled by habit and prejudice; 
while in the * old-region' opinion, as a rule, and 
meaning the leading or better opinion, is greatly 
in advance of facts, because facts are restrained 
by usage and personal interests, and opinion is 
incited by study, and the necessity of change." 

"Permit me to say, Brigadier, that I find your 
present institutions a remarkable result to follow 
such a state of things." 

" They are a cause, rather than a consequence. 
Opinion, as a whole, is everywhere on the advance; 
and it is further advanced, even here, as a whole, 
than anywhere else. Accident has favored the 
foundation of the social compact; and once found 
ed, the facts have been hastening to their consum 
mation faster than the monikin mind has been able 
to keep company with them. This is a remarka 
ble but true state of the whole region. In other 
monikin countries, you see opinion tugging at root 
ed practices, and making desperate efforts to eradi 
cate them from their bed of vested interests, while 


here you see facts dragging opinion after them like 
a tail wriggling behind a kite.* As to our purely 
social imitation and social follies, absurd as they 
are, they are necessarily confined to a small and an 
immaterial class ; but the Endoclrinated spirit is a 
much more serious affair. That unsettles confi 
dence, innovates on the right, often innocently and 
ignorantly, and causes the vessel of state to sail 
like a ship with a drag towing in her wake." 

" This is truly a novel condition for an enlight 
ened monikin nation !" 

"No doubt, men manage better; but of all this 
you will learn more in the Great Council. You 
may, perhaps, think it strange that our facts 
should preserve their ascendency in opposition to 
so powerful a foe as opinion ; but you will remem 
ber that a great majority of our people, if not abso 
lutely on a level with circumstances, being purely 
practical, are much nearer to this level, than the 
class termed the Endoctrinated. The last are trou 
blesome and delusive, rather than overwhelming." 

" To return to Mr. Wriggle is his sect nume 
rous ?" 

" His class flourishes most in the towns. In 
Leaplow we are greatly in want of a capital, where 
the cultivated, educated, and well-mannered can 
assemble, and, placed by their habits and tastes 

* One would think that Brigadier Downright had lately paid 
a visit to our own happy and much enlightened land. Fifty 
years since, the negro was a slave in New- York, and incapa 
ble of contracting marriage with a white. Facts ha\e, how 
ever, been progressive; and, from one privilege to another, 
he has at length obtained that of consulting his own tastes in 
this matter, and, so far as he himself is concerned, of doing 
as he pleases. This is the fact ; but he who presumes to 
speak of it, has his windows broken by opinion, for his pains ! 

Note by the Editor. 


above the ordinary motives and feelings of the less 
instructed, they might form a more healthful, inde 
pendent, appropriate, and manly public sentiment 
than that which now pervades the country. As 
things are, the real elite of this community are so 
scattered, as rather to receive an impression from, 
than to impart one to society. The Leaplow Wrig 
gles, as you have just witnessed, are selfish and 
exacting as to their personal pretensions, irritably 
confident as to the merit of any particular excel 
lence which limits their own experience, and furi 
ously proscribing to those whom they fancy less 
fortunate than themselves." 

" Good Heavens ! Brigadier all this is exces 
sively human !" 

"Ah ! it is is it? Well, this is certainly the way 
with us monikins. Our Wriggles are ashamed of 
exactly that portion of our population of which 
they have most reason to be proud, viz. the mass ; 
and they are proud of precisely that portion of 
which they have most reason to be ashamed, viz. 
themselves. But plenty of opportunities will offer 
to look farther into this ; and we will now hasten to 
the inn." 

As the Brigadier appeared to chafe under the 
subject, I remained silent, following him as fast as 
I could, but keeping my eyes open, the reader may 
be very sure, as we went along. There was one 
peculiarity I could not but remark in this singular 
town. It was this : all the houses were smeared 
over with some coloured earth, and then, after all 
this pains had been taken to cover the material, an 
artist was employed to make white marks around 
every separate particle of the fabric, (and they 
were in millions,) which ingenious particularity 
gives the dwellings a most agreeable air of detail, 
imparting to the architecture, in general, a sublimity 


that is based on the multiplication table. If to 
this be added the black of the chevaux-de-frise, the 
white of the entrance-ladders, and a sort of stand 
ing-collar to the whole, immediately under the 
eaves, of some very dazzling hue, the effect is not 
unlike that of a platoon of drummers, in scarlet 
coats, cotton lace, and cuffs and capes of white. 
What renders the similitude more striking, is the 
fact that no two of the same platoon appear to be 
exactly of a size, as is very apt to be the case with 
your votaries in military music. 


A fundamental principle, a fundamental law, and a funda 
mental error. 

THE people of Leaplow are remarkable for the 
deliberation of their acts, the moderation of their 
views, and the accumulation of their wisdom. As 
a matter of course, such a people is never in an 
indecent haste. Although I had now been legally 
naturalized, and regularly elected to the Great 
Council fully twenty-four hours, three entire days 
were allowed for the study of the institutions, and 
to become acquainted with the genius of a nation 
who, according to their own account of the mat 
ter, have no parallel in heaven or earth, or in the 
waters under the earth, before I was called upon 
to exercise my novel and important functions. I 
profited by the delay, and shall seize a favorable 
moment to make the reader acquainted with some 
of my acquisitions on this interesting topic. 

The institutions of Leaplow are divided into two 
great moral categories, viz. the legal, and the sub- 
stitutive. The former embraces the provisions of 


the great elementary, and the latter all the provi 
sions of the great alimentary principle. The first, 
accordingly, is limited by the constitution, or the 
Great National Allegory, while the last is limited 
by nothing but practice; one contains the proposi 
tion, and the other its deductions ; this is all hypo 
thesis, that, all corollary. The two great political 
land-marks, the two public opinions, the bob-upon- 
bobs, the rotatory action, and the great and little 
wheels, are merely inferential ; and I shall, there 
fore, say nothing about them in my present treatise, 
which has a strict relation only to the fundamental 
law of the land, or to the Great and Sacred Na 
tional Allegory. 

It has been already stated that Leaplow was ori 
ginally a scion of Leaphigh. The political separation 
took place in the last generation, when the Leap- 
lowers publicly renounced Leaphigh and all it con 
tained, just as your catechumen is made to renounce 
the devil and all his works. This renunciation, 
which is also sometimes called the denunciation, 
was much more to the liking of Leaplow than to 
that of Leaphigh ; and a long and sanguinary war 
was the consequence. The Leaplowers, after a 
smart struggle, however, prevailed in their firm 
determination to have no more to do with Leap- 
high. The sequel will show how far they were 

Even preceding the struggle, so active was the 
sentiment of patriotism and independence, that the 
citizens of Leaplow, though ill-provided with the 
productions of their own industry, proudly resort 
ed to the self-denial of refusing to import even a 
pin from the mother country, actually preferring 
nakedness to submission. They even solemnly voted 
that their venerable progenitor, instead of being, as 
she clearly ought to have been, a fond, protecting 


and indulgent parent, was, in truth, no other than 
a rapacious, vindictive and tyrannical step-mother. 
This was the opinion, it will be remembered, when 
the two communities were legally united, had but 
one head, wore clothes, and necessarily pursued a 
multitude of their interests in common. 

By the lucky termination of the war, all this was 
radically changed. Leaplow pointed her thumb 
at Leaphigh, and declared her intention henceforth 
to manage her own affairs in her own way. In 
order to do this the more effectually, and, at the 
same time, to throw dirt into the countenance of 
her late step-mother, she determined that her own 
polity should run so near a parallel, and yet should 
be so obviously an improvement on that of Leap- 
high, as to demonstrate the imperfections of the 
latter to the most superficial observer. That this 
patriotic resolution was faithfully carried out in 
practice, I am now about to demonstrate. 

In Leaphigh, the old human principle had long 
prevailed, that political authority came from God ; 
though why such a theory should ever have pre 
vailed anywhere, as Mr. Downright once expressed 
it, I cannot see, the devil very evidently having a 
greater agency in its exercise than any other influ 
ence, or intelligence, whatever. However, the jus 
divinum was the regulator of the Leaphigh social 
compact, until the nobility managed to get the bet 
ter of the jus, when the divinum was left to shift 
for itself. It was at this epocha the present con 
stitution found its birth. Any one may have ob 
served that one stick placed on end will fall, as a 
matter of course, unless rooted in the earth. Two 
sticks fare no better, even with their tops united ; 
but three sticks form a standard. This simple and 
beautiful idea gave rise to the polity of Leaphigh. 
Three moral props were erected in the midst of the 


community, at the foot of one of which was placed 
the King, to prevent it from slipping ; for all the 
danger, under such a system, came from that of 
the base slipping ; at the foot of the second, the no 
bles ; and at the foot of the third, the people. On 
the summit of this tripod was raised the machine 
of state. This was found to be a capital invention 
in theory, though practice, as practice is very apt 
to do, subjected it to some essential modifications. 
The King, having his stick all his own way, gave 
a great deal of trouble to the two other sets of 
stick-holders ; and, unwilling to disturb the theory, 
for that was deemed to be irrevocably settled and 
sacred, the nobility, who, for their own particular 
convenience, paid the principal workmen at the 
base of the people's stick to stand steady, set about 
the means of keeping the King's stick, also, in a 
more uniform and serviceable attitude. It was on 
this occasion that, discovering the King never could 
keep his end of the great social stick in the place 
where he had sworn to keep it, they solemnly de 
clared that he must have forgotten where the con 
stitutional foot-hole was, and that he had irretriev 
ably lost his memory, a decision that was the 
remote cause of the recent calamity of Captain 
Poke. The King was no sooner constitutionally 
deprived of his memory, than it was an easy matter 
to strip him of all his other faculties ; after which 
it was humanely decreed, as indeed it ought to be 
in the case of a being so destitute, that he could do 
no wrong. By way of following out the idea on a 
humane and Christian-like principle, and in order 
to make one part of the practice conform to the 
other, it was shortly after determined that he should 
do nothing ; his eldest first-cousin of the masculine 
gender being legally proclaimed his substitute. In 
the end, the crimson curtain was drawn before the 
VOL. II. 14 


throne. As, however, this cousin might begin to 
wriggle the stick in his turn, and derange the bal 
ance of the tripod, the other two sets of stick-holders 
next decided that, though his Majesty had an unde 
niable constitutional right to say who should be his 
eldest first-cousin of the masculine gender, they had 
an undoubted constitutional right to say who he 
should not be. The result of all this was a compro 
mise ; his Majesty, who, like other people, found the 
sweets of authority more palatable than the bitter, 
agreeing to get up on top of the tripod, where he 
might appear seated on the machine of state, to 
receive salutations, and eat and drink in peace, 
leaving the others to settle among themselves who 
should do the work at the bottom, as well as they 
could. In brief, such is the history, and such was 
the polity, of Leaphigh, when I had the honor of 
visiting that country. 

The Leaplowers were resolute to prove that all 
this was radically wrong. They determined, in the 
first place, that there should be but one great social 
beam ; and, in order that it should stand perfectly 
steady, they made it the duty of every citizen to 
prop its base. They liked the idea of a tripod 
well enough, but, instead of setting one up in the 
Leaphigh fashion, they just reversed its form, and 
stuck it on top of their beam, legs uppermost, placing 
a separate agent on each leg, to work their machine 
of state ; taking care, also, to send a new one aloft 
periodically. They reasoned thus: If one of the 
Leaphigh beams slip and they will be very apt to 
slip in wet weather, with the King, nobles, and peo 
ple wriggling and shoving against each other down 
will come the whole machine of state, or, to say 
the least, it will get so much awry as never to 
work as well as at first; and therefore we will 
have none of it. If, on the other hand, one of our 


agents makes a blunder and falls, why, he will only 
break his own neck. He will, moreover, fall in the 
midst of us, and, should he escape with life, we can 
either catch him and throw him back again, or we 
can send a better hand up in his place, to serve out 
the rest of his time. They also maintain that one 
beam, supported by all the citizens, is much less 
likely to slip than three beams, supported by three 
powers of very uncertain, not to say unequal, forces. 

Such, in effect, is the substance of the respective 
National Allegories of Leaphigh and of Leaplow ; 
I say Allegories, for both governments seem to rely 
on this ingenious form of exhibiting their great dis 
tinctive national sentiments. It would, in fact, be 
an improvement, were all constitutions henceforth 
to be written in this manner, since they would ne 
cessarily be more explicit, intelligible, and sacred, 
than they are by the present attempt at literality. 

Having explained the governing principles of 
these two important states, I now crave the reader's 
attention, for a moment, while I go a little into the 
details of the modus operandi, in both cases. 

Leaphigh acknowledged a principle, in the outset, 
that Leaplow totally disclaimed, viz. that of pri 
mogeniture. Being an only child myself, and having 
no occasion for research on this interesting subject, 
I never knew the basis of this peculiar right, until 
I came to read the great Leaphigh commentator, 
Whiterock, on the governing rules of the social 
compact. I there found that the first-born, morally 
considered, is thought to have better claims to 
the honors of the genealogical tree, on the father's 
side, than these offspring whose origin is to be 
referred to a later period in connubial life. On this 
obvious and highly discriminating principle, the 
crown, the rights of the nobles, and indeed all 
other rights, are transferred from father to son, 

160 THE MON1K1NS. 

in the direct male line, according to primogeniture. 

Nothing of this is practised in Leaplow. There, 
the supposition of legitimacy is as much in favor 
of the youngest as of the oldest born, and the prac 
tice is in conformity. As there is no hereditary 
chief to poise on one of the legs of the great tripod, 
the people at the foot of the beam choose one 
from among themselves, periodically, who is called 
the Great Sachem. The same people choose an 
other set, few in number, who occupy a common 
seat, on another leg. These they term the Riddles. 
Another set, still more numerous and popular in 
aspect, if not in fact, fills a large seat on the third 
leg. These last, from their being supposed to be 
supereminently popular and disinterested, are fami 
liarly known as the Legion. They are also pleas 
ingly nicknamed the Bobees, an appellation that 
took its rise in the circumstance that most of the 
members of their body have submitted to the second 
dock, and, indeed, have nearly obliterated every 
sign of a cauda. I had, most luckily, been chosen 
to sit in the House of Bobees, a station for which I 
felt myself to be well qualified, in this great essen 
tial at least ; for all the anointing and forcing re 
sorted to by Noah and myself, during our voyage 
out, and our residence in Leaphigh, had not pro 
duced so much as a visible sprout in either. 

The Great Sachem, the Riddles, and the Legion, 
had conjoint duties to perform, in certain respects, 
and separate duties, in others. All three, as they 
owed their allegorical elevation to, so were they 
dependent on, the people at the foot of the great 
social stick, for approbation and reward, that is 
to say, for all rewards other than those which they 
have it in their power to bestow on themselves. 
There was another authority, or agent of the pub 
lic, that is equally perched on the social beam, 


though not quite so dependent as the three just 
named, upon the main prop of the people, being 
also propped by a mechanical disposition of the 
tripod itself. These are termed the Supreme Arbi 
trators, and their duties are to revise the acts of the 
other three agents of the people, and to decide 
whether they are or are not in conformity with the 
recognized principles of the Sacred Allegory. 

I was greatly delighted with my own progress 
in the study of the Leaplow institutions. In the 
first place, I soon discovered that the principal 
thing was to reverse the political knowledge I had 
acquired in Leaphigh, as one would turn a tub up 
side-down, when he wished to draw from its stores 
at a fresh end, and then I was pretty sure of being 
within at least the spirit of the Leaplow law. Every 
thing seemed simple, for all was dependent on the 
common prop, at the base of the great social beam. 

Having got a thorough insight myself, into the 
governing principles of the system under which I 
had been chosen to serve, I went to look up my 
colleague, Captain Poke, in order to ascertain how 
he understood the great Leaplow Allegory. 

I found the mind of the sealer, according to a 
beautiful form of speech already introduced in this 
narrative, " considerably exercised," on the several 
subjects that so naturally presented themselves to 
a man in his situation. In the first place, he was 
in a towering passion at the impudence of Bob in 
presuming to offer himself as a candidate for the 
Great Council ; and having offered himself, the rage 
of the Captain was in no degree abated by the cir 
cumstance of the young rascal's being at the head 
of the poll. He most unreservedly swore " that, no 
subordinate of his should ever sit in the same legis 
lative body with himself; that he was a republican 
by birth, and knew the usages of republican go- 

162 THE MON1K1NS, 

vernments quite as well as the best patriot among 
them ; and although he admitted that all sorts of 
critturs were sent to Congress in his country, no 
man ever knew an instance of a cabin-boy's being 
sent there. They might elect just as much as they 
pleased ; but coming ashore, and playing politician, 
were very different things from cleaning his boots, 
and making his coffee, and mixing his grog." The 
Captain had just been waited on by a committee 
of the Perpendiculars, (half the Leaplow commu 
nity is on some committee or other.) by w r hom he 
had been elected, and they had given notice, that 
instructions would be sent in, forthwith, to all their 
representatives, to perform Gyration No. 3., as 
soon after the meeting of the Council as possi 
ble. He was no tumbler, and he had sent for a 
master of political saltation, who had just been with 
him, practising. According to Noah's own state 
ment, his success was any thing but flattering. "If 
they would give a body room, Sir John," he said, 
in a complaining accent, " I should think nothing 
of it but you are expected to stand shoulder to 
shoulder yard-arm and yard-arm, and throw 
a flap-jack as handily as an old woman would toss 
a johnny-cake! It's unreasonable to think of waring 
ship without room ; but give me room, and I'll en 
gage to get round on the other tack, and to luff 
into the line again, as safely as the oldest cruiser 
among 'em, though not quite so quick. They do go 
about spitefully, that 's sartain !" 

Nor were the Great National Allegories without 
their difficulties. Noah perfectly understood the 
images of the two tripods, though he was disposed 
to think that neither was properly secured. A mast 
would make but bad weather, he maintained, let it 
be ever so well rigged and stay'd, without being 
also securely stepped. He saw no use in trusting 
the heels of the beams to anybody. Good lashings 


were what were wanted, and then the people might 
go about their private affairs, and no fear the work 
would fall. That the King of Leaphigh had no 
memory, he could testify from bitter experience ; 
nor did he believe that he had any conscience ; and, 
chiefly he desired to know if we, when we got up 
into our places on top of the three inverted beams, 
among the other Bobees, were to make war on the 
Great Sachem and the Riddles, or whether we 
were to consider the whole affair as a good thing, 
in w r hich the wisest course would be to make fair 
weather of it ? 

To all these remarks and questions, I answered 
as well as my ow r n limited experience would allow; 
taking care to inform my friend that he had con 
ceived the whole matter a little too literally, as all 
that he had been reading about the great political 
beams, the tripods, and the legislative boxes, was 
merely an allegory. 

" And pray, then, Sir John, what may an alle 
gory be ?" 

" In this case, my good sir, it is a constitution." 

" And what is a constitution ?" 

" Why, it is sometimes, as you perceive, an alle 

" And are we not to be mast-headed, then, ac 
cording to the book ?" 

" Figuratively, only." 

"But there are actually such critturs as the Great 
Sachem, and the Riddles, and above all, the Bobees ! 
We are boney fie-diddle-di-dee elected ?" 

" Boney fie-diddle-di-dee." 

"And may I take the liberty of asking, what it 
is our duty to do ?" 

"We are to act practically, according to the 
literality of the legal, implied, figurative, allego 
rical significations of the Great National Compact, 
under a legitimate construction." 


" I fear we shall have to work double tides, Sir 
John, to do so much in so short a time ! Do you 
mean that, in honest truth, there is no beam V 9 

" There is, and there is not." 

" No fore, main, and mizzen-tops, according to 
what is here written down ?" 

" There is not, and there is." 

" Sir John, in the name of God, speak out ! Is 
all this about eight dollars a day, no better than a 
take in?" 

" That, I believe, is strictly literal." 

As Noah now seemed a little mollified, I seized 
the opportunity to tell him he must beware how he 
attempted to stop Bob from attending the Council. 
Members were privileged, going and coming; and 
unless he was guarded in his course, he might have 
some unpleasant collision with the serjeant-at-arms. 
Besides, it was unbecoming the dignity of a legis 
lator to be wrangling about trifles, and he to whom 
was confided the great affairs of a state, ought to 
attach the utmost importance to a grave exterior, 
which commonly was of more account with his 
constituents than any other quality. Any one could 
tell whether he was grave or not, but it w r as by no 
means so easy a matter to tell whether he or his 
constituents had the greatest cause to appear so. 
Noah promised to be discreet, and we parted, not 
to meet again until we assembled to be sworn in. 

Before continuing the narrative, I will just men 
tion that we disposed of our commercial investments 
that morning. All the Leaphigh opinions brought 
good prices ; and I had occasion to see how well 
the Brigadier understood the market, by the eager 
ness with which, in particular, the opinions on the 
state of society in Leaplow, were bought up. But, 
by one of those unexpected windfalls which raise 
up so many of the chosen of the earth to their high 
places, the cook did better than any of us. It will 


be remembered, that he had bartered an article of 
merchandise that he called slush against a neglect 
ed bale of Distinctive Leaplow Opinions, which had 
no success at all in Leaphigh. Coming as they did 
from abroad, these articles had taken as a novelty 
in Bivouac, and he sold them all before night, at 
enormous advances ; the cry being that something 
new and extraordinary had found its way into the 
market ! 


How to enact laws Oratory, logic and eloquence, all consi 
dered in their every-day aspects. 

POLITICAL oaths are very much the same sort 
of thing everywhere, and I shall say no more about 
our inauguration than simply to state it took place 
as usual. The two houses were duly organized, 
and we proceeded, without delay, to the transaction 
of business. I will here state that I was much 
rejoiced to find Brigadier Downright among the 
Bobees, the Captain whispering that most probably 
he had been mistaken for an "immigrunt," and 
chosen accordingly. 

It was not a great while before the Great Sachem 
sent us a communication, which contained a compte 
rendu of the state of the nation. Like most accounts 
it is my good fortune to receive, I thought it parti 
cularly long. Agreeably to the opinions of this 
document, the people of Leaplow were, by a good 
deal, the happiest people in the world ; they were 
also considerably more respected, esteemed, be 
loved, honored, and properly appreciated, than any 
other monikin community; and, in short, they were 
the admiration and glory of the universe. I was 
exceedingly glad to hear this, for some of the facts 


were quite new to me; a circumstance which shows 
one can never get correct notions of a nation ex 
cept from itself. 

These important facts properly digested, we all 
of us set about our several duties with a zeal that 
spoke fairly for our industry and integrity. Things 
commenced swimmingly, and it was not long before 
the Riddles sent us a resolution for concurrence, 
by way of opening the ball. It was conceived in 
the following terms: "Resolved, that the color 
which has hitherto been deemed to be black, is 
really white." 

As this was the first resolution that involved a 
principle on which we had been required to vote, I 
suggested to Noah the propriety of our going 
round to the Brigadier, and inquiring what might 
be the drift of so singular a proposition. Our col 
league answered the question with great good na 
ture, giving us to understand that the Perpendiculars 
and the Horizontals had long been at variance on 
the mere coloring property of various important 
questions, and the real matter involved in the reso 
lution was not visible. The former- had always 
maintained, (by always, he meant ever since the 
time they maintained the contrary,) the doctrine 
of the resolution, and the latter its converse. A 
majority of the Riddles, just at this moment, are 
Perpendiculars ; and, as it was now seen, they had 
succeeded in getting a vote on their favorite prin 

" According to this account of the matter, Sir 
John," observed the Captain, " I shall be compelled 
to maintain that black is white, seeing that I am 
in on the Parpendic'lar interest ?" 

I thought with the Captain, and was pleased 
that my own legislative debut was not to be char 
acterized by the promulgation of any doctrine so 
much at variance with my preconceived ways of 


thinking* Curious, however, to know his opinion, 
I asked the Brigadier in what light he felt disposed 
to view the matter himself. 

" I am elected by the Tangents," he said ; " and, 
by what I can learn, it is the intention of our friends 
to steer a middle course ; and one of our leaders is 
already selected, who, at a proper stage of the 
affair, is to move an amendment." 

" Can you refer me, my dear friend, to anything 
connected with the Great National Allegory, that 
bears on this point ?" 

" Why, there is a clause among the fundamental 
and immutable laws, which it is thought was intend 
ed to meet this very case ; but, unhappily, the sages 
by whom our Allegory was drawn up, have not 
paid quite as much attention to the phraseology as 
the importance of the subject demanded." 

Here the Brigadier laid his finger on the clause 
in question, and I returned to a seat to study its 
meaning. It was conceived as follows : Art. IV. 
Clause 6 : " The Great National Council shall, in 
no case whatever, pass any law, or resolution, de 
claring white to be black." 

After studying this fundamental enactment to the 
bottom, turning it on every side, and finally consi 
dering it upside-down, I came to the conclusion that 
its tenor was, on the whole, rather more favorable 
than unfavorable to the horizontal doctrine. It 
struck me, a very good argument was to be made 
out of the constitutional question, and that it pre 
sented a very fair occasion for a new member to 
venture on a maiden speech. Having so settled the 
matter, entirely to my own satisfaction, I held my 
self in reserve, waiting for the proper moment to 
produce an effect. 

It was not long before the Chairman of the Com 
mittee on the Judiciary (one of the effects of the 
resolution was entirely to change the coloring of 


all testimony throughout the vast republic of Leap- 
low) made his report on the subject-matter of the 
resolution. This person was a Tangent, who had 
a besetting wish to become a Riddle, although the 
leaning of our house was decidedly horizontal; 
and, as a matter of course, he took the Riddle side 
of this question. The report, itself, required seven 
hours in the reading, commencing with the subject 
at the epocha of the celebrated caucus that was 
adjourned sine die, by the disruption of the earth's 
crust, and previously to the distribution of the great 
monikin family into separate communities, and end 
ing with the subject of the resolution in his hand. 
The reporter had set his political palette with the 
utmost care, having completely covered the subject 
with neutral tints, before he got through with it; 
and glazing the whole down with ultramarine, in 
such a way as to cause the eye to regard the mat 
ter through a fictitious atmosphere. Finally, he 
repeated the resolution, verbatim, and as it came 
from the other house. 

Mr. Speaker now called upon gentlemen to deli 
ver their sentiments. To my utter amazement, 
Captain Poke arose, put his tobacco back into its 
box, and opened the debate, without apology. 

The Honorable Captain said he understood this 
question to be one implicating the liberties of every 
body. He understood the matter literally, as it was 
propounded in the Allegory, and set forth in the 
resolution ; and, as such, he intended to look at it 
with unprejudyced eyes. " The natur' of this propo 
sal lay altogether in color. What is color, after 
all? Make the most of it, and in the most favorable 
position, which, perhaps, is the cheek of a comely 
young woman, and it is but skin-deep. He re 
membered the time when a certain female in an 
other part of the univarse, who is commonly called 
Miss Poke, might have out-rosed the best rose in a 


place called Stunin'tun; and what did it all amount 
to ? He should n't ask Miss Poke herself, for ob 
vious reasons but he would ask any of the neigh 
bors how she looked now? Quitting female natur', 
he would come to human natur' generally. He had 
often remarked that sea-water was blue, and he had 
frequently caused pails to be lowered, and the water 
brought on deck, to see if he could come at any of 
this blueing matter for indigo was both scarce 
and dear in his part of the world, but he never 
could make out anything by the experiment ; from 
which he concluded that, on the whull, there was 
pretty much no such thing as color, at all. 

" As for the resolution before the house, it depend 
ed entirely on the meaning of words. Now, after 
all, what is a word ? Why, some people's words 
are good, and other people's words are good for 
nothing. For his part, he liked sealed instruments 
which might be because he was a sealer but as 
for mere words, he set but little store by them. He 
once tuck a man's word for his wages ; and the 
long and short of it was, that he lost his money. 
He had known a thousand instances in which words 
had proved to be of no value, and he did not see 
why some gentlemen wished to make them of so 
much importance here. For his part, he was for 
puffing up nothing, no, not even a word or a color, 
above its desarts. The people seemed to call for a 
change in the color of things, and he called upon 
gentlemen to remember that this was a free coun 
try, and one in which the laws ruled ; and therefore 
he trusted they would be disposed to adapt the laws 
to the wants of the people. What had the people 
asked of the house in this matter? So far as his 
knowledge went, they had really asked nothing in 
words, but he understood there was great discon 
tent on the subject of the old colors ; and he con- 

VOL. II. 15 


strued their silence into an expression of contempt 
for words in general. He was a Parpendic'lar, and 
he should always maintain parpendic'lar sentiments. 
Gentlemen might not agree with him, but, for one, 
he was not disposed to jipordyze the liberties of his 
constituents, and therefore he gave the rizolution 
just as it came from the Riddles, without altering 
a letter although he did think there was one word 
misspelt he meant * really/ which he had been 
taught to spell 'ra'ally' but he was ready to 
sacrifice even his opinions on this point to the good 
of the country; and therefore he went with the Rid 
dles, even to their misprints. He hoped the rizolu 
tion would pass, with the entire unanimity so 
important a subject demanded." 

This speech produced a very strong sensation. 
Up to this time, the principal orators of the house 
had been much in the practice of splitting hairs 
about some nice technicality in the Great Allegory; 
but Noah, with the simplicity of a truly great mind, 
had made a home-thrust at the root of the whole 
matter ; laying about him with the single-hearted 
ness of the illustrious Manchechan, when he couched 
his lance against the wind-mills. The points ad 
mitted, that there were no such things as colors, 
and that words were of no moment, this, or indeed 
any other resolution, might be passed with impunity. 
The Perpendiculars in the house were singularly 
satisfied, for, to say the truth, their arguments 
hitherto had been rather flimsy. Out of doors, the 
effect was greater still ; for it wrought a complete 
change in the whole tenor of the Perpendicular 
argument. Monikins who the day before had 
strenuously affirmed that their strength lay in the 
phraseology of the Great Allegory, now suddenly 
had their eyes opened, clearly perceiving that words 
had no just value. The argument had certainly 
undergone some modifications; but, luckily, the 


deduction was undisturbed. The Brigadier noticed 
this apparent anomaly; explaining, however, that 
it was quite common in Leaplow, more especially 
in all matters affecting politics ; though he felt per 
suaded men must be more consistent. 

No great time is required to put a well-orga 
nized political corps to the right-about, when pro 
per attention has been paid to the preparatory drills. 
Although several of the best speakers among the 
Perpendiculars had appeared in their places, with 
ample notes, and otherwise in readiness to show 
that the phraseology of the resolution was altoge 
ther in favor of their views of the question, every 
monikin of them promptly rejected his previous 
argument, for the simple and more conclusive views 
of Captain Poke. On the other hand, the Horizon 
tals were so completely taken by surprise, that not 
an orator among them all had a word to say for 
himself. So far from replying, they actually per 
mitted one of their antagonists to rise and to follow 
up the blow of the Captain; a pretty certain sign 
that they were bothered. 

The new speaker was a very prominent leader 
of the Perpendiculars. He was one of those poli 
ticians who are only the more dexterous from hav 
ing been of all sides, knowing by experience the 
weak and the strong points of each, and being fami 
liar with every subdivision of political sentiment 
that had ever existed in the country. This ingenious 
orator took up the subject with spirit, treating it 
throughout on the principle of the honorable mem 
ber who had last spoken. According to his views 
of the question, the gist of a resolution, or a law, 
was to be found in things and not in words. Words 
were so many false lights to mislead, and he need 
not tell this house a fact that was familiar to all 
who heard him words would be, and were, daily 
moulded to suit the convenience of all sorts of per- 

'" ; :* ; 


sons. It was a capital error in political life to be 
lavish of words, for the time might come when the 
garrulous and voluble would have cause to repent of 
having used them. He asked the house if the thing 
proposed were necessary did the public interests 
require it was the public mind prepared for it ; if so, 
he begged gentlemen to do their duties to themselves, 
their characters, their consciences, their religion, 
their property, and, lastly, their constituents. 

This orator had endeavored to destroy words by 
words, and I thought the house regarded his effort 
rather favorably. I now determined to make a 
rally in favor of the fundamental law, which evi 
dently had as yet been but little regarded in the 
discussion. I caught the Speaker's eye, accordingly, 
and was on my feet in a moment. 

I commenced by paying elaborate compliments 
to the talents and motives of those who had pre 
ceded me, and made some proper allusions to the 
known intelligence, patriotism, virtue, and legal 
attainments of the house. All this was so well re 
ceived, that taking courage, I determined to come 
down upon my adversaries, at once, with the text 
of the written law. Prefacing the blow with an 
eulogium on the admirable nature of those institu 
tions which were universally admitted to be the 
wonder of the world, and which were commonly 
pronounced to be the second perfection of monikin 
reason, those of Leaphigh being invariably deemed 
the first, I made a few apposite remarks on the 
necessity of respecting the vital ordinances of the 
body politic, and asked the attention of my hearers 
while I read to them a particular clause, which 
it had struck me had some allusion to the very 
point now in consideration. Having thus clear 
ed the way, I had not the folly to defeat the ob 
jects of so much preparation, by an indiscreet 
precipitancy. So far from it, previously to read- 

THE MONlKlNSi 173 

ing the extract from the constitution, I waited until 
the attention of every member present was attracted 
more forcibly by the dignity, deliberation, and gra 
vity of my manner, than by the substance of what 
had yet been said. In the midst of this deep silence 
and expectation I read aloud, in a voice that reached 
every cranny of the hall 

" The Great Council shall, in no case whatever, 
pass any law, or resolution, declaring white to be 

If I had been calm in the presentation of this au 
thority, I was equally self-possessed in waiting for 
its effect. Looking about me, I saw surprise, per 
plexity, doubt, wonder and uncertainty, in every 
countenance, if I did not find conviction. One fact 
embarrassed even me. Our friends the Horizontals 
were evidently quite as much at fault as our oppo 
nents the Perpendiculars, instead of being, as I had 
good reason to hope, in an ecstasy of pleasure on 
hearing their cause sustained by an authority so 

"Will the honorable member have the goodness to 
explain from what author he has quoted ?" one of the 
leading Perpendiculars at length ventured to inquire. 

" The language you have just heard, Mr, Speak 
er," I resumed, believing that now was the favor 
able instant to follow up the matter, " is language 
that must find an echo in every heart it is lan 
guage that can never be used in vain in this vene 
rable hall, language that carries with it conviction 
and command" I observed that the members were 
now fairly gaping at each other with wonder 
" Sir, I am asked to name the author from whom I 
have quoted these sententious and explicit words 
Sir, what you have just heard is to be found in the 
Article IV. Clause 6, of the Great National Alle 
gory " 



" Order Order Order!" shouted a hundred 
raven throats. 

I stood aghast, even more amazed than the house 
itself had been only the instant before. 

" Order Order Order Order Order !" con 
tinued to be yelled, as if a million of demons were 
screeching in the hall. 

"The honorable member will please to recollect," 
said the bland, and ex-officio impartial Speaker, 
who, by the way, was a Perpendicular, elected by 
fraud, " that it is out of order to use personalities." 

" Personalities ! I do not understand, sir " 

" The instrument to which the honorable member 
has alluded, his own good sense will tell him, was 
never written by itself so far from this, the very 
members of the convention by which it was drawn 
up, are at this instant members of this house, and 
most of them supporters of the resolution now be 
fore the house ; and it will be deemed personal to 
throw into their faces former official acts, in this 
unheard-of manner. I am sorry it is my duty to 
say, that the honorable member is entirely out of 

" But, sir, the Sacred National " 

" Sacred, sir, beyond a doubt but in a sense 
different from what you imagine much too sacred, 
sir, ever to be alluded to here. There are the works 
of the commentators, the books of constructions, 
and especially the writings of various foreign and 
perfectly disinterested statesmen, need I name 
Ekrub in particular ! that are at the command of 
members ; but so long as I am honored with a seat 
in this chair, I shall peremptorily decide against all 

I was dumb-founded. The idea that the authority 
itself would be refused never crossed my mind, 
though I had anticipated a sharp struggle on its 
construction. The constitution only required that 


no law should be passed declaring black to be 
white, whereas the resolution merely ordered that 
henceforth white should be black. Here was mat 
ter for discussion, nor was I at all sanguine as to 
the result ; but to be thus knocked on the head by a 
club, in the outset, was too much for the modesty 
of a maiden speech. I took my seat in confusion ; 
and I plainly saw that the Perpendiculars^ by their 
sneers, now expected to carry everything triumph 
antly their own way. This, most probably, would 
have been the case, had not one of the Tangents 
immediately got the floor, to move the amendment. 
To the vast indignation of Captain Poke, and, in 
some degree, to my own mortification, this duty 
was intrusted to the Hon. Robert Smut. Mr. Smut 
commenced with entreating members not to be led 
away by the sophistry of the first speaker. That 
honorable member, no doubt, felt himself called 
upon to defend the position taken by his friends; 
but those that knew him well, as it had been his 
fate to know him, must be persuaded that his sen 
timents had, at least, undergone a sudden and mi 
raculous change. That honorable member denied 
the existence of color, at all ! He would ask that 
honorable member if he had never been instru 
mental himself in producing what is generally called 
"black and blue color?" ne should like to know 
if that honorable member placed as little value, 
at present, on blows as he now seemed to set on 
words he begged pardon of the house, but this 
was a matter of great interest to himself he knew 
that there never had been a greater manufacturer 
of "black and blue color" than that honorable 
member, and he wondered at his now so pertina 
ciously denying the existence of colors, and at his 
wish to underrate their value. For his part, he 
trusted he understood the importance of words, and 
the value of hues; and while he did not exactly see 

176 THE MONlKltfS. 

the necessity of deeming black so inviolable as some 
gentlemen appeared to think it, he was not by any 
means prepared to go as far as those who had in 
troduced this resolution. He did not believe that 
public opinion was satisfied with maintaining that 
black was black, but he thought it was not yet dis 
posed to affirm that black was white. He did not 
say that such a day might not arrive; he only 
maintained tha-t it had not yet arrived, and with a 
view to meet that which he believed was the pub 
lic sentiment, he should move, by way of amend 
ment, to strike out the whole of the resolution after 
the word "really," and insert that which would 
cause the whole resolution to read as follows, viz. 

"Resolved, that the color which has hitherto 
been deemed to be black, is really lead-color" 

Hereupon, the Honorable Mr. Smut took his seat, 
leaving the house to, its own ruminations. The 
leaders of the Perpendiculars, foreseeing that if 
they got half-way this session, they might effect the 
rest of their object the next, determined to accept 
the compromise ; and the resolution, as amended, 
passed by a handsome majority. So this important 
point was finally decided for the moment, leaving 
great hopes among the Perpendiculars of being 
able to lay the Horizontals even flatter on their 
backs than they were just then. 

The next question that presented itself was of far 
less interest, exciting no great attention. To under 
stand it, however, it will be necessary to refer a 
little to history. The government of Leapthrough 
had, about sixty-three years before, caused one hun 
dred and twenty-six Leaplow ships to be burned on 
the high seas, or otherwise destroyed. The pretence 
was, that they incommoded Leapthrough. Leap- 
low was much too great a nation to submit to so 
heinous an outrage, while, at the same time, she was 


much too magnanimous and wise a nation to resent 
it in an every-day and vulgar manner. Instead of 
getting in a passion and loading her cannon, she 
summoned all her logic and began to reason. After 
reasoning the matter with Leapthrough for fifty-two 
years, or until all the parties who had been wronged 
were dead, and could no longer be benefited by her 
Jogic, she determined to abate two-thirds of her 
pretensions in a pecuniary sense, and all her pre 
tensions in an honorary sense, and to compromise 
the affair by accepting a certain insignificant sum 
of money as a salve to the whole wrong. Leap- 
through conditioned to pay this money, in the most 
solemn and satisfactory manner; and everybody 
was delighted with the amicable termination of a 
very vexatious and a seemingly interminable dis 
cussion. Leapthrough was quite as glad to get rid 
of the matter as Leaplow, and very naturally, under 
all the circumstances, thought the whole thing at 
length was done with, when she conditioned to pay 
the money. The Great Sachem of Leaplow, most 
unfortunately, however, had a " will of iron," or, in 
other words, he thought the money ought to be paid 
as well as conditioned to be paid. This despotic 
construction of the bargain had given rise to un 
heard-of dissatisfaction in Leapthrough, as indeed 
might have been expected; but it was, oddly enough, 
condemned with some heat even in Leaplow itself, 
where it was stoutly maintained by certain ingenious 
logicians, that the only true way to settle a bargain 
to pay money, was to make a new one for a less 
sum, whenever the amount fell due ; a plan that, 
with a proper moderation and patience, would be 
certain, in time, to extinguish the whole debt. 

Several very elaborate patriots had taken this 
matter in hand, and it was now about to be pre 
sented to the house, under four different categories. 

178 THE MON1K1NS. 

Category No. 1, had the merit of simplicity and 
precision. It proposed merely that Leaplow should 
pay the money itself, and take up the bond, using 
its own funds. Category No. 2, embraced a recom 
mendation of the Great Sachem for Leaplow to 
pay itself, using, however, certain funds of Leap- 
through. Category 3d, was a proposal to offer ten 
millions to Leapthrough to say no more about the 
transaction at all. Category 4th, was to commence 
the negotiating or abating system mentioned, with 
out delay, in order to extinguish the claim by in 
stalments as soon as possible. ^ 

The question came up on the consideration of the 
different projects connected with these four leading 
principles. My limits will not admit of a detailed 
history of the debate. All I can do, is merely to 
give an outline of the logic that these various pro 
positions set in motion, of the legislative ingenuity 
of which they were the parents, and of the multitude 
of legitimate conclusions that so naturally followed. 

In favor of Category No. 1, it was urged that, 
by adopting its leading idea, the affair would be 
altogether in our own hands, and might consequently 
be settled with greater attention to purely Leaplow 
interests; that further delay could only proceed 
from our own negligence; that no other project 
was so likely to get rid of this protracted negotia 
tion in so short a time ; that by paying the debt 
with the Leaplow funds, we should be sure of re 
ceiving its amount in the good legal currency of 
the republic ; that it would be singularly economi 
cal, as the agent who paid might also be authorized 
to receive, whereby there would be a saving in 
salary ; and, finally, that, under this category, the 
whole affair might be brought within the limits of 
a nut-shell, and the compass of any one's under 


In favor of Category No. 2, little more than very 
equivocal sophisms, which savored strongly of com 
mon-place opinions, were presented. It was pre 
tended, for instance, that he who signed a bond was 
in equity bound to pay it ; that, if he refused, the 
other party had the natural and legal remedy of 
compulsion ; that it might not always be convenient 
for a creditor to pay all the obligations of other 
people which he might happen to hold ; that if his 
transactions were extensive, money might be want 
ing to carry out such a principle ; and that, as a 
precedent, it would comport much more with Leap- 
low prudence and discretion to maintain the old and 
tried notions of probity and justice, than to enter on 
the unknown ocean of uncertainty that was connect 
ed with the new opinions, by admitting which, we 
could never know when we were fairly out of debt 
Category No. 3, was discussed on an entirely new 
system of logic, which appeared to have great favor 
with that class of the members who were of the 
more refined school of ethics. These orators referred 
the whole matter to a sentiment of honor. They 
commenced by drawing vivid pictures of the out 
rages in which the original wrongs had been com 
mitted. They spoke of ruined families, plundered 
mariners, and blasted hopes. They presented mi 
nute arithmetical calculations to show that just forty 
times as much wrong had, in fact, been done, as 
this bond assumed ; and that, as the case actually 
stood, Leaplow ought, in strict justice, to receive 
exactly forty times the amount of the money that 
was actually included in the instrument. Turning 
from these interesting details, they next presented 
the question of honor. Leapthrough, by attacking 
the Leaplow flag, and invading Leaplow rights, 
had made it principally a question of honor, and, 
in disposing of it, the principle of honor ought never 


to be lost sight of. It was honorable to pay one's 
debts this no one could dispute ; but it was not so 
clear, by any means, that there was any honor in 
receiving one's dues. The national honor was 
concerned ; and they called on members, as they 
cherished the sacred sentiment, to come forward 
and sustain it by their votes. As the matter siood, 
Leaplow had the best of it. In compounding with 
her creditor, as had been done in the treaty, 
Leapthrough lost some honor in refusing to pay 
the bond, she lost still more ; and now, if we should 
send her the ten millions proposed, and she should 
have the weakness to accept it, we should fairly 
get our foot upon her neck, and she could never 
look us in the face again ! 

The Category No. 4, brought up a member who 
had made political economy his chief study. This 
person presented the following case: According 
to his calculations, the wrong had been committed 
precisely sixty-three years, and twenty-six days, and 
two-thirds of a day, ago. For the whole of that 
long period Leaplow had been troubled with this 
vexatious question, which had hung like a cloud 
over the otherwise unimpaired brightness of her 
political landscape. It was time to get rid of it. 
The sum stipulated was just twenty-five millions, 
to be paid in twenty-five annual instalments, of a 
million each. Now, he proposed to reduce the 
instalments to one half the number, but in no way 
to change the sum. That point ought to be con 
sidered as irrevocably settled. This would dimin 
ish the debt one half. Before the first instalment 
should become due, he would effect a postponement, 
by diminishing the instalments again to six, refer 
ring the time to the latest periods named in the last 
treaty, and always most sacredly keeping the sums 
precisely the same. It would be impossible to touch 


the sums, which, he repeated, ought to be considered 
as sacred. Before the expiration of the first seven 
years, a new arrangement might reduce the instal 
ments to two, or even to one always respecting 
the sum ; and finally, at the proper moment, a treaty 
could be concluded, declaring that there should be 
no instalment at all, reserving the point, that if 
there had been an instalment, Leaplow could never 
have consented to reduce it below one million. The 
result would be, that in about five-and-twenty years 
the country would be fairly rid of the matter, and 
the national character, which it was agreed on all 
hands was even now as high as it well could be, 
would probably be raised many degrees higher. 
The negotiation had commenced in a spirit of com 
promise; and our character for consistency required 
that this spirit of compromise should continue to 
govern our conduct as long as a single farthing 
remained unpaid. 

This idea took wonderfully ; and I do believe it 
would have passed by a handsome majority, had 
not a new proposition been presented, by an orator 
of singularly pathetic powers. 

The new speaker objected to all four of the cate 
gories. He said that each and every one of them 
would lead to war. Leapthrough was a chivalrous 
and high-minded nation, as was apparent by the 
present aspect of things. Should we presume to 
take up the bond, using our own funds, it would 
mortally offend her pride, and she would fight us ; 
did we presume to take up the bond, using her 
funds, it would offend her financial system, and she 
would fight us ; did we presume to offer her ten mil 
lions to say no more about the matter, it would 
offend her dignity by intimating that she was to be 
bought off from her rights, and she would fight us ; 
did we presume to adopt the system of new nego- 

VOL. II. 16 


tiations, it would mortally offend her honor, by 
intimating that she would not respect her old nego 
tiations, and she would fight us. He saw war in 
all four of the categories. He was for a peace cate 
gory, and he thought he had in his hand a proposi 
tion, that by proper management, using the most 
tender delicacy, and otherwise respecting the sen 
sibilities of the high and honorable nation in ques 
tion, we might possibly get out of this embarrassing 
dilemma without actually coming to blows he 
said to blows, for he wished to impress on honora 
ble members the penalties of war. He invited 
gentlemen to recollect that a conflict between two 
great nations was a serious affair. If Leapthrough 
were a little nation, it would be a different matter, 
and the contest might be conducted in a corner; 
our honor was intimately connected with all we did 
with great nations. What was war? Did gentle 
men know ? He would tell them. 

Here the orator drew a picture of war that 
caused suffering monikinity to shudder. He viewed 
it in its four leading points: its religious, its pecu 
niary, its political, and its domestic penalties. He 
described war to be the demon-state of the monikin 
mind ; as opposed to worship, to charity, brotherly 
love, and all the virtues. On its pecuniary penal 
ties, he touched by exhibiting a tax-sheet. Buttons 
which cost six-pence a gross, he assured the house 
would shortly cost seven-pence a gross. Here he 
was reminded that monikins no longer wore but 
tons. No matter, they bought and sold buttons, 
and the effects on trade were just the same. The 
political penalties of war he fairly showed to be 
frightful ; but when he came to speak of the domes 
tic penalties, there was not a dry eye in the house. 
Captain Poke blubbered so loud that I was in an 
agony lest he should be called to order. 


14 Regard that pure spirit," he cried, "crushed as 
it has been in the whirlwind of war. Behold her 
standing over the sod that covers the hero of his 
country, the husband of her virgin affections. In 
vain the orphan at her side turns its tearful eye up 
ward, and asks for the plumes that so lately pleased 
its infant fancy; in vain its gentle voice inquires 
when he is to return, when he is to gladden their 
hearts with his presence" But I can write no more. 
Sobs interrupted the speaker, and he took his seat 
in an ecstasy of godliness and benevolence. 

I hurried across the house, to beg the Brigadier 
would introduce me to this just monikin without 
a moment's delay. I felt as if I could take him to 
my heart at once, and swear an eternal friendship 
with a spirit so benevolent. The Brigadier was too 
much agitated, at first, to attend to me; but, after 
wiping his eyes at least a hundred timers, he finally 
succeeded in arresting the torrents, and looked up 
ward with a bland smile. 

" Is he not a wonderful monikin ?" 

" Wonderful indeed ! How completely he puts 
us all to shame ! Such a monikin can only be in 
fluenced by the purest love for the species." 

" Yes, he is of a class that we call the third moni- 
kinity. Nothing excites our zeal like the principles 
of the class of which he is a member !" 

" How ! Have you more than one class of the 
humane ?" 

"Certainly the Original, the Representative, 
and the Speculative." 

" I am devoured by the desire to understand the 
distinctions, my dear Brigadier." 

" The Original is an every-day class, that feels 
under the natural impulses. The Representative is 
a more intellectual division, that feels chiefly by 
proxy. The Speculatives are those whose sympa- 


thies are excited by positive interests, like the last 
speaker. This person has lately bought a farm by 
the acre, which he is about to sell, in village lots, 
by the foot, and war will knock the whole thing in 
the head. It is this which stimulates his benevo 
lence in so lively a manner." 

" Why, this is no more than a development of 
the social-stake system " 

I was interrupted by the Speaker, who called the 
house to order. The vote on the resolution of the 
last orator was to be taken. It read as follows : 

" Resolved, that it is altogether unbecoming the 
dignity and character of Leapthrough, for Leaplow 
to legislate on the subject of so petty a consideration 
as a certain pitiful treaty between the two coun 

" Unanimity unanimity !" was shouted by fifty 
voices. Unanimity there was; and then the w r hole 
house set to work, shaking hands and hugging each 
other, in pure joy at the success of the honorable 
and ingenious manner in which it had got rid of 
this embarrassing and impertinent question. 


An effect of logarithms on morals An obscuration, a disser 
tation, and a calculation. 

THE house had not long adjourned before Cap 
tain Poke and myself were favored with a visit 
from our colleague Mr. Downright, who came on 
an affair of absorbing interest. He carried in his 
hand a small pamphlet ; and the usual salutations 
were scarcely over, before he directed our attention 


to a portion of its contents. Jt would seem that 
Leaplow was on the eve of experiencing a great 
moral eclipse. The periods and dates of the phe 
nomenon (if that can be called a phenomenon 
which was of too frequent occurrence) had been 
calculated, with surprising accuracy, by the acade 
my of Leaphigh, and sent, through its minister, as 
an especial favor* to our beloved country, in order 
that we should not be taken by surprise. The ac 
count of the affair read as follows : 

" On the third day of the season of nuts, there 
will be the commencement of a great moral eclipse* 
in that portion of the monikin region which lies 
immediately about the pole. The property in eclipse 
will be the great moral postulate usually designated 
by the term Principle ; and the intervening body 
will be the great immoral postulate, usually known 
as Interest. The frequent occurrence of the con 
junction of these two important postulates has 
caused our moral mathematicians to be rather neg 
ligent of their calculations on this subject, of late 
years; but, to atone for this inexcusable indifference 
to one of the most important concerns of life, the 
calculating committee was instructed to pay unusual 
attention to all the obscurations of the present year 
and this phenomenon, one of the most decided of 
our age, has been calculated with the utmost nicety 
and care. We give the results. 
! " The eclipse will commence by a motive of mo 
nikin vanity coming in contact with the sub-postu 
late of charity, at 1 A. M. The postulate in question 
will be totally hid from view, in the course of 6 h. 
17 in. from the moment of contact. The passage 
of a political intrigue will instantly follow, when 
the several sub-postulates of truth, honesty, disin 
terestedness and patriotism, will all be obscured in 
succession, beginning with the lower limb of the 


first; and ending with all the limbs of the whole of 
them, in 3 h. 42 m. from the moment of contact. 
The shadow of vanity and political intrigue will 
first be deepened by the approach of prosperity, 
and this will be soon succeeded by the contact of a 
great pecuniary interest, at 10 h. 2 m. 1 s. ; and in 
exactly 2 s. and 3-7 s*, the whole of the great 
moral postulate of Principle will be totally hid from 
view. In consequence of this early passage of the 
darkest shadow that is ever cast by Interest, the 
passages of the respective shadows of ambition, ha 
tred, jealousy, and all the other minor satellites of 
Interest, will be invisible. 

" The country principally affected by this eclipse 
will be the republic of Leaplow, a community whose 
known intelligence and virtues are perhaps better 
qualified to resist its influence than any other. The 
time of occupation will be 9 y. 7 m. 26 d. 4 h. 16 
m. 2 s. Principle will begin to reappear to the 
moral eye at the end of this period, first by the 
approach of Misfortune, whose atmosphere being 
much less dense than that of Interest, will allow of 
imperfect views of the obscured postulate ; but the 
radiance of the latter will not be completely restored 
until the arrival of Misery, whose chastening 
colors invariably permit all truths to be discernible, 
although through a sombre medium. To resume: 

" Beginning of eclipse, 1 A. M. 
Ecliptic opposition, in 4 y. 6 m. 12 d. 9 h. from 

beginning of eclipse. 
Middle, in 4 y. 9 m. d. 7. h. 9 m. 

from beginning of eclipse. 
End of eclipse, 9 y. 1 1 m. 20 d. 3 h. 2 m. 

from beginning. 
Period of occultation, 9 y. 7 m. 26 d. 4 h. 16 m. 2 s." 

I gazed at the Brigadier in admiration and awe. 
There was nothing remarkable in the eclipse itself, 


which was quite an every-day affair ; but the preci 
sion with which it had been calculated added to its 
other phenomena the terrible circumstance of ob 
taining a glimpse into the future. I now began to 
perceive the immense difference between living 
consciously under a moral shadow, and living under 
it unconsciously. The latter was evidently a trifle 
compared to the former. Providence had most 
kindly provided for our happiness in denying the 
ability to see beyond the present moment. 

Noah took the affair even more at heart than 
myself. He told me, with a rueful and prognosti 
cating countenance, that we were fast drawing near 
to the autumnal equinox, when we should reach the 
commencement of a natural night of six months' 
duration ; and although the benevolent substitute of 
steam might certainly in some degree lessen the 
evil, that it was a furious evil, after aij, to exist for 
a period so weary without enjoying the light of the 
sun. He found the eternal glare of day bad enough, 
but he did not believe he should be able to endure 
its total absence. Natur' had made him a ' watch 
and watch' crittur'. As for the twilight of which so 
much was said, it was worse than nothin', being 
neither one thing nor the other. For his part, he 
liked things ' made out of whole cloth.' Then he 
had sent the ship round to a distant roadstead, in 
order that there might be no more post-captains 
and rear-admirals among the people ; and here had 
he been as much as four days on nothing but nuts. 
Nuts might do for the philosophy of a monkey, but 
he found, on trial, that it played the devil with the 
philosophy of a man. Things were bad enough as 
they were. He pined for a little pork he cared 
not who knew it ; it might not be very sentimental, 
he knew, but it was capital sea-food; his natur' 
was pretty much pork ; he believed most men had, 
in some way or other, more or less pork in their 


human natur's ; nuts might do for monikin natur', 
but human natur' loved meat; if monikins did not 
like it, monikins need not eat it; there would be so 
much the more for those that did like it he pined 
for his natural aliment, and as for living nine years 
in an eclipse, it was quite out of the question. The 
longest Stunin'tun eclipses seldom went over three 
hours he once knew Deacon Spiteful pray quite 
through one, from apogee to perigee. He therefore 
proposed that Sir John and he should resign their 
seats without delay, and that they should try to get 
the Walrus to the north'ard as quick as possible, lest 
they should be caught in the polar night. As for 
the Hon. Robert Smut, he wished hirn no better luck 
than to remain where he was all his life, and to 
receive his eight dollars a day in acorns. 

Although it was impossible not to hear, and, hav 
ing heard, n<^ to record the sentiments of Noah, 
still my attention was much more strongly attracted 
by the demeanor of the Brigadier, than by the jere 
miad of the sealer. To an anxious inquiry if he 
were not well, our worthy colleague answered 
plaintively, that he mourned over the misfortune of 
his country. 

" I have often witnessed the passage of the pas 
sions, and of the minor motives, across the disk of 
the great moral postulate, Principle ; but an occul- 
tation of its light by a Pecuniary Interest, and for 
so long a period, is fearful ! Heaven only knows 
what will become of us !" 

"Are not these eclipses, after all, so many mere 
illustrations of the social-stake system ? I confess 
this occultation, of which you seem to have so much 
dread, is not so formidable a thing, on reflection, as 
it at first appeared to be." 

" You are quite right, Sir John, as to the char 
acter of the eclipse itself, which, as a matter of 


course, must depend on the character of the inter 
vening body. But the wisest and best of our phi 
losophers hold that the entire system of which we 
are but insignificant parts, is based on certain im 
mutable truths of a divine origin. The premises, or 
postulates, of all these truths, are so many moral 
guides in the management of monikin affairs ; and, 
the moment they are lost sight of, as will be the 
case during these frightful nine years that are to 
come, we shall be abandoned entirely to selfishness. 
Now selfishness is only too formidable when re 
strained by Principle ; but, left to its own grasping 
desires and audacious sophisms, to me the moral 
perspective is terrible. We are only too much ad 
dicted to turn our eyes from Principle, when it is 
shining in heavenly radiance, and in full glory, 
before us; it is not difficult, therefore, to foresee 
the nature of the consequences which*are to follow 
its total and protracted obscuration." 

" You then conceive there is a rule superior to 
interest, which ought to be respected in the control 
of monikin affairs?" 

. " Beyond a doubt ; else in what should we differ 
from the beasts of prey ?" 

" I do not exactly see whether this does, or does 
not, accord with the notions of the political econo 
mists of the social-stake system." 

"As you say, Sir John, it does, and it does not. 
Your social-stake system supposes that he who has 
what is termed a distinct and prominent interest in 
society, will be the most likely to conduct its affairs 
wisely, justly, and disinterestedly. This would be 
true, if those great principles which lie at the root 
of all happiness were respected ; but unluckily, the 
stake in question, instead of being a stake in jus 
tice and virtue, is usually reduced to be merely a 
stake in property. Now, all experience shows that 


the great property-incentives are to increase pro 
perty, protect property, and to buy with property, 
those advantages which ought to be independent of 
property, viz; honors, dignities, power and immu 
nities. I cannot say how it is with men, but our 
histories are eloquent on this head. We have had 
the property-principle carried out thoroughly in our 
practice, and the result has shown that its chief 
operation is to render property as intact as pos 
sible, and the bones, and sinews, and marrow of all 
who do not possess it, its slaves. In short, the time 
has been, when the rich were even exempt from con 
tributing to the ordinary exigencies of the state. 
But it is quite useless to theorize on this subject, for, 
by that cry in the streets, the lower limb of the great 
postulate is beginning to be obscured, and, alas ! we 
shall soon have too much practical information." 

The Brigadier was right. On referring to the 
clocks, it was found that, in truth, the eclipse had 
commenced some time before, and that we were 
on the verge of an absolute occultation of Princi 
ple, by the basest and most sordid of all motives, 
Pecuniary Interest. 

The first proof that was given of the true state 
of things* was in the language of the people. The 
word interest was in every monikin's mouth, while 
the word principle, as indeed was no more than 
suitable, seemed to be quite blotted out of the Leap- 
low vocabulary. To render a local term into 
English, half of the vernacular of the country ap 
peared to be compressed into the single word " dol 
lar." " Dollar dollar dollar" nothing but " dol 
lar!" "Fifty thousand dollars twenty thousand 
dollars a hundred thousand dollars" met one at 
every turn. The words rang at the corners in the 
public ways at the exchange in the drawing- 
rooms ay, even in the churches. If a temple had 
been reared for the worship of the Creator, the first 


question was, how much did it cost ? If an artist 
submitted the fruits of his labors to the taste of his 
fellow-citizens, conjectures were whispered among 
the spectators, touching its value in the current 
coin of the republic. If an author presented the 
offspring of his genius to the same arbiters, its 
merits were settled by a similar standard; and one 
divirje, who had made a strenuous, but an ill-timed 
appeal to the charity of his countrymen, by setting 
forth the beauties as well as the rewards of the 
god-like property, was fairly put down by a demon 
stration that his proposition involved a considerable 
outlay, while it did not clearly show much was to 
be gained by going to heaven ! 

Brigadier Downright had good reasons for his 
sombre anticipations, for all the acquirements, know 
ledge, and experience, obtained in many years of 
travel, were now found to be worse than useless. 
If my honorable colleague and co- voyager ventured 
a remark on the subject of foreign policy, a portion 
of politics to which he had given considerable atten 
tion, it was answered by a quotation from the stock- 
market ; an observation on a matter of taste was 
certain to draw forth a nice distinction between the 
tastes of certain liquors, together with a shrewd in 
vestigation of their several prices ; and once, when 
the worthy monikin undertook to show, from what 
struck me to be singularly good data, that the foreign 
relations of the country were in a condition to re 
quire great firmness, a proper prudence, and much 
foresight, he was completely silenced by an an 
tagonist showing, from the last sales, the high value 
of lots up-town ! 

In short, there was no dealing with any subject 
that could not resolve itself into dollars, by means 
of the customary exchanges. The infatuation spread 
from father to son ; from husband to wife ; from 


brother to sister, and from one collateral to an 
other, until it pretty effectually assailed the whole 
of what is usually termed " society." Noah swore 
bitterly at this antagonist state of things. He af 
firmed that he could not even crack a walnut in a 
corner, but every monikin that passed appeared to 
grudge him the satisfaction, small as it was; and 
that Stunin'tun, though a scramble-penny place as 
any he knew, was paradise to Leaplow, in the 
present state of things. 

It was melancholy to remark how the lustre of 
the ordinary virtues grew dim, as the period of oc- 
cultation continued, and the eye gradually got to be 
accustomed to the atmosphere cast by the shadow 
of Pecuniary Interest. I involuntarily shuddered 
at the open and undisguised manner in which indi 
viduals, who might otherwise pass for respectable 
monikins, spoke of the means that they habitually 
employed in effecting their objects, and laid bare their 
utter forgetfulness of the great postulate that was 
hid. One coolly vaunted how much cleverer he was 
than the law; another proved to demonstration that 
he had outwitted his neighbor; while a third, more 
daring or more expert, applied the same grounds 
of exultation to the entire neighborhood. This had 
the merit of cunning; that of dissimulation; another 
of deception, and all of success ! 

The shadow cast its malign influence on every 
interest connected with monikin life. Temples were 
raised to God on speculation ; the government was 
perverted to a money-investment, in which profit, 
and not justice and security, was the object ; holy 
wedlock fast took the aspect of buying and selling, 
and few prayed who did not identify spiritual bene 
fits with gold and silver. 

The besetting propensity of my ancestor soon 
began to appear in Leaplow. Many of these pure 


and unsophisticated republicans shouted "Property 
is in danger !" as stoutly as it was ever roared by 
Sir Joseph Job, and dark allusions were made to 
" revolutions" and " bayonets." But certain proof 
of the prevalence of the eclipse, and that the shadow 
of Pecuniary Interest lay dark on the land, was to 
be found in the language of what are called the 
" few." They began to throw dirt at all opposed 
to them, like so many fish-women; a sure symptom 
that the spirit of selfishness was thoroughly awa 
kened. From much experience, I hold this sign 
to be infallible that the sentiment of aristocracy is 
active and vigilant. I never yet visited a country 
in which a minority got into its head the crotchet 
it was alone fit to dictate to the rest of its fellow- 
creatures, that it did not, without delay, set about 
proving its position, by reviling and calling names. 
In this particular " the few" are like women, who, 
conscious of their weakness, seldom fail to make 
up for the want of vigor in their limbs, by having 
recourse to the vigor of the tongue. The " one" 
hangs; the "many" command by the dignity of 
force ; the " few" vituperate and scold. This is, I 
believe, the case all over the world, except in those 
peculiar instances, in which the "few" happen also 
to enjoy the privilege of hanging. 

It is worthy of remark that the terms "rabble," 
"disorganizes," "jacobins," and " agrarians"* were 

* It is scarcely necessary to tell the intelligent reader 
there is no proof that any political community was ever so 
bent on self-destruction as to enact agrarian laws, in the vul 
gar sense in which it has suited the arts of narrow-minded 
politicians to represent them ever since the revival of letters. 
The celebrated agrarian laws of Rome did not essentially dif 
fer from the distribution of our own military lands, or perhaps 
the similitude is greater to the modern Russian military colo 
nies. Those who feel an interest in this subject would do 
well to consult Niebuhr. Note by the Editor. 
VOL. II. 17 


bandied from one to the other, in Leaplow, under 
this malign influence, with precisely the same jus 
tice, discrimination and taste, as they had been used 
by my ancestor in London, a few years before. 
Like causes notoriously produce like effects ; and 
there is no one thing so much like an Englishman 
under the property-fever, as a Leaplow monikin 
suffering under the same malady. 

The effect produced on the state of parties by 
the passage of the shadow of Pecuniary Interest, 
was so singular as to deserve our notice. Patriots 
who had long been known for an indomitable reso 
lution to support their friends, openly abandoned their 
claims on the rewards of the little wheel, and went 
over to the enemy; and this, too, without recourse 
to the mysteries of the "flap-jack." Judge People's 
Friend was completely annihilated for the moment 
so much so, indeed, as to think seriously of taking 
another mission for, during these eclipses, long ser 
vice, public virtue, calculated amenity, and all the 
other bland qualities of your patriot, pass for nothing, 
when weighed in the scale against profit and loss. 
It was fortunate the Leapthrough question was, in its 
essence, so well disposed of, though the uneasiness 
of those who bought and sold land by the inch, 
pushed even that interest before the public again, 
by insisting that a few millions should be expended 
in. destroying the munitions of war, lest the nation 
might improvidently be tempted to make use of 
them in the natural way. The cruisers were ac 
cordingly hauled into the stream and converted 
into tide-mills, the gun-barrels were transformed 
into gas-pipes, and the forts were converted, as fast 
as possible, into warehouses and tea-gardens. After 
this, it was much the fashion to affirm that the 
advanced state of civilization had rendered all future 
wars quite out of the question. Indeed, the impetus 


that was given, oy the effects of the shadow, in this 
way, to humanity in gross, was quite as remark 
able as were its contrary tendencies on humanity 
in detail. 

Public opinion was not backward in showing how 
completely it was acting under the influence of the 
shadow. Virtue began to be estimated by rent-rolls. 
The affluent, without hesitation, or, indeed, opposi 
tion, appropriated to themselves the sole use of the 
word respectable, while taste, judgment, honesty, 
and wisdom, dropped like so many heir-looms 
quietly into the possession of those who had money. 
The Leaplowers are a people of great acuteness, 
and of singular knowledge of details. Every con 
siderable man in Bivouac soon had his social station 
assigned him, the whole community being divided 
into classes, of " hundred-thousand-dollar monikins" 
" fifty-thousand-dollar monikins" " twenty-thou 
sand-dollar monikins." Great conciseness in lan 
guage was a consequence of this state of feeling. 
The old questions of*' is he honest ?' ' is he capable!' 
'is he enlightened?' 'is he wise?' 'is he good?' 
being all comprehended in the single interrogatory 
of ' is he richl' 

There was one effect of this very unusual state 
of things, that I had not anticipated. All the money- 
getting classes, without exception, showed a singu 
lar predilection in favor of what is commonly called 
a strong government ; and Leaplow being not only 
a republic, but virtually a democracy, I found that 
much the larger portion of this highly respectable 
class of citizens, was not at all backward in ex 
pressing its wish for a change. 

"How is this?" I demanded of the Brigadier, 
whom I rarely quitted ; for his advice and opinions 
were of great moment to me, just at this particular 
crisis "how is this, my good friend?- I have 


always been led to think that trade is especially 
favorable to liberty ; and here are all your com 
mercial interests the loudest in their declamations 
against the institutions." 

The Brigadier smiled ; it was but a melancholy 
smile, after all; for his spirits appeared to have 
quite deserted him. 

" There are three great divisions among politi 
cians," he said ; " they who do not like liberty at 
all they who like it, as low down as their own 
particular class and they who like it, for the sake 
of their fellow-creatures. The first are not numer 
ous, but powerful by means of combinations ; the 
second is a very irregular corps,, including, as a 
matter of course, nearly every body, but is want 
ing, of necessity, in concert and discipline, since no 
one descends below his own level ; the third are but 
few, alas, how few ! and are composed of those 
who look beyond their own selfishness. Now, your 
merchants, dwelling in towns, and possessing con 
cert, means, and identity of interests, have been 
able to make themselves remarkable for contending 
with despotic power, a fact which has obtained for 
them a cheap reputation for liberality of opinion ; 
but, so far as monikin experience goes men may 
have proved to be better disposed no government 
that is essentially .influenced by commerce has ever 
been otherwise than exclusive, or aristocratic." 

I bethought me of Venice, Genoa, Pisa, the Hanse 
Towns, and all the other remarkable places of this 
character in Europe, and I felt the justice of my 
friend's distinction, at the same time I could not 
but observe how much more the minds of men 
are under the influence of names and abstractions, 
than under the influence of positive things. To 
this opinion the Brigadier very readily assented, 
remarking, at the same time, that a well-wrought 


theory had generally more effect on opinion than 
fifty facts; a result that he attributed to the circum 
stance of monikins having a besetting predisposition 
to save themselves the trouble of thinking. 

I was, in particular, struck with the effect of the 
occultation of Principle on motives. I had often 
remarked that it was by no means safe to depend 
on one's own motives, for two sufficient reasons ; 
first, that we did not always know what our own 
motives were ; and secondly, admitting that we did, 
it was quite unreasonable to suppose that our 
friends would believe them what we thought them 
to be ourselves. In the present instance, every 
monikin seemed perfectly aware of the difficulty; 
and, instead of waiting for his acquaintances to 
attribute some moral enormity as his governing 
reason, he prudently adopted a moderately selfish 
inducement for his acts, which he proclaimed with 
a simplicity and frankness that generally obtained 
credit. Indeed, the fact once conceded that the 
motive was not offensively disinterested and just, 
no one was indisposed to listen to the projects of 
his friend, who usually rose in estimation, as he was 
found to be ingenious, calculating and shrewd. 
The effect of all this was to render society singu 
larly sincere and plain-spoken ; and one unaccus 
tomed to so much ingenuousness, or who was 
ignorant of the cause, might, plausibly enough, 
suppose, at times, that accident had thrown him into 
an extraordinary association with so many artistes, 
who, as it is commonly expressed, live by their wits. 
I will avow that, had it been the fashion to wear 
pockets at Leaplow, I should often have been con 
cerned for their contents ; for sentiments so purely 
unsophisticated, were so openly advanced under the 
influence of the shadow, that one was inevitably 
led, oftener than was pleasant, to think of the rela- 


tions between meum and tuum, as well as of the 
unexpected causes by which they were sometimes 

A vacancy occurred, the second day of the 
eclipse, among the representatives of Bivouac, and 
the candidate of the Horizontals would certainly 
have been chosen to fill it, but for a contre-lems 
connected with this affair of motives. The individual 
in question had lately performed that which, in most 
other countries, and under other circumstances, 
would have passed for an act of creditable national 
feeling ; but which, quite as a matter of course, was 
eagerly presented to the electors, by his opponents, 
as a proof of his utter unfitness to be intrusted with 
their interests. The friends of the candidate took 
the alarm, and indignantly denied the charges of 
the Perpendiculars, affirming that their monikin 
had been well paid for what he had done. In an 
evil hour, the candidate undertook to explain, by 
means of a handbill, in which he stated that he had 
been influenced by no other motive than a desire 
to do that which he believed to be right. Such a 
person was deemed to be wanting in natural abili 
ties, and, as a matter of course, he was defeated ; 
for your Leaplow elector was not such an ass as to 
confide the care of his interests to one who knew 
so little how to take care of his own. 

About this time, too, a celebrated dramatist pro 
duced a piece in which the hero performed prodi 
gies under the excitement of patriotism, and the 
labor of his pen was incontinently damned for his 
pains ; both pit and boxes the galleries dissenting 
deciding that it was out of all nature to represent a 
monikin incurring danger, in this unheard-of man 
ner, without a motive. The unhappy wight altered 
the last scene, by causing his hero to be rewarded 
by a good, round sum of money, when the piece 


had a very respectable run for the rest of the sea 
son, though I question if it ever were as popular as 
it would have been, had this precaution been taken 
before it was first acted. 


The importance of motives to a legislator Moral consecutive- 
ness, comets, kites, and a convoy; with some every-day 
legislation ; together with cause and effect. - 

LEGISLATION, during the occultation of the great 
moral postulate Principle by the passage of Pecu 
niary Interest, is, at the best, but a melancholy 
affair. It proved to be peculiarly so with us just 
at that moment, for the radiance of the divine 
property had been a good deal obscured, in the 
houses, for a long time previously, by the inter 
ference of various minor satellites. In nothing, 
therefore, did the deplorable state of things which 
existed make itself more apparent, than in our 

As Captain Poke and myself, notwithstanding 
our having taken different stands in politics, still 
continued to live together, I had better opportuni 
ties to note the workings of the obscuration on the 
ingenuous mind of my colleague than on that of 
most other persons. He early began to keep a diary 
of his expenses, regularly deducting the amount at 
night from the sum of eight dollars, and regarding 
the balance as so much clear gain. His conversa 
tion, too, soon betrayed a leaning to his personal in 
terests, instead of being of that pure and elevated 
cast which should characterize the language of a 

200 THE MONIK1N8. 

statesman, He laid down the position, pretty dog 
matically, that legislation, after all, was work; that 
" the laborer was worthy of his hire ;" and that, for 
his part, he felt no great disposition to go through 
the vexation and trouble of helping to make laws, 
unless he could see, with a reasonable certainty, 
that something was to be got by it. He thought 
Leaplow had quite laws enough as it was more 
than she respected or enforced and if she wanted 
any more, all she had to do was to pay for them. 
He should take an early occasion to propose that 
all our wages or, at any rate, his own; others 
might do as they pleased should be raised, at the 
very least, two dollars a day, and this while he 
merely sat in the house ; for he wished to engage 
me to move, by way of amendment, that as much 
more should be given to the committees. He did 
not think it was fair to exact of a member to be a 
committee-man for nothin', although most of them 
were committee-men for nothin' ; and if we were 
called on to keep two watches, in this manner, the 
least that could be done would be to give us two 
pays. He said, considering it in the most favorable 
point of view, that there was great wear and tear 
of brain in legislation, and he should never be the 
man he was before he engaged in the trade ; he 
assured rne that his idees, sometimes, were so com 
plicated that he did not know where to find the one 
he wanted, and that he had wished for a cauda, a 
thousand times, since he had been in the house, for, 
by keeping the end of it in his hand, like the bight 
of a rope, he might always have suthin' tangible 
to cling to. He told me, as a great secret, that he 
was fairly tired of rummaging among his thoughts 
for the knowledge necessary to understand what 
was going on, and that he had finally concluded to 
put himself, for the rest of the session, under the 


convoy of a God-like. He had been looking out for 
a fit fugleman of this sort, and he had pretty much 
determined to follow the signals of the great God 
like of the Parpendic'lars, like the rest of them, for 
it would occasion less confusion in the ranks, and 
enable him to save himself a vast deal of trouble, 
in making up his mind. He didn't know, on the 
whole, but eight dollars a day might give a living 
profit, provided he could throw all the thinking on 
his God-like, and turn his attention to suthin' else ; he 
thought of writing his v'y'ges, for he understood 
that anything from foreign parts took like wild-fire 
in Leaplow ; and if they didn't take, he could always 
project charts for a living. 

Perhaps it will be necessary to explain what 
Noah meant by saying that he thought of engaging 
a God-like. The reader has had some insight into 
the nature of one set of political leaders in Leap- 
low, who are known by the name of the Most 
Patriotic Patriots. These persons, it is scarcely 
necessary to say, are always with the majority, or 
in a situation to avail themselves of the evolutions 
of the little wheel. Their great rotatory principle 
keeps them pretty constantly in motion, it is true ; 
but while there is a centrifugal force to maintain 
this action, great care has been had to provide a 
centripetal counterpoise, in order to prevent them 
from bolting out of the political orbit. It is supposed 
to be owing to this peculiarity in their party organ 
izations, that your Leaplow patriot is so very 
remarkable for going round and round a subject, 
without ever touching it. 

As an off-set to this party arrangement, the Per 
pendiculars have taken refuge in the God-likes. A 
God-like, in Leaplow politics, in some respects re 
sembles a saint in the Catholic calendar; that is to 
say, he is canonized, after passing through a certain 


amount of temptation and vice with a whole skin ; 
after having his cause pleaded for a certain number 
of years before the high authorities of his party ; 
and, usually, after having had a pretty good taste 
of purgatory. Canonization attained, however, all 
gets to be plain sailing with him. He is spared, 
singular as it may appear, even a large portion of 
his former " wear and tear" of brains, as Noah had 
termed it, for nothing puts one so much at liberty in 
this respect, as to have full powers to do all the think 
ing. Thinking in company, like travelling in com 
pany, requires that we should have some respect to 
the movements, wishes and opinions of others ; but 
he who gets a carte blanche for his sentiments, 
resembles the uncaged bird, and may fly in what 
ever direction most pleases himself, and feel confi 
dent, as he goes, that his ears will be saluted with 
the usual traveller's signal of " all's right." I can 
best compare the operation of your God-like and his 
votaries, to the action of a locomotive with its rail 
road train. As that goes, this follows; faster or 
slower, the movement is certain to be accompa 
nied ; when the steam is up they fly, when the fire 
is out they crawl, and that, too, with a very uneasy 
sort of motion ; and when a bolt is broken, they 
who have just been riding without the smallest 
trouble to themselves, are compelled to get out and 
push the load ahead as well as they can, frequently 
with very rueful faces, and in very dirty ways. 
The cars whisk about, precisely as the locomotive 
whisks about, all the turn-outs are necessarily imi 
tated, and, in short, one goes after the other very 
much as it is reasonable to suppose will happen 
when two bodies are chained together, and the 
entire moving power is given to only one of them. 
A God-like in Leaplow, moreover, is usually a Rid 
dle. It was the object of Noah to hitch on to one of 


these moral steam-tugs, in order that he too might 
be dragged through his duties without effort to 
himself; an expedient, as the old sealer expressed 
it, that would, in some degree, remedy his natural 
want of a cauda, by rendering him nothing but tail. 

" I expect, Sir John," he said, for he had a prac 
tice of expecting by way of conjecture, " I expect 
this is the reason why the Leaplowers dock them 
selves. They find it more convenient to give up 
the management of their affairs to some one of 
these God-likes, and fall into his wake like the tail of 
a comet, which makes it quite unnecessary to have 
any other cauda" 

" I understand you ; they amputate to prevent 

Noah rarely spoke of any project until his mind 
was fairly made up; and the execution usually soon 
followed the proposition. The next thing I heard 
of him, therefore, he was fairly under the convoy, 
as he called it, of one of the most prominent of the 
Riddles. Curious to know how he liked the experi 
ment, after a week's practice, I called his attention 
to the subject, by a pretty direct inquiry. 

He told me it was altogether the pleasantest 
mode of legislating that had ever been devised. He 
was now perfectly master of his own time, and 
in fact, he was making out a set of charts for the 
Leaplow marine, a task that was likely to bring 
him in a good round sum, as pumpkins were cheap, 
and in the polar seas he merely copied the monikin 
authorities, and out of it he had things pretty much 
his own way. As for the Great Allegory, when he 
wanted a hint about it, or, indeed, about any other 
point at issue, all he had to do was to inquire what 
his God-like thought about it, and to vote accord 
ingly. Then he saved himself a great deal of breath 
in the way of argument out of doors, for he and 


the rest of the clienlelle of this Riddle, having offi 
cially invested their patron with all their own parts, 
the result had been such an accumulation of know 
ledge in this one individual, as enabled them ordina 
rily to floor any antagonist by the simple quotation 
of his authority. Such or such is the opinion of 
God-like this or of God-like that, was commonly 
sufficient ; and then there was no lack of material, 
for he had taken care to provide himself with a 
Riddle who, he really believed, had given an opin 
ion, at some time or other, on every side of every 
subject that had ever been mooted in Leaplow. He 
could nullify, or mollify, or qualify, with the best of 
them ; and these, which he termed the three fies, he 
believed were the great requisites of a Leaplow 
legislator. He admitted, however, that some show 
of independence was necessary, in order to give 
value to the opinions of even a God-like, for moni- 
kin nature revolted at anything like total mental 
dependence; and that he had pretty much made 
up his mind to think for himself on a question that 
was to be decided that very day. 

The case to which the Captain alluded was this. 
The city of Bivouac was divided into three pretty 
nearly equal parts, which were separated from each 
other by two branches of a marsh ; one part of the 
town being on a sort of island, and the other two 
parts on the respective margins of the low land. 
It was very desirable to connect these different por 
tions of the capital by causeways, and a law to that 
effect had been introduced in the house. Every 
body, in or out of the house, was in favor of the 
project, for the causeways had become, in somo 
measure, indispensable. The only disputed point 
was the length of the works in question. One who 
is but little acquainted with legislation, and who has 
never witnessed the effects of an occultation of 


the great moral postulate Principle, by the orb of 
Pecuniary Interest, would very plausibly suppose 
that the whole affair lay in a nut-shell, and that all 
we had to do was to pass a law ordering the cause 
ways to extend just as far as the public conve 
nience rendered it necessary. But these are mere 
tyros in the affairs of monikins. The fact was 
that there were just as many different opinions and 
interests at work to regulate the length of the cause 
ways, as there were owners of land along their line 
of route. The great object was to start in what was 
called the business quarter of the town, and then to 
proceed with the work as far as circumstances 
would allow. We had propositions before us in 
favor of from one hundred feet as far as up to ten 
thousand. Every inch was fought for with as much 
obstinacy as if it were an important breach that 
was defended ; and combinations and conspiracies 
were as rife as if we were in the midst of a revolu 
tion. It was the general idea that by filling in with 
dirt, a new town might be built wherever the cause 
way terminated, and fortunes made by an act of 
parliament. The inhabitants of the island rallied en 
masse against the causeway leading one inch from 
their quarter, after it had fairly reached it ; and, so 
throughout the entire line, monikins battled for what 
they called their interests, with an obstinacy worthy 
of heroes. 

On this great question, for it had, in truth, become 
of the last importance by dragging into its consider 
ation most of the leading measures of the day, as 
well as six or seven of the principal ordinances of 
the Great National Allegory, the respective parti 
sans logically contending that, for the time being, 
nothing should advance a foot in Leaplow that did 
not travel along that causeway, Noah determined 
to take an independent stand. This resolution was 

VOL. II. 18 


not lightly formed, for he remained rather unde 
cided, until, by waiting a sufficient time, he felt 
quite persuaded that nothing was to be got by fol 
lowing any other course. His God-like luckily was 
in the same predicament, and everything promised 
a speedy occasion to show the world what it was to 
act on principle ; and this, too, in the middle of a 
moral eclipse. 

When the question came to be discussed, the 
landholders along the first line of the causeway 
were soon reasoned down by the superior interests 
of those who lived on the island. The rub was the 
point of permitting the work to go any further. 
The islanders manifested great liberality, according 
to their account of themselves ; for they even con 
sented that the causeway should be constructed on 
the other marsh to precisely such a distance as would 
enable any one to go as near as possible to the hos 
tile quarter, without absolutely entering it. To 
admit the latter, they proved to demonstration, 
would be changing the character of their own 
island from that of an entrepot to that of a mere 
thoroughfare. No reasonable monikin could ex 
pect it of them. 

As the Horizontals, by some calculation that I 
never understood, had satisfied themselves it might 
better answer their purposes to construct the entire 
work, than to stop anywhere between the two 
extremes, my duty was luckily, on this occasion, in 
exact accordance with my opinions ; and, as a 
matter of course, I voted, this time, in a way of 
which I could approve. Noah, finding himself a free 
agent, now made his push for character, and took 
sides with us. Very fortunately we prevailed, all 
the beaten interests joining themselves, at the last 
moment, to the weakest side, or, in other words, to 
that which was right ; and Leaplow presented the 


singular spectacle of having a just enactment passed 
during the occultation of the great moral postulate, 
so often named. I ought to mention that I have 
termed principle a postulate, throughout this narra 
tive, simply because it is usually in the dilemma of 
a disputed proposition. 

No sooner was the result known, than my wor 
thy colleague came round to the Horizontal side 
of the house, to express his satisfaction with him 
self for the course he had just taken. He said it 
was certainly very convenient and very labor- 
saving to obey a God-like, and that he got on much 
better with his charts now he was at liberty to give 
his whole mind to the subject; but there was suthin' 
he did n't know what but " a sort of Stunin'tun 
feeling" in doing what one thought right, after all, 
that caused him to be glad that he had voted for 
the whole causeway. He did not own any land in 
Leaplow, and, therefore, he concluded that what he 
had done, he had done for the best ; at any rate, if 
he had got nothih' by it, he had lost nothin' by it, 
and he hoped all would come right in the end. The 
people of the island, it is true, had talked pretty fair 
about what they would do for those who should 
sustain their interests, but he had got sick of a cur 
rency in promises ; and fair words, at his time of 
life, did n't go for much ; and so, on the whole, he 
had pretty much concluded to do as he had done. 
He thought no one could call in question his vote, 
for he was just as poor and as badly off now he had 
voted, as he was while he was making up his mind. 
For his part, he shouldn't be ashamed, hereafter, 
to look both Deacon Snort and the Parson in the 
face, when he got home, or even Miss Poke. He 
knew what it was to have a clean conscience, as 
well as any man ; for none so well knew what it 
was to be without anything, as they who had felt 


by experience its want. His God-like was a very 
labor-saving God-like ; but he had found, on inquiry, 
that he came from another part of the island, and 
that he did n't care a straw which way his kite-tail 
(Noah's manner of pronouncing dientelle) voted. 
In short, he defied any one say aught ag'in him 
this time, and he was not sorry the occasion had 
offered to show his independence, for his enemies 
had not been backward in remarking that, for some 
days, he had been little better than a speaking- 
trumpet to roar out anything his God-like might 
wish to have proclaimed. He concluded by stating 
that he could not hold out much longer without 
meat of some sort or other, and by begging that I 
would second a resolution he thought of offering, by 
which regular substantial rations were to be dealt 
out to all the human part of the house. The inhu- 
mans might live upon nuts still, if they liked them. 

I remonstrated against the project of the rations 
made a strong appeal to his pride, by demonstrating 
that we should be deemed little better than brutes 
if we were seen eating flesh, and advised him to 
cause some of his nuts to be roasted, by way of 
varietv. After a good deal of persuasion, he prom 
ised further abstinence, although he went away 
with a singularly carnivorous look about the mouth, 
and an eye that spoke pork in every glance. 

I was at home the next day, busy with my friend 
the Brigadier, in looking over the Great National 
Allegory, with a view to prevent falling, unwit 
tingly, into any more offences of quoting its opin 
ions, when Noah burst into the room, as rabid as a 
wolf that had been bitten by a whole pack of 
hounds. Such, indeed, was, in some measure, his 
situation ; for, according to his statement, he had 
been baited that morning, in the public streets even, 
by every monikin, monikina, monikino, brat and beg- 


gar, that he had seen. Astonished to hear that my 
colleague had fallen into this disfavor with his con 
stituents, I was not slow in asking an explanation. 

The Captain affirmed that the matter was beyond 
the reach of any explanation it was in his power to 
give. He had voted in the affair of the causeway, 
in strict conformity with the dictates of his con 
science, and yet h'ere was the whole population 
accusing him of bribery nay, even the journals 
had openly flouted at him for what they called his 
barefaced and flagrant corruption. Here the Cap & 
tain laid before us six or seven of the leading jour 
nals of Bivouac, in all of which his late vote was 
treated with quite as little ceremony as if it had 
been an unequivocal act of sheep-stealing. 

I looked at my friend the Brigadier for an expla 
nation. After running his eye over the articles in 
the journals, the latter smiled, and cast a look of 
commiseration at our colleague. 

" You have certainly committed a grave fault 
here, my friend," he said, " and one that is seldom 
forgiven in Leaplow perhaps I might say never, 
during the occultation of the great moral postulate, 
as happens to be the case at present." 

" Tell me my sins at once, Brigadier," cried 
Noah, with the look of a martyr, " and put me out 
of pain." 

" You have forgotten to display a motive for your 
stand during the late hot discussion; and, as a mat 
ter of course, the community ascribes the worst 
that monikin ingenuity can devise. Such an over 
sight would ruin even a God-like !" 

" But, my dear Mr. Downright," I kindly inter 
posed, " our colleague, in this instance, is supposed 
to have acted on principle." 

The Brigadier looked up, turning his nose into 


the air, like a pup that has not yet opened its 
eyes, and then intimated that he could not see the 
quality I had named, it being obscured by the pas 
sage of the orb of Pecuniary Interest before its 
disk. I now began to comprehend the case, which 
really was much more grave than, at first, I could 
have believed possible. Noah himself seemed stag 
gered ; for, I believe, he had fallen on the simple 
and natural expedient of inquiring what he himself 
would have thought of the conduct of a colleague 
who had given a vote on a subject so weighty, with 
out exposing a motive. 

" Had the Captain owned but a foot square of 
earth, at the end of the causeway," observed the 
Brigadier, mournfully, "the matter might be cleared 
up ; but as things are, it is, beyond dispute, a most 
unfortunate occurrence." 

"But Sir John voted with me, and he is no more 
a freeholder in Leaplow, than I am myself." 

" True ; but Sir John voted with the bulk of his 
political friends." 

"All the Horizontals were not in the majority; 
for at least twenty went, on this occasion, with the 

" Undeniable yet every monikin of them had a 
visible motive. This owned a lot by the way-side ; 
that had houses on the island, and another was the 
heir of a great proprietor at the same point of the 
road. Each and all had their distinct and positive 
interests at stake, and not one of them was guilty 
of so great a weakness as to leave his cause to be 
defended by the extravagant pretension of mere 
Principle !" 

" My God-like, the greatest of all the Riddles, 
absented himself, and did not vote at all." 

" Simply because he had no good ground to 
justify any course he might take. No public moni- 


kin can expect to escape censure, if he fail to put 
his friends in the way of citing some. plausible and 
intelligible motive for his conduct." 

" How, sir ! cannot a man, once in his life, do 
an act without being bought like a horse or a dog, 
and escape with an inch of character ?" 

" I shall not take upon myself to say what men 
can do," returned the Brigadier ; " no doubt they, 
manage this affair better than it is managed here ; 
but, so far as monikins are concerned, there is no 
course more certain to involve a total loss of char 
acter I may say so destructive to reputation even 
for intellect as to act without a good, apparent 
and substantial motive" 

"In the name of God, what is to be done, Briga 

" I see no other course than to resign. Your con 
stituents must very naturally have lost all confi 
dence in you ; for one who so very obviously neg 
lects his own interests, it cannot be supposed will 
be very tenacious about protecting the interests of 
others. If you would escape with the little charac 
ter that is left, you will forthwith resign. I do not 
perceive the smallest chance for you by going 
through Gyration No. 4, both public opinions uni 
formly condemning the monikin who acts without 
a pretty obvious, as well as a pretty weighty, mo 

Noah made a merit of necessity; and, after some 
further deliberation between us, he signed his name 
to the following letter to the Speaker, which was 
drawn up on the spot> by the Brigadier. 

MR. SPEAKER: The state of my health obliges me to 
return the high political trust which has been confided to me 
by the citizens of Bivouac, into the hands from which it was 
received. In tendering my resignation, I wish to express the 


great regret with which I part from colleagues so every way 
worthy of profound respect and esteem, and I beg you to 
assure them, that wherever fate may hereafter lead me, 
I shall ever retain the deepest regard for every honorable 
member with whom it has been my good fortune to serve. 
The emigrant interest, in particular, will ever be the nearest 
and dearest to my heart. 

Signed, NOAH POKE. 

The Captain did not affix his name to this let 
ter without many heavy sighs, and divers throes 
of ambition ; for even a mistaken politician yields 
to necessity with regret. Having changed the 
word emigrant to that of " immigrunt," however, 
he put as good a face as possible on the matter, 
and wrote the fatal signature. He then left the 
house, .declaring that he didn't so much begrudge 
his successor the pay, as nothing but nuts were to 
be had with the money; and that, as for himself, ho 
felt as sneaking as he believed was the case with 
Nebuchadnezzar, when he was compelled to get 
down on all-fours, and eat grass. 


Some explanations A human appetite A dinner, and a 
bonne bouche. 

THE Brigadier and myself remained behind to 
discuss the general bearings of this unexpected 

" Your rigid demand for motives, my good sir," 
I remarked, "reduces the Leaplow political moral 
ity very much, after all, to the level of the social- 
stake system of our part of the world." 

" They both depend on the crutch of personal 


interests, it is true ; though there is, between them, 
the difference of the interests of a part and of the 
interests of the whole." 

"And could a part act less commendably than 
the whole appear to have acted in this instance 1" 

" You forget that Leaplow, just at this moment, 
is under a moral eclipse. I shall not say that these 
eclipses do not occur often, but they occur quite as 
frequently in other parts of the region, as they occur 
here. We have three great modes of controlling 
monikin affairs, viz. the one, the few, and the 
many -" 

" Precisely the same classification exists among 
men !" I interrupted. 

" Some of our improvements are reflected back 
wards ; twilight following as well as preceding the 
passage of the sun," quite coolly returned the Briga 
dier. "We think that the many come nearest to 
balancing the evil, although we are far from be 
lieving even them to be immaculate. Admitting 
that the tendencies to wrong are equal in the three 
systems, (which we do not, however, for we think 
our own has the least,) it is contended that the 
many escape one great source of oppression and 
injustice, by escaping the onerous provisions which 
physical weakness is compelled to make, in order 
to protect itself against physical strength." 

" This is reversing a very prevalent opinion 
among men, sir, who usually maintain that the 
tyranny of the many is the worst sort of all tyran 

" This opinion has got abroad simply because the 
lion has not been permitted to draw his own picture. 
As cruelty is commonly the concomitant of coward 
ice, so is oppression nine times out of ten the result 
of weakness. It is natural for the few to dread the 
many, while it is not natural for the many to dread 


the few. Then, under institutions in which the 
many rule, certain great principles that are founded 
on natural justice, as a matter of course, are openly 
recognized ; and it is rare, indeed, that they do not, 
more or less, influence the public acts. On the other 
hand, the control of a few requires that these same 
truths should be either mistified or entirely smo 
thered ; and the consequence is injustice." 

" But, admitting all your maxims, Brigadier, as 
regards the few and the many, you must yourself 
allow that here, in your beloved Leaplow itself, 
monikins consult their own interests; and this, after 
all, is acting on the fundamental principle of the 
great European social-stake system." 

" Meaning that the goods of the world ought to 
be the test of political power. By the sad confusion 
which exists among us, at this moment, Sir John, 
you must perceive that we are not exactly under 
the most salutary of all possible influences. I take 
it that the great Desideratum of society is to be 
governed by certain great moral truths. The infer 
ences and corollaries of these truths are principles, 
which come of heaven. Now, agreeably to the 
monikin dogmas, the love of money is ' of the earth, 
earthy ;' and, at the first blush, it would not seem 
to be quite safe to receive such an inducement as 
the governing motive of one monikin, and, by a 
pretty fair induction, it would seem to be equally 
unwise to admit it for a good many. You will 
remember, also, that when none but the rich have 
authority, they control not only their own property, 
but that of others who have less. Your principle 
supposes, that in taking care of his own, the elector 
of wealth must take care of what belongs to the 
rest of the community ; but our experience shows 
that a monikin can be particularly careful of him 
self, and singularly negligent of his neighbor. There- 


fore do we hold that money is a bad foundation for 

"You unsettle everything, Brigadier, without 
finding a substitute." 

" Simply because it is easy to unsettle everything, 
and very difficult to find substitutes. But, as re 
spects the base of society, I merely doubt the wisdom 
of setting up a qualification that we all know depends 
on an unsound principle. I much fear, Sir John, 
that, so long as monikins are monikins, we shall 
never be quite perfect ; and as to your social-stake 
system, I am of opinion that as society is composed 
of all, it may be well to hear what all have to say 
about its management." 

" Many men, and, I dare say, many monikins, 
are not to be trusted even with the management of 
their own concerns." 

"Very true; but it does not follow that other 
men, or other monikins, will lose sight of their own 
interests on this account, if vested with the right 
to act as their substitutes. You have been long 
enough a legislator, now, to have got some idea 
how difficult it is to make even a direct and respon 
sible representative respect entirely the interests and 
wishes of his constituents ; and the fact will show 
you how little he will be likely to think of others, 
who believes that he acts as their master and not 
as their servant." 

" The amount of all this, Brigadier, is that you 
have little faith in monikin disinterestedness, in any 
shape ; that you believe he who is intrusted with 
power will abuse it ; and therefore you choose to 
divide the trust, in order to divide the abuses ; that 
the love of money is an ' earthy 1 quality, and not to 
be confided in as the controlling power of a state ; 
and, finally, that the social-stake system is radically 


wrong, inasmuch as it is no more than carrying 
out a principle that is in itself defective ?" 

My companion gaped, like one content to leave 
the matter there. I wished him a good morning, 
and walked up stairs in quest of Noah, whose car 
nivorous looks had given me considerable uneasi 
ness. The Captain was out; and, after searching 
for him in the streets, for an hour or two, I returned 
to our abode fatigued and hungry. 

At no great distance from our own door, I met 
Judge People's Friend, shorn and dejected, and I 
stopped to say a kind word, before going up the 
ladder. It was quite impossible to see a gentleman, 
whom one had met in good society and in better 
fortunes, with every hair shaved from his body, his 
apology for a tail still sore from its recent amputa 
tion, and his entire mien expressive of republican 
humility, without a desire to condole with him. I 
expressed my regrets, therefore, as succinctly as 
possible, encouraging him with the hope of seeing 
a new covering of down before long, but delicately 
abstaining from any allusion to the cauda, whose 
loss I knew was irretrievable. To my great surprise, 
however, the Judge answered cheerfully ; discard 
ing, for the moment, every appearance of self- 
abasement and mortification. 

"How is this?" I cried ; "you are not then mise 

"Very far from it, Sir John I never was in 
better spirits, or had better prospects, in my life." 

I remembered the extraordinary manner in which 
the Brigadier had saved Noah's head, and was fully 
resolved not to be astonished at any manifestation 
of monikin ingenuity. Still I could not forbear de 
manding an explanation. 

" Why, it may seem odd to you, Sir John, to find 
a politician, who is apparently in the depths of des- 


pair, really on the eve of a glorious preferment. 
Such, however, is in fact my case. In Leaplow, 
humility is everything. The monikin who will take 
care and repeat sufficiently often that he is just 
the poorest devil going, that he is absolutely unfit 
for even the meanest employment in the land, and 
in other respects ought to be hooted out of society, 
may very safely consider himself in a fair way to 
be elevated to some of the dignities he declares 
himself the least fitted to fill." 

" In such a case, all he will have to do, then, 
will be to make his choice, and denounce himself 
loudest touching his especial disqualifications for that 
very station?" 

" You are apt, Sir John, and would succeed, if 
you would only consent to remain among us!" said 
the Judge, winking. 

"I begin to see into your management after 
all, you are neither miserable nor ashamed ?" 

" Not the least in the world. It is of more im 
portance for monikins of my calibre to seem to be 
anything than to be it. My fellow-citizens are 
usually satisfied with this sacrifice ; and, now Prin 
ciple is eclipsed, nothing is easier." 

" But how happens it, Judge, that one of your 
surprising dexterity and agility should be caught 
tripping 1 I had thought you particularly expert, 
and infallible in all the gyrations. Perhaps the 
little affair of the cauda has leaked out ?" 

The Judge laughed in my face. 

" I see you know little of us, after all, Sir John. 
Here have we proscribed caudce, as anti-republican, 
both public Opinions setting their faces against them ; 
and yet a monikin may wear one abroad a mile 
long with impunity, if he will just submit to a new 
dock when he comes home, and swear that he is 

VOL. II. 19 


the most miserable wretch going. If he can throw 
in a favorable word, too, touching the Leaplow 
cats and dogs Lord bless you, sir! they would 
pardon treason !" 

" I begin to comprehend your policy, Judge, if 
not your polity. Leaplow being a popular govern 
ment, it becomes necessary that its public agents 
should be popular too. Now, as monikins naturally 
delight in their own excellencies, nothing so dis 
poses them to give credit to another, as his profes 
sions that he is worse than themselves." 

The Judge nodded and grinned. 

" But another word, dear sir as you feel your 
self constrained to commend the cats and dogs of 
Leaplow, do you belong to that school of philocats, 
who take their revenge for their amenity to the 
quadrupeds, by berating their fellow-creatures ?" 

The Judge started, and glanced about him as if 
he dreaded a thief-taker. Then earnestly imploring 
me to respect his situation, he added in a whisper, 
that the subject of the people was sacred with him, 
that he rarely spoke of them without a reverence, 
and that his favorable sentiments in relation to the 
cats and dogs were not dependent on any particu 
lar merits of the animals themselves, but merely 
because they were the people's cats and dogs. 
Fearful that I might say something still more dis 
agreeable, the Judge hastened to take his leave, and 
I never saw him afterwards. I make no doubt, 
however, that in good time his hair grew as he 
grew again into favor, and that he found the means 
to exhibit the proper length of tail on all suitable 

A crowd in the street now caught my attention. 
On approaching it, a colleague who was there was 
kind enough to explain its cause. 

It would seem that certain Leaphighers had been 


travelling in Leaplow ; and, not satisfied with this 
liberty, they had actually written books concerning 
things that they had seen, and things that they had 
not seen. As respects the latter, neither of the pub 
lic opinions was very sensitive, although many of 
them reflected severely on the Great National 
Allegory and the sacred rights of monikins ; but as 
respects the former, there was a very lively excite 
ment. These writers had the audacity to say that 
the Leaplowers had cut off all their caudce, and the 
whole community was convulsed at an outrage so 
unprecedented. It was one thing to take such a 
step, and another to have it proclaimed to the 
world in books. If the Leaplowers had no tails, it 
was clearly their own fault. Nature had formed 
them with tails. They had bobbed themselves 
on a republican principle ; and no one's principles 
ought to be thrown into his face, in this rude 
manner, more especially during a moral eclipse. 

The dispensers of the essence of lopped tails 
threatened vengeance; caricaturists were put in 
requisition; some grinned, some menaced, some 
swore, and all read ! 

I left the crowd, taking the direction of my door 
again, pondering on this singular state of society, 
in which a peculiarity that had been deliberately 
and publicly adopted, should give rise to a sensi 
tiveness of a character so unusual. I very well 
knew that men are commonly more ashamed of 
natural imperfections than of those which, in a 
great measure, depend on themselves ; but then men 
are, in their own estimation at least, placed by 
nature at the head of creation, and in that capacity 
it is reasonable to suppose they will be jealous of 
their natural privileges. The present case was 
rather Leaplow than generic; and I could only 
account for it, by supposing that Nature had placed 


certain nerves in the wrong part of the Leaplow 

On entering the house, a strong smell of roasted 
meat saluted my nostrils, causing a very unphi- 
losophical pleasure to the olfactory nerves, a plea 
sure which acted very directly, too, on the gastric 
juices of the stomach. In plain English. I had very 
sensible evidence that it was not enough to trans 
port a man to the monikin region, send him to par 
liament and keep him on nuts for a week, to render 
him exclusively ethereal. I found it was vain " to 
kick against the pricks." The odor of roasted 
meat was stronger than all the facts just named, 
and I was fain to abandon philosophy, and surren 
der to the belly. I descended incontinently to the 
kitchen, guided by a sense no more spiritual than 
that which directs the hound in the chase. 

On opening the door of our refectory, such a 
delicious perfume greeted the nose, that I melted 
like a romantic girl at the murmur of a waterfall, 
and, losing sight of all the sublime truths so lately 
acquired, I was guilty of the particular human 
weakness which is usually described as having the 
" mouth water." 

The sealer had quite taken leave of his monikin 
forbearance, and was enjoying himself in a pecu 
liarly human manner. A dish of roasted meat was 
lying before him, and his eyes fairly glared as he 
turned them from me to the viand, in a way to ren 
der it a little doubtful whether I was a welcome 
visiter. But that honest old principle of seamen, 
which never refuses to share equally with an ancient 
messmate, got the better even of his voracity. 

" Sit down, Sir John," the Captain cried, without 
ceasing to masticate, " and make no bones of it. 
To own the fact, the latter are almost as good as 
th flesh. I never tasted a sweeter morsel !" 


I did not wait for a second invitation, the reader 
may be sure ; and in less than ten minutes the dish 
was as clear as a table that had been swept by 
harpies. As this work is intended for one in which 
truth is rigidly respected, I shall avow that I do not 
remember any cultivation of sentiment which gave 
me half so much satisfaction as that short and hur 
ried repast. I look back to it, even now, as to the 
very beau ideal of a dinner ! Its fault was in the 
quantity, and not in quality. 

I gazed greedily about for more. Just then, I 
caught a glimpse of a face that seemed looking at 
me with melancholy reproach. The truth flashed 
upon me in a flood of horrible remorse. Rushing 
upon Noah like a tiger, I seized him by the throat, 
and cried, in a voice of despair: 

" Cannibal ! what hast thou done ?" 

" Loosen your gripe, Sir John we do not relish 
these hugs at Stunin'tun." 

" Wretch ! thou hast made me the participator 
of thy crime! We have eaten Brigadier Down 
right !" 

" Loosen, Sir John, or human natur' will rebel." 

" Monster ! give up thy unholy repast dost not 
see a million reproaches in the eyes of the innocent 
victim of thy insatiable appetites ?" 

" Cast off, Sir John, cast off, while we are friends. 
J care not if I have swallowed all the Brigadiers in 
Leaplow off hands !" 

" Never, monster ! until thou disgorgest thy un 
holy meal !" 

Noah could endure no more ; but, seizing me by 
the throat, on the retaliating principle, I soon had 
some such sensations as one would be apt to feel 
if his gullet were in a vice. I shall not attempt to 
describe very minutely the miracle that followed. 
Hanging ought to be an effectual remedy for many 


delusions ; for, in my case, the bow-string I was 
under certainly did wonders in a very short time. 
Gradually the whole scene changed. First came a 
mist, then a vertigo ; and finally, as the Captain re 
laxed his hold, objects appeared in new forms, and in 
stead of being in our lodgings in Bivouac,! found my 
self in my old apartment in the Rue de Rivoli, Paris. 

" King !" exclaimed Noah, who stood before me, 
red in me face with exertion; "this is no boy's 
play, and if it's to be repeated, I shall use a lash 
ing ! Where would be the harm, Sir John, if a 
man had eaten a monkey ?" 

Astonishment kept me mute. Every object, just 
as I had left it the morning we started for London, 
on our way to Leaphigh, was there. A table, in 
the centre of the room, was covered with sheets of 
paper closely written over, which, on examination, 
I found contained this manuscript as far as the last 
chapter. Both the Captain and myself were attired 
as usual ; I a la Parisienne, and he a la Stunin'tun. 
A small ship, very ingeniously made, and very 
accurately rigged, lay on the floor, with "Walrus" 
written on her stern. As my bewildered eye caught 
a glimpse of this vessel, Noah informed me that, 
having nothing to do except to look after my wel 
fare, (a polite way of characterizing his ward over 
my person, as I afterwards found,) he had employed 
his leisure in constructing the toy. 

All was inexplicable. There was really the 
smell of meat. I had also that peculiar sensa 
tion of fullness which is apt to succeed a dinner, 
and a dish well filled with bones was in plain view. 
I took up one of the latter, in order to ascertain its 
genus. The Captain kindly informed me that it 
was the remains of a pig, which it had cost him a 
great deal of trouble to obtain, as the French viewed 
the act of eating a pig but very little less heinous 


than the act of eating a child. Suspicions began to 
trouble me, and I now turned to look for the head 
and reproachful eye of the Brigadier. 

The head was where I had just before seen it, 
visible over the top of a trunk ; but it was so far 
raised as to enable me to see that it was still planted 
on its shoulders. A second look, enabled me to 
distinguish the meditative, philosophical countenance 
of Dr. Reasono, who was still in the hussar-jacket 
and petticoat, though, being in the house, he had 
very properly laid aside the Spanish hat with be 
draggled feathers. 

A movement followed in the ante-chamber, and 
a hurried conversation, in a low earnest tone, suc 
ceeded. The Captain disappeared, and joined the 
speakers. I listened intently, but could not catch 
any of the intonations of a dialect founded on the 
decimal principle. Presently the door opened, and 
Dr. Etherington stood before me j 

The good divine regarded me long and earnestly. 
Tears filled his eyes, and, stretching out both hands 
towards me, he asked : 

" Do you know me, Jack ?" 

" Know you, dear sir ! Why should I not ?" 

" And do you forgive me, dear boy ?" 

"For what, sir? I am sure, I have most reason 
to demand your pardon for a thousand follies." 

" Ah ! the letter the unkind the inconsiderate 

" I have not had a letter from you, sir, in a twelve 
month : the last was anything but unkind." 

" Though Anna wrote, it was at my dictation." 

I passed a hand over my brow, and had dawn- 
ings of the truth. 


" Is here in Paris, and miserable most mise 
rable ! on your account." 


Every particle of monikinity that was left in my 
system instantly gave way to a flood of human sen 

" Let me fly to her, dear sir a moment is an 

" Not just yet, my boy. We have much to say 
to each other, nor is she in this hotel. To-morrow, 
when both are better prepared, you shall meet." 

" Add, never to separate, sir, and I will be patient 
as a lamb." 

" Never to separate, I believe it will be better to 

I hugged my venerable guardian, and found a 
delicious relief from a most oppressive burthen of 
sensations, in a flow of tears. 

Dr. Etherington soon led me into a calmer tone 
of mind. In the course of the day, many matters 
were discussed and settled. I was told that Captain 
Poke had been a good nurse, though in a sealing 
fashion ; and that the least I could do was to send 
him back to Stunin'tun, free of cost. This was 
agreed to, and the worthy but dogmatical mariner 
was promised the means of fitting out a new 
" Debby and Dolly." 

" These philosophers had better be presented to 
some academy," observed the Doctor, smiling, as 
he pointed to the family of amiable strangers, " be 
ing already F. U. D. G. E 's and H. O. A. X 's. Mr. 
Reasono, in particular, is unfit for ordinary society." 

"Do with them as you please, my more than 
father. Let the poor animals, however, be kept 
from physical suffering." 

" Attention shall be paid to all their wants, both 
physical and moral." 

" And in a day or two, we shall proceed to the 
rectory ?" 

" The day after to-morrow, if you have strength." 


" And to-morrow ? 

" Anna will see you." 

"And the next day?" 

" Nay, not quite so soon, Jack ; but the moment 
we think you perfectly restored, she shall share 
your fortunes for the remainder of your common 


Explanations A leave-taking Love Confessions, but no 

A NIGHT of sweet repose left me refreshed, and 
with a pulse that denoted less agitation than on the 
preceding day. I awoke early, had a bath, and sent 
for Captain Poke to take his coffee with me, before 
we parted; for it had been settled, the previous 
evening, that he was to proceed towards Stunin'tun, 
forthwith. My old messmate, colleague, co-adven 
turer, and fellow-traveller, was not slow in obeying 
the summons. I confess his presence was a com 
fort to me, for I did not like looking at objects that 
had been so inexplicably replaced before my eyes, 
unsupported by the countenance of one who had 
gone through so many grave scenes in my com 

" This has been a very extraordinary voyage of 
ours, Captain Poke," I remarked, after the worthy 
sealer had swallowed sixteen eggs, an omelette, 
seven cotelettes, and divers accessaries. " Do you 
think of publishing your private journal?" 

"Why, in my opinion, Sir John, the less that 
either of us says of v'y'ge the better." 

" And why so ? We have had the discoveries of 
Columbus, Cook, Vancouver and Hudson why 
not those of Captain Poke?" 


" To own the truth, we sealers do not like to 
speak of our cruising grounds and, as for these 
monikins, after all, what are they good for? A 
thousand of them wouldn't make a quart of 'ile, and 
by all accounts their fur is worth next to nothinV 

"Do you account their philosophy for nothing ? 
and their jurisprudence ? you, who were so near 
losing your head, and who did actually lose your 
tail, by the axe of the executioner ?" 

Noah placed a hand behind him, fumbling 
about the seat of reason, with evident uneasiness. 
Satisfied that no harm had been done, he very 
coolly placed half a muffin in what he called his 
" provision-hatchway." 

" You will give me this pretty model of our good 
old Walrus, Captain?" 

" Take it, o' Heaven's sake, Sir John, and good 
luck to you with it You, who give me a full-grown 
schooner, will be but poorly paid with a toy." 

" It's as like the dear old craft, as one pea is like 

" I dare say it may be. I never knew a model 
that had n't suthin' of the original in it." 

r" Well, my good shipmate, we must part. You 
know I am to go and see the lady who is soon to 
be my wife, and the diligence will be ready to take 
you to Havre, before I return." 

"God bless you! Sir John, God bless you!" 
Noah blew his nose till it rung like a French horn. 
I thought his little coals of eyes were glittering, 
too, more than common, most probably with 
moisture. "You're a droll navigator, and make no 
more of the ice than a colt makes of a rail. But 
though the man at the wheel is not always awake, 
the heart seldom sleeps." 

"When the Debby and Dolly is fairly in the 


water, you will do me the pleasure of letting me 
know it." 

" Count on me, Sir John. Before we part, I have, 
however, a small favor to ask." 

" Name it." 

Here Noah drew out of his pocket a sort of basso 
relievo carved in pine. It represented Neptune 
armed with a harpoon instead of a trident; the Cap 
tain always contending that the god of the seas 
should never carry the latter, but that, in its place, 
he should be armed either with the weapon he had 
given him, or with a boat-hook. On the right of 
Neptune was an English gentleman holding out a 
bag of guineas. On the other was a fefiale who, 
I was told, represented the goddess of Liberty, 
while it was secretly a rather flattering likeness of 
Miss Poke. The face of Neptune was supposed 
to have some similitude to that of her husband. 
The Captain, with the modesty which is invariably 
the companion of merit in the arts, asked per 
mission to have a copy of this design placed on the 
schooner's stern. It would have been churlish to 
refuse such a compliment ; and I now offered Noah 
my hand, as the time for parting had arrived. The 
sealer grasped me rather tightly, and seemed dis 
posed to say more than adieu. 

" You are going to see an angel, Sir John." 

" How ! Do you know anything of Miss Ether- 
ington 1" 

" I should be as blind as an old bum-boat else. 
During our late .v'y'ge, I saw her often." 

" This is strange ! But there is evidently some 
thing on your mind, my friend : speak freely." 

" Well, then, Sir John, talk of anything but of our 
v'y'ge, to the dear crittur. I do not think she is 
quite prepared yet to hear of all the wonders we 


I promised to be prudent; and the Captain, 
shaking me cordially by the hand, finally wished 
me farewell. There were some rude touches of 
feeling in his manner, which reacted on certain 
chords in my own system ; and he had been gone 
several minutes before 1 recollected that it was time 
to go to the Hotel de Castile. Too impatient to 
wait for the carriage, I flew along the streets on 
foot, believing that my own fiery speed would out 
strip the zig-zag movement of & fiacre or a cabriolet 
de place. 

Dr. Etherington met me at the door of his ap- 
partement, and led me to an inner room without 
speaking. Here he stood gazing, for some time, 
in my face, with parental concern. 

" She expects you, Jack, and believes that you 
rang the bell." 

" So much the better, dear sir. Let us not lose 
a moment ; let me fly and throw myself at her feet, 
and implore her pardon." 

" For what, my good boy ?" 

" For believing that any social-stake can equal 
that which a man feels in the nearest, dearest, ties 
of earth !" 

The excellent rector smiled, but he wished to 
curb my impatience. 

" You have already every stake in society, Sir 
John Goldencalf," he answered, assuming the air 
which human beings have, by a general convention, 
settled shall be dignified, "that any reasonable man 
can desire. The large fortune left by your late 
father, raises you, in this respect, to the height 
of the richest in the land ; and now that you are a 
baronet, no one will dispute your claim to partici 
pate in the councils of the nation. It would perhaps 
be better, did your creation date a century or two 
nearer the commencement of the monarchy ; but, 


in this age of innovations, we must take things as 
they are, and not as we might wish to have them." 

I rubbed my forehead, for the Doctor had inci 
dentally thrown out an embarrassing idea. 

" On your principle, my dear sir, society would 
be obliged to begin with its great-grandfathers to 
qualify itself for its own government." 

" Pardon me, Jack, if I have said anything disa 
greeableno doubt all will come right in Heaven. 
Anna will be uneasy at our delay." 

This suggestion drove all recollection of the 
good rector's social-stake system, which was ex 
actly the converse of the social-stake system of 
my late ancestor, quite out of my head. Springing 
forward, I gave him reason to see that he would 
have no farther trouble in changing the subject. 
When we had 'passed an ante-chamber, he pointed 
to a door, and admonishing me to be prudent, 

My hand trembled as it touched the door-knob, 
but the lock yielded. Anna was standing in the 
middle of the room, (she had heard my footstep,) 
an image of womanly loveliness, womanly faith, 
and womanly feeling. By a desperate effort she 
was, however, mistress of her emotions. Though 
her pure soul seemed willing to fly to meet me, she 
obviously restrained the impulse, in order to spare 
my nerves. 

*' Dear Jack !" and both her soft, white, pretty 
little hands met me, as I eagerly approached. 

" Anna ! dearest Anna !" I covered the rosy 
fingers with kisses. 

" Let us be tranquil, Jack, and, if possible, en 
deavor to be reasonable, too." 

" If I thought this could really cost one habit 
ually discreet as you an effort, Anna !" 

VOL. II. 20 


" One habitually discreet as I, is as likely to feel 
strongly on meeting an old friend, as another." 

" I think it would make me perfectly happy, could 
I see thee weep." 

As if waiting only for this hint, Anna burst into 
a flood of tears. I was frightened, for her sobs 
became hysterical and convulsed. Those precious 
sentiments which had been so long imprisoned in 
her gentle bosom, obtained the mastery, and I 
was well paid for my selfishness, by experiencing 
an alarm little less violent than her own outpouring 
of feeling. 

Touching the incidents, emotions, and language 
of the next half-hour, it is not my intention to be 
very communicative. Anna was ingenuous, unre 
served, and, if I might judge by the rosy blushes 
that suflused her sweet face, and the manner in 
which she extricated herself from my protecting 
arms, I believe I must add she deemed herself 
indiscreet in that she had been so unreserved and 

"We can now converse more calmly, Jack," the 
dear creature resumed, after she had erased the 
signs of emotion from her cheeks " more calmly, 
if not more sensibly." 

" The wisdom of Solomon is not half so precious 
as the words I have just heard and as for the 
music of the spheres " 

" It is a melody that angels only enjoy." 

" And art not thou an angel !" 

"No, Jack, only a poor, confiding girl; one 
instinct with the affeptions and weaknesses of her 
sex, and one whom it must be your part to sustain 
and direct. If we begin by calling each other by 
these superhuman epithets, we may awake from 
the delusion sooner than if we commence with be 
lieving ourselves to be no other than what we 


really are. I love you for your kind, excellent 
and generous heart, Jack ; and as for these poetical 
beings, they are rather proverbial, I believe, for 
having no hearts at all." 

As Anna mildly checked my exaggeration of 
language after ten years of marriage I am unwill 
ing to admit there was any exaggeration of idea 
she placed her little velvet hand in mine again, 
smiling away all the severity of the reproof. 

" Of one thing, I think you may rest perfectly 
assured, dear girl," I resumed after a moment's re 
flection. " All my old opinions concerning expan 
sion and contraction are radically changed. I have 
carried out the principle of the social-stake system 
in the extreme, and cannot say that I have been at 
all satisfied with its success. At this moment I am 
the proprietor of vested interests which are scat 
tered over half the world. So far from finding that 
I love my kind any more for all these social stakes, 
I am compelled to see that the wish to protect one, 
is constantly driving me into acts of injustice against 
all the others. There is something wrong, depend 
on it, Anna, in the old dogmas of the political econo 
mists !" 

" I know little of these things, Sir John, but to 
one ignorant as myself, it would appear that the 
most certain security for the righteous exercise of 
power is to be found in just principles." 

" If available, beyond a question. They who 
contend that the debased and ignorant are unfit to 
express they* opinions concerning the public weal, 
are obliged to own that they can only be restrained 
by force. Now, as knowledge is power, their first 
precaution is to keep them ignorant; and then they 
quote this very ignorance, with all its debasing con 
sequences, as an argument against their participa 
tion in authority with themselves. I believe there 


can be no safe medium between a frank admission 
of the whole principle " 

"You should remember, dear Goldencalf, that 
this is a subject on which I know but little. It ought 
to be sufficient for us that we find things as they 
are; if change is actually necessary, we should 
endeavor to effect it with prudence and a proper 
regard to justice." 

Anna, while kindly leading me back from my 
speculations, looked both anxious and pained. 

"True true" I hurriedly rejoined, for aivorld 
would not tempt me to prolong her suffering for a 
moment. " I am foolish and forgetful, to be talking 
thus, at such a moment; but I have endured too 
much to be altogether unmindful of ancient theo 
ries. I thought it might be grateful to you, at 
least, to know, Anna, that I have ceased to look 
for happiness in my affections for all, and am only 
so much the better disposed to turn in search of it 
to one." 

" To love our neighbor as ourself, is the latest 
and highest of the divine commands," the dear 
girl answered, looking a thousand times more 
lovely than ever, for my conclusion was very far 
from being displeasing to her. "I do not know 
that this object is to be attained by centering in 
our persons as many of the goods of life as possi 
ble; but I do think, Jack, that the heart which loves 
one truly, will be so much the better disposed to 
entertain kind feelings towards all others." 

I kissed the hand she had given me, and we now 
began to talk a little more like people of the world, 
concerning our movements. The interview lasted 
an hour longer, when the good Doctor interposed 
and sent me home, to prepare for our return to 

In a week we were again in the old island. Anna 


and her father proceeded to the rectory, while I 
was left in town, busied with lawyers, and looking 
after the results of my numerous investments. 

Contrary to what many people will be apt to 
suppose, most of them had been successful. On the 
whole, I was richer for the adventures; and with 
such prospects accompanying the risks, I had little 
difficulty in disposing of them to advantage. The 
proceeds, together with a large balance of divi 
dends that had accrued during my absence, was 
lodged with my banker, and I advertised for fur 
ther landed property. 

Knowing the taste of Anna, I purchased one of 
those town residences which look out on St. James's 
Park, where the sight of fragrant shrubbery and 
verdant fields will be constantly before her se 
rene eyes, during the period of what is called a 
London winter, or from the Easter holidays to 

I had a long and friendly interview with my 
Lord Pledge, who was not a man to abandon a 
ministry, but who continued in place just as active, 
as respectable, as logical and as useful as ever. 
Indeed, so conspicuous was he for the third of 
these qualities, that I caught myself peeping, once 
or twice, to see if he were actually destitute of a 
cauda. He gave me the comfortable assurance 
that all had gone on well in parliament during my 
absence, politely intimating, at the same time, that 
he did not believe I had been missed. We settled 
certain preliminaries together, which will be ex 
plained in the next chapter; when I hurried, on the 
wings of love, alias, in a post-chaise and four, to 
wards the rectory, and to the sweetest, kindest, gen 
tlest, truest girl in an island which has so many 
of the sweet, the kind, the gentle and the true. 



Bliss- The best investment in society The result of much 
experience, and The End. 

THAT day two months found me at the rectory 
of Tenthpig, the happiest man in England. The 
season had advanced to the middle of July, and the 
shrubbery near the bow-window of my excellent 
father-in-law's library, was in full verdure. The 
plant, in particular, whose flowers had so well 
emulated the bloom of Anna's cheek, was rioting in 
the luxuriance of renewed fertility, its odors stealing 
gently over the senses of my young wife and my- 
sel as we sat alone, enjoying the holy calm of a 
fine summer morning, and that delicious happiness 
which is apt to render the bliss of the first months 
of a well-assorted union almost palpable. 

Anna was seated so near the window that the 
tints of the rose-bush suffused her spotless robe, 
rendering her whole figure a perfect picture of that 
attractive creature the poets have so often sung a 
blushing bride. The quiet light had to traverse a 
wilderness of sweets before it fell on her bland fea 
tures, every polished lineament of which was elo 
quent of felicity, and yet, if it be not a contradic 
tion, I would also add, not entirely without the sha 
dows of thought. She was never more lovely, and 
I had never known her so subdued and tender, as 
within the last half-hour. We had been speaking, 
without reserve, of the past, and Anna had just 
faithfully described the extreme suffering with which 
she had complied with the command of the good 
rector, in writing the letter that had so completely 
unmanned me. 

" I ought to have known you better, love, than to 


suspect you of the act," I rejoined to one of her 
earnest protestations of regret, and gazing fondly 
into those eyes which have so much of the serenity, 
as they have the hues, of heaven. ".You never yet 
were so unkind to one who was offensive ; much 
less could you willingly have plotted this cruelty 
to one you regard !" 

Anna could no longer control herself, but her 
cheeks were wetted with the usual signs of feeling 
in her sex. Then smiling in the midst of this little 
outbreaking of womanly sensibility, her countenance 
became playful and radiant. 

" That letter ought not to be altogether pro 
scribed, neither, Jack. Had it not been written, 
you would never have visited Leaphigh, nor Leap- 
low, nor have seen any of those wonderful spec 
tacles which are here recorded." 

The dear creature laid her hand on a roll of 
manuscript which she had just returned to me, after 
its perusal. At the same time, her face flushed, as 
vivid and transient feelings are reflected from the 
features of the innocent and ingenuous, and she 
made a faint effort to laugh. 

I passed a hand over my brow, for whenever this 
subject is alluded to between us, I invariably feel 
that there is a species of mistiness, in and about the 
region of thought. I was not displeased, however, 
for I knew that a heart which loved so truly would 
not willingly cause me pain, nor would one habit 
ually so gentle and considerate, utter a syllable that 
she might have reason to think would seriously 

" Hadst thou been with me, love, that journey 
would always be remembered as one of the plea- 
santest events of my life; for, while it had its perils 
and its disagreeables, it had also its moments of 
extreme satisfaction." 


" You will never be an adept in political saltation, 
John !" 

" Perhaps not but here is a document that will 
render it less necessary than formerly." 

I threw her a packet which had been received 
that morning from town, by a special messenger, 
but of whose contents I had not yet spoken. Anna 
was too young a wife to open it without an appro 
ving look from my fond eye. On glancing over its 
contents, she perceived that I was raised to the 
House of Peers by the title of Viscount House 
holder. The purchase of three more boroughs, and 
the influence of my old friend Lord Pledge, had 
done it all. 

The sweet girl looked pleased, for I believe it is 
in female nature to like to be a Viscountess ; but, 
throwing herself into my arms, she protested that 
her joy was at my elevation and not at her own. 

" I owed you this effort, Anna, as some acknow 
ledgment for your faith and disinterestedness in the 
affair of Lord M'Dee." 

" And yet, Jack, he had neither high cheek-bones, 
nor red hair ; and his accent was such as might 
please a girl less capricious than myself!" 

This was said playfully and coquettishly, but in a 
way to make me feel how near folly would have been 
to depriving me of a treasure, had the heart I so 
much prized been less ingenuous and pure. I drew 
the dear creature to my bosom, as if afraid my rival 
might yet rob me of her possession. Anna looked 
up, smiling through her tears; and, making an effort 
to be calm, she said, in a voice so smothered as to 
prove how delicate she felt the subject to be : 

"We will speak seldom of this journey, dear 
John, and try to think of the long and dark journey 
which is yet before us. We will speak of it, how 


ever, for there should be nothing totally concealed 
between us." 

I kissed her serene and humid eyes, and repeated 
what she had just said, syllable for syllable. Anna 
has not been unmindful of her words ; for rarely, 
indeed, has she touched on the past, and then 
oftener in allusion to her own sorrows, than in 
reference to my impressions. 

But, while the subject of my voyage to the mani 
kin region is, in a measure, forbidden between me and 
my wife, there exists no such restraint as between 
me and other people. The reader may like to know, 
therefore, what effect this extraordinary adventure 
has left on my mind, after an interval of ten years. 

There have been moments when the whole has 
appeared a dream; but, on looking back, and 
comparing it with other scenes in which I have 
been an actor, I cannot perceive that this is not 
quite as indelibly stamped on my memory as those. 
The facts themselves, moreover, are so very like 
what I see daily in the course of occurrence around 
me, that I have come to the conclusion, I did go 
to Leaphigh in the way related, and that I must 
have been brought back during the temporary 
insanity of a fever. I believe, therefore, that there 
are such countries as Leaphigh and Leaplow; and, 
after much thought, I am of opinion that great jus 
tice has here been done to the monikin character in 

The result of much meditation on what I wit 
nessed, has been to produce sundry material changes 
in my former opinions, and to unsettle even many 
of the notions in which I may be said to have been 
born and bred. In order to consume as little of the 
reader's time as possible, I shall set down sum 
mary of my conclusions, and then take my leave 


of him, with many thanks for his politeness in read 
ing what I have written. Before completing my 
task in this way, however, it will be well to add a 
word on the subject of one or two of my fellow- 

I never could make up my mind relating to the 
fact whether we did or did not actually eat Briga 
dier Downright. The flesh *was so savory, and it 
tasted so delicious after a week of philosophical 
meditation on nuts, and the recollection of its plea 
sures is so very vivid, that I am inclined to think 
nothing but a good material dinner could have left 
behind it impressions so lively. I have had many 
melancholy thoughts on this subject, especially in 
November ; but observing that men are constantly 
devouring each other, in one shape or another, I 
endeavor to make the best of it, and to persuade 
myself that a slight difference in species may ex 
onerate me from the imputation of cannibalism. 

I often get letters from Captain Poke. He is not 
very explicit on the subject of our voyage, it is 
true ; but, on the whole, I have decided that the 
little ship he constructed was built on the model of, 
and named after, our own Walrus, instead of our 
own Walrus being built on the model of, and named 
after, the little ship constructed by Captain Poke. 
I keep the latter, therefore, to show my friends as 
a proof of what I tell them, knowing the importance 
of visible testimony with ordinary minds. 

As for Bob and the mates, I never heard any 
more of them. The former most probably continued 
a " kickee" until years and experience enabled him 
to turn the tables on humanity, when, as is usually 
the case with Christians, Jie would be very likely to 
take up the business of a " kicker" with so much 
the greater zeal, on account of his early sufferings. 


To conclude, my own adventures and observa 
tions lead to the following inferences, viz. 

That every man loves liberty for his own sake, 
and very few for the sake of other people. 

That moral saltation is very necessary to politi 
cal success at Leaplow, and quite probably in many 
other places. 

That civilization is very arbitrary, meaning one 
thing in France, another thing at Leaphigh, and 
still a third in Dorsetshire. 

That there is no sensible difference between mo 
tives in the polar region and motives anywhere else. 

That truth is a comparative and local property, 
being much influenced by circumstances ; particu 
larly by climate and by different public opinions. 

That there is no portion of human wisdom so 
select and faultless that it does not contain the 
seeds of its own refutation. 

That of all the 'ocracies, (aristocracy and democ 
racy included) hypocrisy is the most flourishing. 

That he who is in the clutches of the law may 
think himself lucky if he escape with the loss of his 

That liberty is a convertible term, which means 
exclusive privileges in one country, no privileges in 
another, and inclusive privileges in all. 

That religion is a paradox, in which selfdenial 
and humility are proposed as tenets, in direct con 
tradiction to every man's senses. 

That phrenology and caudology are sister sciences, 
one being quite as demonstrable as the other, and 
more too. 

That philosophy, sound principles, and virtue, are 
really delightful; but, after all, that they are no more 
than so many slaves of the belly ; a man usually 
preferring to eat his best friend to starving. 


That a little wheel and a great wheel are as 
necessary to the motion of a commonwealth, as to 
the motion of a stage-coach, and that what this 
gains in periphery that makes up in activity, on the 
rotatory principle. 

That it is one thing to have a king, another to 
have a throne, and another to have neither. 

That the reasoning which is drawn from particu 
lar abuses, is no reasoning for general uses. 

That, in England, if we did not use blinkers, our 
cattle would break our necks; whereas, in Germany 
we travel at a good pace, allowing the horse the 
use of his eyes; and in Naples we fly, without even 
a bit! 

That the converse of what has just been said of 
horses is true of men, in the three countries named. 

That occultations of truth are just as certain as 
the aurora borealis, and quite as easily accounted 

That men who will not shrink from the danger 
and toil of penetrating the polar basin, will shrink 
from the trouble of doing their own thinking, and 
put themselves, like Captain Poke, under the con 
voy of a God-like. 

That all our wisdom is insufficient to protect us 
from frauds, one outwitting us by gyrations and 
flapjacks, and another by adding new joints to the 

That men are not very scrupulous touching the 
humility due to God, but are so tenacious of their 
own privileges in this particular, they will confide in 
plausible rogues rather than in plain-dealing honesty. 

That they who rightly appreciate the foregoing 
facts, are People's Friends, and become the salt of 
the earth yea, even the Most Patriotic Patriots ! 

That it is fortunate " all will come right in Hea- 


ven," for it is certain too much goes wrong on 

That the social-stake system has one distinctive 
merit ; that of causing the owners of vested rights 
to set their own interests in motion, while those of 
their fellow-citizens must follow, as a matter of 
course, though perhaps a little clouded by the dust 
raised by their leaders. 

That he who has an Anna, has the best invest 
ment in humanity ; and that if he has any repetition 
of his treasure, it is better still. 

That money commonly purifies the spirit as wine 
quenches thirst ; and therefore it is wise to commit 
all our concerns to the keeping of those who have 
most of it. 

That others seldom regard us in the same light 
we regard ourselves ; witness the manner in which 
Dr. Reasono converted me from a benefactor into 
the travelling tutor of Prince Bob. 

That honors are sweet even to the most humble, 
as is shown by the satisfaction of Noah in being 
made a Lord High Admiral. 

That there is no such stimulant of humanity, as 
a good moneyed stake in its advancement. 

That though the mind may be set on a very im 
proper and base object, it will not fail to seek a good 
motive for its justification, few men being so hard 
ened in any grovelling passion, that they will not 
endeavor to deceive themselves, as well as their 

That academies promote good fellowship in know 
ledge, and good fellowship in knowledge promotes 
F. U. D. G. E.s, and H. p. A. 

That a political rolling-pin, though a very good 
thing to level rights and privileges, is a very bad 
thing to level houses, temples, and other matters 
that might be named. 

VOL. II. 21 


That the system of governing by proxy is more 
extended than is commonly supposed; in one coun 
try a king resorting to its use, and in another the 

That there is no method by which a man can be 
made to covet a tail, so sure as by supplying all 
his neighbors, and excluding him by an especial 

That the perfection of consistency in a nation, is 
to dock itself at home, while its foreign agents 
furiously cultivate caudce abroad. 

That names are far more useful than things, 
being more generally understood, less liable to 
objections, of greater circulation, besides occupy 
ing much less room. 

That ambassadors turn the back of the throne 
outward, aristocrats draw a crimson curtain before 
it, and a king sits on it. 

That nature has created inequalities in men and 
things, and, as human institutions are intended to 
prevent the strong from oppressing the weak, ergo, 
the laws should encourage natural inequalities as a 
legitimate consequence. 

That, moreover, the laws of nature having made 
one man wise and another man foolish this strong, 
and that weak, human laws should reverse it all, 
by making another man wise and one man foolish 
that strong and this weak. On this conclusion I 
obtained a peerage. 

That God-likes are commonly Riddles, and Rid 
dles, with many people, are, as a matter of course, 

That the expediency of establishing the base of 
society on a principle of the most sordid character, 
one that is denounced by the revelations of God,' 
and proved to be insufficient by the experience of 

THE MOtflKINS* 243 

man, may at least be questioned without properly 
subjecting the dissenter to the imputation of being 
a sheep-stealer. 

That we seldom learn moderation under any po 
litical excitement, until forty thousand square miles 
of territory are blown from beneath our feet. 

That it is not an infallible sign of great mental 
refinement to bespatter our fellow-creatures, while 
every nerve is writhing in honor of our pigs, our 
cats, our stocks and our stones. 

That select political wisdom, like select schools, 
propagates much questionable knowledge. 

That the whole people is not infallible, neither is 
a part of the people infallible. 

That love for the species is a godlike and pure 
sentiment ; but the philanthropy which is dependent 
on buying land by the square mile, and selling it by 
the square foot, is stench in the nostrils of the just. 

That one thoroughly imbued with republican 
simplicity invariably squeezes himself into a little 
wheel, in order to show how small he can become 
at need. 

That habit is invincible, an Esquimaux preferring 
whale's blubber to beef-steak, a native of the Gold 
Coast cherishing his tom-tom before a band of 
music, and certain travelled countrymen of our 
own saying " Commend me to the English skies." 

That arranging a fact by reason is embarrassing, 
and admits of cavilling; while adapting a reason to 
a fact is a very natural, easy, every-day, and some 
times necessary, process. 

That what men affirm for their own particular 
interests they will swear to in the end, although it 
should be a proposition as much beyond the neces 
sity of an oath, as that " black is white." 

That national allegories exist everywhere, the 


only difference between them arising from erada 
tions in the richness of imaginations. 

And finally: 

That men have more of the habits, propensi 
ties, dispositions, cravings, antics, gratitude, flap- 
jacks, and honesty of monikins, than is generally 





BookSHp-50m-9,'70(N9877s8)458 A-31/5,6 


Cooper, J.F. 
The monikins<